The Man They Still Couldn't Hang
"Alright, marra ?"
"Aye - not so bad - yersel' ?"
"Aye, I'm canny enough"
"That's good"
"Mind, I've got some bad news for yer"
"What's that, like ?"
"Wer cannit hang yer the day"
"Oh, for f.......why for not the day, like ?"
"Yer might hirrus"
"I might what ?"
"Yer might hirrus and that. Yer might smackus in the teeth or slapus rund the chops"
"Why'd I want to dee that, like ?"
"Why, yer might be a bit annoyed arrus 'cos I've gorra hang yer"
"I'll not get annoyed at yer, honest !"
"Mind, there's also the fact that yer look a bit mean, like - yer look as though yer could handle yersel', like"
"Why, of course I can handle mesel'. I'm here 'cos I've done bad things and that. I can handle mesel' nee bother but divvent let that worry yer'
"Naw, naw - be fair - I cannit tek nee chances, man - I'm s'posed to be gannin' oot the neet - how would I look if yer hirrus and I hatta gan oot with bruises on me gish ?"
"I've towld yer, man - I'll not hit yer - besides which, you and yer marra have gorrus all tied up - me arms is behind me back with a lang bit rope tied rund me wrists - yee should naah - yee tied the knot"
"I've got sensitive skin me, like"
"I won't hit yer, honest - cross me heart and that"
"Ah, yes - that's all well and good - it's alright saying that but what if yer got git angry and that at having to be hung ? Yer might nurrus"
"I wouldn't nut yer, honest - I really wouldn't"
"And what if yer struggled loose of yer rope ? Owt could happen, man"
"But you tied the bugger"
"Ah, yes - but I'm not ower confident that that knot'll howld - I've only done elementary knot tieing - I'm due for level two knots next week - I'd much prefer to howld on until I'm a bit mair confident with me tieing of the knots and that"
"Lookah - I promise - I'm resigned to me fate - I won't struggle, I won't try and get loose of yer knot and I won't hit yer or nut yer - honest - howay, man - gan aheed and hangus, willya ?"
"Mind, there's another problem, like"
"Oh, for f. . . . ..what now ?"
"Well, we had the health and safety in earlier this week"
"Oh, bollocks - not them wallahs - them bastard's're always poking their noses in where they're not wanted"
"Exactly. And. . . . ..well . . . . . . . .."
"Well, what ?"
"Well.........."
"Yes ?"
"Well, they've done a risk assessment and they've come to the conclusion that all of this hanging business is a bit ......err.......a.bit. .. . . ..erm . .. .. . . .a bit dangerous"
"A bit f. .. .. .. .a bit f. . . . . . . ..a bit. . . . .. . . . .dangerous ?"
"Aye, that's what they said "
"Dangerous to who ?"
"Well, they reckon our end-users might find it a bit dangerous"
"But I'm your end-user"
"Aye"
"And I'm quite happy to be hung - I've done some right bad things, I got caught, they sentenced me to be hung a bit and I'm quite prepared to accept whatever fate is to befall me"
"That's all well and good but the risk assessment that was carried out highlighted other problems as well"
"Yes ? What now, like ?"
"Well, see that handle ower there ?"
"Yes, the wooden handle that yer pull to send me to me doom ? Aye, I can see it - so, what about it ?"
"Well, over the years the varnish has flaked away a bit and there's not ower much varnish left on it. The health and safety wallahs reckon I've got to start wearing gloves whilst I'm about the hanging or I could get a spelk in me thumb and hurt mesel'. We've only got third party, fire and theft - we're not insured for spelks. I could get wood poisoning "
"Yes, yes - right, right - that's seems fair enough - wear some gloves and protect your hands - I can see the point - so, what's the problem with that ?"
"Well, I had me gloves and me sandwiches and me flask in me bait bag this morning, all ready for the hanging, all set and that"
"And ?"
"I left them on the kitchen table"
"Oh, for f. . . . . . . .can you not ring your lass ?"
"She'll be at work and I left me mobile in me bait bag as well - it's got her work number on it - I was never any good at remembering numbers and that. Sorry"
"Have you not got any spares ?"
"No, nowt like that, mate - not since these cuts started to tek howld - they keep spares of nowt now"
"So, what we gonna do ?"
"We'll just have to postpone the hanging and that until another day"
"Ok, ok, ok - if that's the way it's going to be - I give up, me like - come on, take this bastard bacalarva off"
"Aw , howay, man - there's no need to be like that, like - nee need to get angry - I'm sorry, man - I'm trying me best - we'll dee arl of this hanging thing another day, nee bother - come on, mate - I'll help you off with your balaclava and your high viz - come on, mate - howld yer arms up so I can get yer high viz off - careful now, yer divvent want to dee yersel' a mischief"
"What we gunna dee after yeeve released me from this bacalarva and high viz , like ?"
"Well, we could've had a bit dinner but I've left me bait at yem, haven't I ?"
"You could always share my sandwiches - I've got a couple left ower from this morning - I couldn't finish them - I was a bit nervous and that for some reason"
"That's very kind of yer - cheers, man"
"Nee bother, mate"
