More sootyj sketch hash

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/8252

So the other week I was burgled...whilst I was in the house. I heard him moving around drew out my trusty mobile and dialled.

Hello police I'm being burgled, I'm

Hello police please state the nature of the crime you are the victim of?

I'm being burgled

By pressing 1 if you are being murdered, 2 if you are being raped, 3 if you are being burgled, 4, if you....

BEEP

You've pressed 3 you are being burgled. Is that right press 1 for yes.

You've pressed 1.

Thank God, can you send a car please now.

How many burglars? Press 1 for 1 burglar, 2 for 2...

Why do you want to know that? Oh never mind.

BEEP

You've pressed 1.

Is he a large, burglar, probably with a knife? Press 1, is he a little burglar, desperately looking for money for drugs? Press 2

Well it's dark and he looked smallish oh well.

BEEP

You've pressed 2.

Have you got a blunt object to hand? Press 1 for yes, press 2 for no, Press 3 if you've got a licensed shotgun, press 4 if you have an unlicnsed firarm.
Look this is your job, I'm not a violent.

Look this is silly maybe if I wait a bit I'll get an operator, a human operator.

You have not pressed a button, and are likely whining like a little bitch. Press 1 if you are a homosexual, press 2 if you are a Liberal Democrat, press 3 if you're going to do your patriotic duty.

Well I can't resist some one challenging my patriotism

You've pressed 3. Sneak up on your burglar, and strike him at the base of the skull. When he hits the floor, roll him over and whilst he is stunned, stamp down hard on the centre of his rib csge once.

This should take 5 minutes, here's some mood music.

The Girl from Ipanema starts playing

So I did my patriotic duty. It was messy, it was disgusting I was so ashamed.
This is what it must feel like to be Nick CLegg

Oh God what have I done, I killed him. He only wanted my DVD it's not even region 1, nevermind Blueray. I'm a killer, you made me into a monster.

And then the voice came back.

Don't worry about the mess, you will receive a voucher for the rental of a vax, and a bottle of Stain Devil Burgler remains by second class post. Please deposit your burglar outside the door in the orange human remains sack.

Oh God what have I become..

Placing your burglar in the green food waste bin, may lead to a fine of upto £500. Thanks for calling 999, these calls are sometimes monitored for quality purposes

Wellthat's nice you can always do with a bit of spare stain devil.Maybe I can say the DVD player was a Blue ray on the insuranc form...

I enjoyed that, the darker tone appeals to me. I definitely preferred that to the other stuff, though some people might prefer lighter stuff of course.

Really good. If I was being ultra ultra picky I'd say there's a vaguely familial feel to the subject, but overriding that I think it's solid.

This would get you a really good response if you can do it justice.

The body/wrong bin line is a killer. The whining like a bitch thing is cool.

The DVD/blu ray thing made me laugh out.

All in all a good tight quality bit

Rehearse and rehearse it and it would rip.

edit: "Oh God what have I become?"

Coolio these big bits are there to break up the quicky gags

I'm dreaming of an Obsessive Compulsive Christmas exactly like the ones I used to know

The Greek economy is doing ok it's bread pockets of growth.

Why did President Assad have Zebedee murdered? He had an arab spring

People called me 4 eyes at school. Till I changed my name from Ian Ike India.

I got a copy of the Bible the other day signed by the author, is it worth anything?

Really really funny, that would have an audience stitches, if not they don't even deserve to get through the door.

It was ok, sooty, but the whole bit at the beginning of the phone call protocol might start to lose people's notoriously short attention spans. I thought the climax could be when you've stamped on the burglar's chest they roll over and you realise it was your mum setting up the DVD player for you to watch Gummy Bears when you get up in the morning. Or something like that.

I'm not surethat's too much of a logical expectation and a bit too mean.

I usually cut stuff back on stage, I just like to write extra ammo in advance.

Quote: sootyj @ August 29 2011, 12:11 AM BST

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/8252

So the other week I was burgled...whilst I was in the house. I heard him moving around drew out my trusty mobile and dialled.

Hello police I'm being burgled, I'm

Hello police please state the nature of the crime you are the victim of?

I'm being burgled

By pressing 1 if you are being murdered, 2 if you are being raped, 3 if you are being burgled, 4, if you....

BEEP

You've pressed 3 you are being burgled. Is that right press 1 for yes.

You've pressed 1.

How many burglars? Press 1 for 1 burglar, 2 for 2...

Why do you want to know that?
BEEP

You've pressed 1.

Press 1, is he a little burglar, desperately looking for money for drugs? Press 2 if he's a big burglar press 3 if he's black

You've pressed 2.

Have you got a blunt object to hand? Press 1 for yes, press 2 for no, Press 3 if you've got a licensed shotgun, press 4 if you have an unlicnsed firarm.

I'm not violent. This is silly maybe if I wait a bit I'll get an operator, a human operator.

You have not pressed a button, and are likely whining like a little bitch. Press 1 if you are a homosexual, press 2 if you are a Liberal Democrat, press 3 if you're going to do your patriotic duty.

Well I can't resist some one challenging my patriotism

You've pressed 3. Sneak up on your burglar, and strike him at the base of the skull. When he hits the floor, roll him over and whilst he is stunned, stamp down hard on the centre of his rib cage once.

In the meantime here's some mood music

The Girl from Ipanema starts playing

So I did my patriotic duty. It was messy, it was Oh God what have I done, I killed him. He only wanted my DVD it's not even region 1, nevermind Blueray. I'm a killer, a voice message made me into a monster.

And then the voice came back.

Don't worry about the mess, you will receive a voucher for the rental of a vax, and a bottle of Stain Devil Burgler remains by second class post. Please deposit your burglar outside the door in the orange human remains sack.

Oh God what have I become..

Placing your burglar in the green food waste bin, may lead to a fine of upto £500. Thanks for calling 999, these calls are sometimes monitored for quality purposes

Well that's nice you can always do with a bit of spare stain devil. Maybe I can say the DVD player was a Blue ray on the insurance form...

View original

Trimmed the fat, converting these skits is more hard work than I thought

I liked the zebedee gag best... Good luck with the sketch into stand up stuff but you have to make it less sketchy and more anecdotal which could prove tricky as I'm sure you are aware.