This, of course, could be adapted for anybody. Enjoy. It's been nice having friends here. I hope I will be welcome in the future.
DEFRA
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY
INSIDE THE CONFERENCE ROOM ARE FOUR MEMBERS OF DEFRA HAVING A BRAINSTORMING SESSION.
BOSS: Thank you all for coming. We have just received the news that we will not be culling badgers on mass.
ALL: (Disappointingly) Ohhh.
BOSS: I’ve been informed that there is not enough evidence to support a killing spree: Which presents all of us here in the Extermination Dept with a bit of a problem.
COLIN: You mean we have nothing to kill?
BOSS: Exactly. So, any suggestions?
COLIN: Hedgehogs?
BOSS: Hedgehogs?
COLIN: Yes sir.
BOSS: What disease do they spread?
COLIN: Don’t they spread Mumps to weasels?
BOSS: Hardly a risk is it? Besides, global warming is taking care of the hedgehogs.
FELICITY: Why don’t we kill all the cows in order to protect badgers?
BOSS: I can’t see the public being grateful for that when they’re tucking into roast badger on Sunday because we have killed all the cows.
BOSS: We need to target something that the public doesn’t care about. A minority would be good as there won’t be much of an outcry, apart from the odd hippy support group that never wash their hair.
FELICITY: What about comedy writers?
BOSS: Go on Fliss.
FELICITY: Well firstly, there are enough of them to satisfy our bloodlust.
BOSS: Yes.
FELICITY: But not enough to cause major concern.
BOSS: Keep going.
FELICITY: Secondly, they annoy the f**k out of most people with their constant cries of “I’ll write a sitcom about that”
BOSS: I hate their sports jacket and the stone washed jeans combo, the slightly long hair and the fact that they call themselves professionals when all they’ve had published is the star letter in Woman’s Weekly. They’re always handing you pieces of paper saying “read this and tell me what you think?”
COLIN: I know what you mean. And those bloody websites with the constant moaning about producers and no opportunities. It’s always the same, Bernard Manning this; Roy Chubby Brown ; that Bill Hicks would have been massive if he hadn’t died. Where’s the f**king shotguns I want to shoot one now?
BOSS: But we need some real justification for this?
FELICITY: Have you seen The Office?
F/X SOUND OF GUN BEING LOADED
BOSS: Ready when you are?
