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Riotathlon
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JUSTIN:
Police have warned that gangs involved in last month's London rioting may attempt to disrupt the 2012 Olympic Games. This has come as somewhat of a shock, as everyone expects the most likely disruption to the 2012 Olympic Games to be... the 2012 Olympics Games.
JONATHAN PEARCE:
So, all quiet here as you join us for the fifth event in the Riotathlon! They're under starters' orders and.... (PAUSE)
F/X:GUN-SHOT
PEARCE:
... the fatal shooting of an unarmed man means they're off! Immediately windows are smashed and Tesco Value Basmati Rice is being hauled away. Now's a good time to introduce our expert summariser: Theresa May. Welcome, Theresa.
MAY:
Thanks Jonathan. Well, this is criminality, plain and simple, albeit now in a legal and supervised frame of morality!
PEARCE:
But you organised this event to begin the Olympics in order to scupper plans of rioting disrupting the event?
MAY:
Peeing on their bonfire!
PEARCE:
Exactly!
MAY:
No! I mean there! They're peeing on their bonfire!
PEARCE:
Oh yes, indeed! The action has acceded to urination on fires set by their athletic competitors! Not only rioting at exemplary level, but suppressing the unlawful actions of their competitors! This is *supreme* Olympic rioting!
MAY:
Yes, Jonathan, it looks like all that practice has really helped them out here!
PEARCE:
Oh, yes, indeed! Credit to them for not simply sitting in and watching those pilfered 50-inch plasmas, which would have been so easy for them to do!
MAY:
That's the difference between the amateur and professional rioters: they're out there night after night, destroying their own communities!
PEARCE:
That's what it's all about and what puts them right at the very top of their game! This talent is simply frightening!
MAY:
Literally!
PEARCE:
Well, Theresa, I must say, your idea has not only saved us from a lawless situation but also provided us with a dead-cert gold medal!
MAY:
Thank you, Jonathan. I must say it's nice not to be thought of as utterly useless.
PEARCE:
Hang on a minute, let's not be putting words in my mouth...
END
