EXT. BEACH SCENE
(Three sunbeds are on the beach, lying on the first two are DAVID CAMERON and GEORGE OSBOURNE, they are each wearing just a pair of Bermuda-shorts and sipping brightly coloured cocktails. The third sunbed is empty. GEORGE'S phone begins to ring, he picks up the phone.)
GEORGE: [into phone]
Hello...
I see...
So things are under control then....
Ok, great let me know if there are any developments.
(GEORGE hangs up)
GEORGE:
There's been a stock market crash.
DAVID:
Ah, was that the treasury?
GEORGE:
No, my stockbroker, he managed to put all my assets into gold before I lost any money and I've made a fortune, so everything is peachy.
DAVID:
Marvelous. Next round is on you then.
(They raise their glasses and chink them together. They drink the last bit of the cocktails)
DAVID & GEORGE:
Cheers!
(BORIS JOHNSON arrives carrying a tray of drinks, there are three more brightly coloured cocktails with umbrellas and glacé cherries and straws, there is also a very plain glass of orange squash on the tray.)
BORIS:
Rightio chaps, three champagne cocktails and a glass of squash for junior. Where is junior?
(BORIS hands a cocktail each to GEORGE & DAVID, and takes his place on the third sunbed.)
GEORGE:
He's over there building a sand-castle.
DAVID: (Shouting)
Cleggy, come over here, uncle Boris has bought you an orange squash.
(NICK CLEGG arrives carrying a bucket and spade)
NICK:
Awww but I don't like orange squash.
DAVID:
Nick, you do like orange squash, you love it.
NICK:
Yes David, I do love orange squash.
(NICK accepts the orange squash from BORIS and starts drinking it.)
DAVID:
What do you say?
NICK:
Oh, thank you uncle Boris.
BORIS:
You're welcome boy.
(BORIS ruffles NICK'S hair)
BORIS:
How about we all go for a game of Wiff-Waff later, we can play doubles.
NICK:
Oh yes please, I love Wiff-Waff, can we go play Wiff-Waff David? Can we? Please? Pleeeaase?
DAVID:
No Nick, you don't like Wiff-Waff, you think it's a silly game.
NICK:
Ah yes, I don't like Wiff-Waff, I think it's a silly game.
DAVID;
Now make yourself useful and rub some suntan oil into my back.
(DAVID turns over and NICK grabs a bottle of suntan oil and starts rubbing into DAVID'S back. DAVID'S phone rings)
DAVID:
(Sigh) Who is this now?
(He answers his phone)
DAVID: [into phone]
Hello...
Oh Hi Theresa...
What, Hang on.
DAVID:[to GEORGE & BORIS]
Neither of you own any property in Tottenham do you?
(BORIS & GEORGE both shake their heads)
DAVID: [into phone]
No we're fine, we'll stay put thanks.
[Fade out/Fade in]
(NICK is now rubbing oil into GEORGE'S back. DAVID'S phone rings again)
DAVID:
Oh can't I get a minutes peace?!
(He answers his phone)
DAVID:
Hello...
Oh, hello again Theresa...
Lewisham hmm...
Peckham right...
Croydon Okay...
Clapham I see...
Look it's not as if I'm likely to know any of the sort of people who live in those places...
Ah Ealing you say, now I did once have a servant from there I think, but I'm still not interested, can I please just enjoy my holiday in peace.
(DAVID hangs up)
GEORGE:
What's up.
DAVID:
Rioting in London.
BORIS:
Eh What? London you say, isn't one of us the mayor of that place?
DAVID:
Yes Boris, you are.
BORIS:
Ah right, I knew it was one of us.
(BORIS'S phone begins to ring, he answers it)
BORIS:[into phone]
What Ho!...
Blimey....
Are you sure...
Blimey....
Gosh....
Yes of course we will all be back on the next available flight.
DAVID:
What's hasppened? Has it escalated?
BORIS:
No, there's going to be a women's beach volleyball match on Horseguards Parade tomorrow morning.
(BORIS, GEORGE & DAVID all raise their glasses)
BORIS, GEORGE & DAVID: [together]
Hoorah!
[END]
