British Comedy Guide

Deepest Darkest

A man a white cotton suit is sitting behind a large desk in an office.

On his desk there is a photo of the man standing next to an Elephant
Next to the photo is an electric fan that is on full blast.
There is a large window that has blinds on. Outside the window you can hear elephants.
The walls are covered in photos of the man with animals.

There is a knock on the office door.

The man looks up.

A young man dressed as a white hunter suddenly falls in and staggers across the room he falls across a half open drinks cabinet smashing glasses and knocking bottles all over the floor. He then sluggishly moves toward the desk, then falls unconscious across it sending files, fan and photo shooting across the room.

The man behind the desk jumps up and rushes out the room, along a thin corridor and rushes out the door, and we see that there are three other young men dressed as white hunters, the middle one is holding a rifle.
The man in the white suit sees the three men and screams at the one with the rifle.

Man in White Suit
(Outrageous Scouse Accent)
"How many times I have told you dickheads about f**king around with that tranquiliser gun, you're gonna end up getting us shut down!"

Pans back to three white hunters who are looking rather sheepish.
Pans further back and we can see they are standing under a sign that reads Knowsley Safari Park.

It's potentially a nice scene in a larger piece, but as a sketch there's not enough to it in my view

Its just a little thing more than anything, I thought it was a funny idea so I put it up.
I don't really expect to ever get in a sketch show as my bag is Sitcoms I just put stuff up like this to see if its funny.
The length and breadth is important if you making a suit, I'm happy making hankies at the moment, just to keep my hand in.

I liked the picture you painted, I could imagine it, so think it's well written. I'm not sure of the surprise element you were aiming for though, why did he come out into a car park? that took away any expectation that they were on a safari and the hunter in the office was trampled by an elephant, therefore spoiling the rest of it...if that's what was being implied?

Good point, I took the car park out and its better for it.

This is the kind of stuff Monty Python were doing years ago, and that's a compliment not a slate...

I thought the intro was too verbose, too descriptive, it needs to be a sharp as the punchline which, as I've said before, dialogue is definitely your strongest point...

Nice one, you c**t (empathetically speaking...)

Thanks Red, I've stop swearing to posters now, I'm a more mellow and have adapted an Estuary English accent and Christian like approach to everything.

I don't think the intro is too descriptive. He is only saying how he would want the sketch to look, It's not as if all of those words are going to be read out by someone.

It's a nice enough reveal, but do the staff at UK safari parks dress as hunters?

I forgot to do an in depth study of current uniform regulations, I should have searched the web and if I could not uncover the relevant data then I should have at least rang the park and spoke to the manager to see if he would confirm the fact in writing and send it over to me by dispatch rider prior to my posting, I can only apologise.

Describing them as "dressed as a white hunter" threw me a bit, as it took my imagination in a different direction so I had to read back a couple of times to get what is going on. Do you just mean they are dressed as safari park wardens?

Also I am not sure where Knowsley is (I am guessing inner city Liverpool), but that is probably just me being ignorant and Southern.

Having overcome those obstacles ... it still doesn't do much for me, but that just may be a failure of imagination on my part. The humour is going to come from the performances, and that is quite hard to sell on paper.

I have a version on Papyrus but that's even harder to sell.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ July 16 2011, 12:01 PM BST

I forgot to do an in depth study of current uniform regulations, I should have searched the web and if I could not uncover the relevant data then I should have at least rang the park and spoke to the manager to see if he would confirm the fact in writing and send it over to me by dispatch rider prior to my posting, I can only apologise.

The problem is Teddy, you need some sense of logic in a sketch. If they do wear safari uniforms then it's fine, but otherwise you're giving yourself license to adapt reality wherever you want to suit a joke. You don't really want to leave any room for the audience to be questioning the sketch.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ July 16 2011, 12:04 PM BST

I have a version on Papyrus but that's even harder to sell.

Hieroglyphics are good for describing visual humour.

Quote: Timbo @ July 16 2011, 12:17 PM BST

Hieroglyphics are good for describing visual humour.

Cave paintings are my preferred method.

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