Conjoined twins, Thelma and Louis, are discussing plans for their 16th birthday party. Thelma wants to wear a glamorous pink off the shoulder number and when Louis agrees without a fight she begins to question his sexuality.
Episode One: Not with my arse you don't..!
INT. DEBENHAMS - DAY
THELMA
What do you think?
LOUIS
Mmmmm, I like it.
THELMA
You do?
Louis pouts and twirls.
LOUIS
Yeah, it's really quite fetching.
Let's get it.
Thelma looks surprised.
THELMA
Well, I am surprised.
The left hand slides up the front of the dress and over one breast, the right hand swings and catches Louis across the cheek.
THELMA
Okay, don't get fresh.
LOUIS
Ow, what was that for?
THELMA
I've told you, don't get fresh
with the titties.
LOUIS
But they're OUR titties..!
Thelma looks resolutely at Louis.
THELMA
Yes, and when you grow up you can
have one but at the moment you're
just not mature enough.
LOUIS
No? So how come Terry Pritchard
gets to cop a feel, then?
THELMA
Because Terry Pritchard doesn't
suddenly lob one out and shout
out 'jelly tots' at the top of
his voice, well, not on the top
deck of the number nine bus he
don't.
LOUIS
But...
THELMA
Just shut it, Louis, and unzip me,
we've got a party to go to,
remember?
INT. BEDROOM - EVENING
Thelma applies her make up, Louis watches quietly.
THELMA
So who have you invited?
LOUIS
Oh, the usual, Lenny, Benny,
Denny, Renny, Kenny...
THELMA
Kenny? Kenny Philpotts?
LOUIS
Yeah, why?
THELMA
You can't have invited him, I've
invited him.
LOUIS
Well he's my friend.
THELMA
Sometimes I just don't f**king
believe you, Louis.
LOUIS
What..? Me and Kenny are best
mates, we sit together in class,
we play football together. It was
Kenny Philpotts that crossed the
ball for to me score with that
last minute diving header against
St Dunstons last year.
THELMA
That's as maybe but I've been
setting this date up for weeks
now and now you have to go and
spoil it all.
Thelma dries a tear.
THELMA
Anyway, that goal was mine, I got
the last touch.
Thelma sits sulking with her back to Louis.
THELMA
Just a minute, when exactly did
you invite Kenny?
LOUIS
Last Thursday, why?
THELMA
Aha, well I asked him on the
Wednesday so that makes him my
date.
Thelma turns and flicks her hair.
THELMA
So, when Kenny turns up, you say a
quick hello then you f**k off,
right?
LOUIS
But...
THELMA
Just shut it, Louis. Come on, I
need to go piss.
INT. TOILET - DAY
Thelma and Louis straddle the toilet and take a stand up piss.
Thelma wraps several layers of toilet paper around her hand and pats dry, disposes and flushes.
THELMA
Okay, you can look now.
LOUIS
What's with all this wrap and pat
stuff?
THELMA
You don't think I'm touching that
with my bare hands, do you?
LOUIS
But...
THELMA
Just shut it, Louis and pull up.
Louis pulls up, the thong rips into him.
LOUIS
Jesus, Thelma...
Thelma laughs.
LOUIS
Do we have to wear these? I feel
like a Swiss cheese. Can't we go
commando?
THELMA
Well, we could if you didn't keep
leaving shit all over the seats.
Come on, that's the doorbell...
INT. - FRONT ROOM - EVENING
The party's swinging, drinks flow, balloons pop, kids get on down, dads, er, dads dance.
THELMA
Is he looking?
LOUIS
Who?
THELMA
What do you mean, who? Kenny..!!
Louis glances across the room, Kenny Philpotts, Bud in hand, slow dances with himself, he catches Louis' gaze, pouts and licks his top lip seductively. Louis wilts.
Thelma watches in the mirror.
LOUIS
Listen, I'm gonna go say a quick
hello to Kenny, why don't you go
have a dance or something?
Thelma grabs Louis by the hair and drags him into the kitchen.
MELANIE CARTWRIGHT
Oooh, hello you two, super party.
THELMA
F**k off..!!!
Melanie makes a swift exit. Louis' head bangs off the fridge door.
THELMA
Right, you little bastard, what's
going on?
LOUIS
Wwwwhat you talking about..?
Thelma's right fist lands in the stomach, Louis winces in pain.
THELMA
Do you think I'm f**king blind, I
saw yous.
Thelma grabs the thong and wedges it tight, Louis' eyes water.
LOUIS
All right, all right, I submit...
Thelma releases her grip.
THELMA
This better be good.
Louis painfully wrangles the thong from his arse.
LOUIS
You remember a couple of weeks
back at the school gymnastics
display? We were half way through
a double salchow with a piked
tzukahara when we unexpectedly
slipped.
THELMA
And..?
LOUIS
It looked like we were about to
come a cropper when Kenny
Philpotts raced up and corrected
our balance.
THELMA
So..?
LOUIS
If you remember you slapped
Kenny's face and accused him of
copping a quick feel.
THELMA
It was an accident, his hand
simply slipped, that's all.
LOUIS
All four fingers?
THELMA
What you getting at Louis?
Louis stalls.
LOUIS
Well,it was probably an accident,
but, whilst Kenny was giving you
a four fingered shuffle he...
THELMA
He what?
LOUIS
He slipped his thumb into my, our,
bottom.
THELMA
Eeuuggghhh!!!! He what?
Thelma looks disgusted.
THELMA
But he helped me up. The dirty
bastard stuck his thumb up your
arse and then put his dirty
f**king mitts all over me.
Eeeuurgh...!
Thelma goes to the sink and scrubs at her arm.
LOUIS
Don't get so uptight, it was our
shit.
THELMA
Yes, Louis, but normally when the
shit leaves our arse I don't
usually like any further contact
with it again.
Thelma sniffs at her arm continues to scrub.
THELMA
Anyway, you still haven't
explained how one accidental anal
probe gives you the impression
you got first dibs on officer
dabble out there. I think four
fingers beats one thumb hands
down, or in this case, hands up.
LOUIS
I don't think it was an accident.
THELMA
What..?
LOUIS
I saw him in the changing rooms
afterwards, he was sniffing his
hand and smiling...
Thelma heads for the door.
THELMA
Right, that's it, the dirty
bastard's outa here!
As Thelma opens the door Kenny Philpotts enters.
KENNY
Hey, happy birthday, you two, I've
brought you a box of chocolates.
Thelma starts to wretch.
LOUIS
Er, pass...
Thelma launches into Kenny, she snatches the chocolates and slings them.
THELMA
You can take your chocolate box
and shove it up your own
chocolate box, this chocolate box
is strictly off limits, now do
one, you f**king freak.
Kenny lowers his head in shame.
KENNY
How did you find out?
THELMA
Did you really think you could
shag Louis behind my back without
me noticing?
KENNY
But I love you both, I have more
than enough love for you both.
THELMA
Sorry, sicko, I'd heard there was
something weird about you. Well
one pole into two holes just work
for us, on your your bike.
Kenny stands puzzled.
KENNY
One pole? I thought...
Kenny laughs out loud, drops his trousers and reveals himself.
THELMA/LOUIS
F**king hell!
Standing there in all his glory Kenny reveals his old man, a rather chunky and lengthy conjoined cock.
Thelma and Louis look to each other with glee.
THELMA/LOUIS
Oooooo.....
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Thelma and Louis' heads rock wildly from side to side as they both enjoy the thrills of double penetrative sex.
THELMA
Happy birthday, bro...
LOUIS
Happy birthday, Sis...
