Looking for some constructive criticism and advice

Hello there!

My name is Kurt Shead, and as the title says, I'm looking for some advice and critiquing regarding my work! I have recently finished a screenplay which I am sending out to various producers and such!

I know that first impressions are often the most important, and so I am posting a copy of my initial query letter and synopsis in this thread for your evaluation. Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated! And, if any of you know any similar forums to this one where I can do something similar, please let me know!

Query letter:

Dear ---,

I have recently completed a screenplay entitled "Able", which I would like to propose to your agency for submission. It is a comedy-drama about a young boy with cerebral palsy who struggles to live with and look beyond the limits of his disability, even with the support of his family and friends. His father is torn between his loving duty towards his son and a newfound possibility of romance with a new woman that has come into both their lives. As the young boy sinks into a depression, he makes a life-changing decision...

I myself suffer from cerebral palsy, so I understand and am able to emulate in my writing the spectrum of emotional highs and lows that someone may feel in a similar position. I often do talks for people of my own age (19) about disability, challenging perceptions and societal labels, educating others into forward-thinking concepts. I am also writing a fantasy novel that currently stands at approximately 100,000 words. It has received positive feedback from American New York Times' bestselling author R.A. Salvatore.

As I am a new writer, I have not included a CV in my submission as I feel I have little information that would be relevant in terms of writing in a professional capacity. I hope you do not take it amiss.

I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,
Kurt Shead.

Synopsis:

"ABLE" is about Daniel, a young boy growing up with cerebral palsy, about a normal life lived differently - all through his life, he has maintained a highly tactile and loving relationship with his father (Sam), but as he grows older, and his disability becomes more poignant and difficult to manage, human contact gives way to the intervention of plastic and metal. Nonetheless, he and his father fumble through it all with stoicism and humour--from learning how to use urinal bottles to accepting the lurid-coloured slings used with mechanical hoists!--though at times their relationship is strained.

Things become even more difficult when the boy moves away to university - they feel lost without one another, and they both struggle to let new people into their lives. Both are presented with the opportunity of love, though neither are comfortable with their newfound feelings and hopes. Daniel forms a romantic relationship with a girl (Jess) who sees him in a way that others do not, though he is racked with doubts and embarrassment, for how can he ask her out for dinner when he cannot even feed himself? And if he really loves her, should he not let her be with someone who can do more for her?

His father also finds someone special (Kate), a woman who doesn't run at the mention of his disabled son. But like his son, Sam is also presented with the possibility of disappointment, because isn't he betraying his son by giving himself to someone else? And when she realises the level of devotion he has towards his son, will she not just leave?

While Sam eventually manages to see that his relationship with Kate is right for both him and Daniel, Daniel cannot come to terms with his situation, and in his anger, he pushes those who love him most away. Disgusted with himself, Daniel finally tries to commit suicide by driving his wheelchair into a canal, though Sam arrives in time and manages to save him.

The story is about their struggle with--and eventual acceptance of--their way of life, and of how a family of two can become a family of four, of how taking a chance and opening your heart can sometimes prove to be the best risk you could ever take.

Moved to Critique for you.

Given that you write on the subject with a greater if not a complete authority, I doubt if I would dare offer a critique as I would be stifled by my conditioning.
I think that factor would affect a lot of people( I could be wrong).

Given the uniqueness of your caper I think you should do it to your own standard and offer it as a fait accompli.

If it was on film I would watch it and laugh if it was funny, but if the balance was out from my perspective I would feel uncomfortable and that as you undoubtedly already know is the truth of the matter.

The craft is in creating the balance and of highlighting and delighting if you do you could be on a winner, but then again it could be shit, I really don't know

As a fellow writer all I can say is that being creative has to be a good thing and if what you write stinks you can do what we all do and work on the smell.

Good Luck

The letter seems polite and professional. The synopsis give a good idea of the premise and plot.

I do like the word societal, I'm going to endeavour to work that word into a conversation this weekend.

Well it's a nice professional looking letter.

But I'm not at all sold, none of the characters seem engaging, I;ve no idea about what happens plot etc beyond a rather mechanistic plot structure straight out of the Hallmark channel. Or how it grows as a story.

It's also deeply stuck in the single issue it works around and it may have the worst title ever.

And writing this for a comedy site, I'm assuming there is supposed to be some degree of humour. The only bit that made me smirk in the whole precis was the description of the attempted suicide.

Sorry to seem harsh but I'm an unimportant internet wonk. So my opinion is free and I think you'd struggle to get read with it the way it is.

Write the precis again, but this time summate the whole plot into one parragraph. Make the characters come alive in a couple of sentences.

And know that every single sentence you are fighting not to get it slung in the reject bin.

I'd also love to read an extract or the script it's self./

Welcom to the site Kurt.
This query demonstrates your ability to write well and promotes yourself as somebody an agent would want to work with.

Here's my cold reading of your letter.

"His father is torn between his loving duty towards his son and a newfound possibility of romance with a new woman"
Reading this line makes me feel the more intresting conflict lies with the father, not the son, maybe this could be redrafted so the story is kept from Sam's point of view - as in, if he knew the father was torn, then he wouldn't feel so neglected, which removes the need to feel marginalised in his father's life.

"I myself suffer from cerebral palsy, so I understand and am able to emulate in my writing the spectrum of emotional highs and lows that someone may feel in a similar position. I often do talks for people of my own age (19) about disability, challenging perceptions and societal labels, educating others into forward-thinking concepts"
- This is relevant information to include, but I would shorten it slightly.

'I myself have cerebal palsy and this influences some of the emotions and situations in the story, as does my experience as a speaker, where I have worked with groups who create awareness of the disability, challenge misconceptions and promote forward thinking debate.

I would say you need a logline. A query without a logline is generally useless. The first line after the Dear Whoever.... would be the logline. Not a tagline, the little catchy line you see on the poster 'In space no-one can hear you scream' but an enticing sentence, something concise and intriguing.... Tight and efficient.

It's good to have at at least three completed scripts before you approach anyone, and definitely tailor your submittals to relevent agencies. This is very hard. W.Morris or Gersh or ICM for example won't even open the envelope. Your story (The one you've wrote, and your own) has an angle that will intrigue as it sheds light on an area not so explored in fiction.

It's a worry that the two projects you pitch are wildly opposing in content and theme - BUT, displays an impressive range. But it's only fair to to reiterate that sending queries off the back of one completed screenplay will not get you anywhere. No matter how good the query or the script, the first thing asked will be, "What else do you have?" I promise you this the first 'rule' when sending queries and loglines. Your body of work is key.

"I am also writing a fantasy novel that currently stands at approximately 100,000 words." This needs to be "I have also completed......" As a works in progress isn't a saleable product, I know says it a lot about your intended direction and such, but still, it needs to be finished.

Then an agency that represents for both literary and film
knows what they're dealing with. I once won a competition for which half of the prize was meet and greets with agency reps and 9/10 asked what else have you got going on? I didn't improvise, answer quickly or profficient enough and so that ship sailed because they're looking for a 'person' who'll continually make them commision over the course of a career.

You say you have feedback from the author, this is CRUCIAL, a note from this guy, or e-mail, or any proof of documentation will place you about 200 places higher on the slush pile than without it. This is golddust. Don't underuse or underestimate the power of that.

"As I am a new writer, I have not included a CV in my submission as I feel I have little information that would be relevant in terms of writing in a professional capacity. I hope you do not take it amiss."
This means well but is too honest for your own good.
________________________________________________________________________
My rough, rough draft, for opinion's sake would read;

Dear xxxx
I am seeking representation for my screenplay titled: 'Able.'

LOGLINE: Sam Surname manages cerebal palsy, depression and the trials of first love yet his biggest challenge comes with his distracted father's new romance.

It's a comedy-drama about a young boy with cerebral palsy who sometimes struggles to live with, and look beyond, the limits of his disability.
Sam's delicate balance of family, friendships and coping is threatened when his father's chance at happiness with a mysterious new woman forces him to re-evaluate the roles they play in each other's lives. Sam's story follows the bitersweet transition from dependence to independence, taking in the lessons life throws at him and confronting his own fears and apprehension of standing on his own two feet along with a decision that potentially threatens to alter all of their lives forever..

As a writer with cerebal palsy, this influences and drives many of the emotions and situations in the story, as does my experience speaking to, and working with groups who create awareness of the disability, challenge misconceptions and promote forward thinking debate.
*Here would be where to explain samples of your work available - briefly, few wrods, sum up - and the novel, and be blunt and enticingly modest about the received positive feedback from the author R.A. Salvatore.*

My work is available for your immediate review of suitability and I am happy to sign a release form.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
_____________________________________________________________________________

Hopefully others with experience of having queries read/rejected can offer you more helpful advice than me.
Good luck!!

A list of production companies has been removed from this post due to an infringement

I'd drop the fantasy novel reference, doesn't sound like you're all in.

All in what?