Test Results

INT. DOCTOR'S SURGERY

DOCTOR
The test results have come back and I am afraid it is not good news.

PATIENT
Give it to me straight doc.

DOCTOR
The results are conclusive. You are a c**t.

PATIENT
I am sorry?

DOCTOR
You are a total arsewipe.

PATIENT
Look, are you sure about this? Only I thought I was rather likeable.

DOCTOR
God no, I ruled that out on initial diagnosis. I despised you even before you sat down.

PATIENT
Oh I see. Is there nothing that can be done?

DOCTOR
We could try lethal injection.

PATIENT
I would rather not.

DOCTOR
Oh go on. Just a little one.

PATIENT
Look assuming I don't have the lethal injection, what is the prognosis?

DOCTOR
You go on being a c**t.

PATIENT
But surely I can improve, become a better person?

DOCTOR
Become a bigger c**t more like. I am sorry lethal injection is the only clinically proven treatment for c**tishness.

PATIENT
What about alternative therapies?

DOCTOR
You mean like bludgeoning or stabbing? I would not recommend them. In blind trails lethal injection has been found to be much more effective.

PATIENT
Do the BMA even allow you to lethally inject patients?

DOCTOR
No, but in your case I am sure they would not object. You really are such a complete out-and-out c**t.

PATIENT
I really need to think about this. I can't believe I am that much of a c**t.

DOCTOR
There is not point being in denial. You are unutterably loathsome and you need treatment. Now. Look I have the hypodermic all made up.

PATIENT
No, I am leaving now. Goodbye.

THE PATIENT LEAVES. THE DOCTOR SHAKES HIS HEAD.

DOCTOR
Worst case of Piers Morgan Syndrome I have ever seen.

END.

Not sure this really works. The patient would need to be more of a c**t - as it is they don't do or say anything unreasonable, and the only twatface shithead is the doctor.

Can't argue with the sentiment though.

As the scene develops and we wonder why he's so awful, could the end line be 'bye Piers' instead?

This one was scribbled at my desk (sketches I write at work always seem to have a certain tone...) The decision to make the patient calm and reasonable was deliberate so that the diagnosis of becomes more abstract and surreal, but I suppose it does have the knock on effect of making the doctor do all the work, so that the sketch more about him than the patient.

While I am fond of the Piers Morgan line, perhaps it does not really resolve the sketch.

I read this as the patient isn't actually a bad person,
and the doctor is the livewire.

I loved it actually, but I didn't like the Piers line bringing it
into our reality. I honestly can't think of a suggestion that would end this once the patient has left.

Although, if I saw this - and it did end with the patient just excusing himself and leaving - I would still find it really funny.

Even though the doctor's motives would be left unresolved - and it breaks the rules of 'punchline' - I personally like sketches that do this. The exchange is funny enough on it's own terms without any 'Ta-Da' style ending.

I liked the tone of this one, and enjoyed the doctor's lines....I agree the Piers Morgan ending dosen't quite work and jars with what comes before...Could the doc have been talking to himself into a dictaphone maybe? when he gets it out of his system he switches it off and calls the next patient in.

I quite liked this Timbo, but taking on board the previous comments could it be re-written so that at the end the patient reveals that the Doctor is Piers Morgan?

PATIENT: I'm not sure that you're any better suited to medicine than you were journalism Piers.

Piers/Doctor then self medicates with the loaded hyperdermic.
Sketch Ends.

I really like this, Timbo. For me it works well with the patient being very reasonable even though the doctor is saying he's a c**t. So silly and enjoyable. Like others, I don't have a need for the Piers Morgan bit
even though he is a bit of a c**t.

Hi Matt - good to see you dropping in! Your comments as always are appreciated. And thanks Scratch for the positive feedback.

I wrote and posted this one very quickly, but I am thinking perhaps there might be a decent sketch in there somewhere.

I liked it.
I was enjoying it all the way through.
But this type of sketch is a hard one to get out on.
And the Piers Morgan reference seemed to be a bit incongruous to what had come before.
Although he is a C**t there's no argument there