Robin Hood's Accountant

FXLD CREAKING DOOR

ACCOUNTANT:Ah, if it isn't Robin Hood! My favourite client...that wears a feather in their cap! Come in, come in. Leave your bow at the door. Now I've been looking over your finances...

ROBIN:Am I rich yet?!

ACCOUNTANT:Well...unfortunately Robin, no and I'm afraid a few cutbacks are in order.

ROBINhall I get my axe then?

ACCOUNTANT: No Robin, these problems can't be solved by chopping something down or killing it.

ROBIN:Really? Because I got a new axe today!

ACCOUNTANT:No! You see that's part of the problem. You're spending more than you're stealing. We really need to be looking at ways to limit your outlay.

ROBINhall I kill Maid Marian with my new axe?!

ACCOUNTANT:No!

ROBIN:But she does spend a lot...and I'd get to use my axe!

ACCOUNTANT:Well, you are actually financially better off being married although you could consider having some little hoods for extra tax breaks.

ROBIN:I'd rather use my axe.

ACCOUNTANT:Look, put the axe out of your mind you really do need to start controlling your spending. Have you thought about cutting one of the 'Merry Men' from the payroll?

ROBIN:I couldn't possibly do that to one of my loyal kinsmen.

ACCOUNTANT:What about Friar Tuck? His food bills alone are crippling you.

ROBIN:Hmm, I suppose he is a bit of a big, fat, hanger-on.

ACCOUNTANT:Right, so (FX: SCRIBBLING QUILL) "fire Friar Tuck". Now, what about Little John? You seem to be giving him a rather high percentage of your takings.

ROBIN:But he is my right-hand man; he would die for me!

ACCOUNTANT:You must at least try to lower his cut of your ill-gotten gains...sorry I mean earnings.

ROBIN:I suppose he can be quite argumentative... and If he doesn't drop his cut I can threaten him with my axe!

FX:FRIAR TUCK SIGHS THEN SCRIBBLES WITH HIS QUILL

ACCOUNTANTk, we finally seem to be making inroads. Now have you thought about living somewhere other than Sherwood Forest? Because wooden shack prices are currently very high around here.

ROBIN:But my heart is in the heart of the Forest.

ACCOUNTANT:Well, what about Loghboroughshire? If you lived on the outskirts of the Forest you could commute in?

ROBIN:Hmm, ok. As long as I don't have to get up before 11 o'clock.

ACCOUNTANT:Excellent! So (FX: QUILL SCRIBBLING) "Relocate...to...Loughboroughshire".

ROBIN:Can I go now; People don't rob themselves, you know.

ACCOUNTANT:Not just yet, but you've brought me perfectly to my next question: What financing strategy are you using?

ROBIN:You what?!

ACCOUNTANT:Well, what methods do you use to bring money in?

ROBIN:I just sort of steal from people around here.

ACCOUNTANT:But they're poor Robin. You need to expand your business.

ROBIN:What are you suggesting?

ACCOUNTANT:Well, rich people by definition have more money don't they? (BEAT) The answer is "Yes", Robin; so maybe you should steal from the rich instead?

ROBIN:Yes! You're a genius! The more money someone has the more you can steal from them, of course!

ACCOUNTANT:...and maybe if you give some to the poor they might look upon you more favourably, and charitable donations are also tax-deductible.

FX: CHAIR BEING PUSHED BACK AS ROBIN GETS UP TO LEAVE

ROBIN:Right, so steal from the rich; give to the poor. Steal from the rich: give to the poor.

ACCOUNTANT:Yep, it's as simple as that.

ROBIN:Great...So how much are you worth then?

ACCOUNTANT:Uhm, well, I, err, suppose I am quite well off, comparatively.

ROBINk then, hand over all your money you rich bastard!

ACCOUNTANTh bugger.

Liked this a lot

Some smart dialogue, payoff and funny context for a sketch. Paints a picture.

Thank you both.

It's a good idea.

But I'm not really hearing Robin Hood and it's really quite long.

The joke is good but I think a dashing honest robin hood and a weasley bank manager might be a stronger take?

Cheers, Sooty. The length shouldn't be a problem, it's only just two pages in radio format. I see where you are coming from about going against the grain of classic depictions of Robin Hood but I thought as long the character stays consistent it would work.

Thanks

No it's long for the style is what I mean.

Basically it's an elongated joke. Accountant suggests he robs the rich, so he robs accountant.

Hmm, the ending was the last thing I thought of so it was never built around that as a joke. Anyway, I appreciate your thoughts.

Also 2 pages is a long, long radio sketch.

Also both characters are playing to laughs, I usually find one straight character works better.

I think it's a terrific premise & enjoyed the read very much.
But I don't really think of Robin Hood with an Axe, more a Bow & Arrow
So I can see why SootyJ mentioned the characterisation.

Thanks, Steve. As much as it pains to do it I might need to rejig it.

It's a nice read all right, well written... You seem to be into Robin's at the moment.

Thanks

I would scrap the 'oh bugger' line and just end with Robin's line. Other than that I think it all works well, not too long, plenty of current issues people relate to and a logical twist at the end.

Bravo.