My full set:
JackApps One-liners
(1)A biscuit which Sir Ernest Shackleton took to the Antarctic 104 years ago has been sold at auction after some fierce bidding. The eventual winner was one tough cookie.
(2)Liberal Democrats have come out and said that they want to stop people looking at page three. Is that the page of their manifesto where they say they won't be lying back-stabbing scumbags?
(3)I've just been to see that dreadful film Sarah Jessica Parker has made - I don't know why she did it.
(4)Apparently Britons apologise for someone else's mistakes 8 times a day. I'm sorry but that can't be right.
(5)One Direction have gone straight in at number one - enjoying early success before the reality of their name kicks in...
(6)Michael Winner has got married at 75! Has he got some sort of Deathwish?
Things we've learned this week
(7)The Government's approval rating with female voters has slumped so far that the Tories are now less popular than men's feet, leaving the toilet seat up and Jeremy Clarkson. But on the plus side, for the first time in history there is a real chance that the next Prime Minister might be a lovely fluffy kitten. Ahhh.
Corrections
(8)Newsjack would like to clarify that the Radio One interview with X Factor boy band One Direction which had to be rescheduled was moved because of concerns over the safety of fans, and not because it was well past their bed time.
Also had hopes that if my sketches weren't used these might be scalped as one liners:
Sketch about XFactor wardrobe malfuntion:
Justin: Quite. And I understand you danced for Gary Barlow - but the front of your gown fell down?
Natasha: <<giggle>> Yeah. One minute I was dancing round the stage, and the next a flabby tit popped out... and told me to pull my dress back up.
Intro to trailer for "Tinker Tailor Soldier Idiot"
A good thriller is like Nick Clegg: it draws you into thinking you know how it will go, only later to turn out completely different from what you were lead to believe - but by that stage, not matter how much you want to, it is impossible to put it down.