This damned routine bombed every time I used it when I was doing standup a few years ago. Is it just too crap or can it live, maybe?
So I had a job as the head of the Nick Clegg fanclub. Easiest job ever I only ever got this one letter. Hope you don't mind if I share it.
Sootyj's monkey wank story
Dear Nick,
I hope you don't mind me being so forward. But I feel I know you. I mean I cur myself the day you married Dave Cameron, you're too good for him.
But Nick as you number one fan, I feel you deserve some advice.
Dear Nick this great country is being brought down; it is being lowered, and defeated an inch at a time. And the worst offenders, well they come from over seas to avoid persecution, so they say and once here they are lavished with an excusive, central London address, three meals a day, free medical care, far more than they could expect back home.
You probably think I'm being a racist, don't you? Well I'm not. I'm a speciest.
I'm talking about chimpanzees. I was at London zoo the other day, and was shocked. It appears if one is to be saved from being eaten or photographed in a dress on a Spanish beach., it entitles one to run around in the noody, fling ones excrement, and wave one's genitals at foreign tourists.
We expect more.... even from the French. Frankly why should even bother evolving if the benefits for being a pan troglodyte are so excellent.
One of the zoo keepers told me these simian malefactors. They don't even have to sign on to receive their extensive benefits or make any attempt to learn the language
I demanded of the fellow, what would happen of I did the same . If I stripped off my clothes, and threw excrement at foreign tourists? And shouted loudly, ooh ooh. He said I'd be arrested, and sectioned under the mental health act.
And I was.
It would appear our none human cousins, have more human rights, than us humans!
Including the right whilst in hospital not to be sodomised by a 7 foot psychopath in the toilets whilst the nurses are having a handover fag.
But I'll get my own back on them. Oh yes I will...mark my words
See I've researched our hairy chums Nick, I learnt all about the graceless beasts as I'm sure you did with the Millerbands. And it turns out they have an Achilles heel, or rather an Achille's cock. The average monkey's dinkle is a mere, puny, tiny. 2 inches long. Mine is almost twice that.
The letter ends there. But there was a newspaper clipping attached. He couldn't let those monkey go, why couldn't he?
Why couldn't he just have shouted at a Tarzan movie or smashed up a 12 inch of I'm a Believer?
Why did he have to do what he did?
Why did he have to shove his nob through the bars at the monkey enclosure and shout
"Hey Mr Monkey how does your wife fancy these bananas!"
Poor guy he was like all those people who voted Cameron.
A prick that got ripped off.