NewsJack Series 5 one liner rejects - unification Page 11

Quote: KLRiley @ October 14 2011, 9:14 AM BST

My offerings. If you can work out which one got on let me know as I've listened to it again and still can't work out which one was used.

Following their statement that they would share their Euromillions win with their friends, Dave and Angela Dawes were astounded to find that they knew so many people, especially the Prime Minister of Greece.

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I'd say it was this one, reworked as an App - can't remember the exact wording they used, but it was definitely the same joke, albeit told quite differently!

JUSTIN

This week a Mosque was set fire to in the west Bank as part of a price tagging protest. Where angry settlers express their displeasure by causing financial cost to those they despise, bit like when my girlfriend get my paypal password.

In the studio to discuss this with me is Zippy Livni the Israeli foreign minister.

ZIPPY

Hello Justin.

JUSTIN

And Zippy can I just say how much I loved you in Rainbow, but what ever happened to that zip you had on your mouth?

FX CUP SMASHES

JUSTIN

You smashed your mug!

ZIPPY

Yes Justin it was a price tagging protest. And until you BBC ant Zionists stop confusing me with a 70s children's TV gimp our protests shall continue

JUSTIN

Ok Zippy So whilst you are in England are you planning on watching We Will Rock You?

FX CUP SMASHES CAT YOWLS

JUSTIN

You just threw my mug at the News Jack cat!

ZIPPY

That musical is a terrible tribute to Queen and Freddy Mercury I must protest!

JUSTIN

That had my tea in it. Poor old Clegg's hiding under the table looking sorry for himself, and the cats not looking much better.

ZIPPY

Then do not offend me further!

JUSTIN

Sorry Zippy, so as part of your visit to this country will you be visiting the queen?

ZIPPY

Thank you Justin, if her majesty chooses to invite me I would be honoured.

JUSTIN

No I meant George the gay hippo you used to share a desk with on Rainbow.

FX SOUND OF STUDIO BEING COMPREHENESIVELY TRASHED

JUSTIN

Next our report on the Palestinian application to the UN for statehood.

FX SOUND OF STUDIO BEING EVEN MORE COMPREHENSIVELY TRASHED.

Park Bench -- all yours don't sound like JackApps. They're sort of news reports so their tone is wrong. Have a listen again to how they sound and try and rewrite to fit. (As Badge said)

Quote: Big Jack @ October 13 2011, 8:21 PM BST

(1)I see The X Factor as the best opportunity for me to get my really big break - speaking as someone who sells advertising space.

(2)(out of breath) My preparation for the Olympics is going really well - I've swum a mile, cycled 15 miles and finished with a 5 mile run. Triathlon? No - that'll be what I need to do to get in to work by 9.

(8)Newsjack is happy to correct the error in our earlier feature on remembering all Six Wives. We should have given "Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, left to join The Bill." as the traditional way you memorise the Six Wives of Ian Beale.

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All very funny.

NewsFox? Really?!

The 'And Finally...' is officially a sketch and has to be in by Monday

Quote: sootyj @ October 13 2011, 9:05 PM BST

1 A new version of Dale Carnegie's seminal 'How to make friends and influence' people has been released

Publishers have great hopes for "how to make a 1000 face book friends and influence no one"

8 The Scottish man arrested for murdering a man in a row over a chocolate bar surrendered to the police after finding a bounty on his head."

10 CHAVVY ACCENT

I'm bloody disgusted at that 18 minimum age for sunbeds in California.

You can't make a girl wait till her 3rd pregnancy to use a sunbed

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Like. Careful of the ones (like no. 8) that sound like a newsreader is reading them!

Quote: 3songsnoflash @ October 13 2011, 11:15 PM BST

INTRO:​
Rapper Snoop Dogg has congratulated a Welsh farmer on growing a prize winning swede.  Who knew that Snoop had such an interest in gardening, although it does explain why he's always going on about his hoes..

INTRO:​
Scientists have discovered the area of the brain responsible for optimism, which is great news for stupid optimists, or 'Brain Half Full' types, as they're now called.

APP:​
This new Comedy Carpet in Blackpool is downright dangerous, whose bright idea was it to let us walk from one comedy catchphrase to another?  I've been trapped in the Chuckle Brothers entry for days now, send help!

APP:​
The Conservatives have always been in favour of a good Fox hunt, but I think they're now more likely to push for a total cull on Adam Werrity.

PERVY MAN:
​Following David Cameron's request for more protection of internet users, ISPs are to introduce a bar on web porn.  That sounds the kind of place I'd go to drink in.

APP:
​Research has shown that vitamin supplements may actually shorten your lifespan.  I was a bit suspicious when I found I was taking vitamins D, E, A, and D.

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Liked these, but all were well put-together and very Newsjack. Nice one.

Quote: Frantically @ October 14 2011, 8:53 AM BST

CALLER:It's good they've created that massive comedy carpet in Blackpool. Finally there's somewhere to sweep Jim Davidson under.

CALLER:I agree with Arnold Schwarzenegger that turning the house he was born in into a museum will inspire people to believe they can achieve anything. I mean - who'd have guessed, all those years ago, that one day Arnie would visit a museum.

CALLER:I applaud Bolivia's decision to use seized coca leaves to make fertilizer instead of cocaine. To support them I've started eating only Bolivian tomatoes. (WASTED) I'm on 50 tomatoes a day.

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All good.

Quote: KLRiley @ October 14 2011, 9:14 AM BST

Following their statement that they would share their Euromillions win with their friends, Dave and Angela Dawes were astounded to find that they knew so many people, especially the Prime Minister of Greece.

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This was used (in a sketch?) if I recall correctly. Definitely heard something along these lines, cos I laughed.

Mine that was recorded but not broadcast:

APP:
I see the government are pushing through plans to replace 1300 pages of planning regulation with 52 pages. I'll tell you one thing for free: they're going to have to use a smaller font.

And the hundreds of failures:

APP:
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall has declared he'd happily eat puppy meat. But surely he means only from a doggy bag.

APP:
I don't think gonorrhoea gets the credit it deserves for winning its battle again antibiotics. Frankly it deserves a big clap.

APP:
Wayne Rooney has written a letter to UEFA in a plea for leniency with his red card. And that letter was 'X'.

APP:
So there may be a third round of quantitative easing on the way, eh? Isn't it about time we had some qualitative easing?

APP:
America are only halfway to achieving their goals in Afghanistan? Let me tell you: I've worked it out and that puts them... just off the coast of Spain...

APP:
I can't believe a budgie held up a passenger jet. I mean, where did he even get a tiny shotgun?

APP:
It's ridiculous that 1 in 20 adults think Noel Edmonds invented television. I always thought I was surrounded by idiots and it turns out there are 19 of them!

APP:
It's an absolute disgrace that parents of ADHD sufferers get cheap luxury cars... helicopters... vans... beans! Oooooooo shiny...

APP:
Too right children under 8 shouldn't be blowing up balloons. Frankly, they shouldn't have access to *any* explosives.

CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise to the distributors of the new calendars featuring historic lunatic asylums. Contrary to what we said: it's not just Bedlam.

Dan

Here are my failures for the week:

Headlines:

Justin:The Simpsons is set to continue for at least two more seasons after the cast's contract dispute was settled. Newsjack's future is less certain, after the BBC refused to buy us any more jammie dodgers.

- 'However you look at it, he is me' said author Ruth Rendell this week about her famous fictional creation Inspector Wexford. Tells a cracking yarn, that woman, but biology clearly isn't her strong point.

Jack-apps:

Justinpinions are like iphones - Londoners expect you to have at least one and can be very patronising when they find out that you don't. At Newsjack we use ours to tap into your every thought via the Jackapp:

Oz cricketertrewth, no way do we fix cricket matches. We've always followed the old maxim, if it ain't broke...

Woman:Australians haven't fixed cricket matches, that's a ridiculous accusation. They still last all bloody day.

Posh manoverty is set to increase, which is fantastic news. It means I'll officially be a billion times richer than even more people than I am now.

Corrections:

Justin:Mistakes are like U2 songs - if the same ones are made over and over again people are bound to notice eventually. At Newsjack we aim to quickly rectify any errors, so here are some corrections:

-Nancy Shevell has become ex-Beatle Paul McCartney's third wife, and is not, as we said, to become Beatle Paul's third ex-wife. At worst she'll only be his second ex-wife.
-A glitch changed our headline relating to West Ham's Olympic Stadium deal falling through. We apologise to Michael Crawford's family for any distress caused by our statement that a West End ham had collapsed.

You laughed! Have a biscuit Dan.

With these I think it's personal preference because there is always a lot of good stuff on here that doesn't make the cut. I liked the Bedlam one particularly.

Radiat10n - probably the Macca joke was the pick for me.

Re the jammie dodgers. Are people getting any sense of Justin's style? Or should we wait for a cue from Newsjack Towers as to how they see him? Obviously Miles was posh. I'm still not entirely sure what Justin is.

"Somebody needs to remind Fleet Street that Fox hunting's illegal!"

"If Dr Fox is sacked as Defence Secretary; then at least he'll still have his DJing to fall back on!"

"Professor Dawkins is right to condemn the 'alien rubbish' taught in Islamic faith schools. I mean, the last thing this country needs, is a generation of Muslims believing in Roswell!"

"Professor Dawkins is right to condemn the 'alien rubbish' taught in Islamic faith schools. Ufology doesn't belong in the classroom!"

"Whenever I get worried about the size of my debts, I just think to myself: 'Hey - at least I'm not in Nick Griffin's shoes!'"

"This week's been pretty embarrassing for Chris Huhne...but then again - you could say that about most weeks!"

"Chris Huhne is as adept at attracting scandal, as Andrew Lloyd Webber is at repelling women."

"Unlike Fabio Capello, I saw Wayne Rooney's red card coming from a mile off! And yet he's the one earning £6 million a year!"

"The DNA database doesn't need to be 'slimmed down' - it needs to be put on a crash diet!"

"The U.S. ambassador to the Philippines caused controversy, when he alleged that 40% of male tourists visit the country for sex. However, he later apologised and confessed that his figure was a 'gross underestimation'."

"The Health Protection Agency has revealed that gonorrhoea could soon become incurable...or to put it another way - the new Herpes!"

I like this thought perhaps a little long

Quote: Park Bench @ October 13 2011, 6:00 PM BST

Glamour model Jordan has become the victim of a £14,000 fraud, after a busty impostor stole her identity. A HSBC spokesman confirmed a lapse in security protocol made the scam possible. 'After checking out her credentials, the bank teller didn't think there was a need to ask for further proof of I.D.'

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Like:

Quote: Callum Inches @ October 13 2011, 6:53 PM BST

3. Big Ben is leaning, we learned this week. Soon we'll have a Palace of North-North-Westminster?

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Like (9) but could be snappier. (13) - someone brave enough to say it.

Quote: Big Jack @ October 13 2011, 8:21 PM BST

(9)Politics. We would like to apologise for our reporting of a rowdy day at the Dispatch Box where Chancellor George Osborne rejected claims that he is incompetent, does not understand the economy and has no clue how to rescue it. We can confirm that he then and sat back down on his elbow and did nothing.

(13)This episode was first broadcast in October 2011, when David Cameron stated he supported same sex marriage while in an absolutely, utterly and completely unrelated story news broke of the scandal surrounding Liam Fox and his Best Man.

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Like 4 & 7, massive groan for 8 (good work!)

Quote: sootyj @ October 13 2011, 9:05 PM BST

1

4 So scientific research has revealed we Brits are in fact not getting any ruder.

I could have told the stupid arse holes that.

7 The mass resignation of Israeli Dr over funding issues.

Has lead to a crisis ...for nice young, single, Jewish girls.

8 The Scottish man arrested for murdering a man in a row over a chocolate bar surrendered to the police.

After finding a bounty on his head.

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There's something in the Comedy Carpet one there but perhaps needs re-wording. And I loved the Apple / Windows one-liner. Good work!

Quote: 3songsnoflash @ October 13 2011, 11:15 PM BST

APP:​
This new Comedy Carpet in Blackpool is downright dangerous, whose bright idea was it to let us walk from one comedy catchphrase to another?  I've been trapped in the Chuckle Brothers entry for days now, send help!

My least favourite submission (and the one that I though was the most obvious) is the one that made it in, the Apple Store/Windows line...

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And like:

Quote: swerytd @ October 14 2011, 12:03 PM BST

APP:
Wayne Rooney has written a letter to UEFA in a plea for leniency with his red card. And that letter was 'X'.

APP:
It's ridiculous that 1 in 20 adults think Noel Edmonds invented television. I always thought I was surrounded by idiots and it turns out there are 19 of them!

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Oh both of these are close to genius, there's just something missing in them for that perfect twist.

Quote: radiat10n @ October 14 2011, 12:36 PM BST

Oz cricketertrewth, no way do we fix cricket matches. We've always followed the old maxim, if it ain't broke...

Woman:Australians haven't fixed cricket matches, that's a ridiculous accusation. They still last all bloody day.
Corrections:

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---------------------------------------------------------

And just to make this the longest post ever here are my offerings this week:

NEWSJACK APP

David Cameron wants to stop children accessing porn at home. And is bulldozing all the woodland to stop them finding it outside.

(UPPER CLASS GENTLEMEN) I saw the headline 'Internet providers to offer bar on porn' and thought super! Always wanted to see Lords and Ladies make the beast with two backs.

(ALDRIN DID IT BETTER)
How come when George Osbourne injects more money into the system it's called 'quantitative easing', yet when I try it in Monopoly it's called cheating?

(GIRL - CHILDISH VOICE) I feel sorry for Liam fox, I want my special friend to come everywhere with me too. Don't I Mr. Floppy Face. Although Ken Clarke hates it when I call him that.

A woman ran 26 miles and then gave birth? She's being treated for blisters and the baby for sea-sickness.

(TORY PEER) I think the NHS budget is a lot like Rihanna's clothes. Both could be improved with a 20% reduction.

Vitamins dangerous for older women? Utter nonsense! Every afternoon my gran has an A, C, D, G, W... Actually she might be playing Countdown.

I always think HSBC has a lot in common with my old school teacher's bottom. They're both very good at avoiding tacks.

INTRO

This was a week when we finally got a punchline to the joke 'What do Blackberry, the stock market and Lewis Hamilton have in common?'. The answer being, of course, they're always crashing.

It was a week when Braehead shopping centre lifted their ban on photographs. Good news for families, irrelevant news for vampires.

Although a shopping centre banning pictures in a place with hundreds of CCTV cameras seemed as pointless as sucking your gut in at a hall of mirrors to stop you looking fat.

Like stephen's picks from sooty's batch.

(INTRO) Welcome to Newsjack, the show that will go ahead after our voice actors agreed to take a pay cut from 6 Jammie Dodgers and a mug of Kenco to 3 custard creams and a cup of 'just be grateful you've got a job'.

(PETER SNOW) We're here in Westminster using the swingometer to measure quite how far Big Ben is leaning. Ok, it comes in at (PAUSE) .26 degrees which means it will become unstable in...thousands of years. (SIGHS) What a waste of time.

If they bring in a porn filter will that mean women with small breasts still get through? I hope so.

(ROBOT VOICE) I cannot believe organ donors might get their funeral expenses paid. What about those of us without organs?

If people donate their organs they might get their funeral expenses paid? what an offal situation. >_<

Congratulations to the pregnant marathon runner she managed the whole 26 miles and unlike Paula Radcliffe her waters didn't break.

Why am I meant to be happy some pregnant woman did a marathon in 6 hours 25 minutes, that's just walking speed!

I can't see Rick Stein's marriage lasting; I've always thought there's something fishy about him.

I'm not worried about premature death from vitamins, I take D, E, A and then another D...oh my god, that spells DEAD. I'd better have a cod liver oil.

Last week the new health lottery was launched by the media group behind Channel 5 and the Daily Star. Early teething problems surfaced as entrants struggled to generate 6 random numbers without the use of other people's fingers.

(OLD LADY) Gonorrhoea is becoming resistant to antibiotics? It didn't happen in my day.

(CORRECTION) We'd like to apologise for calling Eamonn Holmes an idiot in last week's show, we of course meant it in the nice way, you know, where no offence can be caused.

Frantically wins it for me this week. The Arnie museum gag is fantastically crafted - very unlucky not to be picked up.

Radiation - sorry but I thought your Macca ex-2nd wife was a bit nasty. You'd maybe get votes on Sickipaedia, but not in NewsJack.

Quote: Big Jack @ October 14 2011, 8:10 PM BST

Radiation - sorry but I thought your Macca ex-2nd wife was a bit nasty. You'd maybe get votes on Sickipaedia, but not in NewsJack.

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Haha, oh well...the actually funny bit is I only came up with this by genuinely misreading an article about the (then) forthcoming wedding last week! As you may have gleaned from my response to another Macca sketch in these parts I've a huge soft spot for, and can be quite defensive of, Linda.

Quote: StephenM @ October 14 2011, 8:03 PM BST

David Cameron wants to stop children accessing porn at home. And is bulldozing all the woodland to stop them finding it outside.

(TORY PEER) I think the NHS budget is a lot like Rihanna's clothes. Both could be improved with a 20% reduction.

Vitamins dangerous for older women? Utter nonsense! Every afternoon my gran has an A, C, D, G, W... Actually she might be playing Countdown.

It was a week when Braehead shopping centre lifted their ban on photographs. Good news for families, irrelevant news for vampires.

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All good

Quote: Corey O'Graffor @ October 14 2011, 8:04 PM BST

(INTRO) Welcome to Newsjack, the show that will go ahead after our voice actors agreed to take a pay cut from 6 Jammie Dodgers and a mug of Kenco to 3 custard creams and a cup of 'just be grateful you've got a job'.

(PETER SNOW) We're here in Westminster using the swingometer to measure quite how far Big Ben is leaning. Ok, it comes in at (PAUSE) .26 degrees which means it will become unstable in...thousands of years. (SIGHS) What a waste of time.

Why am I meant to be happy some pregnant woman did a marathon in 6 hours 25 minutes, that's just walking speed!

(OLD LADY) Gonorrhoea is becoming resistant to antibiotics? It didn't happen in my day.

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Likewise.

Quote: radiat10n @ October 14 2011, 12:36 PM BST

Justin:Mistakes are like U2 songs - if the same ones are made over and over again people are bound to notice eventually.

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Good.

Quote: groovydude89 @ October 14 2011, 2:58 PM BST

"This week's been pretty embarrassing for Chris Huhne...but then again - you could say that about most weeks!"

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Good also.

Dan

My fav's from the unsuccessful bunch this week:-

"We would like to apologies for errors in our subtitles which turned "Ed Miliband" into "Ed Miller Band", and we would also like to reassure listeners that "Yvette Balls" certainly didn't do what our later similar error suggested." (BIG JACK)

It's a good joke, but might need tightening to read well.

"The Scottish man arrested for murdering a man in a row over a chocolate bar surrendered to the police after finding a bounty on his head." (SOOTYJ)

A great joke, but unfortunately it might have been too grim a story for newsjack.

"Scientists have discovered the area of the brain responsible for optimism, which is great news for stupid optimists, or 'Brain Half Full' types, as they're now called." (3SONGSNOFLASH)

It could do with some rewording, but had two very funny concepts in it - 'stupid optimists' and 'Brain Half Full' types. From now on when anyone tells me to look on the bright side I'm going to call them a 'stupid optimist!'

"Research has shown that vitamin supplements may actually shorten your lifespan. I was a bit suspicious when I found I was taking vitamins D, E, A, and D." (3SONGSNOFLASH)

Bit of a shame, but I think having to use vitamin 'D' twice kind of robs the joke. If only there was a vitamin 'I' you could have spelled 'DIE' and it'd have been a classic.

"I see the government are pushing through plans to replace 1300 pages of planning regulation with 52 pages. I'll tell you one thing for free: they're going to have to use a smaller font." (SWERYTD)

Very good. Shame it missed the cut.

"How come when George Osbourne injects more money into the system it's called 'quantitative easing', yet when I try it in Monopoly it's called cheating?" (STEPHENM)

I liked this as a one-liner, you were unlucky they went with a sketch.

"David Cameron wants to stop children accessing porn at home. And is bulldozing all the woodland to stop them finding it outside." (STEPHENM)

This is a great line, but could do with rewording to stand as a person calling into the Jackapp.

"Why am I meant to be happy some pregnant woman did a marathon in 6 hours 25 minutes, that's just walking speed!" (COREY O GRAFFOR)

Really liked that - Unlucky not to get in.

"Research has shown that vitamin supplements may actually shorten your lifespan. I was a bit suspicious when I found I was taking vitamins D, E, A, and D." (3SONGSNOFLASH)

Great minds...

- I'm not worried about premature death from vitamins, I take D, E, A and then another D...oh my god, that spells DEAD. I'd better have a cod liver oil.

(I didn't post it because I thought it was too contrived using D twice, like Frantically said - mind you, didn't stop me sending it!)

Here's my rejects from week 6:

JackApps One-liners

(1)(Sleazy pervy voice) Well hello there. This is Inappropriate Lad, winner of the 3.45 at Catterick, and I too am against new rules restricting the use of the whip. [And more frisky] By the way, you don't want to know how I dialled.

(2)Yeah, poverty is a problem area, but I find it difficult to believe that in this day and age Edwina Currie could not find enough words to eat.

(3)If the law on the ascension to the Throne is being changed so it is no longer sexist, while they are at it could they change it so it is no longer elitist?

(4)It was the World Scrabble Championships this week. The word is didn't score much.

(5)I'm a Member of Parliament. Somebody stop me, please.

(6)[Regal] Good evening, this is your Queen. I don't have any jokes - one's liners have been decommissioned.

(7)The Queen is touring Australia next month. Wow! It's become so easy to beat them at cricket.

(8)I heard the Queen was touring Australia next month. I guess she'll open the batting at "One"?

(9)Some people are calling the proposed tax on cosmetic surgery a "Boob Tax". Surely that's the name for *any* tax introduced by George Osborne?

(10)Premier League footballers have been given a DNA test - in which it was found that none of them could spell DNA.

(11)(Proud mother) My son has started at Oxford University this week. He's studying Electricity Bill Calculation. Oh, and Ethics.

(12)I have no idea who will win the Booker - it will be a Kindle surprise.

(13)I was strip searched at the Scrabble World Championships - they found I was wearing a "G".

(14)I couldn't get into the Scrabble World Championships - there was a "Q", so I didn't know where to go.

Corrections

(15)Newsjack would like to reassure listeners that our feature on primogeniture in the Royal family was nothing to do with Prince Harry's father.

(16)New research shows that Van Goch did not commit suicide but was most likely shot by two teenagers playing in wheat fields. Police have made two arrests in East London.

(17)Newsjack would like to apologise for any suggestion that Dr Liam Fox benefited financially from any activities which were financially beneficial to his close friend.

My final rejects for this series:

A new biography suggests Vincent Van Gogh did not kill himself. The authors also reveal that he mutilated his ear accidentally by sneezing while attempting to master the art of knife throwing.

- About 58 000 people in the UK are expected to have changed their name by deep poll by the end of the year. I'd join them if only I could decide whether to change my surname to 'Pants' or become known simply as 'This Just In'...

Jack-apps:

Justinpinions are like the BBC's subtitling service - often inaccurate and a source of offence to minorities. Here are a selection of your views, as captured by the Jackapp:

- I'm against the Asylum Seekers coming to the UK. I don't want to see some Iranian tribute act performing 'The Carnival Is Over'!

- I'm well impressed with the 100 year old who ran the marathon. I don't even have the energy to run ideas past my wife anymore, me.

- Blimey, UB40 have gone bankrupt, didn't realise the cost of red wine had gone up so much - that's what 5% inflation can do, I suppose!

-If we do leave the EU is the option of moving somewhere between Australia and New Zealand on the cards?
-I heard that Steps are at #1, well I live at #34 and I still don't have a proper footpath outside my house!

Corrections:

Justin:Mistakes are like film adaptations of The Three Musketeers - more than enough have been made already, but the latest is highly unlikely to be the last. At Newsjack we occasionally broadcast errors, so here are some corrections:

- The Sesame Street YouTube hackers got to us too: the cookie-fixated character was not called the Nookie Monster. We also apologise for dropping the 'o' when mentioning The Count.

-We stated that Liam Fox had called off a charity boxing match between himself and Adam Werritty as he wasn't sure whether Werritty would show up. This was wrong, it seems Fox cancelled fearing that the best man would win.