Relocation Sketch
JUSTIN: Freedom of movement is the kind of thing students of modern dance would fight tooth and jazz-hands to preserve. Now the coalition are bringing in orders to forcibly move terror suspects, and we don't mean making them watch Love Actually.
GRAMS: 'HOUSE BUYING SHOW' ON CHANNEL 4 TYPE MUSIC
KIRSTY: Tonight on New Location we're helping Hashish Brownie, who is moving to the north of England against his will. We're in Macclesfield, an 'up and coming' area, in as much as it's 'up' north and we're 'coming' to see it.
INT. HOUSE - DAY
KIRSTY: So, Hashish. Thoughts?
HASHISH: I think that this is a flagrant abuse of my human rights by this racist, xenophobic government. I've been forced to leave my family and friends, they've restricted my access to social networks and all because I wrote a message on Facebook that saying my crew was 'blowing up' the night club.
KIRSTY: Okay... and the house?
HASHISH: Yeah, it's nice. I can see myself living here. Second bedroom's a bit small though.
KIRSTY: Oh. For bomb making?
HASHISH: For my trainers.
KIRSTY: Ah, trainers, skilled in firearms and espionage techniques, for setting up sleeper cells?
HASHISH: No trainers for my feet.
END
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What We've Learned This Week
JUSTIN: Lessons are like painkillers, they often make you drowsy and they don't mix well with alcohol. Here's what we've learned this week.
If you've got a tricky interviewee in a phone hacking inquiry, just give Colonel Gaddafi a call, he's got a crate in the desert and an army of thugs.
Just one Curry, awash with too many artificial colours, makes an unhealthy addition to Strictly Come Dancing.
And for jurors in the Raoul Moat inquiry, attempting the 'impossible' task of forgetting the image of Paul Gascoigne with a chicken is a lot easier if you picture a drunk moose up an apple tree.
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