Fun Fair

A YOUNG COUPLE STROLL HAND IN HAND THROUGH A FUNFAIR.
THEY COME TO A SMALL TENT ADORNED WITH SILVER STARS AND MOONS - A SIGN OUTSIDE SAYS - 'LADY LULA - RENOUNED FORTUNE TELLER'

THE YOUNG COUPLE PUSH EACH OTHER PLAYFULLY TOWARDS THE SILVERY FRINGED OPENING, THE BOY PEEPS IN AND AS HE DOES SO THE GIRL GIVES HIM A MIGHTY SHOVE AND HE FLIES INSIDE.

SHE PEEPS IN AFTER HIM BUT CAN SEE NOTHING BUT BLACKNESS, SHE STEPS BACK AND WAITS OUTSIDE.

TEN MINUTES PASS AND THERE IS NO SIGN OF THE BOY COMING BACK OUT.

HER CURIOSITY CAN WAIT NO LONGER AND SHE STEPS IN THROUGH THE SILVERY FRINGE.

WE SEE A WIZENED OLD WOMAN WEARING A BLACK BANDANA SITTING AT A TABLE, SHE HOLDS A FLUFFY WHITE CAT. THE SCENT OF INCENSE FILLS THE SPACE WITH AN OVERPOWERING PURFUME.

PERCHED ON LITTLE STOOL IS A BIRD OF PARADISE, A LAMB BLEATS IN A CORNER, A PAIR OF PIGLETS SNUFFLE TOGETHER, WHILE A PUPPY LAPS AT A BOWL OF WATER.

THE CAT STARTS TO PURR, LEAPS OFF THE OLD WOMAN'S LAP AND SCRATCHES AT A SIGN JUST INSIDE THE CURTAINED OPENING.

'REINCARNATION WORKSHOP - TUESDAYS ONLY'

THE CAT WINKS AT THE GIRL AND BLOWS HER A KISS.

Too long and I didn't find the pay-off funny I'm afraid.

There's too much detail in the script e.g. 'THE SCENT OF INCENSE FILLS THE SPACE WITH AN OVERPOWERING PURFUME.' - The audience can't smell what the place is like, so why say it?

At least acknowledge the effort, I think this could work.

All she did was set the scene what are you supposed to do f**king guess!

Go and draw some more one line Nazi hamsters !

I understand it (I think), and have no problem with the writing. but just wasn't amused by it.

If you are happy with it, maybe you should change the cat to a kitten (or have a newborn kitten somewhere) to reinforce the reincarnation aspect (you wouldn't go into a fully grown cat).

Added a couple of lines as I realised if it's a workshop there would be more than one participant! Thanks for the comments. I've made it longer now but I don't get anyway why everything has to be as short as possible, there's times when that's ok but not everytime.

It's nicely constructed but I struggle to see what the joke is.

Really? The boy has been turned into a cat on reincarnation day...not a winner by the looks of it.

I'd have stopped at 'REINCARNATION WORKSHOP - TUESDAYS ONLY', the last line didn't quite have the legs...

Was 'Purfume' supposed to be a pun..?

No, just a spelling mistake.... may as well leave it in now though.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ July 18 2011, 12:03 PM BST

At least acknowledge the effort, I think this could work.

All she did was set the scene what are you supposed to do f**king guess!

Go and draw some more one line Nazi hamsters !

View original

Maybe if we point out to you when you're coming across as aggressive, you'll learn how to stop?

It is better now, but perhaps one more tweak:

the sign outside could point more towards what will happen, as in "Your Future Revealed" or "See What The Future Has In Store For You" or "Step Into Your Future"

I don't think that will work, I just write in the way I speak
I'm a scouser and I know it can seem like its aggressive, but its not honestly.

I can't change who I am and I don't want to change who I am, there's no malice there its just a regional variation.
Its blunt and at times it may seem abrupt but it is what is I'm afraid.

In the post quoted the man was being quite dismissive of the other posters work, he had just put up a cartoon that to my mind was Wiemar Republic shit at its worse , just basic jew baiting with no real comedic value, an almost lowest common denominator piece .
I thought and still do that the response was reasonable.

What is it? a sort of keyboard Tourettes

I think so, but as I talk the same as everyone in my area I think its a regional variation of Courgettes.

Nae excuse Teddy Boy. I'm from Glasgow...the city that puts two positive sentiments 'aye' and 'right' together to create a shorthand for f**k off. If I can sound non-confrontational, so can you