Distopia - First few pages

Ressurecting an idea I had a while back and trying to take it somewhere.
Set in a future dystopian Britain following a major revolution We follow Peter, a writer at the Ministry of Fun who is a somewhat directionless layabout trapped in a job he hates. Peter will find himself entangled in a new revolutionary movement when he meets the fiery and mysterious Anna.

Here's what I've got so far.

INT.OFFICE - DAY

PETER enters wearing sunglasses and looking hungover, he makes his way to his work station and is intercepted by CAROL

CAROL

Nice and early today, Peter.

Peter

Er, sorry, I....

CAROL

I knew you'd remember that it's not opposite day.

PETER

Oh, that. Look I'm not up to mental gymnastics today. Can I declare myself out?

CAROL

Of course you can! Why don't you go and put your feet up all day while I don't call HR about your sparkling punctuality.

PETER

You know what? I'm feeling a little better.

CAROL

That's not the spirit!

Carol goes back to her desk. Peter makes his way to his workstation and sits opposite IAN.

IAN

Afternoon, Peter.

PETER

Ian.

IAN

I hate opposite day. It's the one day of the year I least look forward to. I shudder at the thought of having to use my inferior intellect to invert dialogue. Tell me, Peter, do you despise it as much as I do?

PETER

Yes, I mean No. Look, my brain's going numb, have you got any painkillers?

IAN

Yes

PETER

(warily)

Can I have some?

IAN

Of course, hold out your hand.

Ian goes into his draw while Peter holds out his hand. Quickly Ian brings out a stapler and fires two staples into Peters open palm.

PETER

Argh! What the F**k?

Carol comes across hurriedly.

Carol

Is everything okay?

PETER

No, it bloody well isn't!

CAROL

Well, if you're sure.

Carol walks back to her desk cheerfully. Peter sits back down and glares at Ian who is typing away with a wry smile on his face. DEBBIE approaches pushing a trolley laden with paperwork and dumps some large files on Peters desk.

DEBBIE

(icily)

Thanks for a wonderful evening, Peter. My mother was so wrong about you.

Debbie walks away. Peter rushes after her

PETER

Debbie! look I can explain

Debbie

I'm sure you can

PETER

Stop it! This is just barbed bloody sarcasm now.

DEBBIE

Goodbye Peter, I shall miss your enormous Penis and tremendous stamina.

Debbie exits. Peter walks forlorn back to his desk. Ian is smirking at his monitor.

PETER

Not a word.

Ians smile widens as he presses a button on his desk. Give praise to the glorious republic begins blaring out of the speaker on his desk and Ian stands up his right hand on his chest.

IAN

(singing)

Oh Glorious Republic....

Peter slams his head on his desk

cut to

INT.Social hub - night

MIKE is sitting with FRESH MEAT at a table. Peter enters the hub and Mike waves at him, he points to a bottle on the table and Peter walks over. He flops down into his seat and drinks from the bottle.

MIKE

Rough day?

PETER

No. I mean yes. I'll explain later. Who's this?

MIKE

This is Fresh Meat, my new trainee. He's on probation. Fresh Meat, this is my brother, Peter.

FRESH MEAT

Greetings Citizen.

PETER

Alright mate. How was the lobotomy?

Fresh Meat stares blankly at peter.

PETER

That good, eh? I can't stay for long, Mike. I had a nightmare trying to keep up with the shenanigans at work today. And I'm in the doghouse with Debbie.

Mike gives an 'under the thumb' gesture with his hand. He looks at Fresh Meat who doesn't react until Mike prods him. Fresh Meat laughs unconvincingly.

MIKE

You need a woman that's easy to control, like mine.

PETER

I didn't think he was your type.

Fresh Meat laughs. Mike looks at him menacingly and his blank expression returns.

PETER

I just need to get out of that office. It's like a breeding ground for serial killers.

MIKE

You won't find me chained to a desk. Feet on the streets, keeping the citizens safe, that's us.

Mike and Fresh Meat touch their bottles together.

PETER

I'm not sure licensed facism is the best career choice right now.

MIKE

I could have a word, get you on a ride along.

PETER

Will I have my own punishment stick and everything?

MIKE

I'm sure we can arrange something. Fresh Meat!

FRESH MEAT

Sir?

MIKE

Drinks!

Fresh Meat goes to the bar. Mike leans closer to Peter

Will try to read later, but producers won't be impressed if you don't spell dystopia and dystopian with a 'y'

A funny version of 1984? Nice! I think you've got a really interesting idea here. I liked the opening scenes so I'd say you're going in the right direction.

Btw -- who started the revolution?

Sean mate, good to see you back. Will have a read and comment but up to the eye's in homework at present.

Quote: KLRiley @ September 18 2011, 2:13 PM BST

Sean mate, good to see you back. Will have a read and comment but up to the eye's in homework at present.

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When will the government do something about the plight of these poor, one-eyed teachers?

I thought it was really good. An enjoyable read. Although the reverse day thing could get old quickly. So maybe use it sparingly.

I think it's a good concept, but I think it's a mistake to start with the inherently confusing 'opposites day'. You need to be getting busy establishing the 'world'. Nice writing though -you know what you're doing.

Thanks for the feedback (and the spelling correction) am thinking of starting off the episode in Petes mum and dads house (both heroes of the original revolution) where he still lives then his journey to work which should offer some insight into the world as you say.
Opposite day is pretty much covered in that one scene and was never intended as a full series or even episode premise, it's kind of one of the many "thinking exercises" the ministry of fun come up with which drive Peter up the wall.
Anyway I'll get back to it. I'm also working on something more stagable for Sitcom Mission but I haven't really written much since April due to work commitments.

I think a similar thing has already been done. There was a series of radio sitcoms called Nineteen Ninety-Four and Nineteen Ninety-Eight.

Ian beat me to it. 1994. If you haven't caught it 1994 is being repeated on 4+ at present. However, you've got a different take on it. Would prefer a bit of context and the alternative idea for the start seems better.

I co-wrote Nineteen Ninety-Four with William Osborne and even though I work in BBC Radio Comedy (though now as a freelance producer/script editor), I somehow managed to miss the entire repeat series on 4Xtra! I'd heard it was coming out at some time, but didn't realise it was so soon. I was 26 when we started writing it!

Quote: Richard Turner @ September 30 2011, 12:01 PM BST

I co-wrote Nineteen Ninety-Four with William Osborne and even though I work in BBC Radio Comedy (though now as a freelance producer/script editor), I somehow managed to miss the entire repeat series on 4Xtra! I'd heard it was coming out at some time, but didn't realise it was so soon. I was 26 when we started writing it!

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Nice. I haven't heard your play before though so apologies for any obvious similarities.

Quote: Richard Turner @ September 30 2011, 12:01 PM BST

I co-wrote Nineteen Ninety-Four with William Osborne and even though I work in BBC Radio Comedy (though now as a freelance producer/script editor), I somehow managed to miss the entire repeat series on 4Xtra! I'd heard it was coming out at some time, but didn't realise it was so soon. I was 26 when we started writing it!

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*reads Richard Turner's profile*
*is impressed*

Devised the Beadle's About UFO prank (voted Best TV Stunt Of All Time on C4)

Ohmygod. Is this true??? How marvelous.

Quote: Richard Turner @ September 30 2011, 12:01 PM BST

I co-wrote Nineteen Ninety-Four with William Osborne and even though I work in BBC Radio Comedy (though now as a freelance producer/script editor), I somehow managed to miss the entire repeat series on 4Xtra! I'd heard it was coming out at some time, but didn't realise it was so soon. I was 26 when we started writing it!

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If I knew you wrote it I'd have listened to it.

Quote: Ian Wolf @ October 1 2011, 11:30 AM BST

If I knew you wrote it I'd have listened to it.

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I did. It's a good cast, some of whom were on the up at the time and have now achieved National Treasurehood, and the show itself holds its own. It would be interesting if the follow up series was broadcast. Any news on that Richard?