NJ: Teaching Piracy

Epic Fail.

Dan

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Teaching Piracy
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JUSTIN:
A teacher in North London this week tendered his resignation in order to become Deputy Prime Minister in Somalia. Challenges with looting, gun-running and hostage situations... finally became too much for him to deal with, so he left seeking an easier challenge.

ATMOS:THE SEA. ALL PIRATES SPEAK WITH (PROBABLY RACIST) SOMALI ACCENT..

PARROT:
SQUAWK! Cap'n!

CAPTAIN:
Aye, Polly?

PIRATE:
SQUAWK! Ship ahoy!

F/X:CLAPS HANDS AND RUBS

CAPTAIN:
Fantastic! We might be able to get those doubloons that seemed so valuable. In the past. Where is it?

F/X:ENORMOUS THUD

PARROT:
SQUAWK! Closer than you think.

F/X:FOOTSTEPS UP LADDER. LANDING ON DECK.

CAPTAIN:
Who *dares* to board my ship withou--?

TEACHER:
Shut up! And -- *you* -- stop chewing!

CAPTAIN:
How dare you talk to m--?!

TEACHER:
I thought I told you to shut your mouth.

CAPTAIN:
But--

TEACHER:
Right, that's it! Finger on lip!

CAPTAIN:
Wha--?

TEACHER:
Fingers on lips! All of you! Shhhhhhhhh. Sit down and cross your pegs! Now, I've had bad reports about you boys. I'm *very* disappointed that I've had to come all the way out here to deal with this! What have you got to say for yourselves?

CAPTAIN:
Mmmmwwww.

TEACHER:
Don't talk with your finger on your lip! Put your hand up!

F/XIERCING OF PARROT. SQUAWKING. FLUTTERING. THUD.

TEACHER (CONT'D):
Careful, stupid boy! The one without the hook! You'll have someone's eye out, meladdio! (PAUSE) Better. Yes? You with the hook.

CAPTAIN:
We're pirates?

TEACHER:
Yes, you're very *naughty* pirates at that! Looting, hostage-taking, satellite cyber-crime! Do your parents know you're doing this?

F/X:GENERAL MUMBLING

TEACHER (CONT'D):
Answer me!

CAPTAIN:
Ahem, erm... that is to say... (SMALL)... no.

TEACHER:
Speak up!

CAPTAIN:
No. No, they are not aware of our... erm... shenanigans.

TEACHER:
Of course not! And you know what? They'd be *very* disappointed in you all!

CAPTAIN:
Yes.

TEACHER:
Yes, what?

CAPTAIN:
Yes, sir.

TEACHER:
Now, what do you say to these hundreds of hostages?

CAPTAIN:
(MUMBLES) ... sorry...

TEACHER:
Say it like you mean it, boy!

CAPTAIN:
(CHILDISH) I'm sorreeeeeee, alright?

TEACHER:
That's better. Now, walk the plank.

END

A bit like marrying Ann Bolyen - nice idea, but the execution was unfortunate.

I liked it Dan. I thought is was a great idea and whilst it might have appeared a bit flat on paper I could certainly hear it being performed in my head. I loved the 'cross your pegs' line.

Cheers both.

It doesn't quite have that pizzazz, does it?

Dan

Would be great acted out with costumes and the straightlaced teacher. I wonder if it was a bit long for Newsjack...so I keep hearing on here, shorter the better.
Wasn't there a 'Talk like a Pirate' day last week as well? That should have got in but I sometimes read the rejects on here and think they are funnier than the actual show.

I think it's more they covered the exact same story, in pretty much the exact same way, with a one liner (Quiet down, It's your own time your wasting etc)

Great story and really good clear characterisation and dialogue.

Seriously in a page and a half I knew very clearly where and when I was.

And the cross your pegs line was great.

Fault; it's confused a pirate boarding pirates? Lost me a bit, if the teacher became a pirate I dunno doing pirate stuff who was also a teacher would have been clearer, 2 using the word racist must lessen your chances, 3 soggy punch, punches really need to be a surprise twist maybe if they all got shot by Ofsted snipers or sunk by a PFI school ship?

Thanks all

Yeah, you're right sooty -- more effort to end the sketch required.

The 'probably racist' Somali accent is a knowing nod to Marcus Brigstocke's Now Show pirate impression, rather than an instruction. Not everyone would be in the know though.

Dan