Stand up

I fancy doing a spot at a local stand up night and would like to test some new material with you goog people; here it goes:

(Somebody shouts "your shit")

Really....(muses over this) is that good or bad? I mean it sounds bad obviously but be truthful, a shit isn't always bad, in fact sometimes its great. Whose ever been stuck on a bus or somewhere and been bursting for the loo, you know, when you've been really desperate and the turtle head is practicing its bungee jump? Your desperate and when you final release the beast its f**king great, its brillant, it feels great! a great shit so thanks.

Its funny that came up cos I remember as a kid at school a mate saying how he worried about enjoying having a poo too much, he worried if he was gay. It sounds silly now but you worried about stuff like that at school, of course its all down to misinformation, filling in the blanks with wrong answers. When we were kids if we didn't like someone we'd call'em a bummer, terribly homophonic now but kids aren't PC and we were kids and that what we'd say. One day we were in gym and the PE teacher put us into groups of three and he had two of us put our backsides against each other while the third jumped over, we were aghasted, were we bummers? You see misinformation. Cos I don't know about you but I was scared shitless of Father Christmas, was it just me or the thought of a big fat man in a gown climbing into your room in the middle of the night not right? He spends all year with little people watching children and saying if they were'naughty' or if he thought they were 'nice'!

(wait for a response, if its laughter, wait for it to die down and continue)

(Will continue this later but interested in feedback with what I have so far)

well for one you hope u dont get heckled and if you do... it might not be your shit and you really should try to ignore hecklers and responces to hecklers are ment to be kept short as to piss the heckler off but also shut them up.

And I didn't like the routine very much... it just seems a bit "dont you hate it when" but keep re-writing you'll end up seeing funny stuff you didn't see first time round.

PS (last line about santa wasn't too bad)

I agree about the length of the heckler put down. I quite liked the poo thing but why ot call it shit instead of poo? it'll flow nicer in dialogue. Uhh yeah pretty good, nothing really stuck or caused laugh out loud moments but it's delivery isnt it. Whats your stand up style?

I liked it Scott but i wouldn't bank on someone saying 'you're shit.'

A line you could add to the santa bit is something like this 'I was always told not to take sweets from strangers so why is it ok to accept gifts from a middle aged man who breaks into your room?'

I thought of the ultimate heckle put down the other day. Some one heckles then you stop for a minute look at the heckler and shout 'the messiah has spoken.' Then about 20 people run on stage and bow down towards the heckler. Then you say 'speak to us messiah, share your wisdom.' A Life of Brian put down would be genius. When I get a show at the Fringe i'm going to do that.

Well what I wrote above was like most stuff I put on here, just what I think up as Im writing it, except the Santa stuff, been making quips about him for years.

Sometimes things seem funny when you think'em up but when you come back and re read it a day later with a more somber perception its not as funny as you thought