EXT. DAY - A SCENIC VILLAGE
A REMOVAL VAN IS PARKED OUTSIDE A PICTURESQUE COTTAGE. A GENT IN TWEED (VILLAGER) APPROACHES THE FRONT DOOR OF THE COTTAGE AND KNOCKS.
A YOUNGER MAN (TERRY) OPENS THE DOOR.
VILLAGER
(CLEARS THROAT) Good morning, neighbour. My name is Ralph and on behalf of the village reception committee may I extend to you and your family the warmest of welcomes to our little community.
TERRY
Oh, thank you very much.
VILLAGER
We wanted to let you know that if you need any help settling in then you need only ask, neighbour.
TERRY
Please call me Terry. That's so kind.
VILLAGER
Not at all, Terry, you'll find us a very welcoming lot here - very community spirited.
TERRY
Then let me say that whatever community events you have planned in the future we would love to get involved.
VILLAGER
Now, that is music to my ears, Terry. You know, I have a feeling you are going to fit right in here.
TERRY
Thank you, Ralph.
PAUSE
VILLAGER
Actually, we do have something coming up that could use an extra pair of hands.
TERRY
Say no more, Ralph. Count me in.
VILLAGER
Splendid. We'll be gathering in the village square at midnight tomorrow.
TERRY
Okay. Midnight?
VILLAGER
Do you own a pitchfork?
TERRY
I have a garden rake if that's any use...
VILLAGER
Don't worry, I'm sure we can find you one - Old Hector usually brings a spare.
TERRY
Sorry, are we doing something in the fields? Midnight seems a little late for farm work.
VILLAGER
Hah, you have a sense of humour, Terry. I like that. That should lift the spirits when the killing starts. Now, torches--
TERRY
Excuse me?
VILLAGER
We operate a kitty system for oil--
TERRY
Hang on, killing? What killing? I'm not doing any killing.
VILLAGER
Oh no. (LAUGHS) Good Lord, no. You won't be expected to do any of that. Goodness me, no.
TERRY
Right... good.
VILLAGER
No... It'll be the Beast doing all the killing if the past is anything to go by. Now, about the oil kitty, we all chip in so I hope that sounds fair to you?
PAUSE
TERRY
The Beast?
VILLAGER
(SHOUTS) WHERE?! Oh, you scared the life out me there, Terry. Look, we all know you like a joke but there's a time and a place.
TERRY
You said something about a Beast?
VILLAGER
The must have told you about the Beast?
TERRY LOOKS INCREDULOUS.
VILLAGER
The Beast of Bilton-on-the-Bend?
TERRY SHAKES HIS HEAD
VILLAGER
The Bender!
TERRY
No, absolutely not!
VILLAGER
Must have slipped their mind. Oh, how's your angry baying?
TERRY
This is outrageous!
VILLAGER
Hmm, needs work. We'll get the mob together early doors and run through some of our favourite chants. Stuff like "Find the Beast!" and "Get the Beast!" or "We've made it angry! Run for your lives!" - that usually gets an airing at some point.
TERRY
(SHOUTS) Martha! Stop unpacking!
THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT.
VILLAGER
Terry? Terrence? Incomers... just no sense of community.
END
