Skit comp 29.7 - 5.8.11

Another high-faluting wank so congratulations to STEVE SUNSHINE for another worthy victory. Get rat-flapped and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

3 - 10 - Steve Sunshine
1 - 5 - AngieBaby, Gerry McDonnell, Nigel Kelly, RedZed333
Honourable mention: Ishy

Your new subject: DEATH
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to steal my dinner money.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 5.8.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

203!!! - Mr Sunshine
186 - Kasm
169 - Otterfox
148 - Michael Monkhouse
143 - Cool Mikado
138 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
105 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance, Angiebaby
98 - Fred Peters
83 - Ishy
82 - Gerry McDonnell
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
30 - Stephen Goodlad
28 - Leevil
27 - Bushbaby
26 - David Chapman
25 - Teddy Paddalack, Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Nil Putters, Mikey J
20 - Shandonbelle, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - 404 Not Found, Ellie
16 - Reg N, Eggie
15 - Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Stephen Birch
13 - Badge
12 - Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - RedZed333, Tuumble, Shirl the Whirl, Steven
10 - Sean Night, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Jack Daniels, Flavian, Sean, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Lady Laughter, Scar Bum, veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

INT. DAY - Village shop

(An old lady [MABEL] is behind the counter, she is weighing out bon-bon sweets into paper bags with her grubby claw-like hands. She has a pair of glasses dangling on a chain round her neck. A bell tinkles and the door opens. [GRIM REAPER] walks into the shop and stands there silent and motionless. [MABEL] briefly looks up, squinting.)

MABEL:
No hoodies allowed, take your hood down or get out!

(MABEL returns to the task of weighing out bags of bon-bons. The GRIM REAPER stands there motionless and says nothing. MABEL looks up again and this time the GRIM REAPER extends his arm and beckons MABEL towards him)

MABEL: (still squinting)
Oooh! How dare you give me the finger, you little hooligan, Is that Jimmy Walters boy? Just you wait until I tell your dad.

(MABEL now reaches for the glasses on the chain round her neck and puts them on. She looks up again at GRIM REAPER and stumbles backwards a step as she realises that its the grim reaper)

MABEL:
No, no, no I'm not ready, please not me, not now.

(GRIM REAPER stands there silent and motionless)

(MABEL grabs a handful of bon-bons and throws them at the Grim Reaper, they bounce off harmlessly and roll all over the floor)

(GRIM REAPER stands there silent and motionless)

MABEL:
Well I'm not going without a fight.

(MABEL grabs a chair leg from under the counter and waves it menacingly.)

(GRIM REAPER stands there silent and motionless)

(MABEL lifts up the hinged counter top and starts walking towards the GRIM REAPER with the chair leg. MABEL steps on one of the bon-bons and falls backwards, striking her head on the counter as she falls)

(GRIM REAPER stands there silent and motionless)

(MABELS GHOST looks down at the lifeless body of MABEL who's neck is bent at an unnatural angle. MABELS GHOST sighs loudly and looks up at GRIM REAPER.)

(GRIM REAPER stands there silent and motionless)

(MABELS GHOST takes the hand of GRIM REAPER and they walk out of the shop hand-in-hand. GRIM REAPER pops a bon-bon into his mouth with his free hand as they leave.)

APEY WINEHOUSE

CHURCH.

VICAR We are gathered here today to commemorate the death of... The death of...

MEMBER OF CONGREGATION Amy Winehouse!

VICAR Oh really? I'm a vicar... Sorry. We were shocked by her death, it seemed she had a long and healthy life before her. Police reports suspect drug abuse, that's how astute and ingenious the police are. We now stand - no that's taking the piss - let's splay ourselves across the floor like pissed-up baboons and try to remember the f**king words of the Lord's Prayer...

Ah, minger, who farts in heaven,
callow was thy fame;
Tit over bum;
Face-down in dung,
Your worth was killed by your demons.
Slopped-up, piss-faced, away, wasted.
We forgave you your tabloid press,
as you forgave them by smacking their face up.
Your weed was not only temptation;
it delivered you to evil.
But Winehouse the kingdom,
the power, and the glory,
That's how to remember
Amy.

DAY. STREET SCENE. BLOKE 1 IN THE MIDST OF CROWD + TWO BYSTANDERS ARE MAKING OBSERVATIONS TO ONE ANOTHER.

BLOKE 1: Who'll make me an offer for this wonderous beast?

CROWDIE 1: A cheese sandwich?

BYSTANDER 1: I'd say it's worth more.

BYSTANDER 2: Me too.

BLOKE 1: A cheese sandwich for this winner of twenty flat races! You'll hafta do
better'n that. Come on you morbid mops, let's hava serious punt. Come on, give
this animal the respect it deserves.

CROWDIE 2: A cheese AND tomato sarny an' half a packet of crisps?

BYSTANDER 2: Nah, worth more an' that.

BYSTANDER 1: Dunno. Maybe the crisps is Walkers or Pringles.

BYSTANDER 2: Good point.

A NEWY APPROACHES THE CROWD AND ASKS THE BYSTANDERS: What's he floggin'?

BYSTANDERS 1 & 2: A dead horse.

FADE IN -
TITLE CARD: "...... Snow White And The Seven Deadly Sins ......"

EXT. DEEPEST DARKEST WOODS - DUSK

We meet a group of very short men settling down for the evening in a camp area. (Each man wears his name on his shirt for shorthanded convenience)

SLOTH lays down on the ground, he has a pillow tied to the back of his head and a pillow tied to his back.

A huge loop de loop straw travels from his mouth to a nearby bucket of Coca-Cola.

SLOTH
Hey guys, you know what I think about ---

Sloth falls asleep mid sentence.

GREED rushes over and swipes the straw, he begins to drink even though he already has gallons of his own drinks that compliment his thirteen course meal of fast food burgers, chinese buffet dishes and fried chicken combos.

His cheeks bulge as he consumes more than his body can digest. He pukes up into another bucket to create more room for him to fit in food. Greed eventually passes out mid drumstick -

- Gluttony rushes over and finishes off the drumstick, along with the rest of the food and drink. He drinks from the bucket of vomit.

WRATH stands tall, kicks Gluttony in the face.

WRATH
YOU'RE A F'CKING DISGRACE MY FRIEND! YOU AND
GREED! HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELVES YOU
F'CKING CRETINS!

GLUTTONY
Calm down buddy, have some egg roll.

WRATH
DON'T INTERUPT ME!

ENVY tries to mediate.

ENVY
Why doesn't anyone argue with me? I wish I could
shout like that....And I wish I could eat as much
as you lot do without tipping the scales
next day, I've tried Weightwatchers, mail order ready
meals, nothing works for me . . .

ENVY turns to PRIDE.

ENVY
Don't you wish you could be more like the others?

PRIDE
Puhlease! I'm perfectly happy with who and what
I am. I wouldn't trade places with anyone on earth.
In fact just the other day Lust came over and said
to me --

Everyone looks around, they notice their party is a man short.

PRIDE
Where's Lust?

CUT TO:
EXT. OTHER SIDE OF WOODS - SAME

Lust wanders along, thinking out loud.

LUST
What can I possibly do next? I've had sexual
encounters with inanimate objects, I've
held animal themed dungeon orgies, I've had sleepovers
that make two girls one cup look like a peck on the cheek,
I've had sex with every living organism on the earth and I've --

Suddenly a fairytale bunny hops past.

LUST
You look afraid, whats up?

BUNNY
Someone's dumped a dead body in the woods.

The Bunny hops off.

LUST
Hmmm, a dead body eh?

Lust walks further in.
He sees a Young brunette in a blue blouse and yellow dress, she lies unmoving in a glass tomb.

LUST
Ker-Ching!

And They All Lived Happily Ever After . . . . The End.

NED LIVED TO THE AGE OF 95 - HE NOW LIES IN REPOSE IN THE CHAPEL OF REST.
HIS WIFE, IRENE, 87, KNEELS AT HIS COFFIN.

IRENE
I'll miss you (SHE WIPES AWAY A TEAR) I'll have to get rid of the four poster now.

NED'S GHOST RISES UP AND PERCHES ON THE EDGE OF THE COFFIN, FACING IRENE.

NED
Ah no Irene...(HE REACHES OUT AND TOUCHES HER HAIR) I'll still be tucked in there with you, only it'll be my freezing icicle feet on yours for a change...God woman, you did have cold feet.

IRENE IS UNAWARE OF NED'S GHOST.

IRENE
Who'll keep my feet warm now Poncho? (SHE SNIFFLES INTO A HANKY)

NED
Poncho...(HE SMILES) You never did let me live that one down, did you love? Me doing a gallop astride the hoover with the knitted blanket around my shoulders, a twig from the dried flowers sticking out of my mouth, and The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly blaring out from the T.V....I never heard your key in the latch..
(HE CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF)

IRENE
Your feet were like a couple of fresh baked loafs, crusty round the edges but still all warm and doughy...I'll never be able to step inside Greggs again, too many memories, I think the number 18 bus bypasses the highstreet, or is it the number 14?..

NED
Mmmm, your fresh baked Split Tin loafs, I can smell 'em now wafting from the kitchen...'Don't come in yet' you'd say, 'that old Aga is very sensitive, one heavy footstep and it's The Last Supper unleavened bread we'll be having'
(HE SMILES TO HIMSELF)

IRENE
Greggs was my guilty secret...a dusting of self raising on the Split Tins and there was no telling the difference...you said it was chewy once but I told you it must be your new false teeth...oh Poncho...forgive me..(SHE SNIFFLES LOUDLY INTO HER HANKY)

NED
Greggs?? but the smell from the oven...

IRENE
A few squirts of 'Bakers Heaven' spray around the kitchen...you'd be drooling at the mouth. I never had the heart to come clean, you loved my Split Tins you did..I always said only the best for my Poncho.

NED
Greggs?? Well I never....I think I need a lie down.

NED'S GHOST SINKS BACK INTO HIS BODY.

END.

A bunch of vikings were partying in a longhall. The youngest ones were getting sloshed. After muttering oaths, one youth goes to a hooded man sitting alone in the corner. "Are you death? I challenge you to a fight! By Odin's big blue candle!"

The man doesn't reply. The youth grunts and returns to the others. Ten mad minutes of mead later, and the viking tries it again. He goes to a raven hopping past the door...

"Are you death? I challenge you to a fight. By Loki, or some shit!"

No response. The raven flaps off. Another hour passes. The viking wanders round on his own, his friends departed to get some more beer from Aldi, roaring.."I challenge you...by Thor, by Loki. By gum! Are you death?"

Suddenly a skeleton appears before him and scythes his head off: "No, I heard you the first time."

A MAN IS IN A GRAVEYARD,ON HIS KNEES, SOBBING BY A TOMBSTONE. A WOMAN PASSER-BY WATCHES AS HE SOBS.

MAN -
Oh God, why did you have to die? Of all the men in the world. Why did you have to die?

WOMAN -
Oh you poor man, was it your father?

MAN - (SOBBING)
No.

WOMAN -
Was it your brother?

MAN -
No.

WOMAN -
He must have been a good friend.

MAN - (SOBBING)
It was my wife's first husband!

INT. DRESSING ROOM. NIGHT

ELVIS IMPERSONATOR, NORMAN ENTWHISTLE, IS SITTING IN A DISMAL DRESSING ROOM PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES TO HIS MAKE-UP IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR.

SUDDENLY THE CLOAKED FIGURE OF DEATH BRANDISHING A SCYTHE OPENS THE DOOR

DEATH (Making a noise like a ghost)
Oooooooooooooh!

NORMAN (Looks up momentarily)
Bugger off back to your own dressing room, freak.

THE FIGURE STOPS WAVING HIS SCYTHE AROUND AND SHUFFLES DISCONSOLATELY OUT OF THE DOOR. ALMOST INSTANTLY THE DOOR IS THROWN OPEN AGAIN AND THE REAL ELVIS COMES IN.

ELVIS (Announcing himself)
Elvis has entered the building!

NORMAN ALMOST FALLS OFF HIS CHAIR

NORMAN
My God, you nearly gave me a heart attack! You're alive! I knew it all along!

ELVIS
Nearly gave you a heart attack, eh? Well, son, The King is here to tell you he's proud of your performances - and especially your ridiculously strong heart.

NORMAN BRUSHES AWAY A TEAR

NORMAN
Y... you've seen me perform?

ELVIS
Um, yes... and er, now I want you to come to the toilets with me - I've got a stack of cheeseburgers we can chomp on.

NORMAN
That's okay - I've just eaten.

ELVIS (Astonished)
Really? Before performing?

NORMAN
Yeah, but let's not talk about food - we should do this gig together.

ELVIS
Um, well... (thinking aloud) all those moist panties hurled by lady fans... a performer could easily slip on one, topple off the stage and break his neck. (To Norman) Okay - let's do it!

NORMAN
Brilliant. Hey, we should do a duet. Whatdya say we do your three favourite songs together? Oh, please, please, PLEASE! What are they - your three favourites?

ELVIS
Er... oh - let's see. Jailhouse Rock?

NORMAN (closing his eyes and nodding knowingly)
Of course - as if I needed to ask.

ELVIS
Er... Superstition.

NORMAN (With the faintest flicker of a frown that soon melts away)
Um, Suspicious Minds - mhmm, naturally.

ELVIS
That's the one - Suspicious Minds. And, erm, Twist and Shout?

NORMAN
Twist and... you didn't cover that, did you?

ELVIS
Didn't I? No, no I meant, um... Please Release me.

NORMAN
That was Engleburt Humperdinck! What the...? Who the hell are you?

ELVIS
Oooh - well. (Peels off his rubber facemask to reveal he's Ashton Kutcher) You been Punk'd m' friend.

NORMAN
I've been what'ed?

ASHTON
Not a fan? Okay, um... (Peels off the rubber face mask to reveal it's Jeremy Beadle) Norman Entwhistle, are you Game for A Laugh?

NORMAN (Jumping back)
What the f**k? Jeremy Beadle's dead!

JEREMY
Yeah - that's right, and I'm... death. (Black cloak and scythe suddenly appear on him as he throws his arms wide) Ta-daa!

NORMAN
Get out of my dressing room, I've got a show in ten minutes. I don't have time for idiots like you.

DEATH
No, listen, I am death, well - one of his little helpers, at least.

NORMAN
Santa's the one with little helpers, numb-nuts.

DEATH
Well Death took a leaf out of Santa's book and created a special Swat team of a thousand recruits like me. I used to do all the flies and spiders and whatnot - but me and the others have just been promoted. That's why I'm here - giving you a heart attack!

DEATH ENTHUSIASTICALLY HANDS NORMAN HIS CARD

NORMAN
SWAT team my arse. What's this? (Reading from the card) Death by a thousand c... why has 'cuts' got an 'n' in it?

DEATH (Snatching his card back)
Yeah, well, you know Death and his sense of humour. Anyhoo - time for you to go I'm afraid.

NORMAN
I told you to f**k off!

DEATH TURNS INTO AN ELDERLY WOMAN WHO LOOKS APOPLECTIC

ELDERLY WOMAN
Norman Entwhistle! Don't you dare talk to your mother like that!

NORMAN CLUTCHES AT HIS HEART

NORMAN
Mother - you're alive! I... (Recovering quickly) I've missed you so much!

THE ELDERLY WOMAN TRANSFORMS INTO THE MONSTER FROM ALIEN AND TOWERS OVER NORMAN SALIVATING FEROCIOUSLY

NORMAN (feigning fear)
Ooh, no. It's the alien. I'm really, really scared - not.

ALIEN
Oh for Pete's sake!

THE ALIEN MORPHS INTO A HUGE ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER WHICH SPLATS NORMAN IN HIS CHAIR. THE NEWSPAPER THEN MORPHS BACK INTO THE CLOAKED FIGURE OF DEATH WITH HIS SCYTHE

DEATH (shouting at the bloody remains of Norman)
I warned you! What did you think I frickin' meant by swat - Special Weapons And Tactics or something?

END

Moses and Levi stand at the banks of the Red Sea, tens of thousands of Jews wait patiently nearby.

                    MOSES
          We're f**ked!

                    LEVI
          I told you we should have taken
          the ferry.

The gathered mass of Jews become anxious and start murmurings.

A voice speaks from the heavens.

                    GOD (O.S)
          Fear not, Moses, the hand of the
          Lord shalt save thee.

The winds blow, sea broils, a parting of the waves forms.

                    GOD (O.S)
          Go in safety, Moses, take my
          faithful followers and leave this
          land of heresy forever.

Moses turns to Levi.

                    MOSES
          What do you reckon?

Levi shrugs his shoulders.

Moses turns to the sea of expectant faces and points to the sea.

                    MOSES
          This is a sign from God above, it
          is a reward for all your faith to 
          him, come let's flee.

The thronged masses make their way across the sea. Halfway across the parted walls of sea crash down, Moses and the Jews are all drowned.

                    GOD (O.S)
          F**k it!

                    ARCHANGEL GABRIEL (O.S.)
          Not again.

                    GOD (O.S)
          I must be doing something wrong.

In the distance a huge Egyptian army approaches.

                    ARCHANGEL GABRIEL (O.S.)
          Look, here come another lot, try it
          out on them.

EXT: CAR BOOT SALE

DANNY:How much for the used airbag mate?

MIKEY:Ayrton Senna.

DANNY:This belonged to the real Ayrton Senna?

MIKEY:Have a word mate, you're at a car boot sale in Dagenham. It's a tenner.

DANNY:Right. So how much for this steering wheel?

MIKEY:A pony.

DANNY:But these teeth marks look human...

MIKEY: I'll knock a Lady Godiva off that.

DANNY:'Lady Godiva'... a Fiver! I get it now.

MIKEY:Fantastic! Can I interest you in some broken glass for a Monkey?

DANNY:Monkey, Funky, Drunky...

MIKEY:...500 quid

DANNY:I'm not paying 500 pound for that, It's covered in blood!

DANNY:It's a plasma screen!

1. EXT HOUSE. TWO BIN MEN ARE LOOKING AT A SCENE SHAKING THEIR HEADS.

BIN MAN:
What's the point of the council spending all that money on different bins if people are too bloody lazy to use them properly.

WE SEE A GREEN BIN WITH SOMEONES LEGS STICKING OUT OF IT AND A COFFIN NEXT TO IT WITH THE LID AJAR, FULL OF NEWSPAPERS

Liked Shirl's, Ishy's and Angie's but going for Redz.

Bon Bons and Grim Reaper tickled my funnybone - 404

I thought Zeds and 404s were perfectly written sketches,
but going with surreality and voting for Kasm.