British Comedy Guide

When science goes wrong

Not sure if the ending is a bit weak. I did originally have a depressed Prof Cox slowly turning into Patrick Moore, set to the lovely tones of 'Life on Mars' but I couldn't get it to work or make sense :)

1. PROF BRIAN COX IS IN HIS HOUSE READING A BOOK ABOUT SPACE WHEN THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. A WOMAN (SHARON) IS THERE WITH HER LITTLE BOY (ERIC)

SHARON:
Oh hello. It's Professor Cox isn't it?. We've just moved in next door. We're huge fans.

THE BOY LOOKS VERY EMBARRASSED BY HIS MUMS FLIRTING

PROF COX:
That's very kind of you. Glad you like my shows. And please, call me Brian.

THE BOY TUGS HIS MUMS SLEEVE

SHARON:
What? Oh yes, sorry Brian, this is my son Eric. He's mad keen on astronomy. I'm sorry to be cheeky, but he's dying to show you something.

PROF COX:
Of course. What is it Eric? A drawing of the moon? Have you made a telescope from toilet rolls?

ERIC WALKS OVER TO THE GARDEN. PROF COX FOLLOWS HIM. ERIC POINTS AT THE GRASS

ERIC:
I think I've found a wormhole.

PROF COX LAUGHS, NOT IN AN UNKIND WAY

PROF COX:
Eric, this isn't a hypothetical topological feature of spacetime. It's just a normal wormhole, made by (beat) worms.

SHARON SMILES AND WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND ERIC

PROF COX:
Don't worry. At least he's enthusiastic. Hey Eric, perhaps I can show you some planets one evening? It's supposed to be clear over the next few nights.

FADE

2. INT PROF COX'S HOUSE. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. PROF COX OPENS IT TO FIND ERIC ON HIS OWN

PROF COX:
Hello Eric. How are you?

ERIC:
I think I've found some dark matter.

ERIC HANDS PROF COX SOME TOAST. PROF COX SMELLS IT AND SMILES

PROF COX:
It's Marmite Eric, not some elusive substance that's inferred to exist from gravitational effects on visible matter. Is everything ok at home Eric?

ERIC WALKS OFF

FADE

3. INT PROF COX'S HOUSE. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AGAIN. ERIC IS STANDING NEXT TO A HUGE MAN. WE CAN ONLY SEE HIS FEET. PROF COX LOOKS UP A BIT CONFUSED.

ERIC:
Show him

THE LARGE MAN LETS OUT A LOUD BURP

PROF COX:
Eric this is just a normal, human gassy giant, not a huge, celestial body with an extremely thick atmosphere and a molten core.

FADE

4. INT PROF COX'S HOUSE. KNOCK ON HIS DOOR AGAIN. ERIC IS HOLDING A PICTURE OF CHARLTON HESTON.

PROF COX:
Well, it's not really a shooting star in the traditional sense.

ERIC:
I hate you. I'm never thinking about space again.

FADE

5. EXT PROF COX'S HOUSE. ERIC IS WALKING ALONG LOOKING MISERABLE. A MAN APPROACHES HIM AND ASKS HIM WHICH PLANET THIS IS. ERIC LOOKS UP AND SEES THE MAN HAS A BRIGHT GREEN FACE.

ERIC:
Earth.

ERIC JUST WALKS OFF LEAVING THE ALIEN SLIGHTLY SHOCKED AT HIS ABRUPTNESS. AS HE DOES SO WE SEE THE WORDS 'SCIENCE STINKS' ON THE BACK OF HIS T-SHIRT

Really liked it! Know what you mean about the ending though, could it be more dramatic? The alien offers the world something amazing and just gets a cynical, punning response?
Also, would a little boy, or a modern audience know/recognise Charlton Heston? You could perhaps have Thierry Henry or David Beckham as the 'shooting star'? But well done!

If you ever want to record this I well want to do the voice of Brian Cox. Agree about the end, v. good overall (especially burping giant).

Thanks folks. I'll have a re-think about the ending. I also take your point about Charlton Heston AJGO.

If one of my sketches ever gets made Bard you're welcome to the Brian Cox role. I fear I'm fitting more and more into a Patrick Moore role myself :)

Wicked. Will look forward to it.

I smiled, I laughed, I sat alight. Lovely stuff.

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