Sketch Comp 18 - 25.8.11

Another great wank so congratulations to BILL JAGUAR for a worthy victory. Get rat-flapped and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Bill Jaguar
2 - 5 - Gerry McDonnell
1 - 1 - AngieBaby, Shandonbelle

Your new subject: The Tube (chosen by Shirl the Whirl)
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the bastard who never paid me (you know who you are).
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 25.8.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

203!!! - Mr Sunshine
187 - Kasm
169 - Otterfox
148 - Michael Monkhouse
143 - Cool Mikado
138 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
105 - Timbo
104 - AngieBaby
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
87 - Gerry McDonnell
83 - Ishy
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
30 - Stephen Goodlad
28 - Leevil
27 - Bushbaby
26 - David Chapman
25 - Teddy Paddalack, Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Shandonbelle, 404 Not Found, Blobster
21 - Shirl the Whirl, Nil Putters, Mikey J
20 - James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Reg N, Eggie
15 - Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Stephen Birch
13 - Badge
12 - RedZed333, Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Tuumble, Steven
10 - Bill Jaguar, Sean Night, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Jack Daniels, Flavian, Sean, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Lady Laughter, Scar Bum, veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

INT. TUBE TRAIN - DAY

Three Teenage friends (Holly, Mikey and Ed) sit around together in an empty carriage.

HOLLY
(Reading phone)
Hey, look at this Ed and Mikey, Anika has updated
her status on Facebook, she says she's having a
party this weekend.

ED
Cool Holly! I'm defo gonna go. I fancy Anika like
mad. Tell her I'm a model or something.

MIKEY
Ha ha ha, yeah right Ed, more like 'a balaclava model'.
Give it up, you have no chance with her, she's so popular,
she isn't into 'nice guys'.

HOLLY
Aw, that's not fair Mikey, on my Uni course, which I
paid for with my affordable loan, we did a study on
how girls really do like nice guys.

Ed takes his I-Pad from his pocket.

ED
I forget to mention Holly, and Ed, look at this e-mail
somebody sent me earlier, it's a web-viral, it's a Budgie
that squawks in synch with a Lady Ga-Ga song.

HOLLY
I love Lady Ga-Ga, Ed.

ED
Yes Holly. Me too. I will type LOL as my response, acronyms
save time. I also like her music. On my I-Pod I have many
of her tracks.

HOLLY
Speaking of tracks, how long until we arrive at our station?
We're missing out on some serious recreational time stuck on
this train.

MIKEY
Ha, you can say that again Holly. I'm gonna blog about
this on my 2012 olympics blog when I get home later.

Something catches Ed's eye. A rucksack sits on a seat nearby, no passengers are nearby.

ED
Holly, Mikey, I don't want to unduly frighten you, or
sound like I'm being overly suspicious, but look at that,
unattended luggage.

HOLLY
Don't be so fretful Ed. It's probably nothing. Probably
just an innocent mistake. No need to report it to a London
Underground supervisor, they're probably too busy.

MIKEY
Exactly Ed, they don't want inconveniencing. Just ignore it.

The Rucksack begins to vibrate and then explodes - The second it does the frame freezes and provides a green screen backdrop, in front of which a Police Officer steps into frame.

POLICE OFFICER
Hi kids. At first that looked a typical day riding on the
tube for you and your friends right? What you've just seen
was a dramatization of what you, your friends, and your family
can so often encounter yet choose to ignore because you think
it's 'too much of a fuss' or 'the staff are busy enough'. But
the truth is kids, London Underground staff are never too busy
to listen. Suspicious and unattended packages must ALWAYS be
reported. Many people over the past thirty years have
thought 'I won't be blown up today.' But guess what?
(Silence, waits for hypothetical answer)
That's right. They were. And so can you be too, and your friends,
and your families. So please, spread this message and stay safe.
Report all suspicious looking luggage and then together, we can...

The explosion reverses back to the start of the scene. This time Ed picks up the rucksack, stops a train attendent and hands it over.

POLICE OFFICER / HOLLY / MIKEY / ED
(In Unison)
....KEEP THE TUBE SAFE!!!

OH GOD!

A COCKNEY at a desk.

COCKNEY Awright geezers? Welcome to my YouTube channel, I'm God. Yeah, they said you wouldn't recognise me.
Now you might think it's pretty cool being the omnipotent almighty omniscient Creator of all things bright and beautiful; in actual fact it's actually the biggest pain the arse since George Michael discovered the public lavvy. The hours suck; I get blamed for everything - war, disease, Myspace; and me PR's by Jehovah's Witnesses, born-again Christians and Cliff Richard. The Devil gets all the best tunes.
I have family problems, you see. Never met my father. Or my mother. Or indeed any of my extended family... I had an only son and still didn't spoil him. He got nailed - he hates it when I say that. 'Daddy's getting a little cross', he hates it when I say that too. 'Cos for my sake - and he hates that, says it should be his - in all Eternity I only got one girl pregnant, didn't even get to shag her first. Virgin birth, what're the chances of that happening eh? 'Cheggers Plays Pop', Preggers plays with Pop, more like... Still, at least I don't have to be jealous of the husband... Plus it's no loss, I've seen the pictures, she's no oil painting! Well she is, but... Dunno why she thinks she's so special: kid thinks his mum's a Virgin, Mum thinks her kid's God, what's so strange about that? I prefer the eighties Madonna, phwoar eh? I'll take you Heaven and back, ha ha! 'Like A Virgin', not when I've finished with yer, love! They don't call me the Great One for nothing.
In fact in all this shite there's only one good thing about being God: you can do this... (presses Intercom):

INTERCOM Lord God Almighty, we love you, we worship you, we adore you, with all our hearts and all our souls and all our minds...

COCKNEY (simpers) Boh, what'm I like!

PREJUDICE
A MAN NAMED JOE WALKS ONTO THE TUBE TRAIN. IT IS DESERTED EXCEPT FOR ONE MAN, WHOM HE KNOWS.

MAN: Hello Joe, haven't seen you for a while, how have you been?

JOE: Oh not too bad, working the usual.

MAN: How's the boyfriend?

JOE: How many times? We are both called 'Joe', but she is Jo-anna.

MAN: Yes I remember. I also remember that she could probably have won Men's Shot Put at the Beijing Olympics.

JOE: (SARCASTICALLY) Ha-ha ha. Very funny.

MAN: Anyway I heard you are going for men now, and that you'd found yourself a nice man. Not like anyone hadn't noticed that you are that way inclined.

JOE: What do mean?

MAN: You're a complete stereotype: effeminate, pink, camp voice, just camp.

THE TUBE TRAIN STOPS AT THE NEXT STATION; THERE IS THE USUAL THRONG OF PEOPLE EAGER TO GET ON FIRST UNTIL THE DOORS OPEN. THE CROWD FREEZE, GASPS COMING FROM THE FRONT SLOWLY WORKING THEIR WAY TO THE BACK. NO ONE GETS ON.

JOE: Why aren't they getting on?

MAN: I have no idea.

THE DOORS CLOSE AND THEY ARE STILL THE ONLY ONES IN THE CARRIAGE.

JOE: That was weird.

MAN: No doubt.

JOE: So what are you doing then?

MAN: Me? Ah well, I'm back at uni; decided I would go after the Post Grad degree after all.

JOE: Fabulous, wish I could have gone to Cambridge. Still I'm very happy with where I am.

MAN: I have heard rumours about where you are mate, and frankly I wish I knew less.

JOE: (SARCASTICALLY) Hahaha, very funny. My funny bone is splitting.

TRAIN STOPS, ANOTHER BATCH OF COMMUTERS FREEZE ON THE SPOT.

JOE: Well this is my stop; it has been nice talking to you. We should catch up again.

MAN: That would be great, see you soon.

JOE: Yeah cheers Ahmed.

Scene opens in Transport for London's head office, the red phone rings.

Receptionist: It's the Crow. He's asked to speak to you.

TFL: Oh great, just what I need. Put him through.

CROW: Ahhhh TFL, we meet again!

TFL: Seriously Bob, we're all adults here, do we have to go through this every time?

CROW: For too long my army of subterranean chariot masters...

TFL: Tube drivers, Bob.

CROW: Subterranean chariot masters....have been forced to manipulate the drones around your capitalist network and for too long you have continued to treat them like slaves.

TFL: They earn twice the average wage Bob, now what's this all about?

CROW: Brother Nightshade.

TFL: Who?

CROW: You will know him by his slave name, Derek Appleby.

TFL: Right, yes, Mr Appleby.

CROW: You terminated him.

TFL: His employment, yes and for very good reason.

CROW: You call "assault and theft" good reason.

TFL: Yes Bob, we do.

CROW: I am not Bob... I'm The Crow....TFL must know this grievous act cannot go without retaliation... I am mobilising my armies for revolution.

TFL: Right ok, I look forward to receiving your strike form.

CROW: ah yes, the form...well I look forward to filling it in! Oh and I must say I like that blue tie you're wearing....

TFL: *casts his eye over to the window*

TFL: Ah there you are Bob, you know you're double parked don't you.

CROW: what? damn. Right then...The Crow must fly....Until we meet again TFL, until we meet again.

TUBE ANNOUNCER:
I'm pleased to report that there is a good service on all lines this weekend, however there are some station closures.

At the station in Wapping, the trains are not stopping.
At Shepherds Bush Market, the drivers won't park it.
At Canary Wharf, the power is orf.
Baker street, is closed due to heat.
At Bromley by Bow, there's too much snow.
At Clapham Junction the lifts just won't function.
At Hackney Wick, the staff phoned in sick.
Golders Green is not very clean.
Heron Quays is infested with fleas.
At Mornington Crescent, the smell's not too pleasant.
At St John's Wood, they're having a flood.
At Blackfriars, they're having some fires.
And it's probably best to avoid Bank station too.

RORY IS WALKING ALONG A BUSY LONDON STREET WHEN HIS FRIEND CATCHES UP WITH HIM.

JUSTIN - Hey, Rory!

RORY - Justin, how you doing?

JUSTIN - Really great - just got a new job.

RORY - Cool. What you doing?

JUSTIN - You are looking at the new voice of the underground!

RORY - Eh?

JUSTIN - I'll be doing announcements and all that, and - wait for it - they are recording my voice for the iconic "mind the gap".

RORY - (PRETENDS TO BE ANNOUNCING) Mind the gap!

JUSTIN - No Rory, it's more "mind...the gap". Stress and emphasis - it's what got me the job.

RORY - Hang on - they've already got a recording for "mind the gap".

JUSTIN - I know, they're redoing it. They wanted a voice with more authority. And have you seen those new posters that are like a massive television? Well they're going to film me saying "mind the gap". I'm not sure yet if it's going to be head and shoulders or if they will just zoom in on my mouth.

RORY - Don't be daft. If they zoom in on your mouth and say "mind the gap" everyone will think it's the gap in your teeth.

JUSTIN - I haven't got gaps in my teeth.

RORY - No, just the one in the middle like the Blackwall Tunnel.

JUSTIN - Oh,cheers.

THEY ARE WALKING PAST ROAD WORKS AND THERE IS A BIG HOLE IN THE ROAD. JUSTIN SHOVES RORY DOWN THE HOLE. FROM HIS CRIES WE KNOW IT IS QUITE DEEP. JUSTIN KNEELS BY THE HOLE, STROKES HIS THROAT AND THEN ANNOUNCES.

JUSTIN - Mind the gap!

A LITTLE OLD LADY IS WALKING PAST AND DOES A DOUBLE-TAKE WHEN SHE HEARS "MIND THE GAP" AND LOOKS REALLY ANGRY. THERE IS A CLOSE UP OF HER BEARING HER TEETH, WHICH HAVE LOTS OF GAPS.

OLD WOMAN - I'll give him mind the bloody gap!

SHE SHOVES JUSTIN DOWN THE HOLE AND STOMPS OFF. VOICES FLOAT UP FROM THE HOLE.

RORY - Ouch, you've got your knee in my knackers!

There was an old man from Bude
Who went for a ride on the tube
Two ladies did frown
When his trousers fell down
And saw a dwarf hanging down from his pubes...

INT. LONDON UNDERGROUND. DAY

FOUR HUNDRED COMMUTERS ARE STANDING SILENTLY ON AN UNDERGROUND PLATFORM WAITING FOR A TRAIN. ABOVE THEM THE LED INFORMATION BOARDS ARE ALL BLANK

SFX: (Announcer) Your attention. London Underground would like to advise you that all lines are running a normal service this morning.

THERE IS A COLLECTIVE GROAN AND EIGHT HUNDRED SHOULDERS SAG IN UNISON

end

OXFORD CIRCUS TUBE STATION - 9.30pm FRIDAY EVENING

A MALE CITY BANKER ENTERS THE TUBE, OBVIOUSLY THE WORST FOR DRINK.

HE SETTLES INTO A SEAT AND PLACES A CRUDELY MADE CARDBOARD SIGN ON HIS CHEST
'WAKE - MUST GET OFF AT MILE END'
THEN PROMPTLY FALLS INTO A DRUNKEN SLEEP.

BETHNAL GREEN STATION

PASSENGER
Oi mate, Mile Ends next stop (HE TAPS THE DRUNK ON THE SHOULDER)

DRUNK ROUSES MOMENTARIALY
F**k off
HE SWATS THE PASSENGER AWAY BEFORE FALLING BACK INTO HIS STUPOR

EPPING STATION (LAST STOP ON THE LINE)

THE DRUNK COMES TO WITH A START, HE LOOKS AROUND TO SEE A CARRIAGE EMPTY APART FROM A COUPLE ABOUT TO GET OFF.

THEY LOOK BACK AT HIM WITH DISGUST.

HE STUMBLES UP, THE SIGN FALLS OFF HIS CHEST ONTO THE FLOOR
'WANK OFF AT MILE END'

A MAN RUNS FOR THE TUBE. AS THE DOORS BEGIN TO CLOSE HE SEES A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN IN A SNOOD BOARD THE TRAIN.

MAN: Hey wait! You with the snood, hold the doors.

THE WOMAN DOESN'T MOVE. HE KEEPS RUNNING

MAN: With the snood! Hold the door!

AGAIN THE WOMAN DOESN'T MOVE. HE RUNS

MAN: You, in the snoo...

HE SLOWS DOWN AS HE REALISES IT'S NOT A SNOOD, IT'S NECK FAT.

HE WAITS FOR THE NEXT TRAIN.

INT. TUBE- DAY

A MAN (JOHN) WALKS ON TO A FAIRLY PACKED CARRIAGE. EVERYONE IS SILENT AND AVOIDING EYE CONTACT.

JOHN SCRATCHES HIS RIGHT EAR, AND THEN HIS LEFT EAR.

A WOMAN AHEAD OF HIM SCRATCHES HER RIGHT EAR, AND THEN HER LEFT EAR.

JOHN: (IN A STRONG COCKNEY ACCENT)
Alright guys, I'm John, how's it going?

EVERYONE ON THE TUBE BEGINS TO SPEAK. CRIES OF "ALRIGHT MATE", "HOW DO GEEZER" and "JOHNNNNNY" RING OUT.

WOMAN: (IN A STRONG COCKNEY ACCENT)
Did you see EastEnders last night John?

JOHN:
I did, that Phil Mitchell's a wrong 'un ain't he?

WOMAN:
You're bang on the money John; he's a nasty piece of work.

MAN: (IN A STRONG COCKNEY ACCENT)
I missed it last night, I was watching the football.

JOHN:
I caught the highlights, Arsenal need new blood, that Wenger's having a giraffe.

THE TUBE REACHES THE NEXT STOP. A MAN WEARING A NEWCASTLE TOP JOINS THE CARRIAGE

EVERYONE REMAINS SILENT AND AVOIDS EYE CONTACT

THE TUBE REACHES THE NEXT STOP. THE GEORDIE GETS OFF AND A MAN (TONY) GETS ON

TONY SCRATCHES HIS RIGHT EAR, AND THEN HIS LEFT EAR.

JOHN SCRATCHES HIS RIGHT EAR, AND THEN HIS LEFT EAR.

TONY: (IN A STRONG COCKNEY ACCENT)
Alright folks, I'm Tony, let's all have a sing-song!

EVERYONE ON THE CARRIAGE JOINS HANDS AND SINGS 'KNEES UP MOTHER BROWN'

INT: TUBE CARRIAGE

TOM: Here, take my seat.

AMY: Oh I get it, you think I'm pregnant, don't you?

TOM: I was only being polite.

AMY: I'm sorry, exactly how does offending me make you polite?

TOM: All I did was offer you my seat.

AMY: If you're so hot on etiquette, how come you don't know that the
most embarrassing thing anyone can ever do on the Tube is to offer their seats up for a women whom they thought was pregnant, but is actually just fat?

TOM: I didn't mean to upset you, You looked a little tired, that's all.

AMY: So I'm lazy as well as fat, am I? Next you'll be telling me I'm ugly.

TOM: I wasn't thinking that at all. In fact I was wondering what you're doing for dinner.

AMY: Why? Do you want to come watch me scoffing from a trough?

TOM: No I meant... on a date.

AMY: More like a 'pity shag'?

TOM: Well, I thought we'd could start with a meal...but I've changed my mind. You've got massive chip on your shoulder.

AMY: I'm not falling for that one again.

TOM: I'm getting off, this is my stop.

AMY: Typical bloke, as soon as they get to know the real me, they run away.

AMY SITS ON TOM'S VACATED SEAT.

A PREGNANT WOMAN GETS ON THE CARRIANGE AND WALKS TOWARDS AMY.

AMY <GROWLING>: Keep moving sister!

INT. TUBE STATION. A CROWD OF COMMUTERS ARE STANDING WAITING FOR A TUBE. THE TUBE ARRIVES, THE DOOR OPENS. A MAN IS STANDING AT THE DOORS. HE IS WAFTING HIS ARMS AROUND HIS ASS. MAN: I'd give it five minutes. THE MAN WALKS THROUGH THE CROWD.

Fart jokes everytime....

NK...