Lacking an idea for Sitcom Mission I've started writing this today.
Adrift (working title) follows the adventures of Stan, Darren and Jonesy on their 3 month rotation monitoring the systems of a ship travelling to the nearest solar system (revision required but I believe it's Epsilon Eridani).
Stans frustrations with his team and his endless battle of wits with the sophisticated ships computer cause numerous mishaps which often bring the ships weary captain to be violently awoken from stasis to resolve the latest catastrophe.
int.security room
STAN is sitting at his desk the flashing red light of THE COMPUTER pulses gently.
STAN
Computer?
THE COMPUTER
Yes Stan?
STAN
Calculate trajectory change if meteor collides with port thruster array.
THE COMPUTER
(patiently)
As stated in the seventeen previous simulations all trajectory changes caused by unforseen circumstances are automatically corrected by the navigational computers.
STAN
Very well. Calculate trajectory change if meteor collides with port thruster array causing a short circuit in the navigational computers.
THE COMPUTER
Error. Unfeasible scenario.
STAN
I'll decide what is and isn't faesible, run simulation.
THE COMPUTER
Simulation complete. Ship adrift in deep space following unlikely series of catastrophic circumstances.
STAN
Suggest contingencies.
THE COMPUTER
Awake *competent* crew members from stasis to repair navigation systems and restore ships course.
STAN
Re run scenario with failures in cryo-stasis system.
THE COMPUTER
Simulation complete. Ship adrift in deep space. Crew deceased. Mission failure. self destruct sequence initiated.
STAN
What?! Wait! Not all the crew are deceased, three must be other options.
THE COMPUTER
Negative. Insufficient crew to man ship. Remaining crew incapable of restoring systems.
STAN
Incapable? I flew on the first bloody Mars mission.
THE COMPUTER
Irrelevant, distance to objective - 4.88 light years - navigational margin for error 0.0000000000000081%. Likelyhood of survival from stated scenario 0%
STAN
Rescue chances?
THE COMPUTER
Distance from Earth too great. Rescue chances 0%
STAN
Rescue from an alien vessel
THE COMPUTER
Calculating
The Computers light flashes busily for a while
STAN
Well?
THE COMPUTER
Calculation complete. Chances of rescue by an alien following convoluted disaster scenario resulting in loss of systems likely to result in ship being hopelessly adrift in space and crewless but otherwise intact are less than 0%.
STAN
Are you sure?
THE COMPUTER
Margin for error in calculation less than one thousandth of a percent.
STAN
Hmmm. Run an internal diagnostic then re-run scenario with attack by hostile alien force.
THE COMPUTER
Yes Stan. Running internal diagnostic now.
The computers light begins flashing randomly. Stan looks around thoughtfully.
STAN
Computer! Pause diagnostic.
THE COMPUTER
Pausing diagnostic.
STAN
Locate crewman Granger.
THE COMPUTER
Crewman Granger is located on C deck level 9 Corridor B. Information. Pausing of diagnostic was not required due to mundanity of requested task.
STAN
Very well. Resume diagnostic and instruct Crewman Granger to report to this station immediately. Oh and calculate his arrival time.
THE COMPUTER
Shall I calculate his arrival time with or without contrived hindrances?
STAN
Just tell me when he'll get here.
THE COMPUTER
Crewman Granger re-tasked. ETA 23 seconds assuming no disastrous changes in environmental systems.