This is a comedy play that I wrote a while back. It is long and many may find it boring, to these I say that you don't have to read it.
I have had it up before but now I have followed various posters advice and tightened it to the best of my ability.
I will accept any points positive or negative if the content shows the poster actually read it and is not just venting their spleen having scrolled down to the reply.
At your services
A Play for Radio
ATMOS Interior of Moving Car 4.25am
F/X Engaged Telephone
Chris:
It's still engaged
Eric:
He's probably booking someone else.
Chris:
Why do you immediately have to see the dark side to everything?
Eric:
It's not the dark side it's the logical move, you cancelled so now he's on the phone trying to find someone else.
Chris:
I never cancelled, I pretended to cancel, there's a difference.
Eric:
I'm sure there is.
Chris:
What was I supposed to do? Anyway he might have just gone back to sleep.
Eric:
The man's a neurotic! He rings you at four o'clock in the morning to double check that you're on your way to construct a kitchen that he needs to feed three hundred clients at an event he has spent the last six months of his life arranging and which will probably make him bankrupt if it fails, then you cancel on him at the last possible minute and you seriously think he has gone back to sleep!
Chris:
What else could I do?
Eric:
I told you, you should have drove on!
Chris:
I just thought it was the right thing to do. They have it tough over there you know!
Eric:
How many times do I have to tell you he wasn't a solider!
Chris:
It was raining and I thought why not? I use to hitch hike all over the place myself, I know what it's like when everyone passes you by.
Eric:
Well we know why everyone else passed him by don't we!
Chris:
It was an easy mistake to make, he had a uniform.
Eric:
He had a camouflage jacket on! That's not a uniform that's a clue! All the nutters wear them, Rambo Taxi Driver, The Black Panther. I don't think I've even seen an edition of Crimewatch that didn't feature one!
Chris:
Well I thought he was one of ours.
Eric:
He very nearly turned out to be one of theirs!
Chris:
I can't believe that he gases Badgers for a living, is that a trade? Do you reckon it even has a name?
Eric:
I think the accepted generic term is Psycho!
Chris:
Well if you would've stayed awake we wouldn't have got in that mess!
Eric:
Oh I see so it's my fault? I take a two minute nap and the next minute I wake up next to a man in a camouflage jacket covered in what we are not very reliably informed was Badgers blood and it's my fault!
Chris:
Two minute nap! There was dribble coming out the side of your mouth! Anyway it was an easy mistake to make, with that jacket and the medal"
Eric:
That was the Iron Cross Second Class! The last one of those t they issued was from the window of a moving car in Berlin 1945.
Chris:
Well I don't know medals.
Eric:
Obviously!
Chris:
When he leaned through the seat to show us his knife, I thought that was it.
Eric:
Well we wouldn't have seen the knife if you hadn't started asking him stupid questions!
Chris:
I just wondered what happens if any of the Badgers escaped the initial gassing. I mean they are quite switched on animals you know.
Eric:
Well thanks to you, we now know how he switches them off, don't we!
Did you see the handle on that knife, he's named it Jimbo.
Chris:
When my mobile rang I just went for it and came up with that story.
Eric:
You could've told me
Chris:
Tell you what? That it was really Eddy on the phone asking were I was and that I was making a story up to get rid of a man with a giant knife called Jimbo?
Eric:
It's just a thought.
Chris:
What you didn't automatically guess?
Eric:
You could have at least winked
Chris:
We were in a car in the dead of night with a mad man leaning between us, waving the best part of a sword around and ranting that the police kidnapped his dog and you want me to start winking!
Eric:
Well at least he fell for it. That was a good shot saying that your dog had been run over.
Chris:
I had to think of something to get him out the car and you heard him say the only thing he trusted was his dog!
Eric:
From what he said that his dog did to that chiropodist I can't see the police releasing it! In fact I wouldn't be surprised if they hadn't shot the dog dead already and are just telling him it's still alive to lure him in.
Chris:
Now if anyone needs luring into a police station it's him!
Eric:
Pull into this next service station; we can have a coffee or something while you try to get in touch with Eddy
Chris:
What if he turns up? We told him we were doing a u turn at the next junction and going straight to the vets!
Eric:
Stop panicking if he comes in while we're having a coffee just say that you got another call from the vet and he's operated on your little dog and its stable but he wants the dog to stay in the clinic for a couple of days while it recovers.
Chris:
If I tell him that he'll expect another lift, he knows we're going to London!
Eric:
Ok so then you tell him that we're going to your mum's house at the next turn off to tell her personally about the dog. But were waiting until 7 o'clock so you don't have to knock her up out of bed, tell him your mum gets up at 7 on the dot every morning to feed her own dogs, he'll like that.
Chris:
I'm not pandering to him, besides this is getting too complicated and you know I'm not a good liar, plus I'm not that keen about opening up the whole 'Mother Thing' with him either! That could be a really bad move. And what if he offers to wait and come with us to tell her.
Eric:
Stop stressing, he's hardly likely to turn up anyway and if he does he won't want to wait for you to visit your fictional mother, will he? As far as he's concerned the Met have got his mutt on death row and he's the only one that can save it!
Start coming over to the inside lane the services are just up here.
F/X Car Indicator
Eric:
I couldn't believe you told him you were a magician.
Chris:
That was just to get him off that story about that limping cow that the farmer asked him to deal with.
F/X Car Indicator
Eric:
Now that was brutal, but why did you tell him that you're a magician?
Chris:
I don't know, but it certainly slowed him down. I saw him in the mirror trying to work out the pros and cons of attacking a magician.
Eric:
Yeah that could be very tricky.
Chris:
Boom boom, I never noticed you coming up with any ideas! When he got that knife out I thought you were going to faint.
F/X Car Indicator
Eric:
That was a ruse
Chris:
You don't even know what a ruse is!
Eric:
Ok so I don't react well at knife point, there's millions of us out there.
Pull in now before you get to close to that lorry or we'll miss the service station.
F/X Car Indicator
Chris:
I know how to drive.
Eric:
Pffh
ATMOS 'Haven on the Highway' Service station 4.45am.
F/X Car Indicator
Chris
Ok I'll pull over and call him again.
Eric:
Park over there.
Chris:
But there's a space here.
Eric:
That ones nearer the entrance, park up next to that big white van
Chris:
I think it's a reserved spot.
Eric:
It is! For diners.
Chris:
Are we diners?
Eric:
We're stopping for something to eat aren't we?
Chris:
I might just have a snack.
Eric
That's good enough.
F/X Car Halts, Exit Car.
ATMOS Car park Outside the Haven On the Highway 4.27am
Chris:
I'll try Eddy again.
Eric:
If you manage to get through tell him what happened.
Chris:
What did you think I was going to say?
Eric:
You sound a bit tetchy, you're probably overtired. Do you want me to drive the rest of the way, presuming the jobs still on of course?
Chris:
No its ok I'll drive, where running close as it is it.
Eric:
Just because there's a limit it doesn't mean you have to hit it, we would still get to London if I drove.
Chris:
Just not this week.
Eric:
Oh I get it, its take everything out on me time is it? Let me tell you, I've never had so much as a speeding ticket or parking ticket in my life!
My insurance company even rang me to see if I actually still have a car! You on the other hand must have had at least six points in the last two months that I know of!
Chris:
Nine actually, now if you don't mind I'm calling Eddy.
F/X Mobile Phone Buttons
Eric:
How did you get the other three Points?
Chris:
Remember that night when I came over to yours in record time with that hot lasagna and I told you that the camera on Banks road was broken.
Eric:
Yeah.
Chris:
Well it wasn't.
Eric
Is it ringing?
F/X Engaged Tone
Chris:
It's still engaged. Come on lets get something to eat, I'll try him at the table.
ATMOS 4 .40 am Interior of Haven on the Highway
F/X Canteen With Muzak
Eric:
What are you doing?
Chris:
Getting a tray
Eric:
What for?
Chris:
To put a plate on.
Eric:
What plate? You said you were having a snack!
Chris:
I changed my mind I'm having the breakfast.
ERIC:
Wooh! You don't just waltz into one of these places and slide your tray up for a full English breakfast.
Chris:
Why wouldn't I? That's the whole idea behind service stations on motorways
Eric:
The whole idea behind service stations is to rob people.
Chris:
Ok so it's bit pricier.
Eric:
"A bit pricier! Look around can you see the price list?
Chris:
Not from here I can't.
Eric:
Why do you think that is?
Chris:
I don't know, but I know there will be one on display somewhere in here because it's the law
Eric:
The law! How naïve are you?
Chris:
I'm not naïve, there has to be a price list!
Eric:
Oh there'll be one alright, but I bet it's located behind the till.
Chris:
Either way there will be one.
Eric:
Yeah but by the time you see it, it'll be too late.
Chris:
Too late for what?
Eric:
To pull out! Have you any idea of what these people are capable of charging in this type of set up!
Chris:
I haven't, but as I said I soon will.
Eric:
These people pray for punters like you.
Chris:
I'm not a punter; I'm just getting the 'Travelers Feast'.
Eric:
So you're not a punter, but you're ordering your breakfast based on that photograph!
Chris:
What's wrong with that?
Eric:
Have you any idea what the chances are that your breakfast will look even remotely like anything in that picture?
Chris:
I'll soon know if it isn't.
Eric:
How?
Chris:
Well if I don't get two sausages, two slices of bacon with an egg and some tomatoes I'll point that picture out and complain.
Eric:
Yeah and I bet that they take that serious!
Chris:
Why wouldn't they? I'm a customer and I'm sure business's like these value customers.
Eric:
We're on a motorway, these people don't listen to complaints, they know that after they have fleeced you the worst you will do is drive off in a huff.
Chris:
Do you ever see the positive side to anything?
Eric:
I'm positive that your breakfast won't look anything like that photograph, it never does.
Those sausages look like they've been pumped full of steroids, the bacons that lean I'm surprised they never kept hold of the pig and raced it, they could have made a fortune. The egg looks like it's been airbrushed and the tomato's probably wax!
Chris:
Well I'm getting it you don't have to.
Eric:
I know I don't, my limit's a cup of tea in these places.
Chris:
Why don't you at least get some toast with it?
Eric:
I won't on principle.
Chris:
When did you get principles?
Eric:
Since they started selling dry toast and then charge you extra for the butter at the till.
Chris:
What's wrong with that? They can't exactly butter them all some people might want dry toast
Eric:
Who's eating dry toast? Its only one step away from a Nil by Mouth sign, they should clearly state that the butter will be extra so you can factor it in to the cost!
Chris:
Factor it into the cost! Its toast not a corporate buy out! Everywhere we go you think that people are out to con you out of your money, you should have more faith in people, I do and you know what, it works!
Eric:
Ok then Gandhi let's just wait and see what happens at the till.
Chris:
What will happen is I will be eating the Travelers Feast and you won't!
Eric:
You could at least ask the price before you get there. Look there's a young lad behind the counter over there ask him!
Chris:
No, it's embarrassing.
Eric:
SLIGHTLY RAISED VOICE
Excuse me, excuse me.
Young Man
Brummie accent From Distance
Yoo's mean me?
Eric:
Could you tell me how much the 'Travelers Feast' breakfast costs please.
Young Brum:
Couldn't tell you's mate I don't work kitchens, I don't.
I'm just behind here to empty the lard traps"
Eric:
Is there anyone back there who might know?
Young Brum
No there's only us here.
Eric:
Who's us?
Young Brum
Us?
Chris:
He means he's the only one back there!
Eric:
You call your self us! Don't you think that's confusing?
Young Brum:
Not to us it's not!
Eric:
Well is there any other us's back there who might know?
Young Brum:
No, but Traveler Mary on the till will tell you the price once you get there.
Eric:
That's what we're trying to avoid.
Young Brum
Well if I was you's I wouldn't try avoiding our tills mate!
Chris:
He didn't mean we were hoping to avoid paying!
Young Brum
Yood better not either! We hate tea leefs round here we do, so don't even try it or you's might end up with your heads kicked in good style loike:
Eric:
What a charming employee.
ATMOS The Till Area
FX Crockery
FX Till Noise
Mary
Older Brum, thick accent
15.68 Please!
Chris:
Are you sure? All I have is the Travelers Feast two slices of toast two butters and a pot of tea.
Mary:
Sorry dear I never saw the butter, that will be 16.68!
Chris:
What the butter's fifty pence a piece, that's a bit steep!
Eric:
WHISPERS
Told you!
Mary:
I don't set the prices sweetheart I only works here!
Chris:
Well it should clearly state that the butter's are 50p each.
Mary:
It does on the price list sweetheart!
Chris:
I couldn't see the price list!
Mary:
It's right behind me on the wall lover.
Eric:
Phhff
Mary:
If you don't want the butter would you put it back in its little basket please?
Chris:
With the price you're charging I'm surprised you don't keep it in the bloody safe!
Mary:
"Loike I says duck I only works here.
Chris:
You know what? I've changed my mind; I don't want any of it!
Mary:
I'm afraid you have to, once you take anything out of the heated area it's classed as purchased it is!
Chris:
I don't think so and I know I don't have to pay for something I don't want.
Mary:
No, but you have to pay for something that you remove from the heated area duck, its elf & Safety that is.
Look it says there "Once a customer removes any item from the heated area it is classed as purchased and can't be returned" It does clearly say that sir.
Eric:
Heated area, it was under a bulb and that was flickering!
Mary:
That's a heated area that is!
Eric:
Who are you kidding; do you know what we do for a living?
Mary:
No and I'm not interested either!
Eric:
We install high end catering equipment, so don't start trying to tell us about heated display units!
Young Brum
TALKING FROM DISTANCE
Don't worry Mary I've been watching these two jokers, you's will have to pay its elf and safety it is!
Chris:
I thought you said you don't work in the kitchens"
Young Brum:
I don't.
Eric:
MIMICS ACCENT
Well why don't yous follow your own rules and go to where yous do work and keep your nose out!
Mary:
Are you's refusing to pay?!
Chris:
We certainly are!
Mary:
We'll have your car registration on camera we will. So when Baz the duty manager comes in he will send it to head office and they will prosecute you's they will!
Chris:
I don't care what you do, because believe it or not outside of this twilight world of faux bamboo tables and highly over priced knobs of butter, there is such thing as Consumers rights you know!
Eric:
Or in this case the right not to consume! So adieu to you and good day!
F/X Exiting Swinging Doors
Atmos Interior Service Station Corridor
Chris:
TALKING WHILST WALKING
Who are they trying to kid with their prices, it's worse than an international airport in this place.
Eric:
No chance, it might be steep but no one rips you off like an airport!
Do you know I once saw this man and wife who had four kids, they were going on a flight for their first ever package holiday and in all the excitement the poor sod ordered six steak and chip dinners, even the waitress's eyebrow went up when he said it.
You should have seen the look on his face when he got the bill. I doubt if they even went on their holiday after that and if they did they probably had to spend the last four days in their hotel room watching EastEnders in Spanish because they were skint"
Chris:
That's awful.
Eric:
Wait till they crack space travel; if you think the prices are bad now wait till they know your leaving the planet
Exit Café
ATMOS 4 40am Haven on the Highway
Foyer and Arcade gaming area
F/X Game Arcade
Chris:
I'll try Eddy again.
F/X Uses His Mobile And Then Gets Connected Tone
Chris:
It's ringing!
Eric:
Tell him why you had to say you cancelled.
F/X Connected Tone
Chris:
What do you think I was going to say?!
Eric:
Just tell him what happened and let's get going!
F/X Connected Tone
Chris:
It's still ringing!
Eric:
Be nice.
Chris:
FAWNING
Hello Eddy, Eddy its Chris. Look that cancellation thing and the story about the dog it was made up. We're on our way so don't worry those kitchens will be up and running in no time
Cont
I think it was more what they call a white lie
Cont
No I'm not lying now.
Cont
I'm as sober as a judge.
Cont
I'm not in a pub
Cont
I'm in a service station, no it's not a fruit machine, it's just some kid playing on the Space Invaders.
Dwarf:
Hey who are you calling a kid!
Chris:
Sorry about that.
Dwarf:
AGGRESSIVE
Are you one of those who's got a problem with little people?
Chris:
No not at all, it's just that you look a lot younger from behind.
Dwarf:
Well you look stupider close up!
Chris:
Look I'm really sorry; I admit I thought you were a lot younger from behind and I was on my mobile
Dwarf
Why were you holding your phone like that, were you taking pictures of my arse?
Chris
Why would I be taking pictures of your backside?
Dwarf
How would I know I'm not a weirdo like you, just watch it next time!
Chris:
Hello Eddy, are you still there? Listen I'm on my way I just had a bit of trouble with a nutter!
Cont
No that was a dwarf I mistook him for a kid, the nutter gases Badgers, it's a long story I'll tell you when I see you and I bet you get a good laugh out of it.
Cont
You've booked Tony Nolan!
Eric:
What he's booked Naseby Nolan!
Chris:
Eddy you do know that they call him Naesby Nolan?
Cont
But do you know why they call him that?
Eric:
HISSING
Tell him about the Pork!
Chris
It was Tony Nolan who fitted the ovens that were supposed to cook the suckling pigs at the re-enactment of the Battle of Naseby event last year, he set the ovens 20 degrees under and the Puritans scoffed the lot.
Apparently it was the first time in over 350 years that the Royalists won.
Cont
I'm sure it was that Tony Nolan.
The man who plays Prince Rupert's my dentist; he said the pork started flying out of every part of him within ten minutes of him eating it.
To make matters worse he had to get a lift home off Oliver Cromwell who made him sit inside a bin liner.
He sued Naseby Nolan for ten grand and the actual organizer for thirty!
Eric:
WHISPER
Good shot!
Chris:
Cont
Ok so you can count on us, were only two hours away now, good, good don't worry Eddy were on the way, I'm walking to my car as we speak.
F/X Phone Call Completed
Atmos Haven on the Highway Paying Customers Car Park 4.55am
F/X Motorway In Distance
Eric:
You might have to call him back!
Chris:
A clamp! They've clamped my car!
Eric:
They're probably watching us from a vantage point laughing.
Chris:
Well they have picked the wrong one this time. I know the law there has to be a clear notice of clamping operations
Eric:
They've got one! That sign has to be at least eight foot by eight foot and it's luminous.
Chris:
I never saw that when we came in.
Eric:
That's because that white van was blocking it from our view.
Chris:
So what do we do now?
Eric:
The sign says that these spaces are for diners and anyone caught using them have to pay 250 quid to get the clamp off1
Chris:
I'm not paying 250 pound to get a clamp off that's outrageous!
Eric:
You know that and I know that and they obviously know that but it won't alter price though will it?
Chris:
So what do we do?
Eric:
Ring the number and tell them that we were dining and when we came out we found the car clamped!
Chris:
But we weren't!
Eric:
They don't know that do they. All we do is just go back in and pay for that breakfast! Then we can show the clamper the receipt. Once we have done that all we loose is twenty quid for the breakfast instead of two hundred and fifty on the clamp.
Chris:
All WE loose is twenty quid? You're not by any chance actually offering to pay ten pounds of this are you?"
Eric:
You know what I mean! These motorway people are stupid; all we have to do is outsmart them. So be nice when you call and try to sound really shocked.
F/X Dials Numbers On Mobile
F/X Connected Tone
Chris:
Ok its ringing.
Eric:
Be nice, sound shocked!
Chris:
Hello is this Gripfast 24/7, I've just come out of the 'Haven on the Highway' restaurant after having my breakfast and someone has accidentally clamped my car.
Cont
Yes I had the 'Travellers Feast', have you any idea how long this will take, I'm in a rush to see my son
Cont
Yes it's his birthday, He'll be 2. Thank you I'll tell him that. Half an hour! Ok we will go back in and have another coffee, thank you.
F/X Phone Call Completed
Eric:
That sounded ok.
Chris:
I told him it was my son's birthday He was quite understanding actually, which is surprising for someone who works as a clamper.
Eric:
Just shows they can't be all bad.
Chris:
To be honest most towns would be log jammed without them doing their bit.
Eric:
Now comes the hard part.
Chris:
What do you mean?
Eric:
You're going to have to eat humble pie as well as the 'Travelers Feast'.
Chris:
This is embarrassing, we've only just this minute stormed out of there, what can I say?
Eric:
Just give her a sob story, tell her you were upset, that's why you flew off the handle.
TALKING AS THEY ARE WALKING
Chris:
I didn't fly off the handle! What excuse can I give?
Eric:
Tell her that you had just had a call on your mobile as you walked in telling you your mother was being evicted from her bungalow by the council over a bungle with her rates
Chris:
Why that?
Eric:
Its safe ground, everyone hates councils. Tell her you are on the way with paperwork that shows that the council actually owes your mother money, she'll lap that up and you might even get the 'Travelers Feast' for free.
Chris:
But we need the receipt.
Eric:
If she offers just insist on paying half that will be enough.
Chris:
That would be my half I'm paying I suppose.
Eric:
Just do it! The clampers are on the way remember!
Exits Car Park
ATMOS Interior of Haven On the Highway 5.00am
F/X Canteen and Muzak
Chris:
Hello, its Mary isn't it.
Mary:
Yis it is, what do want now?
Chris:
Mary, I'm sorry I got worked up before, I had some bad news about my mother and I seem to have taken it out on you and I really am sorry
Mary:
Oh sorry to heeer about your mum duck I hope she gets better.
Chris:
No she's not ill thank god; it's just that the poor soul has been swindled out of her life savings by a conman posing as a builder.
Mary:
That's terrible that is.
Eric:
Interjects
They were probably gypsies.
Mary:
EXTREME OUTBURST
Hey you cheeky swine I'm a traveler and I've never stolen a bloody thing in my life and neither has any of my family.
Chris:
I'm sorry I have no idea why he just said that!
Mary:
Because he's a bloody racists that's why!
Chris:
Mary I can't apologise enough, I can assure you that we're not racists and please at least let me pay for the breakfast"
F/X Till Sounds And Payment
Mary:
Here's your change and your receipt and I'm only doing it to save Baz flipping when he gets in.
Chris:
Thanks for being so reasonable Mary and I can't apologise enough about my friend, he's an idiot but he's not a racist honestly!
Mary:
He is a racist! And if you's want too wait here for when my son comes to pick me up when me shift ends, he can tell him that he thinks all Gypsies are thieves! I'm sure he'll be pleased to put him right!
Eric:
Mary may I step in.
Mary:
No you can step out, you're both barred! And God help you if my son catches you here.
Exits
ATMOS The car park Haven on the Highway 5.05 am
F/X Motorway noises
Chris:
Well that could've gone better.
Eric:
Why the hell didn't you go the council excuse? It's tried and trusted
Chris:
Don't even try and turn it into my fault, I just went with my own version and she was eating out of my hand until you chipped in and blamed the gypsies!
Eric:
How the hell was I supposed to know she was a Gypsy?
Chris
She's called Traveler Mary!
Eric:
Don't try that one; you know we both thought she was called that because she made the 'Travelers Feast'! How the hell was I supposed to know it means she's a gypsy! I mean she could have least made an effort to look like one.
Chris:
You don't seriously think that Gypsy women dress like they're in a Hammer House Of Horror film do you?
Eric:
I did think they dressed in a certain way, that's why I wasn't on my guard.
Chris:
Not on your guard! So if you don't see anyone dressed in their national costume you think it's ok to start talking like Hitler!
Eric:
I'm not even sure calling a person a gypsy is offensive.
Chris:
Well if you fancy hanging round here and convincing Mary's son that it's ok to insult his mother be my guest.
Eric:
If he gets here before the clampers we're in big trouble.
Chris:
Where's the WE coming from? I never said anything wrong.
Eric:
What if there's a van full of them on their way to tarmac something!
Chris:
Now that's stereotyping as well as racist. It is however on the other hand a very real and very scary possibility.
Eric:
We have to hope that the clamper removal man comes before Mary's son.
Chris
What if he doesn't?
Eric:
Then we will have to front him up, there's two of us.
Chris:
Anyone looking at us can see we couldn't fight our way out of a paper bag!
Eric:
We could be looking at this from the wrong end, What if the gypsy can't fight? I mean they can't all be tough as nails, there's got be one of them who can't fight.
Chris:
So the plan is to stay here and hope that when Mary's son comes to pick her up, he turns out to be the only Gypsy in the country who can't fight.
Eric:
We could put on heavy Glasgow accents that might make us look a bit tougher.
Chris:
Can't you say anything without running the risk of starting a race riot!
Eric:
Well we'd better think of something quick.
Chris:
What if we get into a position where we can see who comes first but they can't see us.
Eric:
Do you mean hide!
Chris:
Unless you have a better plan, Mien Furher.
Eric:
What if we're hiding and they both arrive at the same time, we'll have to wait until Mary and her son leave before we make ourselves known to the clamper man.
Chris:
Make ourselves known! We're not wanted SS men you know. Well I know I'm not, but I wouldn't like to have to vouch for you after what I've heard in the last half hour!
Eric:
I'd say hide in a truck but the way our lucks going it will be probably already be full of illegal immigrants!
Chris:
How the hell do you avoid arrest?
Eric:
We could hide in the toilets?
Chris:
I can't imagine that creating any further outrageous capers, can you?
Eric:
You're right. Let's move over by that petrol station.
ATMOS Petrol station forecourt 5.10am
FX Busy Forecourt
Chris:
Don't you think we should actually go in and read the papers and stuff like we're browsing?
Eric:
It's not WH Smiths, all these expect is a quick in and out who's browsing in motorway petrol stations?
Chris:
We can't just stand here we're blocking the fire buckets.
Eric:
Fire buckets, that's a joke, if a petrol station goes up the first thing you do is get away as fast as you can before the massive explosion.
Who in their right mind would be running round looking for a bucket of sand that is probably half filled with fag ends anyway!
Chris:
The girl on the till is stirring over at us.
Eric:
Just keep talking she will think we're waiting for someone.
Chris:
She might think we're robbers casing the joint.
Eric:
Casing the joint! Who are you supposed to be Tony Soprano!
Chris:
She keeps looking over.
Eric:
Look the other way; don't draw attention to your self.
Chris:
I can't it's like a car crash I can't stop looking, oh oh now she's phoning someone.
Eric:
That's not a phone stupid, it's a microphone.
F/X Loud Tannoy
Tannoy Voice
Female Thick Brummie accent
Excuse me, yous two gents.
Chris:
Do you think she means us?
Eric:
Just ignore her pretend we're talking.
Chris:
We are talking.
Eric
You know what I mean.
Tannoy Voice
Thick Brum
Excuse us, would the two blokes at the end of the forecourt move away from the fire fighting area please.
F/X WALKING FAST AND TALKING
Chris:
That's one way of avoiding attention.
Eric:
Lets head over towards those bushes, we could hide in them.
Chris:
Do you really think it's a good idea to cross a floodlight car park, and then try to hide behind a two foot high bush whilst being watched by a woman with a Tannoy system who by the way has already moved us on for looking suspicious.
Eric
Well we'll have to do something before she phones the police on us.
Chris
We've done nothing wrong have we? Can you get into trouble for calling someone a Gypsy?
Eric:
Look over there, that white vans back and it's parked by the sign again, someone should have a word with him, hang on a minute I think he's the clamper man!
F/X Both Men Moving Quickly
Chris:
Thank god. Come on let's get over there, wait till I tell him it was his van that obscured the sign!"
Eric:
I somehow don't think it will come as a shock to him!
Exits Garage forecourt
ATMOS Haven on the Highway Paying Customer's Car Park. 5.25am
Chris:
Slightly Out of Breath
Hello, we phoned you.
Clamper:
How do, you're the bloke I clamped by mistake?
Chris:
I certainly am.
Clamper:
Sorry about that sir, if I can just see your receipt I'll have that clamp off in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
F/X Rustle of paper
Chris:
As you can see I had the Travelers feast.
Clamper:
I'm sorry sir but this receipt's timed 5.00am on the dot and your call to our offices was logged at 4.52am.
Chris:
I can explain that, you see there was a mix up with the order and Mary the woman on the till.
Clamper:
NO NONSENSE INTERJECTION
I'm sorry sir but we can only go by the times stated. I will have to ask you to pay in full and clear up any mix up you have with 'Haven on the Highway PLC' when you get home.
Chris:
But I did buy the breakfast.
Clamper:
It's not my first day on the job Sir. Now I'm not saying you're one of them, but have you any idea of how many people try the old backdated receipt trick?
If I had a pound for everyone.
Eric:
INTERJECTS
No you get 250!
Clamper:
There's no need for this to turn nasty sir!
Chris:
I'm sorry about my friend; he's having a bad day as well.
Clamper:
That's understandable sir. Now will it be cash or credit card, we take them all.
Eric:
There's a surprise!
Clamper:
I'll have you know there's three Lorries over at 'Larry's Lay By' waiting to be released and one of them is refrigerated. I only came here first so your mate could get to see his son on his birthday!
Chris:
I know and I'm grateful, I'll use my debit card, if you could just speed it up please.
Clamper:
Certainly sir, we don't want the little un pining at the window on his birthday now do we? I'll just get my Chip N Pin doo dah from the van shall I?
Chris:
LOW VOICED LECTURING
Don't you think we've had enough arguments in this place? The last thing we need is another one.
Eric:
LOW HISS
I just hate being ripped off so politely!
Clamper
RETURNING
Here we go sir, if you could just put your card in there and I'll look away whilst you punch in your secret digits shall I.
Eric:
HISSING
Oh my God Traveler Mary's putting her coat on!
Chris:
Oh no her shift must be over!
F/X Electronic Beeping
Clamper:
Sorry sir it looks like your payment never went through, do you want to do it again only this time concentrate on your pin number please. I'll look away again while you do it shall I.
Chris:
Could we speed this up please?
F/X Electronic Beeping
Clamper:
More speed less haste is what I always say sir. Now it looks like it's gone through that time, so if you can wait just one minute it should print your receipt off and then we can get that nasty clamp off eh.
Chris:
Could you at least take the clamp off while you're waiting?
Clamper:
No problem sir, I'll just put me chip n pin doo dah back into my van.
Eric:
Christ here's a van this could be Mary's son.
Chris:
Whoever it is there's two of them.
Eric:
Oh no one of them is the mad hitchhiker!
Chris:
He's coming over, think of something quick.
Hitchhiker arrives on scene
Hitcher:
I thought you two were doing a U turn to see your dog in the vets?
Chris:
We were, but my phone went dead so I had to use a phone in here to check on the poor thing and got clamped into the bargain.
Hitcher:
What they clamped you while you were trying to check how your dog was?
Chris:
It's no big thing my company will pay for the clamp and it gave us a chance to have a coffee and stave off driver fatigue. So we mustn't grumble.
Hitcher:
I don't get fatigue I'm either asleep or awake. I've trained myself to stay awake for three days at a time; you need to be able to do that if you want to trap Badgers"
Eric:
Fascinating.
Clamper:
RETURNING
There you go sir the clamps off now.
Hitchhiker:
Is this the Muppet who clamped you?
Chris:
No not at all, this chap came round right away to take it off.
Clamper:
I'll just get your receipt from the doo dah in the van sir
Chris:
Thanks.
Hitchhiker:
I wouldn't have paid the Muppet; I would have tore that clamp off with my bare hands or used Jimbo!
Clamper:
RETURNING
F/X Machine whirrs
I'm awfully sorry sir but it looks like the machine did work first time as well as the second so your accounts been debited twice.
Chris:
Can't you cancel it? That's five hundred pounds; I won't even have enough cash left in my account to buy petrol!
Clamper:
Not out in the field sir, we don't have that facility. But our website address is on the back of the receipt and if you log on and put the receipt number in we should be able to credit your account within 28 days"
Hitcher:
Listen here you Muppet, get their money back or you'll be answering to me, picking on bloody dog lovers!
Chris:
It's fine I'll get it on expenses, please don't get into any trouble on my account!
Hitchhiker:
What trouble I'd wipe the floor with this Muppet no problem!
Clamper:
Here don't start threatening me I'm only doing my job!
Hitchhiker:
Some job you've got you little runt persecuting a man with a sick dog!
Clamper:
I never knew he had a sick dog in the car did I?! But it wouldn't have mattered anyway, company policy about unclamping without payment only extends to sick people not animals, even then a doctor has to sign off the back of the ticket.
Hitchhiker:
The dogs not in the car it's in the vets you Muppet.
Clamper:
You won't get anywhere calling me names mate, but as it happens I'm a dog lover myself. If you tell me what vets you're trying to get too? I might be able to help you find it. We clamp all the clinics and hospitals round these parts, we do.
Chris:
Everything's fine, we'll just bet on our way if you don't mind.
Clamper:
I don't mind sir, I like to help I do. Now where's this vets then?
Hitchhiker:
Shut it Muppet you've done enough already!
Clamper:
Listen here I've had enough of your insults you big daft lump, I'm only doing my job you know!
Hitchhiker:
Your job will be clamping trolleys in intensive care if you don't watch your mouth!
Chris:
Lets all calm down, please.
Clamper:
You want to listen to him mate, your wasting your time threatening me. I've already got a metal plate in my head, thanks to this job. I can't even go in Tesco without setting bloody alarms off!
F/X Mobile Phone Rings
Chris
I have to take this call, please lets all calm down.
Hitchhiker
I thought you said your phone was dead?
Chris:
Erg it must have been the Reception.
Eric:
LOUD
It's probably all these trucks. Why don't you take the call over there near the toilets you will get a better reception.
CONFIDENTIAL TONE I think this is Mary's son just driving in!
F/X Mobile Phone Ringing
Chris:
CONFIDENTIAL TONE
Try and keep out of sight, it's Eddy on the phone I can't take the call here! If he overhears these two idiots arguing he'll think we're a bad bet.
Eric:
Go inside the toilets and talk to him I'll try and keep these two nutcases apart.
Chris:
Ok
F/X Mobile Phone Ringing
Eric:
If he asks why you sound funny don't say it's because you're hiding in the toilets
Chris:
How did I meet you?
Exits
ATMOS Service Station Toilets
F/X Mobile is still ringing
F/X Toilet Cubicle Opening and Closing
F/X Answers Mobile
Chris:
Hello Eddy, sorry about that
Cont
No I'm in a tunnel
Cont
On the M6
Cont
It's brand new I think me and Eric were the fifth people through it.
Cont
No Eddy it's the truth, honestly.
Eric enters the toilets to locate Chris
Eric
PANICKY LOUD WHISPERS
Chris! Chris! Chris!
Chris:
WHISPER
Here, I'm in here
LOUDER
Sorry Eddy I'll have to call you back"
F/X Closes phone, then drops it and then stoops to pick it up
Chris:
Oh crap!
F/X Recovers phone and exits cubicle
Eric:
Chris thank god, they're fighting!
Chris:
My phones all wet, who's fighting?
Eric:
The hitchhiker, he's got the clamper man in the headlock and is ramming is head into the side of his van.
Chris
Why didn't you stop them before it started?
Eric:
I'm not even sure how it started but the next minute the hitchhiker started shouting that he was going to dent the metal plate in the clampers head and leave him like an ashtray!
Chris:
Sounds like he's going the right way about it!
The Dwarf from the arcade exits a cubicle
Dwarf:
"Hey what are you's up too now?"
Eric:
Not that it's got anything to do with you, but we happen to be talking privately.
Dwarf
That phone in his hand.
Chris:
My phone? What about it?
Dwarf
You're at it again aren't you!
Chris:
I'm not at anything!
Dwarf
EUREKA LIKE
Did you just take a photo of me on the bloody bog!
Chris:
What!
Dwarf:
You have haven't you? You're probably one of those pervs off that website 'Bogblog' aren't you.
What did you do take an 'Up Shot' of me did you? Going to pass me off as a kid to your sick mates were you!
Chris:
I wouldn't even know what an 'Up Shot' was you soft sod!
Eric:
So buzz off!
Dwarf
Buzz off! I'll Buzz you off, filthy perverts give me that phone, we'll soon see what you've been up to!
F/X Chris Eric and the Dwarf Begin Jostling.
Exit toilets
Atmos Customer Car Park, Haven on the Highway
F/X Police Radio
Sergeant:
WELSH ACCENT INTERVENES FIRMLY
Ok come on break it up or I'll run the lot of you in.
F/X All Three Disentangling
Sergeant:
Right what's going on here, fighting outside public toilets? I think we all know better than that now don't you?
Dwarf:
I'm glad you're here constable; this pervert took an 'Up Shot' of me on the toilet with his mobile while the other one stood guard! It's the second time in ten minutes I've caught them at it and I want them arrested!
Sergeant:
I'm not a constable sir as you can see I have stripes on my arm so that means I'm a Sergeant!
Dwarf:
Alright! You don't have to talk to me like were on Sesame Street you know, I might be small but I'm not Stupid!
Chris:
I never took an 'Up Shot' sergeant! I just dropped my phone in the cubicle.
Sergeant:
SING SONG WELSH ACCENT
You had your phone out in the cubicle then did you sir?
Chris:
I was answering an urgent call. I'm due to oversee the installation of a kitchen at a big event that the Mayor of London will be attending tonight and the organiser was worried that I might be running late, so if you don't mind sergeant we really must be on our way.
Sergeant:
I can appreciate you're in a bit rush sir, but let's take it one step at a time shall we?
I think it might be best if we all stay together for a moment or two and work out who's who and what's what before anyone starts rejoining the motorway.
Dwarf:
You'll see more than what's what if you look at in that filthy sods phone!
Chris:
I've told you I was on the phone to my boss!
Dwarf
Who do you work for Hugh Heffner!?
Eric:
My friend has already explained to you that he was making a call about work!
Do we have to listen to this man sergeant?
Sergeant:
No sir you'd don't! You would all however be better off listening to me. Now at this moment in time either rightly or wrongly you two have been accused of taking intimate pictures of this gentleman.
Dwarf:
Intimate, who are you kidding? These two were only a few steps away from invasive surgery!
Chris:
SCOFFS
Phhf
Eric:
This man is clearly unstable sergeant!
Dwarf:
I show you who's unstable, I'll knock you right off your stupid feet in a minute! Just because I'm small don't think I'd have any trouble doing it.
Sergeant:
Shut up the three of you! Now I've got enough on my hands in this place as it is. I've got there of my men tied up trying to keep a Clamper and some lunatic apart; four other officers are conducting a search of the lorry park after we had a few calls about a couple of characters who been seen eyeing up the petrol station and on top of all that my only female officer is inside dealing with what may be a racist incident in the café. And now I've got a possible peeping Tom job on my hands. I don't know what's been going on in this place tonight but it's taken up the entire Motorway night shift between here and Newport bloody Pagnall.
Chris:
Sergeant I can clearly see that you have your hands full, I am more than happy to show you my phone, I've got nothing to hide, but if we could do this now because I really need to be setting off.
Dwarf:
He's probably already deleted it, then once he's hoodwinked you he'll retrieve it from the mobiles memory recycle bin and then download it onto the net.
Sergeant:
I must say you seem to know an awful lot about how to do this type of thing. You're a bit of a computer buff yourself then I take it sir.
Dwarf:
I know my way around a computer.
Eric:
He's like an R2D2.
Dwarf:
Don't you call me R2 bloody D2.
F/X SCUFFLE
Sergeant:
Right that's it, the three of you over to the van now!
F/X ALL SHUFFLE DEJECTEDLY OVER TO VAN
Sergeant:
Now the three of you stand there while I get a report off my constable and if anyone of you starts up, I'll run you straight in no messing around!
Eric: Chris: Dwarf:
APOLGETIC MUMBLING
Constable:
I've arrested the clamper and the other character sarge; I couldn't risk leaving them alone in the van so I've cuffed them to those give way signs over there.
That way I was able to let Pc's Hanson and Davies get over and give a hand searching for the petrol station bandits, apparently the long stay lorry park is full to the brim so they need all the help they can get, they've called for air support as well but the helicopters over at an RTA outside Dudley so it could be twenty minutes before that arrives.
Sergeant:
Good work PC Parker, what charge are you holding those two idiots on?
Constable:
I think we've hit a bit of a jackpot here sarge. First I blew the clamper chap through on the radio and he's wanted by three forces in relation to allsorts of antics with his clamps.
Clamper:
FROM DISTANCE
I'm not wanted by three forces I sorted it all out two weeks ago I went the station with the company solicitor.
I still say that the hospice car park is part of my patch and as for the incident with the nuns; they gave me their gold crosses of their own free will, you'd think I'd bloody mugged them.
The Dudley one I'll hold my hands up to, it's all on camera anyway how was I supposed to know that the man really was blind? It's beyond me it really is!
Sergeant:
I'm sure it is sir, what about the other character?
Constable:
You'll love this sarge, he's wanted by DEFRA! I don't know who they are but it could be a terrorism job.
Sergeant:
Steady now lad it's only the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs. Chummy here is probably a poacher!
Hitcher:
FROM DISTANCE
I'm not a bloody poacher and DEFRA can take a flying jump! 48 quid for a license! Who are they kidding, my dad gassed over 700 Badgers for them when they had that big rabies scare in 1970 and he still hasn't had his ten bob a head bounty, their a load of con artists!
Chris:
Sergeant I don't want to appear rude but could you sort our case out first I really am in a hurry.
Hitcher
FROM DISTANCE
Go ahead sarge deal with him first I don't mind, his dogs not well and besides you'd be wasting your time handcuffing him he's a registered magician!
Sergeant:
You're a magician? I thought you told me that you're in the catering trade.
Chris:
Magic's just a side line, I am in the catering trade full time, but I won't be for much longer if I can't sort this silly mistake out soon, I really am in a hurry you know Sergeant.
Dwarf:
In a hurry to scarper don't you mean, What about me! I've been molested!
Sergeant:
Are you now saying this man actually touched you?
Dwarf:
Not exactly no... But he's got pictures of my backside on his phone have a look.
Chris
Here's my mobile sergeant and I'm sure that my friend will happily show you his and as you can plainly see neither have the capacity to take photographs!
Sergeant
That does appear to be the case, so if we can all shake hands I might be able to get back to some real police work.
Dwarf:
So is that it, you're going to take his word for it?
Sergeant:
What else can I do sir; you can see he has no camera on his phone.
Dwarf:
You heard what that poacher said; he's a registered bloody conjurer!
Sergeant:
I think you need to calm down a bit sir.
Dwarf:
Don't you tell me to calm down! Harry Potter here is running rings around you, no wonder they call you lot wooden tops!
Sergeant:
That's not a very nice thing to say now is it sir? Why don't you run along before I lose my patience eh?
Dwarf:
Don't tell me to run along I'm not a child. I want this pervert searched for another mobile! That is of course after you've finished licking his boots!
Sergeant:
I think it fair to advise you if you don't watch your mouth you could end up getting yourself into more trouble than you handle.
Dwarf:
How much trouble do you think I can handle then clever dick?
Sergeant:
I'm warning you sir I won't tolerate abuse.
Dwarf
Oh you won't tolerate abuse, well let me tell you PC Knucklehead it's my arse that's going to be all over the internet once the bloody Wizard of Oz here has let you finish eating out of his hand like a bloody pet Emu!
Sergeant:
Right your nicked sunshine!
F/X Struggle
Sergeant:
Cuff him to that clamper Parker; you might as well let the other one go I'm not getting involved in DEFRAS bloody Badger gassing problems I've got enough on my hands here, this place is worse than the Bronx tonight it really is!
Dwarf:
FROM DISTANCE
What charge, you can't hold me without a charge and I've done nothing illegal.
Sergeant
FROM DISTANCE
You'll be charged with a public order offence but if you can keep your mouth shut you might, I say might get away with a street caution once the situations calmed down.
Dwarf
FROM DISTANCE
Don't you mean once you've finished creeping round your pervert mate? What're you going to do, swap a few pictures eh eh then give them a blue light escort all the way to Soho eh eh?
Sergeant
Put him and that clamping cowboy in the van Parker! They're nicked!
Hitcher
Thanks for letting me go sarge, That DEFRA stuff that's a load of cobblers! Now if you could just let my two little mates here go as well, we can all be on our way all in the same little car in two minutes flat.
Sergeant:
I take it you two would be happy to be on your way?, Unless of course you wish to pursue the other chap regarding false allegations, if that's the case you'll have to follow the van to the police station.
Chris:
No that'll be fine Sergeant, it was a just a silly misunderstanding, I do hope you don't come down to heavy on the other chap!
Sergeant:
Once he's shut up for ten minutes I'll probably give him a caution and drop him off a few junctions back that should cool his jets. I take it you'll be taking this gent along with you?
Chris:
Sure, why not.
Hitcher
Great stuff if I could just get my rucksack out the front of your van Sarge, we'll all be on our way
Sergeant:
MOVING AWAY
Come on then sir, you come with me and we'll get your property sorted out.
Eric:
LOW VOICE ALMOST HISSING
I'm not getting back in the car with him; I'm telling you that for nothing!
Chris:
LOW VOICE
You have too! Any minute now they are going to find out that the descriptions for the armed robbers and the ones for the racist attack match!
How long after that do you think it's going to take the sergeant to see that it's us two! He'll even think we were doing 'Up Shots'
Eric:
Two bird's one stone!
Chris:
What do mean?
Eric:
We keep the sarge busy and get Rambo off our backs, just go with me.
Sergeant
APPROACHING
He's got his rucksack and as far as I'm concerned you two gents are free to leave as well.
Eric:
Thank you very much sergeant and once again we're sorry for all the fuss, we'll be off then. You did say you gave my friend everything back, including Jimbo; he'd be lost without that?
Sergeant:
Who's Jimbo?
Hitcher:
Here's Jimbo! That's just the name I give it, I burnt it on with a red hot poker, but its mine honest.
Sergeant:
I'm sure it is sir, now if you could just pass it to me handle first I can make sure we have a record of it, it's called Jimbo you say:
Hitcher
Yeah, I got a free license to carry it off the website when I bought it. It's a bit dirty but it's as sharp as a razor, you can throw it as well its specially weighted. It's easy throwing at a tree practicing but I've never hit a Badger first go with it, well not yet anyway!
Sergeant
This blood on the handle, I take it that its Badgers blood?
Hitcher
Some, the other might be off a cow; I had to do a lame Frisian as a favour for a mate of mine.
Sergeant:
Well I think it might be wise to get Jimbo on file down at the station, take a few photos and such just in case you ever loose it, that way we could trace it through our computer.
Hitcher
I'd love too but I've got to get down to London my dog Havoc is being held by the Met, they're trying to say it's a banned breed after it went for some Muppet with a Poodle!
Eric
Sergeant, I'm sure you could pull a few strings when you get down the station, you know phone ahead and tell them Havocs a good dog and how there's been a mix up and all that.
Sergeant
Ergh yes I'd have no problem doing that, my super loves dogs he does and you could have a coffee in a nice room while we sort it out.
Hitcher
That would be great sarge!
Well I'm glad you two lads have got everything sorted out, I hope your dog makes a full recovery and everything and I appreciate the offer of a lift, but as you can see I've got the chance to get Jimbo logged in and Havoc logged out in one fell swoop, so I'd be stupid not to.
Eric
No problem well mind how you go.
Thank you sergeant we'll be off now if that's ok with you.
Sergeant
That's fine sir, and thanks for everything if you know what I mean.
Eric
We certainly do Sergeant we certainly do.
Chris
Car!
ATMOS Interior of Car
Customer Car Park 'Haven on the Highway'
Chris:
We've got to be in London in 85 minutes and seeing as we're now wanted for half the crimes in this county and that Eddy will hang us out to dry if we let him down are we going to have a problem with me ignoring the speed limit?
Eric:
Just Go Go! I can't believe we actually got out of here!
F/X Car Starts.
F/X Indicator.
F/X Increased Speed
Chris:
Oooh what now?! Look at this big hairy idiot standing in the middle of the slip road with a garden spade; he's going to get himself killed.
Eric:
Oh my God its Mary's son!
Chris:
Jesus Christ!
F/X Windscreen smashes
The End
