I've been digging through the back catalog and done some re-writes on some old ones
Sketch One
Scene 1 Int - Day
King Charles 1 is dressing with his valet, Barker, on the morning of his execution.
Charles : A fine day to die, Barker, is it not?
Barker : My Liege, how you face this unspeakable travesty with such regal bravery.
Charles : I shall go from a corruptible to an incorruptible crown.
Barker: Your majesty if I may advise one final time, it is terribly cold outside. Might I suggest an extra shirt today? I would not wish the crowd to see you shiver and think you afraid.
Cut to
Scene 2 Ext-Day
King Charles walks onto platform, he sees the baying crowd his eye finally lands on the bloc, the executioner and the axe. He suddenly looks extremely troubled and shifts his weight uncomfortably. He turns to Barker.
Charles: The shirts were an excellent idea. However it is unfortunate you did not suggest an extra pairs of britches instead.
Ends
Sketch Two
5th November, 1605
King James 1 is putting on his royal robes for the state opening of parliament he is assisted by the Duke of Suffolk.
King : I hate giving speeches Suffolk.
Suffolk : Don't worry Your Majesty with your one liners I'm sure it'll go with a bang.
King : Do you think I should leave that joke in about the catholic and the protestant?
Suffolk looks at the kings papers.
Suffolk : I think it's meant to say prostitute.
King : Ah! That makes more sense, we are in the presence of MP's after all. Is there enough drink for the piss up afterwards?
Suffolk : There wasn't. But by some stroke of luck, I found a load of extra barrels in the cellar.
King: Good. What is it? Claret?
Suffolk : Haven't a clue. But you know MP's they'll drink anything if it's free.
King : Delinquents.
Suffolk : Do you know, they'd locked this poor little foreign chap down there with it.
King : No?
Suffolk : Obviously a sex slave of some kind. All he had was a little flint with him to give him some warmth. I let him out, he was so grateful.
King : Anyway at least all this talk of an assignation attempt came to nothing.
Suffolk : I told you not to worry Majesty! Nothing is going to get past me!
King : I fancy a quick loosener.
Suffolk : What a good idea majesty.
Suffolk grabs a glass and walks over to the barrels.
Suffolk : So what do we have here? It's so dark I can't read the letters.
King : Use the candle man.
Suffolk picks up candle and he puts it close to barrels and boom!
Sketch Three
12 November 1912 - Antarctica
Two explorers leading a big expedition are trekking through the snowy waste land. The driving snow clears and there in front of them is a tent, the door flapping open in the wind.
They exchange triumphant glances
Explorer 1: We've found them!
Explorer 2: Good job, my knees still hurts after tripping over that fella back there.
They go in the tent and are confronted by two frozen bodies.
Explorer 2: Which one is Scott?
Explorer 1 : Him.
Explorer 2 goes over to the bodies and rummages through the pockets. He pulls out a leather book.
He brushes the ice off and in gold embossed writing "Diary"
The explorers stare at it for a moment, as if in awe of finding the documentation of Scott's final journey.
Then he tosses out the door with a sigh.
Explorer 2: Why do they never have their wallets on them?
Ends
