Hi guys,
I have written a script called the Rules of Life and am just posting a scene to see what you think of it. Wondered where it could be improved, which bits you like, which bits you don't?
To give you some feedback the script is based around a guy called Stan who analyses social situations and gets worked up internally - so much so that he is rude, angry, depressed even but externally he comes across as nice, kind and engaging - the humour comes from the antithesis of his inward and outward persona.
The scene is a scene called 'Lift Etiquette'.
Thanks for any feedback -
STAN (V/O)
I hate lifts. I don't like the feeling of being trapped, I don't like the fact they stop at every floor but what I really don't like is when there are people in them, people who do not understand basic lift etiquette.
(BEAT)
Lift etiquette should be taught at school.
CUT TO - CLASSROOM - DAY
Professor is pointing at the rules of lift etiquette on the blackboard.
STAN (V/O)
It is a fundamental of life. We should know what we can and what we cannot do. Yet so many people don't follow the rules. I am tempted to create a set of rules and pin them up in my lifts at work but I fear people may look at me strangely.
CUT BACK TO - OFFICE LIFT
STAN enters lift. His face is visibly smug.
STAN strolls in to the left and looks at himself in the lift mirror and begins squeezing a spot.
STAN (V/O)
If I enter a lift I try to enter the lift that is free. I don't even mind waiting 20 seconds for lift number two to come down its cold shaft to pick me up.
STAN casually presses number 5 on the panel and leans on the little rail that runs round the interior of the lift.
STAN (V/O)
I am boss of this lift; I will go up to level 5 in absolute comfort. Free from distraction.
The lift doors close.
The lift doors immediately open.
A disheveled man comes in with his umbrella fully open. A Rastafarian strolls in at snails pace listening to his reggae music
STAN (V/O)
He knows, I know, we can all hear this crap music. This can't be happening. What about the serenity of the lift. What about the dream journey to the 5th?
Another two people enter. Both elderly women having a good chat
STAN (V/O)
No, no, no - not Sue. I have to hide, I cannot talk to Sue. Pointless chat. I don't care about Sue. Hopefully Sue will not see me. How can I hide? I am in a three foot square lift. I have to try to manoeuvre myself behind dreads.
STAN attempts to manoeuvre behind dreads with the look of sheer horror.
A man enters with a bike.
STAN (V/O)
You have to be kidding. We can't get a bike in here. We already have Dreads, umbrella man, Pam and Sue, me and now this guy and his bike.
STAN frantically presses the close button on the lift. The doors are part closed when a very large man called Barry enters with his Starbucks.
STAN (V/O)
Not Barry. Barry needs a wash. Barry needs to diet. Barry needs to brush his teeth.
The doors close.
STAN (V/O)
I wanted to hide from Sue - no chance, instead I am smack in her grill - I am almost kissing Sue from the 6th.
SUE
Hi Stan.
STAN (V/O)
Oh God Sue don't speak. I don't like you Sue. I have never liked you Sue.
STAN
Hi Sue, keeping well?
SUE
Mustn't complain, how is life down on the 5th?
STAN (V/O)
Sue it is one floor difference. What do you think we have down here - a giant trampoline and gallons of 7UP?
(BEAT)
The only difference between floors 5 and 6 is a number.
STAN
Yes not bad Sue...very busy at the moment, you know how it is.
STAN (V/O)
I have no idea how it is.
'DING' the man with the umbrella gets off at floor one.
STAN (V/O)
FLOOR ONE! Walk you lazy sod. It is literally 10 steps to the first floor.
The man with the umbrella closes his umbrella as he walks off thereby drenching everyone in the lift.
CLOSE UP - WATER DRIPPING DOWN STAN'S FACE.
STAN (V/O)
I hate that guy.
Barry knows the guy with the bike and begins the most inappropriate lift conversation imaginable.
BARRY
I tell you what Si, Cheryl was 'alf' looking fine the other day. Did you see what she WASN'T wearing?
BARRY nudges Si in the arm nodding approvingly.
STAN (V/O)
Barry is dead pleased with himself for that little gag.
Si provides the customary fake laugh like the good sport that he is. Sue is raging. Absolutely raging.
SUE
Yeah I am really busy too...what do you make of the restructure?
STAN (V/O)
Sue I don't care about the restructure - the sooner I am out of this company the better.
STAN
It's shocking isn't it. So many innocent people, all those families affected. All because of those fat cat bankers.
STAN (V/O)
I love those bankers, I wish I was one.
SUE
So true Stan, so true.
BARRY
Cheryl was looking fine. Don't mind telling you me and Scallers had a good old perv.
STAN (V/O)
Barry no. No Barry, no. Sue, keep it together.
(BEAT)
Pam is desperately trying to stay away from any eye contact. Pam is your model lift customer. She is what I expect from someone in a lift.
POV of PAM as her eyes dart towards the camera then immediately away.
'DING'. We are on the third, Barry and Si (the man with the bike), leave.
STAN (V/O)
Thank God for that. Two more floors and I am home and dry.
SUE
Isn't he awful?
STAN (V/O)
I love Cheryl. Cheryl is amazing. Legs to die for. I would crawl over a dead body, Sue's dead body in fact, to have a crack at Cheryl.
CUT TO - OFFICE - DAY
CHERYL is sitting at her desk innocently typing. SUE is lying dead beside her, STAN crawls over her body, arms reaching.
STAN (Barely Whispering)
Please.
CHERYL stops typing, freezes looking forward. Pause. Then continues typing as if she thought she heard nothing.
CUT BACK TO - OFFICE LIFT - AFTERNOON.
STAN
Yes I know. Some people have no decorum.
STAN starts sniffing, a bad smell has entered.
STAN (V/O)
What's that? Ah no. Barry, Barry why?
PAM and SUE look at STAN.
STAN (V/O)
Why is Pam looking at me. Pam! She smells it too. That's the only reason she looks. Ice cold Pam. Barry has dropped one and it is horrendous. Of course I am getting the blame for it from Sue and icy Pam. It isn't Dreads - he is just not the type. I am taking the rap for Barry's gruff. What do I say now? I can't breathe. Barry what did you eat this morning?
DREADS stops his music. DREADS smells it too.
DREADS
Hey man, what the hell is that?
STAN looks at PAM.
STAN (V/O)
Pam Don't look at me!
(BEAT)
She thinks I was blaming the 'blowoff' on her. I need to say something; I need to clear my name. I know it was Barry. You just have to look at Barry to know it was him.
'DING' Floor 5
STAN makes his exit.
DREADS
That's right man, you drop one then you leave. No respect.
SUE
Goodbye STAN.
SUE slightly tilting her hand, a pathetic farewell wave.
STAN
But Sue, Sue.
The lift doors close.
CUT TO - OFFICE - DAY
STAN walking through corridors towards his desk. In the distance JOHN is hugging someone from the office.
STAN (V/O)
I can't believe it. This will be all over the 6th in minutes. Sue is a serial gossip. Barry why?! I am now going to have to email Sue to tell her that it was not me. Email subject title 'The fart'. Content of the mail 'It was not me Sue. Regards STAN'. I will mark it with high importance.
CUT TO - OFFICE - SCREEN
CLOSE UP email 'The Fart', PAN down to reveal body of the email.
CLOSE UP as STAN clicks the red explanation mark for 'importance'.
CUT BACK TO - OFFICE - DESK
STAN on his chair, his arms in a sit up pose resting behind his head. He's swivelling aimlessly on his chair.
STAN (V/O)
Ah what's the use? Sue has told the world by now. What a horror of a lift journey that was. I have no alternative but to avoid the lift for at least the next month. I am going to kill Barry.
PAUL comes in FOCUS.
PAUL
You alright mate? You look ill? You attempt to walk it after all?
STAN tapping his round gut.
STAN
Just come over a bit funny. Must have been the lunch.
STAN is refreshing his email. He then types another email to Emma
CONTENT:
"Did you get my mail this morning? Miss you"
STAN types three kisses, deletes one, re adds then sends email.
STAN then stands and departs towards the toilet.
FOCUS on PAUL at his screen.
PAUL
Got a strange email from Sue on the 6th ere mate...
PAUL pivots on his chair towards STAN but he's gone.
FADE TO BLACK.
