Skit comp 19 - 26.7.11

Very high standard last wank so congratulations to TEDDY PADDALACK for a worthy victory. Get rat-flapped and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Teddy Paddalack
3 - 5 - Jack Daniels
2 - 1 - Nigel Kelly
Honourable mention: RedZed333
Dishonourable mention: Kasm, Michael Monkhouse, Otterfox

Your new subject: NAMES
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to steal my dinner money.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 26.7.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

193! - Mr Sunshine
186 - Kasm
169 - Otterfox
148 - Michael Monkhouse
143 - Cool Mikado
133 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
105 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters, Angiebaby
83 - Ishy
77 - Gerry McDonnell
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
30 - Stephen Goodlad
28 - Leevil
27 - Bushbaby
26 - David Chapman
25 - Teddy Paddalack, Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Nil Putters, Mikey J
20 - Shandonbelle, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - 404 Not Found, Ellie
16 - Reg N, Eggie
15 - Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Stephen Birch
13 - Badge
12 - Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Tuumble, Shirl the Whirl, Steven
10 - Sean Night, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - RedZed333, Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Jack Daniels, Flavian, Sean, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Lady Laughter, Scar Bum, veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

A man is sitting at a desk and the phone rings
"Hello Eastwest Trains complaints department, Jim Kelly speaking"

Very timid voice
"Hello I wonder if you can help me?"

Jim Kelly
"Certainly sir, may I know the nature of the complaint?"

Timid Voice
"Oh it's not a complaint, if anything it was probably my fault"

Jim Kelly
"What exactly is the issue sir?"

Timid Voice
"Well I was on my way to buy a collar with a bell on for my cat, it's been after the birds again so I went to Tunbridge to buy the collar, they had some in the village pet shop but they were mostly made in tartan and my cats called Churchill so I don't...."

Jim Kelly
Interjects
"We close at five sir!"

Timid Voice
"But it's only half nine.. Oh I see, anyway I got the 9.15 to Tunbridge on Tuesday and on the way I got a touch of cramp so I stretched my right leg and it touched the seat facing"

Jim Kelly
"Well there's no harm done sir and thanks for the confession I'll put it in the book"

Timid Voice
"No that's not it! One of those new ticket wardens, a young man with a Mohawk and a tattoo of a snake along his neck, he saw me do it and even though I explained about the cramp he still took my name"

Jim Kelly
"I see hold the line sir"

Jim Kelly picks up another phone and presses the numbers

Jim Kelly
"It's Jim Kelly, put Sick Mick on will you"

Sick Mick
"What's up?"

Jim Kelly
"Did you do the Tunbridge 9.15 on Tuesday?"

Sick Mick
"Yeah why?"

Jim Kelly
"There was a really timid chap, he had cramp, he claims that you took his name"

Sick Mick
"Yeah I did so what!"

Jim Kelly
"He wants it back?"

Sick Mick
"Too late, we sold the lot to the Deed Poll office yesterday"

Jim Kelly
"Oh, I forgot we do that"

Sick Mick
"His was a cracker Fabien Randolph Butterworth, we got forty quid for that on its own! They'll probably sell that to a yank for about two hundred!"

Jim Kelly
"What can I say to him?"

Sick Mick
"There's a couple of names left that we couldn't sell"

Jim Kelly
Switches phones
"Good News Mr Dung......"

MAGNIFICENT SEVEN

CHURCH.
An elderly VICAR stands before DAVID BECKHAM (lookin' mean) and VICTORIA BECKHAM (holding a baby but more interested in pouting).

VICAR Dearly beloved, we are gathered today at this House of God to witness the Christening of this infant, born of David and Victoria Beckham, and given the name of...?

DAVID Harper Seven.

VICAR (barely stifles a giggle) I now name this child...

DAVID What did you just do?

VICAR (trying to keep a straight face) Nothing. I now name this...

DAVID You just giggled didn't you.

VICAR No... I now name this child, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, (stifles another giggle) Harper (laughs)...

DAVID What is it?

VICAR I'm sorry mate, it's just such a stupid f**king name innit? You piss me off you celebs and your kiddies, don't get enough attention already eh? Tony or Jack or Tom ain't good enough for you is it, gotta be Fifi Trixabelle or Moxie Crimefighter or Chastity - Chastity, that's good coming from a celeb, you're about as chaste as Tiger Woods, Jeez I remember Madonna, 'Like a Virgin', 'like' being the operative word...

DAVID Can we get on with the ceremony please?

VICAR Yeah all right... I now name this child Harper (chortles) - Harper Seven, what is it, a kid or a Thunderbirds puppet? 'International Rescue, Calling Harper Seven, do you read me? Probably not, considering your folks' linguistic abilities, hardly Stephen Hawking are you? One of you kicks balls about - that's tempting fate - the other was in a tarty pop group that went outa fashion the day Ginge left...' Harper Seven, whatcha tryna do to the poor f**ker, get advance revenge on it for when it's a teenager? 'My parents won't let me out late', 'Well you can f**k off, mine called me Harper Seven'... What's school gonna be like eh, education's not shitty enough already? 'Right lads, register: Harold, Harry, Harper Seven - stop laughing kids, take his head out of toilet and stop screaming 'Wankuh wankuh wankuh...' Well f**k you and your poncey names, I'm getting on with the sermon, some of us have work to do... (clears throat) I now read the passage in which Nebuchadrezzar son of Nathan-Melech, son of Zamzummims, son of Keren-happuch, son of Berodachbaladan, son of Zaphnathpaaneah, son of Chushanrishathaim, son of Tilgathpilneser, son of Mahershalalhashbaz, son of Bashanhavothjair...

A man holding a cream pie approaches 2 security guards.

Man: I've got a special delivery for Rupert Murdoch... My name is Kate-

Security 1: Yeh, no worries mate. (opens door) He's just through there.

Man: (can't believe his luck) wow, the security here is a joke.

Security 1: Nah, a joke would be something along the lines of, 'Kate feeds murchoch humble pie'...

Man: Good one!

Security 2: yeh and it'd work especially well if he'd hacked Kate Humble.

Security 1: Shut up, Roy.

A MAN WALKS INTO A PUB

MAN: Oi! Bar-boy!

BARMAN: Don't give me that, I'm old enough to be your father what dumped you in the rubbish tip.

MAN: How do you know about my father?

BARMAN: Cos I'm his brother. I told him to put you in the orphanage like any normal person, but he told me that no matter what happens you would get a better education down at the dump.

MAN: Well 'uncle' we can talk about that later, for now I am here for a er... a job.

BARMAN: There are no jobs here, why don't you check at home Dumper?

MAN: Don't call me such names! Anyway I am here for a "job".

BARMAN: A "job"? Alright then Dumpy, you want to talk to those three over in the corner. I hope you have enough money.
(The MAN walks over to the three in the corner)
MAN: I hear you can do jobs.

SHADY MAN: Oh yeah, we can do jobs. Ol' Tinker here has a degree in Chemistry.

MAN: How did you get a degree?

TINKER: I guess you could say I inherited it; old geezer didn't want to give it up. To be fair to him, who would want to give up a first from Oxford? Still nothing a pair of pliers and a red hot poker couldn't sort out.

MAN: Look I need a "job" doing.

SHADY MAN: Ah, a "job" very well. What manner of "job" are you thinking of?

MAN: I need someone taken care of.

SHADY MAN: Sorry, we aren't in the social care business, not after last time.

MAN: Last time?

SHADY MAN: An incident involving an old lady, a flight down the stairs and Tinker's bloody red hot poker.

TINKER: Don't start blaming my red hot poker again.

SHADY MAN: You had the bloody thing sharpened and you were waving it around at the bottom of the stairs!

TINKER: You're the one who pushed her!
(SHADY MAN shrugs)
SHADY MAN: She was taking all day and I didn't have all bloody day.

MAN: Let me clear this up, I need someone "taken care of".

SHADY MAN: Excellent we are very good at "taking care of" people! Hey Taylor, go get Soldier looks like we are gonna need him.

MAN: Soldier? Imaginative.

SHADY MAN: Yeah well don't say that to him or he will be feeding your testicles as dessert to your eyes through your toothless mouth. He didn't know what to do when he left the army so we gave him a little help.

MAN: We?

SHADY MAN: Seeing as we are in business, I will tell you who "we" are. I am Ernest Beggarman, he is Tinker, Taylor you just saw and Soldier you know of. The others you won't see today are our rowing ace Sailor, our group's second biggest sponge Phil Poorman and dear old George who we have dubbed Rich Man...
(ERNEST [SHADY MAN] is interrupted by another man who gives him something)
ERNEST: And the man who has just given me your bag of money and wallet is James Thief.

JAMES: How d'ya do?

ERNEST: Hmm, that is a lot of cash.

MAN: Yes well I wanted it to be a professional job.

ERNEST: Well you have come to the right people. Give us the name and we will see to it that they are "taken care of".

MAN: His name is Mike Davis. He lives not too far from here.

ERNEST: Very well it is done, would you like us to give him a message or your name? No extra cost of course.

MAN: You are professional; just tell him to remember my name: Wendy Wench.

1. INT A WOMAN (SARA CLARKE) IS SITTING IN A DOCTORS OFFICE

DOCTOR:
Well Mrs Clarke I've some good news and bad news. The good news is, we know what's wrong with you.

SARA:
And the bad news, erm, Mr, no that's not right, Sir?

DOCTOR:
Doctor.

SARA:
I knew it. It was on the tip of my tongue.

DOCTOR:
The bad news is you've got name amnesia. We've no idea how you got it, a toilet seat perhaps, who knows. Unfortunately the effect is permanent, and despite you being normal is most regards you'll always seriously struggle remembering names.

SARA:
What will I say to my children (pause) the little one and the slightly bigger one. Oh no.

SARA BREAKS DOWN CRYING

DOCTOR:
I know it's a shock Mrs Clarke. However there is a technique called memory association that has proved very successful in people with your condition.

SARA DRIES HER EYES

DOCTOR:
So for example, my wife is called June. Whenever I see her I could think of a lovely summers day. When is it sunny? In June.

SARA LOOKS CHEERED BY THIS

SARA:
That's really clever.

DOCTOR:
Another example. My ex-wife is called Pat. Whenever I see her I could think of the same summers day, sitting in the beer garden of my local having a pint. Time to go, but I can't afford a car because I'm flat broke after the divorce, and the harridans got my balls in a vice. So I walk home, cross a field and step in a stinking cow (pause) Pat. I guess it could also work with that rancid old boot off Eastenders.

THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE. THE DOCTOR IS MOMENTARILY LOST IN RAGE AND THEN REGAINS HIS COMPOSURE

DOCTOR:
Anyway Mrs Clarke, please don't worry. I'll put you in touch with a local support group. Don't hesitate to pop back if you've got any problems. Good luck.

SARA:
Thank you, (pause and talking to herself), long running TV show, blue box, travels in time (pause) Matt Smith?

THE DOCTOR SMILES POLITELY

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

Hulk Hogan and his Wife sit at separate desks.

COUNSEL
Please state your name to the
judge...

HULK
Hulk Hogan.

JUDGE
Sir, the matter of your divorce proceedings
cannot conclude unless you co-operate.
Now, for the third time, please address the
bench and state your real name.

HULK HOGAN
Hulk Hogan!

JUDGE
Not your ring name sir, your real name.

HULK HOGAN
I'm Hulk Hogan. That's my name brother!
Hulk Hogan!

JUDGE
Hulk Hogan is a character, please
state your legally recognised name.

JUDGE
Hulk! My fans are called 'Hulkamanics!'

JUDGE
That maybe so sir, but it isn't your real name.

HULK HOGAN
My movement is called 'Hulkamania.'

JUDGE
Hmm-mmmn.

HULK HOGAN
My T.Shirts and bandanas all say 'Hulk' on 'em!

JUDGE
I see.

HULK HOGAN
My logo is "Hulk Rules"

MRS. HOGAN
Y'see Judge? Y'see what crazy shit I've had to
live with for thirty years!?

JUDGE
Sir, I will declare this as void and throw
this hearing out of court unless you state
your real name!

HULK HOGAN
Hulk Hogan.

MRS. HOGAN
Terrence! Your real name is Terrence!

Hulk Hogan begins to weep.

JUDGE
This is a farce. Guards, take these people away,
case thrown out of court.

Hulk Hogan and his Wife are led out of the courtroom.

JUDGE
Could we hear the next case please?

COUNSEL
Your honour the court wish to present the following
case: Number 230681... In the matter of grevious
bodily harm, evasion of law enforcement officers
and willful damage of public property.

The courtroom doors open.

The Incredible Hulk enters in handcuffs, flanked by armed guards.

COUNSEL
Please state your name to the judge...

.

David Letterman:
So, David, Harper Seven, tell us more about how you came to choose such unusual names.

David Beckham:
Well, David, me an Vicky wanted something that represented the both of us, something that showed off our amazing contribution to the society what we both live in. Something heavenly, something genius.

David Letterman:
I see, so Harper..?

David Beckham:
That comes from Greek miffology, Harpers were goddess like creatures, beautiful winged maidens that graced the planets hundreds of years ago.

David Letterman:
Er, wasn't that a Harpie?

David Beckham:
(dejectedly)
Yeah, unfortunately we'd already ordered the T-Shirts.

David Letterman:
Right. So I guess Seven represents your time as the mercurial winger for Manchester United and England, a true legend and footballing genius.

David Beckham:
(sounding much more pleased with himself)
No, that was the result from my IQ test!

AMERICA 1920's - IN A DIMLY LIT ROOM ABOVE A BUTCHERS SHOP WE SEE A MAKESHIFT 'SPEAKEASY'.

TABLES FULL OF MEN DOT THE ROOM. THERE IS A BUZZ OF SMALLTALK WHILE THEY SWIG FROM BOTTLES OF BEER. TWO OF THE MEN, ONE LARGE IN BUILD, THE OTHER SKINNIER, ARE PLAYING CARDS.

THE SKINNY ONE MAKES TO SHUFFLE THE DECK BUT FUMBLES, SENDING CARDS FLYING INTO THE AIR. HE REACHES TO CATCH THEM BUT FALLS FACE FIRST ACROSS THE TABLE SENDING BOTTLES OF BEER ROLLING ONTO THE CONCRETE FLOOR WITH A SMASH.

THE OTHER MEN SCOWL AT HIM, ONE, WITH A SQUASHED BOXER'S NOSE, SCRAPES HIS CHAIR BACK AND IS ABOUT TO LUNGE WHEN THE LARGER MAN STANDS UP.

HE TAKES THE SKINNY ONES HAT OFF, BASHES HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH IT A FEW TIMES, THEN THROWS IT TO THE FLOOR BEFORE JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON IT, CRUSHING IT FLAT.

THE SKINNY MAN'S FACE CRUMPLES.

THE WHOLE ROOM HAS GATHERED AROUND TO GET A BETTER LOOK.

TWO OF THE ONLOOKERS ACCIDENTIALLY BUMP HEADS. ONE RAISES HIS FISTS AND THROWS A PUNCH. THE OTHER ONE RETURNS THE PUNCH AND A FIGHT BREAKS OUT. THE BOXER FACED BRUISER JUMPS ON AND AN ALMIGHTY SCRAP ENSUES. CHAIRS START FLYING THROUGH THE AIR AND BODIES SLIDE ACROSS TABLES.
BEER BOTTLE MISSILES ZOOM AROUND THE ROOM KNOCKING PEOPLE OUT COLD. THE FLOOR IS LITTERED WITH GROANING DRINKERS, THE REST FIGHT EACH OTHER LIKE MEN POSSESSED.

THE SKINNY MAN REMAINS IN THE SAME POSITION, BLINKING CONFUSEDLY AT THE COMMOTION AROUND HIM.

THE LARGE MAN PICKS UP THE CRUMPLED HAT FROM THE FLOOR, PLACES IT BACK ON THE SKINNY ONES HEAD, PATS ITS DOWN FIRMLY A FEW TIMES BEFORE TAKING HIM BY THE COLLAR AND MAKING FOR THE DOOR.

FISTS AND BEER BOTTLES CONTINUE TO FLY, BLOCKING THEIR WAY, THEY ARE FORCED TO CRAWL ON THEIR HANDS AND KNEES ON THE BEER SOAKED FLOOR AND OUT OF THE DOOR. THE STAIRWELL IS UNLIT AND THEY TUMBLE NOISLY TO THE BOTTOM.

THE SKINNY ONE GETS UP AND SCRATCHES THE TOP OF HIS HEAD AS IF IN PAIN.

THE LARGE ONE STANDS UP AND BRUSHES DOWN HIS RUINED SUIT. HE PLUCKS A STRAY BEER BOTTLE TOP FROM THE SEAT OF HIS TROUSERS AND FLICKS IT AT THE OTHER MAN. IT BOUNCES OFF HIS NOSE.

LARGE MAN
Well Stan, that's another fine mess you've got us into.

END.

INT. POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY

DETECTIVE CHIEF INSPECTOR ARSARELBO AND HIS FAITHFUL ASSISTANT SERGEANT PIGGS ARE INTERVIEWING A SUSPECT

ARSARELBO:
You're going down for this one. This time tomorrow you'll be touching your toes like a ballerina.

SUSPECT:
Can we cut a deal? I can name names.

PIGGS:
What do you know?

SUSPECT:
That bank job last week: it was Nick Indoe

PIGGS:
Was he on his own?

SUSPECT:
No, he had an accomplice, Ade Anderbett.

PIGGS:
What about the jewellery store heist?

SUSPECT:
Ste Lingold and Rob Ingrings.

PIGGS:
Who's behind the car thefts?

SUSPECT:
Jack Inamotor

PIGGS:
The illegal immigrants?

SUSPECT:
Hugh Mantrafficer

PIGGS:
The sexual assaults?

SUSPECT:
Ray Pingoften

ARSARELBO:
You know your stuff; I think we can cut a deal. Here's the clincher: who's been calling me fat on facebook?

SUSPECT:
Si Bubully.

ARSARELBO:
You're free to go.

John - I'm going to start a cash and carry business.

Bob - What are you going to call it?

John - I thought "Nelsons" would be good.

Bob - Why Nelsons?

John - He was a great hero, wasn't he!

Bob - Yeah... but he was no wholesaler...

LIEUTENANT SAM STRAIGHT IS TALKING TO THE CHIEF OF POLICE.

Straight:
I think it's time I got back out on the streets Boss.

Chief:
If you think you're ready... Then we need to get you a new partner.

Straight:
No way! From now on I'm going solo. Mano a oneo, do you kapisch me?

Chief:
Let's get this straight Straight. None of my guys goes out on the precinct alone.

Straight:
But I ain't never gonna find a guy like Scotty Stand, I don't need to tell you that! Our names went together so well boss.

Chief:
I know, I know but maybe you can have that same magic with someone else, have you heard of Frankie Dire?

Straight:
He's already been snapped up by Harry Higher boss.

Chief:
Damn! Ok ok what have we got.... ah here we go! Bobby Narrow

Straight:
Didn't he just team up with Mickey Mind?

Chief:
I thought Mickey Mind's partner was Bob Bender! Well in that case.....

Straight::
No way! Besides I think Bobby Benders now with Sean Shaper.

Chief:
Have you ever thought of changing your name to Daisy? Because I know Billy Whoops is looking for a right hand Man.

Straight:
That's enough Chief, just put me with the best guy for the job, it don't matter what his name is or how good it sounds.

Chief:
Hey Hey! Let's not go crazy here... we'll find you someone Sam..... hey how about this guy
Chris Curyus

Straight:
Straight & Curious?

Chief:
Me too! C'mon let's hit the showers.

Straight: (Loosening his tie)
He get's me everytime.

INT: OFFICE

SUE: I can't find my mobile anywhere guys, could one of you give my phone a call please?

KERRY: Sure.

GEOFF: I can hear it. It's coming from over there.

KERRY: Sounds like it's slipped down the back of your desk.

SCOTT: Here, I'll get it for you.

SUE: Oh that's so sweet.

SCOTT: If I'm so sweet, why does my number come up as 'Dick Head'?

SUE: It does?

GEOFF: You've got his number saved in your phone under 'Dick Head' and you
don't know about it.

SUE: I know how it got there, but it's not his number... it's someone else's number.

SCOTT: I see, and that's why you've got 2 missed calls from Nosy Bitch...

KERRY: Who are you calling a Nosy Bitch?

SUE: Definitely not you.

SCOTT: And Hugh Cox.

SUE: and definitely not you either.

EXT. WILD WEST. TWO GUNSLINGERS ARE HIDING BEHIND ROCKS AND SHOUTING AT EACH OTHER. GUN 1: I got a bullet with your name on it.... GUN 2: Yeah, well I'm the Man With No Name... GUN 1: I know that, it's a blank round.

My vote is for Stevie Sunshine