Sex Education For Juniors

This is probably more in Charley's line. Thoughts please.

INT. CLASSROOM. DAY.

A TEACHER IS SHOWING A GROUP OF TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRLS A VIDEO OF A WOMAN GIVING BIRTH IN CLASS.

TEACHER: Now that is the amniotic sac breaking and releasing lots of amniotic fluid.

KIDS: Urgh!

TEACHER: Now the lady has to push as much as she can to get the baby out. The midwife will urge the woman to push and the father will help by giving his partner words of encouragement… (under her breath) if he can be bothered to turn up!

F/X SOUNDS FROM VIDEO OF MIDWIFE TELLING MOTHER TO PUSH.

TEACHER: Look children. You can see the baby’s head. You can see how the mother’s vulva has to stretch to allow the baby’s head to come out. She’s doing well here although she seems in a lot of pain. Sometimes, particularly if this is the first child, the baby doesn’t always come out easily.

F/X SOUNDS FROM VIDEO OF THE MOTHER SCREAMING ETC.

TEACHER: No sometimes there’s some tearing and the mother will need to be stitched up afterwards… (under her breath) well and truly stitched up!. Now you can see that the baby is out and the nurse is wiping off some of the membrane still clinging to the head.

KIDS: Yuk!

TEACHER: Oh look. Sometimes mums push so hard that they poo themselves.

KID: URGH!

TEACHER: That purple red thing is the afterbirth or placenta. It looks a bit like her internal organs. Don’t worry, they haven’t fallen out. In fact, that’s the role the placenta plays during pregnancy.

KIDS: Oh my God.

TEACHER: Now mum is holding her baby for the first time. Now the dad is holding the baby for the first time…(under her breath) and probably only time!

KID: Was your husband there at the birth of your daughter?

TEACHER: No. He was too …err… busy …(under her breath) shagging the woman next door!

TEACHER TURNS THE VIDEO OFF.

TEACHER: There we are girls, one of the most beautiful experiences you will ever have.

First off, for the record, I really liked this sketch. However, take out the bitter and twisted lines like:

(under her breath) well and truly stitched up!

It doesn't need it. I liked the concept of a totally sadistic teacher. The only other thing left to say is, in my view, this sketch was a funny, well-balanced and structured piece of writing. Good stuff.

I liked it as well... not only do I know where babies come from it was funny as well.

I liked the sadistic thing under her breath if you build it up, like she shouts at a student or goes on a rant at the end then cools down to say "There we are girls, one of the most beautiful experiences you will ever have"

Cheers guys. Baumski, believe it or not, I ummed and arred over whether to make her bitter and twisted and actually added it at the last minute! You've helped me decide.

Quote: Wildjesusfishkid @ June 22, 2007, 10:17 AM

Sometimes mums push so hard that they poo themselves.

View original

Can I get that on a T-shirt?

Really liked the sketch.

Brilliant! And I always thought it was the babe on the stalk.

A lot depends on the kids being more and more horrified.

It might be a funny twist at the end if it was revealed to be the Teacher's home video that she'd brought in. And then possibly topped off with a "now let's watch the conception." Although I may have stolen that conception line.

I agree with Baumski. The twisted and bitter lines need to come out. Outhwise, it's a good sketch.

I Think it is FaNtAbUlOuS.
I am your No 1 fan.
That means I get to stalk you.

Thank you for your observations once again.