Quote: Steve Sunshine @ February 23 2012, 7:36 PM GMTIt's all very well Scientists trying to fertilize Seeds that are 30,000 years old, but I'm not sure Catherine Zeta Jones even wants any more children.
That's a great gag.
NewsJack Series 5 one liner rejects - unification Page 16
Hello all. Just one NJ one-liner to start me off, before I build up to as many as say, two, next week...
Harry Redknapp has conceded that, despite his acquittal on tax evasion charges, he took his eye off his finances. He plans to take a long, hard look at himself.
Strikes me it was self-assessment got him into this mess, but there you go...
It's a solid gag, but it takes too long to get there and possibly isn't in the style of the show...
I was gutted this joke didn't make it:
Last series Newsjack stated that Andrew Lansley was planning reforms to the NHS, we'd like to apologise for suggesting that Andrew Lansley actually has a plan.
A few corrections:
In our in depth report on the potential successor to Lu Jinto as Paramount Leader of the Chinese Communist Party, we erroneously reported that the leading candidates were the eleven vice presidents; what we intended to say was that the leading candidate is Vice President Xi. Spelt X I.
In our item on synthetic meat grown in a Dutch laboratory we erroneously reported that scientists spending two hundred thousand pounds to produce a single hamburger were hoping to undercut the Gourmet Burger Kitchen.
In our report on artificial intelligence, the computer that had a higher IQ than ninety-six per cent of the Newsjack audience was not, as our reporter implied, the Amstrad PCW 8256.
Quote: Timbo @ February 23 2012, 9:56 PM GMTA few corrections:
In our item on synthetic meat grown in a Dutch laboratory we erroneously reported that scientists spending two hundred thousand pounds to produce a single hamburger were hoping to undercut the Gourmet Burger Kitchen.
I wan't that one
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ February 23 2012, 7:39 PM GMTThat's a great gag.
Indeed.
OK, the following is my opinion, it's not right, it's my philosophy on how to write jokes:
For the most part (excluding Sunshine and Gerry) they are not really proper gags. Firstly they are far too wordy, the beauty of a well crafted joke is that it should be succinct, a thing of beauty, no word wasted. So edit, edit, edit. Make them as minimalist as possible. Secondly there is no twist, a joke should walk you down a path before turning round and punching you in the face. What you've done, Garry for example, is express a funny idea, but not really a joke in the trues sense. The greatest satire is to generate an idea through subtext so the audience comes to your conclusion themselves (Mort Sahl was a genius at this). Try to make the punchline something they wouldn't see from the set-up but can't believe they didn't think of at the punchline. Humour comes partly from the rejection of an absurd idea and partly from the respect and appreciation of a clever turn-of-phrase.
Gerry and Sunshine, you wrote sound jokes but I think you may have fallen foul of one rule Newsjack put on their webpage:
NB. The JackApps work best when they sound like a phone-in, rather than an ice-cream-stick joke. What would someone phone in to say, how do they sound when they say it on the real phone-ins/rant-lines?
I think if you were to re-phrase them to be more natural in their speak it would do wonders for them.
At least that's how I see it, no offence intended 
Quote: Kevin Mears @ February 23 2012, 6:29 PM GMTONE LINERS
Amanda Knox has signed a £2.5 million book deal eh? What an opportunity, Knox.
I liked this one - made me sigh and laugh
Looks like mine aren't even worthy of critique!
That hurts 
Maybe could do without "what an"?
Gee thanks Mr!
Quote: Kevin Mears @ February 23 2012, 10:11 PM GMTLooks like mine aren't even worthy of critique!
That hurts
Sorry I've been sinking a few beers to dull the pain tonight - so my cognitive qualities aren't at their peak (hence why I missed you (in case that was aimed at me)). Again sound jokes but maybe fell foul of that Newsjack suggestion I quoted.
I feel really bad casting my opinion on everyone... in case anyone is offended my logic is, we didn't get so rather than say what we like, say where we can improve - this will hopefully improve the quality that we submit and give us a better chance of hitting the big time.
Quote: blahblah @ February 23 2012, 10:12 PM GMTMaybe could do without "what an"?
Completely right, the "what an" stutters the punchline, without it is a great freakin' joke
DeathbyMonkey
Appreciate your feedback - that's why there's a critique section on here. Every writer needs to be thick skinned like a rhino and won't progress without having it.
I agree with the "what an" removal, but I'm guessing the script editor would have removed that himself if the team had liked the joke that much.
Quote: Kevin Mears @ February 23 2012, 10:28 PM GMTI agree with the "what an" removal, but I'm guessing the script editor would have removed that himself if the team had liked the joke that much.
Not for the one liners, I don't think so anyway
Maybe a sketch.