Smash and Grab!

Late night in Manchester, Sharon and Tracy going home.

Sharon; 'Oh my God what's going on here?'

Tracy; 'Looks like a riot'

Sharon; 'Blimey not stayin' round 'ere'

Tracy; 'Hey that Dorothy Perkins window is smashed, fancy a look'?

Sharon; ' Not really, their size 12 jeans did'nt fit anyway'

Tracy; 'True all a bit small'

They head down a side street, to see police vans and people running.

They head up to Picadilly Station.

Sharon; ' Have you got a pound coin Tracy?'

Tracy; 'Er, no why?'

Sharon; ' Just fancied a bag of crisps from machine'

Tracy; 'Bugger, I'll try this method'

Tracy hits machine with stiletto heel shoe, result 2 crisps and a Mars bar fall out... 'Result!' says Sharon, they catch train home.

Isn't this more of a documentary?

It's an engagfing bit of banter, but the Pmeister has hit the nail on the head.

My suggestion would be they walk through town not looting, get to the machine it swallows their money. So one of them smashes the window of a shop and steals just one pound from the till.

And the machine steals the money again.

Sorry guys, ran out of space when typing? So had to cut sketch short.

My last bit was;

The girls get on train and meet mate Darren;

Sharon; 'Hi Daz, what's that big bag you've got?'

Tracy; 'Wow he's been lootin!'

Darren; 'No it's me nans' dry cleaning'

Yes still bad! but trying stuff out.

Dellas that doesn't improve it.

I think you should look at your writing style, to make it funny you need to twist expectation. or maybe introduce some funny dialogue otherwise it's just a rather mundane slice of life.

Quote: Marc P @ August 18 2011, 9:00 AM BST

Isn't this more of a documentary?

View original

Aw, which one are you Marc?

I quite liked the parallel universe vibe from it; that they're quite innocent but their actions seem to emulate the trouble right next to them, especially with the added ending. If this was developed to find comparisons could be really entertaining.
Also, Tracy and Sharon could be replaced with updated hideous made-up names to get laughs straight away

Agree with Soots but there's a lot in there that could be developed and improved, good to see something in Critique from you Dellas

Yes a good idea in there, I liked the jeans line. Maybe Daz has a bag of goods but he can't come out rioting later as he is back on police duty.

Read to me like there were unrealised ideas trying to get out.

The Dorothy Perkins thing could've shown them browsing at leisure "I wonder if this comes in blue?" "It's how much? No thank you" and trying things on but ultimately deciding nothing suits, so leaving empty handed. "I wonder all where the staff are?" "It's going to get drafty if they leave that window like that"

Or even primark "They've done a number here, have you been looted?" Assistant: "Sadly no, our displays always looks this"

The vending machine, they could hit it, have everything fall out and still not get the thing they wanted, so it hit it again, or even ask a passing bobby, "Excuse me, could you tip this machine?"

Something like that could give these airhead-alter-egos of yours a sort of 'oblivious to the nature of crime' thing going on.

Sets feminism back about sixty years but could be v.funny.

Thanks eveyone, had to start somewhere! Great advice beginning to grasp that

'gentle' humour is'nt enough.

You've got some good advice I'd listen to it.

Gentle humour is fine.

Structureless pseudo humour not so much.

I really liked the gentleness of the characters, underneath the brashness of the surroundings and our expectation. Looking forward to seeing it developed

Thanks will try some new ideas.

Manchester riots.

Lambrina and Cidre are trying to get home during riots;

Lambrina; ' Look! a smashed window in 'Primark'

Cidre; 'OH worth a look' then tries crawling through small hole in window.

Lambrina; 'God you can't fit through!'

Cidre; 'OH no!, Does my bum look big in this?'

Lambrina; 'Sick of telling you to wear dark- imagine the CCTV?'

Cidre; 'Oh My God, the shame- robbin' clothes from Primark!'

They run to railway passing police and rioters.

On the train they meet a neighbour Darren.

Cidre; 'Hi Daz, you look happy, what you got tonight?'

Daz; 'I got a £90 real quick'

Lambrina; What and how?'

Daz; ' Sold a load of balaclavas on the station tonight!

Another attempt; any better guys?.

Bring the names even more up to date, even more dreadful!

Loved does my bum look big in this', extend this line or the context to get more out of it, 'it looks smaller squeezing through smashed glass than when...' 'but it's not practical for me to stay like this for dates and that', 'no, it's not really practical, unless...'.

Why did Darren have a load of balaclavas? Getting rid of twenty years worth of granny's rubbish knitting? They were supposed to be...

Glad you're persevering