Hotel

A SWANKY HOTEL - LONDON

A MAN IS ESCORTED TO HIS ROOM BY AN EAGER NEW BELLBOY WHO CARRIES HIS SUITCASE.

THE BELLBOY HEAVES THE CASE ONTO THE BED AND BEGINS UNZIPPING IT.

MAN
That won't be necessary (HE JUMPS IN FRONT OF THE CASE)

BELLBOY
All part of the service Sir (HE REACHES ACROSS THE MAN PLACING ONE ARM ON EITHER SIDE OF HIM AND PULLS ON BOTH ENDS OF THE ZIP)

MAN
Get the f**k away from my case you moron before I break your f**king fingers. (HIS HEAD IS NOW UNDER THE BELLBOY'S ARM AS HE TRIES TO WRESTLE HIM OFF)

THE BELLBOY CONTINUES PULLING ON THE ZIP, UNDETERRED.
All part of the service Sir.

I'll break every bone in your f**king body you prick if you don't let the f**k go.
(THE MAN TRIES TO HEADBUTT THE BELLBOY BUT IS STUCK UNDER HIS ARM)

THE BELLBOY CARRIES ON ATTEMPTING TO UNZIP THE CASE.
All part of the service Sir.

THE MAN LAUNCHES A KICK BETWEEN HIS LEGS.

THE BELLBOY FALLS TO THE FLOOR STILL GRIPPED TO THE CASE, WHICH SPILLS OPEN ON TOP OF HIM.

A MANSIZE BABYGROW, TEDDYBEAR, BOXSET OF TELETUBBIE DVD'S AND OTHER BABY PARAPHENILIA LITTER THE FLOOR.

THE BELLBOY GETS UP AND HOBBLES TOWARDS THE DOOR.

MAN
Wee wee, poo poo. (HE DANCES UP AND DOWN ON THE SPOT)

THE BELLBOY TURNS BACK, TAKES THE MAN'S HAND AND LEADS HIM TO THE BATHROOM.
All part of the service Sir.

MAN
Goo goo.

Liked the contrast between the worst of adultness and the total switch to baby helplessness in the face of losing the battle, and liked that the bellboy stuck to his professional line when confronted with the change in scene, but it didn't ring true that the bellboy was so insubordinate throughout. Could you make this a longer piece looking at the motivations behind this fetish, as you've started to do, and work the bellboy into a more comparative character?

I liked it too. I wanted more - which is always a good sign.

Yes, I liked that.

Ok I laughed out loud at that.

It shouldn't work. But the pace is so brisk and the initial bit with the wrestling of the case is just beuatifully written.

The twist comes from nowhere and that's just f**king hilarious.

This is proof of my theory that the less you explain and the more you surprise the better.

It was written quickly in about 10 minutes as I tend to do, so I didn't have any real plan behind it, and you're right Sooty, I have taken on board the advice I've got on here re show don't tell... thanks all.

Funny and unique.