Here's a script for an animated sitcom I wrote a couple of years ago about two bumbling American cops being transferred to England in a Police exchange programme. Just re-read it and liked a few bits and was wondering if it was worth pursuing a bit more. It's a bit of a read, but if you're bored...
Maple & Jefferson
PC John Maple
Age: 37
Height: 5'7
Weight: 19 st.
Birthplace: Phoenix, Arizona. USA.
John Maple is an intellectually challenged individual who has dedicated his life to the (Police) 'force'. From Bouncer to Toy Store security guard, Maple has always had a passion to protect the public. He married in 1999 and months later was hired to work for the NYPD. Unfortunately his enthusiasm for the job wrecked his marriage with his wife, after leaving him she stated "He'd rather strip search a criminal than me". Maple never forgave himself, and although shows a hard exterior, inside he's emotionally wounded and yearns to find the love of his life before it's too late.
Although often ignored by his partner, Maple is like a father figure to the younger Jefferson. He looks out for him when he can and tries to give advice, even if Jefferson doesn't necessarily want it. With long black hair, facial hair and a short, pudgy figure he isn't the fittest police officer around, but what his stamina lacks his desire to nail a wrong'un prevails.
'Maple & Jefferson' Character Profiles
PC Dominic Jefferson
Age: 29
Height: 6'2
Weight: 13 st.
Birthplace: Albany, Georgia. USA.
Dominic Jefferson is a young man who once scored a 57 on an IQ test, believing it was a job application for Pizza Hut. He's not the wittiest when it comes to exams, but can score high with the ladies anywhere he goes. His natural charm combined with an unorthodox approach means he's had his fair share of broads in the past, but once he arrived in England he was only interested in one girl - Lucy.
Put up for adoption at birth, young Jefferson was brought up by a working class family in Georgia, where his 'Father' was a Cop. As soon as he could walk he went out in the garden with his handcuffs in his back pocket looking for any trouble. Whether it being arresting the neighbour's cat or chasing his shadow, he's always looked up to his Father and his job as something he'd love to do. At the age of 17, during work experience down at his Father's Police Station, his Dad was stabbed by a homosexual man late at night. This brought on his fear of gay people as well as a strong desire to be a great cop like his deceased Father.
Black, tall with a sassy and fiery attitude, Jefferson is the more adventurous out of the two. Maple's more slow and calm attitude may ground him at times, but if Jefferson's got a passion in his heart for something, nothing nor nobody can get in his way.
SCENE 1. INT. KINGHAM POLICE STATION. STAFF ROOM. DAY
[IN KINGHAM POLICE STATION, CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL, A SEVENTY SOMETHING YEAR OLD WITH A STRONG BIRMINGHAM ACCENT HAS CALLED A STAFF MEETING. UPPER CLASS JOBSWORTH, SERGEANT BERNAND IS ALSO AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM.]
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
Hello team, first on the agenda today is...[HE LOOKS AT NOTES]
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
Ah, right. Last month's clamp down on burglary was not as successful as we would have liked. As well as more houses being burgled than ever before, somehow our very own police station got robbed. I mean it's the little things like this which are letting this station down.
PC LUCY
What did they take?
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
They took some handcuffs, some batons...erm...they took all our staples. So if you were thinking of doing any stapling this week, pfft good luck. They left the TV, but annoyingly they took the remote control, so we've had to buy a brand new TV. I mean we were all here when this happened people?! 3.30 on Thursday! Who didn't think to stop the man with the goldfish tank underneath his jumper? Eh? They took...what else did they take, Sergeant Bernand?
SERGEANT BERNAND
Our radios, our police tracking tags, our mace...
PC LUCY
If they took the tracking tags, wouldn't it be really easy to find them on the tracking computer?
[THE CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL AND SERGEANT BERNAND ARE SILENT AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THEY REALISE THEY COULD HAVE TRACKED THE CRIMINALS EASILY. SERGEANT BERNAND SWIFTLY WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM TO FIND THE THIEVES ON THE TRACKING COMPUTERS.]
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
On a different topic, the other reason you've all been called in here is because today is a very special occasion for everyone at Kingham Police Station...
[DURING THE CHIEF INSPECTOR'S ANNOUNCEMENT, THERE ARE CUTAWAYS TO MAPLE AND JEFFERSON'S TRIP. THEY ARE SUBTLE VISUALS SUCH AS A CLOSE UP OF THEIR FOOTSTEPS, AND A SHIMMER OFF THEIR BADGES, ETC. BUILDING UP TO THE REVEAL OF WHO THEY ARE. THIS IS REVEALED AS THEY HAND IN THEIR PASSPORT'S TO BE CHECKED, AS THE AUDIENCE CAN SEE THEIR PASSPORT PHOTO'S. ONE OF THE PASSPORT'S HAS A 'P' SCRIBBLED OUT SO IT READS 'ASSPORT'. FOLLOWED BY, A SHOT OF A PLANE FLYING FROM AMERICA TO BRITAIN, FROM A BIRDSEYE VIEW OF A MAP. DURING ALL THIS THE CREDITS ROLL, THE CREDITS COME UP ON THE SCREEN WITH MORE SUBTLENESS THAN A TRADITIONAL CARTOON; IT PARODIES THE WAY FILMS HANDLE OPENING CREDITS.]
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
...We've linked up with an American Police Force for a Police Exchange programme. We've sent two of our best officers over there, and they've sent two of their best officers over here for a month. The advantages of this are that both parties can learn new techniques and skills from each other's cultures. So let's give a big warm round of applause...not too big because the confidence might go to their heads...but a fairly warm round of applause to...Maple and Jefferson...Maple and Jefferson?
SCENE 2. EXT. MAPLE AND JEFFERSON'S CAR. ROAD. DAY
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON ARE IN THEIR CAR GOING ROUND AND ROUND THE SAME ROUNDABOUT WHILST SINGING JOURNEY'S 'ANYWAY YOU WANT IT', THE SONG REMAINS ON THE RADIO WHILST THEY'RE TALKING. INSIDE THE CAR ARE HALF-EATEN DONUTS, EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE AND A COPY OF 'STEREOTYPES MONTHLY']
MAPLE & JEFFERSON
Anyway you want it,
That's the way to do it,
Anyway you want it!
MAPLE
Now Jefferson, now that we're 'British Police officers' we need to act noble and sophiscatated.
JEFFERSON
Quit talking garbage, man. We'll do fine!
MAPLE
Ah see, in England they don't call it garbage; they call it 'rubbish'. And do you know what they call an elevator?
JEFFERSON
What?
MAPLE
An escalator.
[SUDDENLY A VEHICLE DANGEROUSLY OVERTAKES MAPLE AND JEFFERSONS CAR, THE VIEWER CAN NOT SEE THE VEHICLE ALL THEY CAN SEE IS MAPLE AND JEFFERSON IN THEIR CAR.]
JEFFERSON
Hey!
MAPLE
What the hell?!
JEFFERSON
Did that punk ass just cut you up?
MAPLE
Crazy British bastards! First the War of Independence and now this!
JEFFERSON
Did you see the name on the front?
MAPLE
Yeah those letters don't look English to me!
JEFFERSON
It must be a foreign van.
MAPLE
Exactly what I was thinking...terrorists!
SCENE 3. INT. KINGHAM POLICE STATION. STAFF ROOM. DAY
[CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL IS STILL SPEAKING TO THE POLICE STAFF, WHO APPEAR TO BE BORED.]
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
[LAUGHING]...So Mr. Kipling said to me they're good cakes, and I said they're not; they're in fact exceedingly good cakes! Ha ha! And that's how the name came about...
[THE CHIEF INSPECTOR IMMEDIATELY STOPS LAUGHING AND TURNS SERIOUS.]
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
Not too soon after that I sued Mr. Kipling for using what I said as his tagline. Didn't get a penny. The press at the time labelled me a [DOES QUOTATION GESTURES] 'looney' for suggesting the judge was bribed with cakes but may I ask... why would any judge have 12,000 cherry bakewells in the boot of their car?
[DOUG A FAT, PARTICULARLY SLOW THINKING POLICE OFFICER RAISES HIS HAND.]
DOUG
Maybe he was bribed with the cakes?
[THE CHIEF INSPECTOR IS SLIGHTLY TAKEN A BACK AS HE DIDN'T EXPECT AN ANSWER TO HIS RHETORICAL QUESTION.]
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
Yep. Exactly. That's why you're on the force, Doug. You saw through him. I had the last laugh though, because unfortunately Mr. Kipling went past his [DOES QUOTATION GESTURES] 'sell by date' many moons ago yet I'm still here, alive and well. Eh?
[SERGEANT BERNAND COMES RUSHING BACK IN THE ROOM, SLIGHTLY OUT OF BREATH.]
SERGEANT BERNAND
We can't track the burglars. They stole the tracking computers as well. So well done Lucy, for wasting a police officer's time. Bad. You'll get your wages docked if you carry on like that.
PC LUCY
I was only suggesting...
SERGEANT BERNAND
Have the Americans not arrived yet? They were supposed to be here by now, what's the time?
[SERGEANT BERNAND LOOKS AT THE CLOCK ON THE WALL BUT THE CLOCK HANDS HAVE BEEN STOLEN.]
SERGEANT BERNAND
Bloody thieves! Who steals the hands of a clock?! Can anybody tell me the bloomin' time?!
SCENE 4. EXT. MAPLE AND JEFFERSON'S CAR. ROAD. DAY
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON ARE STILL IN THEIR CAR WITH THE MUSIC UP LOUD CHASING THE VEHICLE]
MAPLE
It's ramming time terrorists!
JEFFERSON
It's Ramadan!!
MAPLE
Hey, that's clever, 'cos they're terrorists and Ramadan's what they do.
JEFFERSON
Oh yeah! I didn't even know that, man! See how smart I am? That's why I'm an American cop! Let's ram their asses, Maple! Become the ram! Pretend you're a man sheep!
MAPLE
[TO HIMSELF] Man sheep! Man sheep!
[JOURNEY'S 'ANY WAY YOU WANT IT' REACHES ITS CLIMATIC CHORUS AS MAPLE AND JEFFERSON'S CAR REVS UP. JUST AS THEIR CAR HITS THE VEHICLE, THE SCENE ENDS]
SCENE 5. INT. KINGHAM POLICE STATION. STAFF ROOM. DAY
[THE STAFF MEETING IS STILL CONTINUING.]
SERGEANT BERNAND
I mean what human being steals my anniversary cards!?
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
Maybe we should move along down the agenda, and give the staff an update on the escaped mental patient?
SERGEANT BERNAND
Ah yes, well the escaped mental patient took another life last night...My Son, PC Phillip is the only one who's come close to catching this fiend. He tracked her down on Facebook but it soon became apparent how warped she really is. [DRAMATIC] She's joined the 'old layout was better' group, she's joined the 'new layout is better' group, I mean she defies all logic! Unfortunately just as my Son was about to find out her layabouts, she...she blocked him. There was nothing he could do. She's a crazy woman.
OFFICER DOUG
Did he check if she's on Myspace?
SERGEANT BERNAND
She's not that crazy! Everyone knows Myspace is old hat!
SECRETARY
Sir, Maple and Jefferson are here.
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
Ah, right come in guys, come in.
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON ENTER THE ROOM WITH A MINIMAL EFFORT OF CLAPPING MY THE STAFF]
MAPLE
Sorry we're late; we had a little trouble on the freeway.
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
No worries gents, I'm as you know Chief Inspector Revell and this is Sergeant Bernand, and this is the force. Erm...Why don't you tell us a little about yourself?
MAPLE
Well, I'm Maple. [PAUSE] And this is...
JEFFERSON
Oh hey! Yeah I'm Jefferson.
[PAUSE]
SERGEANT BERNAND
Why don't you tell us how you became police officers?
JEFFERSON
Oh, well we both worked in a big toy store in the states as security men. Every crime in the store we solved; the great toy train robbery? We stopped it. The missing Lindbergh baby doll? We found it.
MAPLE
And then we were promoted and ever since we've been fighting the bad guys. Jefferson, show them some of the stuff we use on the force.
[JEFFERSON GETS OUT HIS HANDCUFFS.]
JEFFERSON
These are handy cuffs. You use them to cuff people's hands together.
SERGEANT BERNAND
Yes, we have them over here as well.
JEFFERSON
What a coincidence. That's what I like about you Brits; we've got a lot of similarities. I think it's great you speak the same language as ours!
[MAPLE GETS OUT HIS GUN FROM HIS JACKET POCKET.]
MAPLE
This is the kind of gun we use.
SERGEANT BERNAND
Oh you can't carry those firearms here. Us British Police officers, we don't really use them.
MAPLE
Really? That's peculiar!
JEFFERSON
What next? We can't beat on the prisoners?
SERGEANT BERNAND
Heh Yes, but seriously can you just put the weapons on the table or...
MAPLE
Why? We're mature professionals; we know what we're doing...
[MAPLE ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS THE CHIEF INSPECTOR IN HIS RIGHT LEG. THE WHOLE ROOM IS IN SHOCK.]
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
Ow my leg! You've shot my leg!!
SERGEANT BERNAND
Jesus Christ! PC Lucy, fetch the first aid kit!
[PC LUCY LEAVES THE ROOM TO GET THE FIRST AID KIT.]
SERGEANT BERNAND
Susan! Ring an ambulance immediately!
[SUSAN THE SECRETARY LEAVES THE ROOM TO RING AN AMBULANCE.]
MAPLE
Oh my God! I'm real sorry man.
[PC LUCY COMES RUSHING BACK INTO THE ROOM.]
PC LUCY
Sarge, the first aid kit was stolen last week.
SERGEANT BERNAND
For God's sake!
MAPLE
Can, can we start again? Hi my name's Maple.
[MAPLE GOES TO SHAKE THE HAND OF THE CHIEF INSPECTOR WHO IS IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN ON THE FLOOR.]
SERGEANT BERNAND
Look just put the gun down!
MAPLE
No, no it's okay; I'll put it on the safety lock...
[AS MAPLE PUTS THE GUN ON THE SAFETY LOCK HE ACCIDENTALLY FIRES ANOTHER BULLET WHICH GOES STRAIGHT INTO THE CHIEF INSPECTOR'S LEFT LEG.]
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
Aaaah!
SERGEANT BERNAND
Put the gun down now!!
MAPLE
[QUICK] Okay.
SERGEANT BERNAND
Sir, are you okay?
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
Ah, the second bullet is right on the bone, I'm in agony. Is there any way anybody knows how to get it out?
[JEFFERSON TAKES OUT HIS GUN AND POINTS IT TOWARDS THE CHIEF INSPECTOR]
JEFFERSON
Hey man, I can shoot the bullet out if you want? See if I can ricochet it...
SERGEANT BERNAND
No! No! Put your gun down.
JEFFERSON
[IN DEFENCE] Okay, I'm only trying to help.
[SUSAN THE SECRETARY RUSHES BACK IN THE ROOM]
SUSAN
Sarge, there's some kind of problem; all ambulances in the area are currently unavailable.
SERGEANT BERNAND
What? That's preposterous!
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
If I die, make sure Mr. Kipling's Grandchildren get what's coming to them.
SERGEANT BERNAND
Don't worry Sir, stay with us.
[MAPLE STARES AT THE NEWLY INSTALLED TELEVISION IN THE ROOM.]
MAPLE
I don't know if this is the right time, but is that a new 1080p HDTV?
JEFFERSON
Hey I think it is, let's put it on, a game might be on? It might take the Chief Inspector's mind off the excruciating pain?
[JEFFERSON PRESSES THE ON SWITCH AND TV COMES ON]
SUSAN THE SECRETARY
Wait, what's this?
[ON THE TELEVISION, A FEMALE NEWS REPORTER IS BREAKING A BULLETIN. DURING THE REPORT, FILE PHOTOS OF MAPLE AND JEFFERSON COME UP ON THE SCREEN.]
FEMALE REPORTER
There's been an update on our breaking story of the hour, the two American terrorists disguised as police officers have been identified as John Maple and Dominic Jefferson. The two men have been caught trying to take down the National Health Service after amateur footage caught them earlier today ramming an ambulance off the road.
[THE ROOM IS IN SHOCK. THERE'S A BRIEF SILENCE BEFORE MAPLE BLURTS OUT]
MAPLE
That's an ambulance?!
SERGEANT BERNAND
Oh sweet Jesus.
JEFFERSON
We're not the terrorists? They're the terrorists!
SERGEANT BERNAND
I don't believe what I'm seeing!
MAPLE
That's...that's not an ambulance! I mean look! It has Arabic writing on the front of the van!
JEFFERSON
Yeah!
OFFICER PHILLIP
That's mirrored writing you absolute cretins!
JEFFERSON
Hey, come on; everyone needs to calm down...so we made one mistake?
[BACK ON THE TV, THE FEMALE REPORTER IS CONTINUING THE REPORT.]
FEMALE REPORTER
After the initial ramming, a series of other ambulances tried to help the injured paramedics but were each rammed off the road themselves by the two evil masterminds.
[VIDEO FOOTAGES SHOWS MAPLE AND JEFFERSON'S CAR RAMMING OVER OTHER AMBULANCES OFF THE ROAD. A PARAMEDIC GETS OUT OF THE FLOORED AMBULANCE AND PLEADS FOR THEM TO STOP, JEFFERSON GETS OUT THE CAR AND PUNCHES THE MAN. AS THE MAN FALLS TO THE FLOOR JEFFERSON REPEATEDLY KICKS HIM, AS MAPLE CONTINUES TO RAM ANOTHER ALREADY TIPPED OVER AMBULANCE UNTIL IT EXPLODES.]
[EVERYONE IN THE POLICE CHIEF INSPECTOR'S OFFICE IS IN SILENCE.]
MAPLE
At least the explosion looked good on the HDTV eh guys?
SCENE 6. POLICE STATION. SERGEANT BERNAND'S OFFICE. DAY
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON ARE SAT DOWN IN SERGEANT BERNAND'S OFFICE AS HE ADDRESSES THEM FOR THEIR SHODDY BEHAVIOUR.]
SERGEANT BERNAND
This police station has become a national joke because of you two! I've just seen the early press prints! Look...[Reads] The Guardian are calling it '9/11 2',', The Telegraph's headline is 'Queen to PM: Drown The Yanks!' and The Daily Mail write 'Why Are All These Foreigners Coming Over Here And Ramming Our Ambulances?'
[JEFFERSON POINTS TO A DIFFERENT NEWSPAPER.
JEFFERSON
Wait, what's that one say?
[SERGEANT BERNAND PICKS UP THE NEWSPAPER.]
SERGEANT BERNAND
[DISCOURAGINGLY] The Sun have preferred to go with the story of Kerry Katona who's had a haircut, they've done a 5 page spread about that...but it says here the page 3 girl mentions she wouldn't want you ramming her.
MAPLE
This is stupid! It wasn't our fault! Back home in the states, our ambulances are red and white, not...florescent yellow and green.
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON BEGIN TO SNIGGER.]
SERGEANT BERNAND
Oh you think it's funny do you? Well I doubt the Chief Inspector does. At the moment he's having surgery on both the legs you shot, if it's unsuccessful they may have to amputate them. He may never play hopscotch again.
JEFFERSON
Woah, wait a minute. Kerry Katona had a haircut? ...Who's Kerry Katona?
MAPLE
Tut. Duh. It's a soccer team. You know, the Kerry Katona's?
SERGEANT BERNAND
For gawd's sake! I don't get it. I just don't understand. We sent over two good officers to America, two good, decent officers! And what do we get? Two imbeciles!
JEFFERSON
[ANGRY] Excuse me...what is an imbecile?!
MAPLE
Hey! I know what it means! It means we're pregnant doesn't it?
SERGEANT BERNAND
No! It means you're stupid...you're idiots!
JEFFERSON
Me not idiot!
MAPLE
How can I be an idiot if I'm educationed? And so's Jefferson, tell him!
JEFFERSON
[SARCASTIC] I didn't go to university for no reason!
MAPLE
See? We've both got degrees!
JEFFERSON
No...I didn't go to university, I had no reason. As a teenager I was a little weird...when I grew up I wanted to be a dolphin.
[THERE'S A BRIEF SILENCE IN THE ROOM.]
MAPLE
[HESITATION] Well...that's still a very, very smart fish.
SERGEANT BERNAND
Right that's it! I've had enough of this tomfoolery! Both of you go home, I'll deal with you tomorrow.
JEFFERSON
Okay Sarge and can I just say we're both really sorry about what happened; we're not usually anything like what we were like today and...
[A NOISE CAN BE HEARD FROM OUTSIDE. IT'S THE JINGLE FROM AN ICE CREAM VAN.]
JEFFERSON
...what's that?
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON RUSH TO THE WINDOW.]
MAPLE
It's a terrorist! Come on Jefferson, let's ram it!
SERGEANT BERNAND
No! Sit down! It's an ice cream van!
MAPLE
Oh I'm sorry. How silly of me, the jingle sounds different to what we have in America, so I thought...Jefferson! Look a terrorist!
SERGEANT BERNAND
No, that's a badger!
MAPLE
Oh, I don't know what's come over me, we'll see you tomorrow Sarge.
[AS MAPLE IS WALKING OUT THE ROOM HE LOOKS AT HIS REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR]
MAPLE
Terrorist!
SERGEANT BERNAND
That's your reflection.
MAPLE
I knew that!
SCENE 7. INT. POLICE STATION. CORRIDOR. DAY
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON ARE WALKING THROUGH THE CORRIDOR IN THE POLICE STATION TOWARDS THE LOBBY]
MAPLE
I think we've really messed up here Jefferson.
JEFFERSON
Yeah but we've had worse times in our career, like the time we wandered onto the set of that Hollywood film...
SCENE 8. FILM TRAILER MONTAGE.
[CUTAWAY TO A FAKE FILM TRAILER. THE SCREEN GOES MOMENTARILY BLACK, AND THEN FADES OUT TO REVEAL A BUS IN 1950'S AMERICA. A FILM VOICEOVER SPEAKS.]
FILM VOICEOVER
When one woman was told to stand up...she... sat down.
[INSIDE THE BUS SITS A DEFIANT WOMAN. IT'S REVEALED TO BE AN ACTRESS PORTRAYING ROSA PARKS.]
ROSA PARKS
There ain't no way my fat ass is getting off this damn bus! Mm-hm!
[LIMP BIZKIT'S 'ROLLIN' BEGINS TO PLAY]
FILM VOICEOVER
Rosa Parks: The Vendetta
[A MONTAGE OF SEVERAL CLIPS FROM THE FILM INCLUDING ROSA PARKS WITH A FLAMETHROWER ENTERING THE BUS DEPO.]
ROSA PARKS
We gonna cook us some bus drivers!
BUS DRIVER
Oh my God! It's Rosa Parks! Run for your lives!
[ANOTHER CLIP SHOWS A BUS DRIVER DRIVING ALONG, BUT ROSA PARKS CHUCKS HER WALKING STICK WHICH ACTS LIKE A SPEAR THROUGH THE WINDOW AND STABS THE BUS DRIVER IN HIS HEART. THE BUS THEN CRASHES INTO AN ORPHANAGE.]
FILM VOICEOVER
Based on a true story.
[ROSA PARKS IS RUNNING DOWN THE STREET CHASING A BUS DRIVER. HOWEVER A LITTLE GIRL WHO IS SKIPPING IS IN HER WAY.]
ROSA PARKS
Get out my way, little girl!
[SO ROSA PARKS GETS OUT HER MINI GUN AND SHOOTS HER DEAD.]
GIRL
Aaaah!
[ROSA PARKS CATCHES UP WITH THE BUS DRIVER AND PINS HIM UP AGAINST A BUS AND ATTEMPTS TO GIVE HIM A 'GLASGOW GRIN', BY STICKING HER BUS PASS IN THE BUS DRIVERS MOUTH.]
ROSA PARKS
How about a nice 'Alabama Grin'?
[JEFFERSON RUNS ONTO THE SET NOT KNOWING IT'S ONLY A MOVIE AND STARTS PUNCHING THE ACTRESS PORTRAYING ROSA PARKS. AS SHE FALLS TO THE FLOOR HE REPEATEDLY KICKS HER. THE DIRECTOR YELLS AT JEFFERSON.]
JEFFERSON
Hey, hey! Get your old age ass off that man!!! Are you crazy or something?!
DIRECTOR
Cut!! What the hell are you doing?!?! Get this maniac off the set now! Security!? Security!?
[JEFFERSON STOPS AND LOOKS AT THE DIRECTOR WITH CONFUSION]
JEFFERSON
Who are you?! What is this?
DIRECTOR
It's a movie!
[AS JEFFERSON REALISES IT'S A MOVIE, MAPLE DRIVES FULL SPEED ONTO SET SMASHING INTO THE ACTRESS PORTRAYING ROSA PARKS WHOS' NOW SQUASHED BETWEEN A BUS AND A CAR MOTIONLESS.]
MAPLE
It's a what now?
SCENE 9. INT. POLICE STATION. LOBBY. DAY
MAPLE
Yeah, you're right that was pretty bad.
[JEFFERSON SPOTS PC PHILLIP SHOUTING AT HIS COLLEAGUE, PC LUCY. THEY ARE STANDING NEXT TO A BLIND MAN.]
JEFFERSON
Is he really badmouthing a woman that attractive?!
PHILLIP
PC Lucy, stop arguing with me and charge the man!
OFFICER PC LUCY
Phillip, you can't arrest a blind man for jay walking!
PHILLIP
What he was doing was against the law! Rules are rules!
OFFICER PC LUCY
But Phillip...
PHILLIP
Do it or I'll tell my Dad you're assisting a crime.
OFFICER PC LUCY
You can't do that!
[JEFFERSON APPROACHES PC PHILLIP.]
JEFFERSON
Hey player, can I see your award?
PHILLIP
What award?
JEFFERSON
You know. Award for receiving the world's biggest ass whoopin'.
BLIND MAN
Can I go now?
[THE BLIND MAN IS IGNORED.]
PHILLIP
Oh it's the Americans. May I say, it's such an honour to be in your presence.
MAPLE
[NAIVELY ENTHUSIASTIC] Hello there friend, my name's Maple...
PHILLIP
I'm not your friend! You see this here, [Points to badge] it says that I'm part of the British police force...and forgive me if I'm wrong but neither of you are British.
MAPLE
One of my Dad's was British?
BLIND MAN
I need to get home to my Wife, please let me go.
[THE BLIND MAN IS IGNORED.]
JEFFERSON
Okay mister, you, me, outside. Fight to the death!
PHILLIP
What? Isn't 12 paramedics and a crippled Chief Inspector enough violence for you two today or do you need to wipe out the entire town before you're happy? Typical Americans!
JEFFERSON
Hey! Are you stereotyping us?
[THE BLIND MAN IS FED UP WITH BEING IGNORED AND DECIDES TO TRY AND LEAVE HIMSELF. TAPPING HIS WALKING STICK IN FRONT OF HIM AND GENERALLY BUMPING INTO THINGS.]
PHILLIP
No, no...You two do that for me! [SARCASTIC] Oh my God, look Maple...it's a terrorist!
[PHILLIP IS POINTING AT A CUP OF COFFEE. AT FIRST MAPLE IS QUITE REACTIVE AND SHOCKED, BUT HE SOON CATCHES ON HE'S BEING PRANKED.]
MAPLE
Hey, that's not a terrorist; it's a cup of coffee....or is it?
[MAPLE HAS SECOND THOUGHTS AND NOW CONSIDERS IT COULD ACTUALLY BE A TERRORIST. HE SQUINTS HIS EYES AND REACHES INTO HIS POCKET LIKE HE'S GOING TO PULL OUT HIS GUN, BUT ULTIMATELY HE DOESN'T. PHILLIP AND THE OTHER POLICE OFFICERS IN THE LOBBY LAUGH AT THE DEJECTED MAPLE AND JEFFERSON WHO LEAVE.]
JEFFERSON
Come on Maple, let's go.
[AS MAPLE AND JEFFERSON LEAVE, PHILLIP IS HAPPY WITH HIMSELF. AS THE DOORS AUTOMATICALLY OPEN AND THE TWO OF THEM LEAVE, THE BLIND MAN UNINTENTIONALLY FOLLOWS THEM OUT OF THE STATION.PC LUCY GOES UP TO PC PHILLIP.]
PC LUCY
You went way too far Phillip, it wasn't funny.
[AS PC PHILLIP IS TALKING YOU CAN SEE IN THE REFLECTION ON THE WINDOW OF THE BLIND MAN ATTEMPTING TO CROSS THE ROAD ONCE, THEN STOPPING TO LET A CAR GO PAST AND THEN CONTINUING. AS HE CONTINUES TO WALK ACROSS A ROAD A MASSIVE 16 WHEELED LORRY KNOCKS HIM OVER AT A GREAT SPEED. PC PHILLIP DOESN'T REACT, ALMOST LIKE HE'S NOT NOTICED ANYTHING AS HE'S SO FOCUSED ON TAKING DOWN MAPLE AND JEFFERSON.]
PHILLIP
Too far? PC Lucy, I haven't even got started. I'm going to investigate their earlier hi-jinks to see if I can uncover any more dirt on the pair of twerps. And when I do I'll be able to get the promotion I deserve!
SCENE 10. INT. MAPLE AND JEFFERSON'S FLAT. NIGHT
[IN MAPLE AND JEFFERSON'S FLAT, JEFFERSON IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV WHILST MAPLE IS UNPACKING HIS SUITCASE. THE FLAT IS A DECENT SIZE, BUT IS GENERALLY MESSY WITH CRISP PACKETS ON THE FLOOR AND COATS SPRAWLED OVER CHAIRS.]
JEFFERSON
[NAIVELY HAPPY] Hey, look Maple we're on TV again!
[ON THE TELEVISION IS THE NEWS. IN THE STUDIO A NEWSREADER IS REPORTING THE BACKLASH TO MAPLE AND JEFFERSON'S EARLIER ANTICS.]
NEWSREADER
Parents all across Britain have launched a protest outside 10 Downing Street, letting the Prime Minister know what they think about fiends Maple and Jefferson.
[FOOTAGE OF THE PROTEST WITH AN ANGRY MOTHER BEING INTERVIEWED.]
MOTHER 1
All I want is my children to be safe from these two monsters!!
[FOOTAGE OF THE SCENES OUTSIDE 10 DOWNING STREET WITH REPORTER 1 DOING A VOICEOVER.]
REPORTER 1
The incident seems to have joined the nation together with the local paedophiles joining the Parents protest later this afternoon
[FOOTAGE OF A REPORTER INTERVIEWING A TEARFUL PAEDOPHILE.]
PAEDOPHILE
They make me sick!
[MOTHER 2 PUTS HER ARM AROUND THE PAEDOPHILE IN A SYMPATHETIC MANNER.]
MOTHER 2
Don't worry; they make all of us sick!
[BACK TO THE STUDIO.]
NEWSREADER
Should we bring back the death penalty for the likes of Maple & Jefferson? The Prime Minister had this to say...
[CUTS TO A CLIP OF THE PRIME MINISTER. THE AUDIO FROM THIS CLIP IS LEGIT, HOWEVER IT'S OBVIOUSLY BEEN TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT.]
PRIME MINISTER
Yes.
[BACK IN THE FLAT MAPLE AND JEFFERSON AREN'T ENJOYING WHAT THEY'RE SEEING.]
MAPLE
Jefferson, turn it over, it's depressing.
JEFFERSON
Hey Mape, it's not all bad...England's a small country it's not like the whole world hates us.
NEWSREADER
Even extremist Muslims in Pakistan have turned to the streets burning effigies of Maple and Jefferson.
MAPLE
What did we do to them?!
[BACK ON THE TELEVISION THERE IS FOOTAGE OF MUSLIMS IN THE STREETS OF PAKISTAN RIOTING.]
REPORTER 2
Excuse me, what have Maple and Jefferson done exactly to insult the Muslim culture?
EXTREMIST MUSLIM
Eh, it's been a quiet month, we just like burning effigies.
[CAMERA REVEALS THE EXTREMIST MUSLIM IS IN A SHOP CALLED 'EFFIGIES 'R' US'. IN THE STORE IS A RANGE OF EFFIGIES PEOPLE CAN BUY TO BURN.]
[BACK IN THEIR FLAT, MAPLE AND JEFFERSON CAN'T BELIEVE THE REACTION OF THE EXTREMIST MUSLIMS.]
MAPLE
Look at them burning the effigies, flames are going everywhere! Someone could get hurt!
JEFFERSON
Yeah, where are the fire-fighters?
MAPLE
They are the fire-fighters!
[ON THE TELEVISION THERE IS FOOTAGE OF EXTREMIST MUSLIM FIREFIGHTERS MARCHING IN THE STREETS WITH MAPLE AND JEFFERSON EFFIGIES.]
EXTREMIST MUSLIM FIREFIGHTER
Burn them! Burn them!
[BACK IN THE FLAT.]
MAPLE
See? The whole world hates us!
[JEFFERSON CHANGES THE CHANNEL. THE PROGRAMME ON THE OTHER CHANNEL IS DAYTIME TALK SHOW 'THE JEREMY KYLE SHOW'.]
JEFFERSON
Not this channel, this channel hates adults who hit their kids!
JEREMY KYLE
So Tanya, what made you hit your defenceless 5 year old Daughter? What influenced you to be so violent?
TANYA
Well, I saw those Maple and Jefferson people on the news. And I just got the urge to physically abuse my children.
JEREMY KYLE
Don't worry Tanya, we all know this isn't your fault. I don't usually do this sort of thing, but until Maple and Jefferson are sent back to America, I'm going to start hitting my children too!
[AUDIENCE CHEERS.]
[JEFFERSON GOES UP TO THE TV AND TURNS IT OFF.]
MAPLE
We've only been in England 12 hours!
JEFFERSON
Maple, pack your bags. We're leaving, man!
MAPLE
Oh, but I just unpacked them!
JEFFERSON
[ANGRY] I wanna go home; this isn't our home, man! This is just a cruddy cold country, [DRAMATICALLY CHANGES TONE, HE'S NOW BEING AFFECTIONATE] with lovely curtains. I love these curtains!
MAPLE
But here my teeth status has gone up three places. In America they were labelled as crooked, but in England they're deemed admirable.
[QUICK ZOOM INTO MAPLE'S MOUTH TO SHOW A DETAILED LOOK AT MAPLE'S CROOKED AND HORRIBLE TEETH]
JEFFERSON
But Mapes, don't you miss America? How can you just forget about our roots, man? I miss the way an American citizen can reach 300 lbs and still be teased for being 'skinny', I miss the way we can aggressively discriminate Mexico yet it's not deemed even remotely racist....and I miss the way our flat mate Earl would always be on the Sofa, drunk out of his face...have you forgotten about Earl, Maple?
MAPLE
But you hated Earl?
JEFFERSON
Yeah, but I had got used to hating Earl! I'm not sure I could hate anybody the same way again. I miss the way he never moved from that spot of the sofa, so now that spot isn't quite the same colour as the rest of the sofa.
MAPLE
Oh yeah, and remember when we'd come in drunk and not know if he had choked to death on his own vomit or not! Those were such fun times.
JEFFERSON
Exactly! And how his smell was so repulsive it even kept the flies away! What's going to keep the flies away here?
MAPLE
The curtains?
JEFFERSON
[AFFECTIONATELY JEFFERSON STROKES THE CURTAINS] That is just another reason why these curtains are so magnificent. [JEFFERSON TURNS HIS ATTENTION BACK TO MAPLE] Anyway man, the point is, I don't like change Maple. And especially when we're in a place which doesn't want us here! I don't like it in England. I wanna go home!
MAPLE
You've just gotta accept things change, Jefferson?
JEFFERSON
No, I don't want to! I don't like change! I liked things the way they were! You really think we're gonna go out there tomorrow, and be able to do our jobs with all this ambulance crap over our heads?
MAPLE
Well, we've got to Jefferson. We're policemen.
JEFFERSON
WE ARE NOT POLICEMEN! We are cops!... And we're not British, we're American. We don't belong here.
[DURING MAPLE'S NEXT PIECE OF DIALOGUE AN INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF JOURNEY'S 'DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'' STARTS TO PLAY.]
[MAPLE STANDS UP]
MAPLE
But can't you see Jefferson, that's why we have to stay. What will those British people think if they see the two Americans run away with their tails in between their legs? We're over here in England representing our country; we're ambassadors for the USA! We've got a job to do here, and we've got to do it the American way. Fine, it'll be half assed and ill-thought out...but that's the American way. Whenever the US has declared war, it's always ill-thought out! Whenever the US goes into space it's always half assed! Fine, we went to the moon...but have we gone back? No we can't be bothered! Yet we continue to pump millions of dollars into NASA every year! What I'm saying is true Americans are committed! [SLOW] Even if we suck, we commit to the sucking.
JEFFERSON
[EMOTIONAL] I don't know if I can suck anymore?
MAPLE
Hey, if you can't, I'll do the sucking for the both of us.
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON HUG]
JEFFERSON
Hey man, what if we try not to suck?
MAPLE
We what?
JEFFERSON
You know, maybe if we really really try hard, tomorrow we could do our job without messing it up? We could not only prove we're committed, but we could prove that Americans can do things right too.
MAPLE
But I stopped believing that a long time ago.
[JEFFERSON SMILES.]
[JOURNEY'S 'DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'' HIT'S THE FINAL CHORUS AS A 35 SECOND MONTAGE STARTS. IN THE MONTAGE THERE ARE 4 CLIPS:
1.MAPLE AND JEFFERSON PUT THEIR GUNS IN TWO OUTSIDE BINS AND HIGH FIVE EACH OTHER AS THEY WALK OFF. TWO DRUGGIES ARE CLOSE BEHIND THEM AND LOOK IN THE BINS AND TAKE OUT THE GUNS. THEY THEN LOOK MENACINGLY LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO USE THEM.
2.THERE'S A QUICK KNOCK ON MAPLE AND JEFFERSON'S DOOR. JEFFERSON OPENS IT IN HIS DRESSING GOWN, THE CAMERA REVEALS SOMEONE HAS PRANKED THEM AND LEFT A BURNING AMERICAN FLAG IN THE CORRIDOR. JEFFERSON GOES INSIDE AND THROWS A BIG BOTTLE OF WATER OVER THE FLAG. HOWEVER THE FLAMES GET WORSE. JEFFERSON LOOKS AT THE BOTTLE AND REALISES IT SAYS 'PETROL'. THE FIRE GETS EXCEEDINGLY WORSE. JEFFERSON THEN GRABS A FIRE EXTINGUISHER BUT SPRAYING THAT ALSO MAKES IT WORSE, HE READS THE LABEL 'RIDICULOUSLY FLAMMABLE PETROL'.
3.MAPLE AND JEFFERSON ARE ABOUT TO POST A LETTER. JUST BEFORE THEY DO THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN, THE ENVELOPE SAYS 'TO THE MUSLISMS, SORRY TO OFFEND YOU, WE THINK YOU ROCK' WITH A PICTURE OF A BEARDED MAN WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE MUHAMMAD PLAYING THE GUITAR
4.MAPLE AND JEFFERSON ARE DRIVING IN THEIR POLICE CAR AND THEY NOTICE AN AMBULANCE DRIVING BY THEM. THEY BOTH LOOK AT THE DRIVER, SMILE AND PUT THEIR THUMBS UP. THE AMBULANCE DRIVER NOTICES THEM, GETS SCARED AND ACCIDENTALLY DRIVES OFF A CLIFF.]
SCENE 11. INT. POLICE STATION. SERGEANT BERNAND'S OFFICE. DAY
[AT THE END OF THE MONTAGE MAPLE AND JEFFERSON HAPPILY WALK IN SERGEANT BERNAND'S OFFICE AND SIT DOWN, JUST AFTER JOURNEY SING THE LINE 'DON'T STOP BELIEVIN' THE MUSIC STOPS AND SEARGENT BERNAND'S DIALOGUE BEGINS]
SERGEANT BERNAND
You're both fired.
JEFFERSON
What?
MAPLE
Aw crap!
SERGEANT BERNAND
I've made the decision to fire you as from this moment. The Chief Inspector's condition deteriorated last night and one of his legs was amputated. He's distraught; the hopscotch championships were only days away.
JEFFERSON
But Sarge, we're ambassadors for our country over here...
MAPLE
Yeah we're representing America...
SERGEANT BERNAND
You're correct, you do. That's why I'm firing you. I'm right on track to take over as the Chief Inspector as soon as Mr. Revell retires, he's 78 he hasn't got long left. When I'm in control, they'll be a lot of changes. No slackers, no outsiders and lots of discipline! Do you really think I'd risk all that by allowing a couple of witless yanks to run amok at my station? Don't even bother answering that, leave my station immediately.
MAPLE
Please reconsider Sarge, we can make it worth your while.
[MAPLE RUBS HIS FINGERS TOGETHER INDICATING MONEY. SERGEANT BERNAND LOOKS LIKE HE MAY RECONSIDER]
MAPLE
We could give you a finger massage?
SCENE 12. EXT. FRONT OF THE POLICE STATION. DAY
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON WALK OUT OF THE STATION LOOKING MELANCHOLY]
JEFFERSON
Back home we'd do a great job, and no one would give us any credit, and it's the same here too!
[THE BLIND MAN THAT GOT KNOCKED DOWN EARLIER ON IN THE EPISODE IS STILL LYING ON THE ROAD, HE LOOKS UP TO MAPLE AND JEFFERSON AS THEY ARE WALKING PAST.]
BLIND MAN
Please help me.
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON CONTINUE WALKING AND DO NOT NOTICE HIM.]
MAPLE
I guess things didn't change as much as you thought, eh?
[AS THEY'RE WALKING OUTSIDE THE STATION, THE CHIEF INSPECTOR IS WHEELED TOWARDS THEM BY DOUG.]
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
Alright fellas, what you up to?
MAPLE
We've been fired.
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
What for?
JEFFERSON
Apparently Sir, in this country you can get fired for shooting your Chief Inspector in the legs.
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
Oh that? No, it's just a scratch!
MAPLE
With all good respect Sir, one of your legs has been amputated.
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
When you're in this condition Jefferson, you've got to remain positive, son.
MAPLE
So what's it like having only one leg, Chief Inspector?
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
To be honest Maple, the most annoying thing about it is I only bought a new pair of shoes last week. Me and Doug have just come back from Clarks, the thieving gits. They won't let me get my money back! They said my leg being amputated wasn't their problem! I bloody knew that already!! I'm the one in the wheelchair!
JEFFERSON
That's horrible! I can't believe that!
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
Yeah, well it's a new rule they've brought in. Apparently Heather Mills has been tricking the company for years; they say she's probably stolen £70 worth of amputated-related refunds.
[SERGEANT BERNAND RUNS OUT OF THE POLICE STATION TOWARDS THEM.]
SERGEANT BERNAND
Oh Sir, it's great to see you out of the hospital, however we've got a problem. Stevens and James aren't available for call out as two drug users are holding them up at gunpoint downtown, but there's a woman on Tierney Street threatening to jump off a building and I've got no officers left to help her.
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
Well you've got two perfectly good officers right here who could help?
SERGEANT BERNAND
But Sir I, I fired them for you.
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
I don't want them fired Timothy! I commissioned this police exchange program remember! How much of a fool would I look like if I fired the Americans as soon as they came here?
MAPLE
[CHUCKLING] You would look like quite an idiot, Sir!
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
Exactly, so next time Timothy; think before you do anything stupid. Also why...
[CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL STOPS MID-SENTENCE AS HE NOTICES A COUPLE OF GIRLS PLAYING HOPSKOTCH ACROSS THE STREET, HE GETS TEARFUL]
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
...wheel me inside Doug, I suddenly can't face the outside anymore.
[DOUG WHEELS HIM TOWARDS THE POLICE STATION WHILST SERGEANT BERNAND LOOKS ON ANGRILY TOWARDS MAPLE AND JEFFERSON.]
MAPLE
Your name's Timothy?
JEFFERSON
Timothy?!
[JEFFERSON BEGINS TO LAUGH, SERGEANT BERNAND TURNS HIS ATTENTION TO HIM AND PRODS HIM IN THE CHEST]
SERGEANT BERNAND
I may not be able to fire you...yet, but one wrong move, just one and both of you will be filing for the rest of the month, do you understand that, sonny Jim?
JEFFERSON
Who's sonny Jim?
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
[ANNOYED] Sonny Jim doesn't matter!
[A MAN WEARING A JUMPER WITH 'SONNY JIM' ON IT WALKS PAST WITH HIS TWO FRIENDS, WHO ALSO HAVE JUMPERS WITH THEIR NAMES ON THEM.]
SONNY JIM
Oh. Oh okay. No, that hurts. We know when we're not wanted. Billy no mates, Pete's Sake, come on let's go.
PETE'S SAKE
This'll teach us for buying jumpers with our names on them.
BILLY NO MATES
I'll never be as happy as Larry.
[ACROSS THE STREET IS A MAN WEARING A JUMPER WITH 'LARRY' ON IT. THIS MAN IS EXTREMELY HAPPY.]
SCENE 13. INT. FLAT STAIRWELL. TIERNEY STREET. DAY
[THE ELEVATOR IS BROKE SO MAPLE AND JEFFERSON ARE CLIMBING THE STEPS TO THE ROOF OF THE FLAT IN TIERNEY STREET WHERE THE SUICIDAL WOMAN IS.]
JEFFERSON
[GASP] So many stairs! Out of all of the apartments on Tierney Street, why did the elevator have to be broke in this one?
MAPLE
Keep going. We've still got another 43 flights to go.
JEFFERSON
43 flights?! Man, I'm telling ya, if we go up there and there's not someone on the verge of killing themself I'm gonna be so annoyed!
[FADES TO INDICATE TIME HAS PASSED.]
MAPLE
Just another 13 to go.
JEFFERSON
Maple, I don't have the energy to speak. So I'm just gonna hum the songs I want played at my funeral in case we die here.
[JEFFERSON STARTS HUMMING 'OLD MAN RIVER'.]
MAPLE
Jefferson, nobody dies walking up flights of stairs.
[AS THEY WALK UP THE NEXT FLIGHT OF STAIRS THEY SEE THE SKELETONS OF TWO POLICE OFFICERS WHO LOOK SIMILIAR TO THEM, LOOKING LIKE THEY DIED CRAWLING UP THE STAIRS.]
MAPLE & JEFFERSON
Aaah!!
[A MAN FROM THE CORRIDOR OF THE FLOOR ENTERS WITH A BROOM.]
CORRIDOR MAN
Sorry for the fright, we had a late Halloween party last night.
[THE CORRIDOR MAN STARTS SWEEPING THE FAKE SKELETONS INTO A BAG.]
JEFFERSON
But it's April?
CORRIDOR MAN
I told you it was a late one.
[FADES TO INDICATE TIME HAS PASSED.]
SCENE 14. EXT. 35 TIERNEY STREET ROOFTOP. DAY
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON FINALLY REACH THE ROOF DOOR, THEY OPEN IT AND STEP OUT AND LOOK AROUND FOR THE SUICIDAL WOMAN.]
JEFFERSON
Where is she?
MAPLE
I don't know? Right, let me check if this is the right building.
[MAPLE GETS OUT A PIECE OF PAPER.]
JEFFERSON
The right building?! Maple, we've just walked up 58 flights of stairs and you've decided now to check if it's the right building or not?! Man!
MAPLE
Calm down. Yep, 35 Tierney Street.
JEFFERSON
It must have been prank callers!! Damn! Come on, let's sit down for awhile.
[THEY SIT DOWN AND RELAX. AN AEROPLANE FLIES BY IN THE SKY.]
JEFFERSON
That could have been us on that aeroplane up there Maple. All snuggled up in them cosy chairs, with my seatbelt on and my blanket around me coming back home to America.
MAPLE
We're doing just fine, here.
JEFFERSON
Maple can I ask you something; why do people have to wear seat belts in planes?
[AS MAPLE AND JEFFERSON ARE SITTING DOWN, BEHIND THEM A WOMAN ON ANOTHER BUILDING IN THE DISTANCE IS WALKING TO THE EDGE OF THE BUILDING.]
MAPLE
For safety.
[JEFFERSON SITS UP.]
JEFFERSON
Safety?!
MAPLE
Yeah, in case the plane crashes.
[MAPLE TURNS HIS HEAD AND NOTICES THE WOMAN ON THE EDGE OF THE BUILDING BEHIND THEM. HE DOUBLE TAKES. JEFFERSON ISN'T AWARE OF THIS.]
JEFFERSON
If a plane falls 2000ft and crashes into a field, there ain't no way some cheap ass seatbelt is going to save ya.
MAPLE
[CALMLY.] Jefferson.
JEFFERSON
What? Don't tell me 9/11 wouldn't have happened if they were wearing seatbelts!
MAPLE
Look behind you.
JEFFERSON
Look behind me?
[JEFFERSON LOOKS BEHIND HIM AND SEES THE WOMAN ON THE EDGE. MAPLE AND JEFFERSON THEN LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SCREAM. JEFFERSON TRIES TO SHOUT TO THE WOMAN.]
MAPLE
Jiminy Cricket!!
JEFFERSON
Hey! Lady on the ledge!
WOMAN
Me?
JEFFERSON
Well what other lady on ledges are there?
MAPLE
Hello! Please stay there. We're coming to help you.
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON BEGIN TO RUN TOWARDS THE ROOF DOOR.]
JEFFERSON
Yeah we be right there girl.
SCENE 15.INT. FLAT STAIRWELL. 35 TIERNEY STREET. DAY
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON ARE RUSHING DOWN THE STAIRS.]
MAPLE
I really hope she doesn't jump.
JEFFERSON
Me too, she's fine as pow! Come on, run down the stairs faster. Pretend you're Rocky in reverse!
SCENE 16. INT. FLAT LIFT. 37 TIERNEY STREET. DAY
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON ARE NOW IN THE LIFT OF THE CORRECT BUILDING. THEY ARE GOING UP TO THE ROOFTOP.]
JEFFERSON
Hurry up! Hurry up!
MAPLE
Jumping won't make it go faster, Jefferson.
JEFFERSON
Man, by the time we reach the top floor, she's bound to have jumped! Why did you have to take us to the wrong rooftop, man!?
MAPLE
I was sure that was the right one! Maybe we weren't wrong, maybe she was gonna jump off that building but realised the elevator was broke so she chose this building?
JEFFERSON
No, Mapes. Sometimes we've gotta hold our hands up and admit you made a bad decision, leading to a woman probably committing suicide.
MAPLE
Me? You were the one who said in the car, 'don't rush, she's a woman. They can't commit to anything'.
SCENE 17. EXT. FLAT ROOFTOP. 37 TIERNEY STREET. DAY
[THE LIFT DOOR OPENS. MAPLE AND JEFFERSON REACH THE ROOF OF THE BUILDING. THEY LOOK AROUND FOR THE WOMAN.]
[ON THE LEDGE IS A MELANCHOLY LOOKING WOMAN LOOKING AT THE CITY.]
MAPLE
Look there she is.
JEFFERSON
[WOLF WHISTLES] Hey baby how's it going?
WOMAN
Back off, I'll jump.
JEFFERSON
Whoa, whoa. Okay, you the boss, you the boss.
MAPLE
Listen ma'am, just calm down. We're here to help you okay. So just stay calm.
WOMAN
Sure you'll help me now but after your shift ends you're just like any other person who doesn't care.
MAPLE
That's not true ma'am, we're paid double for any overtime. So if anything, we'd be more helpful after our shift.
JEFFERSON
Well not if a game's on
MAPLE
Well yeah obviously
WOMAN
Just, leave me alone. Now!
MAPLE
Why are you doing this?
JEFFERSON
[WHISPERS] Ask her if she's single.
WOMAN
If you must know my Husband's left me.
JEFFERSON
So you are single then?
MAPLE
Well, you know my wife left me too this year. It's tough, I know. Her name was Sarah, and we'd been together a few good years.
JEFFERSON
Oh she was a bitch.
[MAPLE LOOKS DISPROVINGLY TO JEFFERSON THEN CONTINUES HIS HEARTFELT STORY.]
MAPLE
I was even beginning to think we could start a family, so to get more money I worked overtime on the force. I worked a lot of overtime, and I got involved in more cases. You train your brain to investigate a little girl's death all day, and then when the clock strikes 6pm, you're expected to turn it off, forget about it. You can't do it. [SLIGHT CHUCKLE.] My wife used to say when I got home 'you'd rather strip search a suspect, than me'.
WOMAN
Were you angry that she left you?
MAPLE
Yeah, I was angry. More so I was disappointed. Disappointed with myself because I picked the wrong person again. I dunno, you know you need that somebody don't ya. That somebody who will see you need support in something and they will sacrifice whatever they want, whatever they have to help you out, to help you go through it. There are times in everyone's lives when they need them people, and I suppose at that point of my life I didn't have one.
JEFFERSON
Hey, you better not be thinking of jumping too Mape!
MAPLE
[MAPLE REALISES HE'S BECOMING AS MELANCHOLY AS HER.]
Hey, yeah. That's the thing ma'am, you've got to remain positive. You just have to. I was initially a little depressed when my wife left me, but then I found out she was marrying a guy with his jaw wired shut! Now who's laughing? Not him...he can't laugh because of his jaw.
WOMAN
I can't be positive. I've tried and tried, but I just can't. I don't want to try anymore.
[WOMAN TAKES A STEP TOWARDS THE EDGE.]
MAPLE
Don't jump, don't jump!
JEFFERSON
Move another inch and you will be tasered.
MAPLE
Listen ma'am. You can be positive, let me help you. Okay. Right. Well just look at the positives in life...fine, okay, your Husband left you but you know, at least you haven't got AIDs or cancer or something like that?
WOMAN
But I have got cancer, that's why my Husband left me.
MAPLE
[PAUSE]
That is quite a pickle you're in.
WOMAN
I'm jumping now, so just go away!
[MAPLE DESPERATELY TURNS TO JEFFERSON.]
MAPLE
Jefferson what are we gonna do?
JEFFERSON
Look, listen this is what we do. The sergeant doesn't think we're smart enough to be cops right? Little does he know, little ol' Jefferson here got a masters degree in reverse psychology.
MAPLE
I believe in you, kid.
[MAPLE PATS HIM ON THE BACK.]
JEFFERSON
Ma'am why don't you quit whining and start falling?
MAPLE
What are you doing?!
JEFFERSON
[TURNS TO MAPLE] Reverse psychology. [TURNS TO WOMAN] Come on jump, you've got nothing to live for.
WOMAN
Well, I have my younger sisters; I do still care for them.
JEFFERSON
Naw, forget about 'em...
[MAPLE GRABS JEFFERSON.]
MAPLE
Jefferson, I really think...
JEFFERSON
Hey, I'm getting somewhere here okay...
[JEFFERSON TURNS HIS ATTENTION BACK TO THE WOMAN.]
JEFFERSON
Yep. I'm looking at your candy ass, and yeah I'd give it an 8. But you must be pushing what, 35? There ain't no way that butt is getting any higher.
MAPLE
Jefferson!
JEFFERSON
S'aaaalll downhill from now.
MAPLE
Damn it!
JEFFERSON
The cancer will kill you in a week. And at your funeral, your Husband, yeah he'll show up...with a new wife. And guess what?
MAPLE
Abort! Abort the mission!
JEFFERSON
Her ass will no doubt be a 10. So come on bitch, jump, ju....ooh!
[THE WOMAN HAS JUMPED OFF THE EDGE OF THE BUILDING. MAPLE AND JEFFERSON ARE DISTRAUGHT.]
MAPLE
Noooo!
JEFFERSON
Come back!!
MAPLE
Rape on a stick!!!
JEFFERSON
Have you realised what we've done?!
MAPLE
What we've done?! What we've done?! I haven't done anything?!
JEFFERSON
But we're a team?
MAPLE
Team?!
JEFFERSON
Oh I get it, when I score to win the NYPD Tennis doubles, then we're a team...but when I accidentally push a woman off a building, oh it's 'what team? I ain't in no team'!
MAPLE
Are you out of your mind?! A human being has been killed here!
JEFFERSON
Maybe she not dead? I mean people have survived 100 foot falls right?!
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON LOOK OVER THE EDGE OF THE ROOF.]
JEFFERSON
Yeah and look, man! She didn't land straight on the cement...I think them jagged rocks cushioned her fall!
MAPLE
Okay, okay good. Call an ambulance!
[JEFFERSON TAKES HIS PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET AND BEGINS TO DIAL FOR AN AMBULANCE.]
JEFFERSON
Hello? We need an ambulance for Tierney Street, we've accidentally told a woman to jum...
MAPLE
Don't be specific! Sssh! They'll know we're involved.
JEFFERSON
Erm...someone's got a real bad nose bleed. Really, really bad. So bad...[JEFFERSON LOOKS OVER THE EDGE]it makes you break your legs...What?...What you mean you've got no ambulances available for call out this week?..Rammed off the road? What kind of a country is this?
[JEFFERSON GETS OFF THE PHONE.]
JEFFERSON
Come on man; let's go down there before any one sees the body.
SCENE 17. INT. FLAT LIFT. 37 TIERNEY STREET. DAY
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON GOING DOWN TO THE BOTTOM FLOOR IN THE LIFT. ALSO IN THE LIFT IS A SWEET OLD LADY WHO CAN HEAR ALL OF MAPLE AND JEFFERSON'S CONVERSATION AND LOOKS PROGRESSIVELY WORRIED DURING IT.]
JEFFERSON
Let's just think. What exactly have we done wrong here? All we did was our jobs right?
MAPLE
Well, for starters you told a woman to jump off a building to her death and she did. What? Isn't that enough?
JEFFERSON
Yeah but it's not like I wanted her to jump?!
MAPLE
Oh so telling her to 'jump, bitch, jump' is not wanting her to jump. Okay. Yeah, I think the Sarge will be fine with that.
JEFFERSON
Anyway, we don't even know if she dead yet.
[TO SWEET OLD LADY]
JEFFERSON
What's your sweet old lady ass looking at?
SCENE 18. EXT. GRASSY AREA. BACK OF 37 TIERNEY STREET. DAY
[OUTSIDE, MAPLE AND JEFFERSON ARE STANDING NEXT TO AN OBVIOUSLY DEAD BODY. HER NECK IS TWISTED AND HER LEGS ARE BROKEN AND SHE'S SURROUNDED BY BLOOD.]
JEFFERSON
Maybe she could still survive?
MAPLE
Jefferson, look at her...just look at her.
[JEFFERSON POKES THE DEAD BODY WITH A STICK. HE DROPS THE STICK AND STARTS TO PANIC.]
JEFFERSON
Where should we hide the body?
MAPLE
Hide the body? This isn't an Easter Hunt Jefferson! This is a real person! We've gotta report it.
JEFFERSON
Report it? If the Sergeant finds out, he'll pin the blame on us. You know he will. This is our careers on the line here, Maple! If we can just hide the body somewhere until we can tell the Chief Inspector exactly what happened, everything will be fine!
MAPLE
You know as well as I do Jefferson, I did not tell her to jump. Now I know you didn't mean for her to jump, but you have no right dragging me down in this mess with you. I ain't your scapegoat.
JEFFERSON
Yeah, but you my friend ain't ya?
MAPLE
Yeah I'm your friend. But friends go fishing together, they go bowling, they share a few cans...they don't claim the other one helped kill a woman!
JEFFERSON
Yeah, but I thought you were more than that, man.
MAPLE
What? What did I think I was? Your guardian angel?
JEFFERSON
No, I thought you were one of those people that sacrifice whatever they want and whatever they have to help somebody out, help that somebody get through something. You said yourself that there's a time in everyone's life when they need them people and right now I do. I'm scared. I ain't used to murdering people Maple. I don't even like to do it in Grand Theft Auto. I just like doing the missions.
MAPLE
I didn't know you were listening.
JEFFERSON
I might not listen to a lot of people, Maple...but you ain't one of them.
MAPLE
Well, what the hell. You'd do the same for me.
JEFFERSON
[IN HIS HEAD.]
Yeah, right.
MAPLE
Now, let's hide this dead body!
JEFFERSON
Okay, but Mapes...the Sergeant would know everywhere to look for a dead body; in the Rivers, the woods, bushes, the police always find dead bodies! You know that as much as I do!
MAPLE
Well, we've just got to hide the body in a place the Sergeant would least expect a dead body to be!
SCENE 19. INT. KINGHAM POLICE STATION. PERSONNEL OFFICE. DAY
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON ARE IN THE POLICE STATION'S PERSONNEL OFFICE WITH THE DEAD BODY. THEY HAVE JUST CLIMBED THROUGH THE 2 STOREY WINDOW UP THE DRAINPIPE TO GET INTO THE ROOM.]
JEFFERSON
Are you sure the Sergeant won't find the body at his own police station?
MAPLE
If he's looking for a dead body the last place he's gonna look is in the personnel office! How many bodies have you heard being found dead in the personnel office?! That's right, hardly any! Now pick it up and try to find somewhere to hide it!
JEFFERSON
Hey look! One of those shredders! I've always wanted one of those.
[JEFFERSON PUTS A PEICE OF PAPER IN THE SHREDDER. IT SHREDS THE PAPER.]
JEFFERSON
How cool was that?! What else have we got that we can shred?
[WHILST MAPLE AND JEFFERSON EXCHANGE DIALOGUE, JEFFERSON SHREDS THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTS 'IMPORTANT EVIDENCE', 'REALLY IMPORTANT EVIDENCE', 'SERIOUSLY, THIS IS SOME UNBELIEVABLY IMPORTANT EVIDENCE HERE.']
MAPLE
Jefferson, we need to hide this dead body quickly. You're gonna get us caught.
JEFFERSON
Nobody gonna get caught.
SCENE 20. INT. KINGHAM POLICE STATION. STAFF ROOM. DAY
[SERGEANT BERNAND IS SHOWING THE ENTIRE POLICE FORCE THE NEW ANTI-BURGLARY DEVICE INSTALLED AT THE STATION.]
SERGEANT BERNAND
From now on all intruders will be caught. Thanks to the new anti-burglary system installed in every room in the station. The infra-red light sensors will pick up on any movement in any locked room.
PC LUCY
What about things being stolen from unlocked rooms? Because obviously it's much easier to steal something from a room which isn't locked compared to one that is.
SERGEANT BERNAND
Right. PC Lucy. You're stupendously close to be suspended. If falling off a cliff is a suspension, you're clinging on for dear life right now, young lady. You've rode past on your bike, you've hit a small rock, you've skidded off over the edge, you're holding on with one hand and my foot is hovering above your hand waiting to stomp on it.
PC LUCY
But Sarge, I just pointed out a flaw in your thing, what have I done wrong?
SERGEANT BERNAND
Well, but what you're doing is you're pointing out flaws and in a way that itself, is a flaw, so what I've done there is I've cleverly pointed out a flaw in your flaw pointing.
PC LUCY
But Sarge, it was only for the safety of the station...
SERGEANT BERNAND
PC Lucy...
[SARGEANT BERNAND HAS HIS FOOT RAISED, PRETENDING HE IS ABOUT TO STOMP ON AN IMAGINERY PC LUCY'S HAND. AS HE IS DOING THIS THE ALARM GOES OFF. THE ALARM NOISE IS INCESSANT THROUGHOUT THE SCENE, ALTHOUGH NOT TOO LOUD AS NOT TO DISTRACT THE AUDIENCES ATTENTION FROM THE ACTION.]
SERGEANT BERNAND
Bloody hell, the alarm's gone off.
[SERGEANT BERNAND LOOKS AT HIS DEVICE WHICH INDICATES THE INTRUDERS ARE IN THE PERSONNEL OFFICE.]
SERGEANT BERNAND
We've got burglars and by George, they're in the west side of the station. I want everyone to stay calm and then get your bullet proof vests on; we don't know how many guns these robbers may have! Come on everyone; follow me to the personnel office.
PHILLIP
But Dad it could be dangerous. Remember last year in the finance office, when an intruder attacked you? You got hurt.
SERGEANT BERNAND
Don't worry, son. This time it's personnel.
SCENE 20. KINGHAM POLICE STATION. PERSONNEL OFFICE
[CUTS TO THE PERSONNEL OFFICE WHERE MAPLE AND JEFFERSON ARE PANICKING.]
MAPLE
Do you reckon anyone will notice that Jefferson?
[CAMERA REVEALS THAT THE BODY IS UNDER THE RUG WITH THE ARMS AND LEGS STICKING OUT. IT'S OBVIOUSLY VISIBLE.]
JEFFERSON
I'm not sure!
[CUTS TO THE MAJORITY OF THE POLICE FORCE QUICKLY WALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR TOWARDS THE OFFICE.]
[CUTS BACK TO MAPLE AND JEFFERSON IN THE PERSONNEL OFFICE.]
MAPLE
Damn it! Well we've got to do something with the dead body.
[JEFFERSON THROWS IT THROUGH THE WINDOW.]
MAPLE
Why did you do that?!
JEFFERSON
You said we had to do something, man!
[CUTS TO OUTSIDE THE POLICE STATION. CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL IS LEANING BACK IN HIS WHEELCHAIR SUNBATHING.]
CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL
I don't know why I've never sunbathed outside the station before.
[THE SHADOW OF THE DEAD BODY IS HURTLING TOWARDS THE SUNBATHING CHIEF INSPECTOR.]
[CUTS BACK TO MAPLE AND JEFFERSON IN THE PERSONNEL OFFICE.]
MAPLE
Jefferson, in the confiscated items room!
[JUST AS MAPLE AND JEFFERSON GO INTO THE CONFISCATED ITEMS ROOM, THE MAJORITY OF THE POLICE FORCE OPEN THE PERSONNEL OFFICE LED BY SERGEANT BERNAND.]
SERGEANT BERNAND
Aha...Oh.
[ALL THEY CAN SEE IS AN EMPTY OFFICE WITH AN OPEN WINDOW.]
DOUG
Looks like nobody is responsible.
SERGEANT BERNAND
No, No they must be. I can smell thievery.
PC LUCY
A bird probably flew in from the window or something.
SERGEANT BERNAND
PC Lucy!! [AN ANGRY SERGEANT BERNAND ACTS OUT STOMPING ON THE IMAGINARY PC LUCY'S HAND.]
[OUTSIDE THE CONFISCATED ROOM, MAPLE'S 'LA BAMBA' RINGTONE CAN BE HEARD.]
SERGEANT BERNAND
Ah, yes! Brilliant. Right, ladies and gentleman. Behind this door is the person or persons behind the robbery of our station last week. Aha!
[SERGEANT BERNAND OPENS IT TO FIND MAPLE AND JEFFERSON. MAPLE ANSWERS HIS CALL.]
MAPLE
Hello. Yes, I would be interested in a new phone tariff. [TO SERGEANT] Can you hold on a second?
SERGEANT BERNAND
I knew it! I only bloody knew it! Those two poxy yanks were the thieves all along! Weren't you! Yes! I'm so excited I'm writing out your pardons right now!
PC LUCY
Look! Maple and Jefferson have caught the thieves!
[BEHIND MAPLE AND JEFFERSON IN THE CONFISCATED ITEMS OFFICE ARE THE REAL BURGLARS. MAPLE AND JEFFERSON WERE UNAWARE THE TWO BURGLARS WERE STEALING ITEMS WHEN THEY DECIDED TO HIDE IN THERE.]
JEFFERSON
Yep. Yeah. Here you go Sarge! The real burglars that me and Maple have arrested.
MAPLE
Yeah, we saw them loitering around the station, so we followed them into this room and arrested them like the mature professionals that we are.
SERGEANT BERNAND
But...but...I thought?
MAPLE
I'll be taking that.
[MAPLE TAKES THE WRITTEN PARDON FROM THE SARGEANTS HANDS PLACES IT IN THE SHREDDER.]
MAPLE
[TO JEFFERSON] Oh, you're right that does feel good.
SCENE 22. INT. MAPLE AND JEFFERSON'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON ARE WATCHING TELEVISION IN THEIR APARTMENT.]
[ON THE TV A NEWSREADER IS PRESENTING THE NEWS.]
NEWSREADER
...so Jeremy Kyle's children should recover shortly. In lighter news; could ghosts really exist? According to recovering Police Chief Inspector Revell they do...
[WHILST THE NEWSREADER IS TELLING THE STORY, THE AUDIENCE IS SHOWN MUTED FOOTAGE OF CHIEF INSPECTOR REVELL OUTSIDE THE POLICE STATION TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO AN OFFICER WHAT HAPPENED, HE THEN SEES A BOY EATING A MR. KIPLING CHERRY BAKEWELL, AND TRIES TO ATTACK THE BOY, BUT THE MOMENT HE LUNGES FOR HIM HE FALLS FLAT ON THE FLOOR, AS HE MOMENTARILY FORGETS HE'S IN A WHEELCHAIR.]
NEWSREADER
...The Chief Inspector was sunbathing today when a shadowy ghost-like figure hurled itself at him from above, amputating his one remaining leg. Whatever struck him was never found leading Mr. Revell to believe it was the ghost of bakery icon, Mr. Kipling.
[BACK TO THEIR FLAT.]
MAPLE
I do feel a bit bad about picking up the body and just running away like that.
JEFFERSON
Yeah but what else could we do? Look, things are different for us now. We're now in Britain, we're now Policemen and we're getting a little bit of luck. For once in our life, we're not always the scapegoats, we're not always the losers and we're not always the...
[JEFFERSON'S ATTENTION TURNS TO THE TV.]
[ON THE TV]
NEWSREADER
A reminder of our main story tonight. A terrorist attack was foiled today after it was revealed that Al Qeada had been working undercover for the NHS. Posing as paramedics in ambulances, the terrorists were planning to blow up several hospitals around the London area until Officer Phillip Bernand uncovered the plot single-handedly earlier this afternoon and has since won a medal for his investigative intuition.
[BACK TO THEIR FLAT.]
MAPLE
But that was us! We did that! Where's our medals!?
[ON THE TV]
NEWSREADER
The heroics of Phillip have even touched the hearts of Hollywood, with Director Steven Spielberg expressing his admiration for the British officer.
[CUTS TO AN EARLIER INTERVIEW WITH STEVEN SPIELBERG.]
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Phillip Bernand is like this guy who never got a break, yet still gets up every day and does the right thing. His story is amazing, we're gonna make a movie about it. It'll make E.T look like crap. Phillip represents what the United States of America stands for, and is like...an ambassador for us Americans.
JEFFERSON
We're the ambassadors! We represent America!
REPORTER
However, the ever so modest Philip didn't keep all the praise for himself.
MAPLE
Oh finally we get a mention!
OFFICER PHILLIP
I can't take all the glory. The real brains was my Dad, Sergeant Bernand!
[MAPLE AND JEFFERSON LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN SHOCK]
REPORTER
Even more amazing, is that Phillip also found out who the 3 ringleaders of the NHS operation were. Local Ice cream man Mr. Whip, a badger and a cup of coffee were all convicted of international terrorism later on during the day.
[DURING THE NEWSREADER'S DIALOGUE WE SEE THE ICE CREAM MAN, THE BADGER AND THE CUP OF COFFEE BEING HANDCUFFED AND TAKEN INTO THE POLICE STATION.]
OFFICER PHILLIP
I also have to mention PC's Maple and Jefferson, if they hadn't got involved, this case would have been solved much, much sooner.
JEFFERSON
Looks like things in Britain aren't so different from back home after all.
[THE CHORUS OF JOURNEY'S 'DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'' PLAYS AS THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO REVEAL MAPLE AND JEFFERSON HAVE PLACED THE DEAD BODY ON THE SOFA NEXT TO THEM, FILLIN THE PLACE ORIGINALLY FILLED BY THEIR OLD FLAT MATE EARL. MAPLE CAN BE SEEN GIVING THE DEAD BODY SOME BEER DOWN IN ITS MOUTH.]
[END]