Stuff I love so far...
Quote: Big Jack @ September 15 2011, 11:09 PM BST
(3)The sentences given out for looting were too harsh. I broke into the filofax department at WH Smith's and got 5 years.
(12)When swimming the Thames the back stroke is quite useful, but you might also just use the traditional fingers down the throat.
Win! (3) made me laugh out loud.
Quote: Kevin Mears @ September 16 2011, 8:45 AM BST
* I can't see The Amy Winehouse Foundation being that successful. Her music was great but will people really want to buy her cosmetics?
I really liked this one, I can see this being a Jimmy Carr-type joke, but interesting to note sootyj's point that it may be in poor taste for Newsjack. If you look at the programme info on the 4 Extra site, it says they'll be taking a tasteful look at the week's news..." Don't remember them saying that before? Not that the show had that many moments of borderline tastelessness before, but perhaps the switch to Radio 4 Extra has made them a little more cautious?
Quote: comedyoflife @ September 16 2011, 9:49 AM BST
87 year old Doris Day has become the oldest woman to have an Album in the UK Top 10, beating the current record holder, Madonna, by just two months.
Nick Clegg has revisited a Tottenham businessman said to be devastated after learning that the £9,000 looted from his shop had been squandered on a Media Studies Degree.
Another laugh out loud moment when I read the Doris Day/Madonna line.
Quote: Park Bench @ September 16 2011, 6:41 PM BST
(8) The Labour MP for Middlesbrough, Sir Stuart Bell, has been dubbed the 'invisible man' for ignoring months of telephone calls. He hasn't held a surgery since 1997. Last night he angrily denied he was out of touch and said he had the full support of Tony Blair and John Prescott.
I liked this one, I think 'cos it feels like the kind of line I'd write myself.
Quote: Nigel Kelly @ September 17 2011, 11:51 PM BST
MAN:
So Colonel Gadaffi is still unlawfully at large... this will devastate Syd Little.
Brilliant!
Here are my rejects. The Walliams -> Effluent -> Name of Walliams TV Show was clearly a popular template...
INTRO:In a move to combat rural crime, Dorset Police have unveiled an official police tractor. Well, they had to do something, scythe crime is at an all time high, and during the recent civil unrest they had to enlist the help of Riot Farmers, equipped with carrot batons and watering cans. Prison overcrowding is also a major problem with farm related crimes, as one cell always has to lie fallow.
INTRO:Tory peer Lord Hanningfield, who was jailed for fiddling parliamentary expenses, has been released from prison after serving just nine weeks of his sentence, although we understand that he did claim for the full nine months.
INTRO:A Plymouth University professor is about to spend 48 hours sealed in an airtight box with plants as his only source of oxygen, to see if plants really could keep a person alive. As a control experiment, I'm going round to the Big Brother House with a truck full of weed killer before I seal up the doors and windows with gaffa tape.
APP:I hope Boris Johnson makes good on his plan to introduce electric taxis to London. If they run off of AC power where the electric current flows in two alternate directions, does this mean that taxis will now finally go south of the river as well as north?
APP:Well done to David Walliams for swimming the entire length of the River
Thames while suffering from nausea, vomiting and diarrhoea. Still, it must have given him a bit of insight into how the viewers of Come Fly With Me felt.
APP:Hello, this is John Galliano. I don't care if the court has just found me guilty of racist abuse, I am not a racist! Some of my best friends are David Starkey.
APPimon Cowell has been having three in a bed sex romps?! And I thought it was only good things that came in threes...
APPimon Cowell says he's been having three in a bed sex romps?! I don't believe anyone would do that with him, he must be getting confused because he owns two bedside mirrors.
APP:I approve of the decision to allow adult internet sites to use the new .XXX domain, and it proves that they're not all hardcore, it's quite sweet that they're signed with three kisses.
APP:An important part of a policeman's job is that sometimes they have to deal with members of the public who are incoherent and babbling senselessly. I suppose that's why they got Boris Johnson to interview the candidates for the Metropolitan Police Commissioner's job.
APP:Hello, this is George Osborne, I'm doing my maths homework and I could use a bit of help, here's the problem: If an escort is £300 per hour, and cocaine is £200 per bag, then how many times do I have to repeat my denials?
APP:I'm surprised that there's a call to allow catholic priests to marry, I always thought the ones they were really into weren't old enough to get married.
CORRECTION:Following Boris Johnson's pledge to make all London Taxis run off of electricity, Newsjack would like to apologise for suggesting that while the power for the taxi would be provided by EDF, the opinions of the taxi driver would be provided by the EDL. The electricity will actually be provided by E.ON.
CORRECTION:Following our report about the disruption caused to the north of England by Hurricane Katia, Newsjack would like to clarify that rail services were not affected at all, and as such are still subject to severe delays.