I have cut a lot of this to keep it from being to long. This is just an extract from one of my sketches.
Views please. The keep pile or throw.
A busy NHS hospital, early hours of Sat morning. A nurse on duty is responsible for seeing all the patients first.
Patient 74
(Walks in with blood pouring from a head wound) I cut my head clean open.
Nurse
(Looks at the cut) How did you manage that
Patient 74
Tripping
Nurse
Go to room 1 to receive stitches and here is a drug fact sheet for you.
Patient 74
(Frowning)I tripped that’s what made me fall. It wasn’t drugs I dont take drugs.
Nurse
It was quite funny though eh! You said tripping.(laughs) Go on off for your stitches. You have had me in them. (laughs again)
Patient 75
(Hobbles in with some cuts on his face and arms) I fell off a roof.
Nurse
Hmmm! Your the 3rd person to fall off her tonight. That girl must be something else.(starts to cackle) Dya get it. Ruth. Sorry I am tired.
Patient 75
(Forced laugh) Yea. Funny.(winces in pain)
Nurse
I will have to send you to her ex ray.(slaps her thigh and giggles)Down the hall turn left.
Patient 76.
I have a ummm errrrrr banana stuck up my umm bottom.
Nurse
Really. Gosh! How did that happen.
Patient 76
Well I think my wife, who is away for the weekend left it in an upright position on the couch and I er sat on it. I had just had a shower see so I was naked.
Nurse
(Flicking through notes) Right Mr Er Jones. 3 weeks ago you were here because you had apparently swallowed a screwdriver. After many xrays it was found to have lodged itself quite deep up your bottom. That screwdriver miraculously managed to pass through your digestive system without killing you.
Patient 76
I know I am a very lucky man.
Nurse
Yes and according to these notes, with a very intelligent hamster it seems. Which is now at the mensa equivalent for animals. On account of it managing to open its own cage, jump up over 3 ft, turn a handle to open a door,scuttle up a flight of stairs, open another door, heave itself up a bed, all in order to scurry itself up your bottom.
Patient 76
(Embarrased) We got it from a dodgy pet shop. I realy do feel quite faint.
Nurse
(Eyebrows raised) Let me take your temperature.(takes out a thermometer and places it in his mouth)
Nurse
Oh dear!(looks at the thermometer)
Patient 76
Is something wrong with me.
Nurse
Well yes. Something is very wrong with you. According to this Mr Jones you are a very very sick individual.
