Skit Comp 17 - 24.9.11

Another productive wank so congratulations to OTTERFOX for a wholesome victory. Get rat-flapped and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

3 - 10 - Otterfox
2 - 5 - Kasm
1 - 1 - Shirl the Whirl, ComedyOfLife

Your new subject: WOMEN (chosen by ComedyOfLife)

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the bastard who never paid me (you know who you are).
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 24.9.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

203!!! - Mr Sunshine
197 - Kasm
179 - Otterfox
148 - Michael Monkhouse
143 - Cool Mikado, Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
109 - AngieBaby
108 - Frankie Rage
105 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
97 - Gerry McDonnell
83 - Ishy
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - 404 Not Found, James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
30 - Stephen Goodlad
28 - Leevil
27 - Shirl the Whirl, Bushbaby
26 - David Chapman
25 - Teddy Paddalack, Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Shandonbelle, Blobster
21 - Nil Putters, Mikey J
20 - James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Reg N, Eggie
15 - Bill Jaguar, Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Stephen Birch
13 - Badge
12 - RedZed333, Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - ComedyOfLife, Tuumble, Steven
10 - Sean Night, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Jack Daniels, Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Flavian, Sean, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Lady Laughter, Scar Bum, veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

Rejigged an oldie...

Iden-titty

POLICE STATATION.
POLICEMAN stands impassively at desk in front of posh, flustered LAURENCE and posher, flusterder CYNTHIA.

POLICEMAN Yeah?

CYNTHIA It's my husband, the silly little arse: he's had his wallet stolen.

LAURENCE Thank you Cynthia, one is quite capable of handling this oneself. (to policeman) It's me, the silly little arse: I've had my wallet stolen.

POLICEMAN No problem, I'll write a report...

CYNTHIA Laurence, show the good man your wallet.

LAURENCE That's precisely what the blackguard stole, you cretinous creature...

POLICEMAN (sighs) Name, Sir?

LAURENCE (proud) I'm a Murdoch.

POLICEMAN I'm afraid your word won't suffice, I need identification.

CYNTHIA Laurence, extract your ID card from your wallet...

LAURENCE For the House of Elliot's sake you bally bitch...

POLICEMAN Please... I need proof you're who you say you are.

CYNTHIA Laurence, extract your passport from your wallet...

LAURENCE For the love of Camilla you strange specimen, you're getting on my dangly bits...

POLICEMAN I - need - proof! Do you have any form of identification whatsoever?

CYNTHIA Laurence, extract any form of identification whatsoever from your wallet...

LAURENCE For crying out poshly you weird woman, Lord how I despise you feminine fellows - if it weren't for your boobies and celeb hubbies you'd be about as much to me use as a condom in the Vatican, you're worse than foreigners! All they do is saunter into England - England I tell you, not some Banana Republic right of Hitler - they steal our jobs and our culture and our haircuts - I want to have a little corner shop myself, isn't that what made this country great? All they're good for is drumming up a little racial hatred to distract the punters from the politicians and no wonder they're so full of poo, I've got my tongue wedged so far up their jacksies they don't even notice I'm hacking their poncey mobiles...

POLICEMAN (writing) Mr - Murdoch...

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

A MEETING IS IN PROGRESS. ALL OF THE PARTICIPANTS ARE MALE.

JOHN:
The latest iPhone app figures are in; we've now sold over 12 million copies of 'Angry Birds'. We can't rest on our laurels though, what else have we got lined up?

STEVE:
We've got lots of ideas. 'Cranky Cats', 'Furious Fish', 'Raging Bulls'.

JOHN:
No, we need a new angle. Something fresh.

TONY:
Well I'm just thinking out loud here, but Sheila's Wheels, Robbie Williams, the Toyota Yaris: all successful products, all aimed just at women. Let's make an app just for the ladies.

JOHN:
I don't know if I'm comfortable going after the 'gash cash'. A female-only app could lead to calls of sexism?

TONY:
If we market it tastefully, we can avoid criticism from the feminist hoovers.

JOHN:
Hoovers?

TONY:
Carpet-suckers.

JOHN:
OK, let's roll with this. Anyone have any ideas? Let's brainstorm.

MARTIN:
An inane facebook status generator. We could couple it with a sex excuse generator.

JOHN:
If it says 'headache' we could sell them a tablet.

CHRIS:
How about when women are feeling insecure, instead of asking their partners if a pair of jeans makes them look fat, they ask an app. The app asks them to input their height and weight, and replies either 'no' or 'obviously, fatty'.

STEVE:
'The bint hint', an app that explains how to open jars and park cars.

TONY:
I've got it: the iDecorators. Before going off their head about a cushion being misaligned, she opens the app and it works out where she is on her menstrual cycle and deduces whether the rant is justified or not. It's a potential relationship saver.

JOHN:
That's not a bad idea. Does anyone know enough about periods to start developing this?

THE GROUP REMAIN SILENT

JOHN:
It's not going to work is it? Let's just forget the whole thing. Any more normal ideas?

TONY:
How about a game where the player launches bricks at aardvarks? We can call it 'Apoplectic Ants'.

JOHN:
Great work everyone.

CLOSE UP OF AN ANGRY BLOKE HAVING A RANT

MAN
You know what really twists my melon? Bints droning on about helping disadvantaged frickin' kids while saving the bloody planet with their left hands. Why don't they try bloody saving the world from tampons and cotton buds that they're always chucking everywhere? And have you heard the bloody shit they spout, like: "Ooh, I hate anything fake" except of course they forget about their fake nails and tits and collagen and botox and lashes and spray-on tans and fake frickin' orgasms - diunno why they bloody bother fakin them, though, as I couldn't give a flying wank if they come or not - just so's I finish chucking my muck up them... (looks reflective for a moment) So in answer to your question, I guess my favourite pastime is telling it like it is!

CAMERA PULLS BACK TO SEE THAT THE BLOKE IS STANDING ON A LARGE STAGE WEARING A MANKINI AND A SILK SASH. HE TURNS ON HIS HEEL AND STALKS OFF TOWARDS THE SIDE OF THE STAGE WHILE A SHOCKED MC IN A VELVET TUX TAKES A MOMENT TO COMPOSE HIMSELF.

MC
Well, ehem, Ladies and Gentlemen. So that completes this evening's line-up for Miss Universe. Let's hear it for all our lovely contestants.

SFX
There is a small ripple of applause that's lost in the auditorium

THE CAMERA FOCUSES IN ON THE GROUP OF FEMALE CONTESTANTS IN THEIR SWIMSUITS AND SASHES WHO ARE ALL LOOKING ANNOYED WHILST MANKINI MAN STANDS AMONGST THEM WEARING HIS SASH THAT SAYS, 'MISOGYNIST'

'NEW WOMAN' COSMETIC SURGERY CLINIC

A WOMAN (Mrs Walker - mid 50's) SITS BEFORE THE COSMETIC SURGEON, MR FOLEY

MR FLOEY
I'm pleased to see the skin graph has taken very well, and the implants even more so, resulting in a pair of rather perfect high cheekbones.

MRS WALKER
Yes, the skin feels so smooth, toot, barf, trump, pong, blow off, trouser cough, let rip, whopper, musky turnip .....Oh I'm terribly sorry, I don't know what came over me.

MR FOLEY
It's perfectly understandable Mrs Walker, you are after all, talking out of your arse.

JACKIE -
Chelsea, I've got something to tell you.

CHELSEA -
Shut up, I'm watching Big Brother.

JACKIE -
Well that's it, you see. I'm not really your big sister.

CHELSEA -
Who are you then?

JACKIE -
I'm really your mum.

CHELSEA -
But....you're only thirteen years older than me.

JACKIE -
Yeah, that's sort of why we always said you was my little sister.

CHELSEA -
So Mum is really my Nan?

JACKIE -
No, she's your Auntie Brenda.

CHELSEA -
I've never even heard of Auntie Brenda.

JACKIE -
Well, she's Uncle Brian now, she had the operation when you were little.

CHELSEA -
Oh. Well I don't know what to call you now.

JACKIE -
Well I'm your Mum. We've got lots of bonding to do.

CHELSEA GETS UP AND STARTS TO WALK AWAY.

JACKIE -
Oh, don't walk away from me, sweetheart. I know you must be upset.

CHELSEA -
I'm not upset. I'm looking for my application form for Big Brother. I might get on it now!

A beauty pageant is like this skit comp. As long as the prettiest women are winning. it will never change.

or

It's my bitch and I'll smack her up how I please.

My vote goes to Gerry this week.

(I take it your post was aimed in my general direction, Alex.)

If so, then why don't we try doing the comp for a few more weeks as it is and then restart everyone from zero - and have it run for four months, or six months at a time with each winner at the end of that period going into a 'hall of fame' of past winners.

I realise that it must be crap for someone starting off and looking at Steve on 203 points and then not even bothering to try.

Just a suggestion.

My vote goes to Shandonbelle.

Kasm - I agree with the changes. I know it's only fun, but it would be nice to give others a chance of winning and introduce fresh blood into the comp.

p.s.sorry abou the rant. I'd drunk a bottle of wine and didn't mean it the way it sounded. I like this site and would like to see it flourish.

BTW: Steve is funny, as are the leaders of the comp, I've voted for them a few times.

Kasm for me this week.

Agree the comp needs some sort of fresh approach. Newsjack back on doesn't help the numbers either.

No problem, Alex.

Shandonbelle - why not have a comp that runs alongside Skit Comp (when Newsjack is on) so that people can vote for best rejected lines/sketches sent in that week to Newsjack? The 10 points, 5 points and 1 points can then be added to the main Skit Comp.

Aren't we all just trying to encourage people to be funny?

Good idea, let's see what Michael the main man thinks.

I'm going to vote for Shirl the Whirl.

As for the suggested changes, I'm all for a restart, even if it's just annually.

Quote: Kasm @ September 25 2011, 12:54 PM BST

Why not have a comp that runs alongside Skit Comp (when Newsjack is on) so that people can vote for best rejected lines/sketches sent in that week to Newsjack? The 10 points, 5 points and 1 points can then be added to the main Skit Comp.

View original

That's a brilliant idea Kasm, it could potentially bring new players to the comp. Even if it wasn't connected to the skit comp, I'd still like to see a Newsjack reject competition, as it would encourage more honest feedback. Basically, I really like the idea

Gerry McDonnell - loved the bit about the misaligned cushion!

Voting Kasm!
Thanks for the comments re changing the format. Let's have a vote for the most popular idea, this being a democracy and all that.
Incidentally, as I mentioned last time this came up, I'm happy with the skit comp as it is, cos 1. This is a fun project rather than a race for CV points, 2. The 10-5-1 voting system lets newbies chug merrily up the charts, and 3. I know this goes against the spirit of the age, but I kinda like the idea of winners being pinned permanently... Anyway that's just my feeling, we can vote!