British Comedy Guide

#Hackgate: Murdoch's Paranoia

1.INT. COURT - DAY

Rupert Murdoch sits, with James Murdoch, Wendi Deng and his lawyer by his side, facing the Judge. The court is deathly silent as Justice Sarah Hever-Mattinson addresses Rupert Murdoch who cups his ears to hear the judgement.

HEVER-MATTINSON
...and given that some of those who had their phones hacked only came to your attention through personal tragedy, it is a damning indictment, not only of those who carried out the hacking on behalf of your now defunct newspaper, but of you who had the ultimate veto, as head of News International, to prevent this practice ever taking place. And as evidence clearly shows you had knowledge of a large number of these instances of phone hacking but did not use your powers of veto, I think it is in the public's interest to make an example of you and impose a custodial sentence to clearly show that regardless of position and wealth no one is above the law. I recommend a minimum sentence of 3 months be served (She hurriedly gathers her papers as Murdoch's entourage look on angrily)...and an appeal date will be determined whilst Mr Murdoch is in custody. Court is adjourned.

The court erupts in to cheers and general noise as people get up to leave.

RUPERT MURDOCH
(TO JAMES MURDOCH) What did she say? I didn't hear any of that.

Wendi Deng hurdles the desk and takes a leap at Hever-Mattinson but is held back by court security, she still tries to grab at the judge's hair. Amidst the hubbub, bailiffs help Rupert Murdoch rise from his chair and lead him out of court. James Murdoch grabs Rupert by the shoulder.

JAMES MURDOCH
Don't worry, sir, I'll get you out as soon as I can.

RUPERT MURDOCH
(TO BAILIFF) Can I go to the toilet before we leave?

2.EXT. FRONT OF COURT - DAY

James Murdoch stands in front of an epileptics nightmare of flash photography and reporters shoving microphones in his face.

JAMES
At this current point all we can say is how disappointed we are by the judgement but we are confident the decision will be overturned on appeal.

James walks away as reporters try to ask further question, at that point a biplane flies overhead trailing a banner which reads 'MIND WHAT YOU SAY DURING YOUR ONE PHONE CALL RUPERT'. The large crowd laughs and cheers the plane.

3.EXT. REAR OF COURT - DAY

Rupert is led out of a door flanked by two burly guards. A cacophony of boos ring out and suddenly an egg is thrown, landing squarely on Rupert's head.

GUARD
A couple more and you'll have an omelette!

The other guard laughs as Murdoch looks up grumpily with yolk trickling down his face.

4.INT. PRISON - DAY

Rupert is led down a wide corridor with cells on his right by Mary (warden, stocky, 50-something). A number of inmates are stood up against their doors looking intimidating. Jimmy (short, skinny, shaven-headed, 30-something) shouts out.
JIMMY
Alright, Grandad! Looking for your coffin?

The other prisoners laugh exaggeratedly to humiliate him further.

MARY
Don't worry about them; their barks worst than their bite...mind you (pointing to prisoner) he did bite someone's ear off last week.

5.INT. CELL - DAY

Mary stops outside an open cell. Rupert stares in with trademark hangdog expression.
MARY
Right. This is you. It's all self-explanatory really; (points to bed) that's where you sleep...(points to toilet) that's where you piss, shit, vomit, whatever and (points to window) that's where you stare out wishing you hadn't committed a crime.

Rupert goes in and eases his creaking body on to the edge of the bed.

MARY
Now if you want anything...don't ask, because this isn't a hotel.

Mary leaves and shuts the door behind her. Rupert slowly rises and makes his way to the toilet. The camera pans around, with the sound of Rupert's stop-start urination in the background as he struggles with his prostate, taking in the whole cell; we see the Daily Mirror on the bed with the headline 'MURDOCH IN DOCK SHOCK'.

6.INT. MESS HALL - DAY

Rupert, cutting a sorry figure in his prison uniform, is carrying a tray of food and trying to find somewhere to sit. Jimmy shouts across the hall.

JIMMY
Oi! Don't be shy come'n sit with us!

Rupert sighs and makes his way over. He sits between the grinning crew.

JIMMY
Is it true you're that bloke?

RUPERT
With the phone business...

JIMMY
Nah, Dave said you 'ad summint to do with the Sun.

RUPERT
Oh...Yes, I set up the Sun newspaper.

JIMMY
(SHOUTS TO DAVE AT ANOTHER TABLE) Yeah, Dave! He's the one who did the first page threes!

DAVE
(TO RUPERT) You f**king legend!

JIMMY
I can't believe you put tits in the paper. You dirty old bastard...You need a nickname; everyone's got a nickname in 'ere. (He looks at his crew, thinking) I know! Tits! We'll call you Tits!

Jimmy's mates laugh with approval and a chorus of 'tits' suddenly erupts. Rupert can't help but let a small, perversely proud smile appear on his face.

7.VISITORS ROOM - DAY

Rupert sits behind a pane of glass waiting impatiently; a guard watches over him. Suddenly Rebekah Brooks bursts in looking furious.
BROOKS
What the f**k, Rupert? You were tapping my phone too!

RUPERT
Come on, Becky...

BROOKS
Don't call me Becky. When were you hacking my phone?

RUPERT
Come on at least sit down.

BROOKS
No, I'm not staying. I just want a straight answer.

RUPERT
(TO THE GUARD) Could we have a bit of privacy here?

GUARD
No. You'll see what it's like to have people listening in on your conversations now.

BROOKS
(POINTEDLY) When was it, Rupert?

RUPERT
(SIGHS) It was around the time you were dating that Grant Mitchell guy.

BROOKS
Ross Kemp! His name was Ross Kemp! Grant Mitchell was just a character he played! F**king hell, Rupert! You said I was like a daughter to you...would you tap your daughter's phone?

Rupert looks at her with a cheeky, knowing grin, suggesting he would. Brooks shakes her head and just storms out of the room. Rupert, pissed off, wipes his face.

GUARD
(TO RUPERT) So what's he like, Grant Mitchell?

8.INT. VISITORS ROOM - DAY

Wendi Deng is sat looking furious, fidgeting; barely managing to control her rage. Rupert appears through the door. Wendi shoots out of her chair and gets as close to the glass as she can.

WENDI
You slimy bastard. You were hacking my phone, all that time!

RUPERT
Calm down, Wendi.

WENDI
Don't you tell me to calm down!
RUPERT
I was only doing it to keep track of you.

WENDI
Keep track of me?!

RUPERT
Well, yeah. I didn't know what you were getting up to.

WENDI
I can't believe you. (She gets ready to leave) You absolute arsehole. (At the door) You'll be hearing from my lawyers.

RUPERT
But they're my bloody lawyers.

WENDI
Yeah, so you know how much money you're going to lose.
Exit Wendi. Rupert despairs. The guard barely manages to contain his Schadenfreude.
9.INT. VISITORS ROOM - DAY

Rupert is sat in front of the glass waiting again, looking royally pissed off. James Murdoch walks in holding a cardboard box.

RUPERT
Oh, James, thank god!

James without saying a word tips the contents of the box on the desk in front of the glass. 22 mobile phones crash on to the desk.

JAMES
Every one of my family's phones. I can't believe it. You were even hacking Anneka's phone...she's 8 years old, for Christ's sake!

RUPERT
I was only doing it for you, James.

JAMES
How was it for me?

RUPERT
You never know what your family's up to.

JAMES
(sarcastically) Yeah, like listening in on every one of your conversations?

James gets up to leave.

RUPERT
Don't go, James. Who's going to get me out of here?

JAMES
Why don't you make a few phone calls? But don't call me.

RUPERT
Oh James, no; you've got to help me...

James exits
GUARD
Naughty, naughty Rupert! Now you've got no friends.

RUPERT
(Under his breath) Oh, f**k off.

10.INT. CELL - NIGHT

Rupert sits on the edge of his bed cradling his head, sighing at regular points. Jimmy appears at the door.

JIMMY
What's wrong, Tits? No one's trying to rough you up are they?! Just tell me who it is and I'll f**king cut'em.

RUPERT
Oh, no. It's people on the outside.

JIMMY
Ah, don't worry about that. You'll get used to life inside soon.

RUPERT
But my time's nearly up, and my life on the outside is slipping away.

JIMMY
Well, you could stay 'ere longer. I mean, stab someone in the eye with a fork or spit on one of the guards and you'll get a bit longer for things to blow over.

Rupert looks as though he is briefly considering the idea.

RUPERT
I just wish I'd never messed with people's lives. It's come back to bloody haunt me.

Rupert looks on wistfully.

JIMMY
Cheer up, Tits!

11.INT. PRISON - DAY

Rupert's release day arrives. He is in his civvies getting ready to leave prison. He has a small bag of his belongings and is wearing his suit from the trial, it is all crumpled. He cuts a sad figure, we really see that things have taken there toll on him; he looks like a broken man. A guard shows him to a door and feels him up and down before he leaves.

12.EXT. PRISON - DAY

Rupert's PA, Rachel Haverby, is waiting for him. The guard opens the gate and lets Rupert out. Rachel hurries up to Rupert and holds him under the arm to help him along.

GUARD
Hang on, hang on. Sign this release form.

Rupert signs.

GUARD
Right that's you done. Now, no more mischief from you old-timer and don't go f**king around with innocent people's lives.

Rupert stares blankly at him. Rachel leads Rupert away by his arm.

RACHEL
Are you ok, Rupert? Did everything go ok in there?

RUPERT
Never mind all that! I want you to find everything you can about that guard...and ruin his f**king life.

The PA looks slightly taken aback. Rupert seems to have a renewed energy and shakes his arm free from Rachel, not needing her support to walk along. They walk out in to the car park; Rupert gets in to his tinted limousine and slams the door powerfully.

13.INT. LIMOUSINE -DAY

Rachel sits at Rupert's side.

RUPERT
(ON THE PHONE) Get me, Cameron. Tell him I'm back.

END OF SCRIPT

I like the idea of seeing what life would have been like for Murdoch banged up, but think you could have done it with fewer scenes. With just 3 or 4 you could have developed some of the other characters more and given the piece more depth. It would have been fun if you'd subverted expectations at the end too. Perhaps Murdoch could have grown to love prison life and not wanted to leave because it meant going back to the stress of running News International and having useless kids? The prisoners treating him as a legend for page 3 was a nice touch, though.

The whole thing was v.funny, yet rang true, like those things c4 tried to do with Prince Harry lookalikes, and Tony Blair etc, where it's comedy but played deadly straight.

Scene 7/Visiting room was standout for me.
The biplane banner was v.funny.

A nicely executed idea Corey, I particularly liked these lines:

JIMMY
What's wrong, Tits? No one's trying to rough you up are they?! Just tell me who it is and I'll f**king cut'em.

MARY
Don't worry about them; their barks worst than their bite...mind you (pointing to prisoner) he did bite someone's ear off last week.

Quote: chipolata @ August 8 2011, 3:55 PM BST

It would have been fun if you'd subverted expectations at the end too. Perhaps Murdoch could have grown to love prison life and not wanted to leave because it meant going back to the stress of running News International and having useless kids?

Originally, that was how I intended the ending but I hurried it out and couldn't think of way to do it neatly and not go over the 10 minute limit.

Thanks for all the feedback chip, Jack and Gerry; really appreciate it.

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