Scientology bit

Little stand up piece I have been considering, with the voices being done by myself, not a sketch.

This is the first draft.

By the way, I don't care if TP likes it or not.

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Has anyone heard of Scientology? It's quite bonkers, started off by a pulp science fiction author called L Ron Hubbard, who once said "If you want to get rich, start a religion".

It's one of those things that costs a bloody fortune, so it's mainly rich, gullible Americans like Tom Cruise and John Travolta who join.

In a nutshell, they tell people they have the souls of aliens inside them, which are responsible for all our bad feelings. The more you pay, the more you learn, which is startlingly similar to our current education system. I like to think that when someone reaches the very last level they hand over their million dollars and are ushered into the very innermost candle lit chamber. Then, a robed figure chants a bit and waves incense, before he solemnly looks at them and says:

"John Travolta, are you ready to learn the final secret of Scientology?"

"Yes, grand Master, I am"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure"

"Okay.... If you're really sure"

"Tell me the secret, O exalted one"

"Right. The final secret of Scientology is.... We made it all up"

"What?"

"Yeah, it's all bollocks - don't let the door hit your ass on the way out."

"But I've spent millions getting to this point!"

"Hey - life sucks sometimes. Uh.. Do us one favour, would you?"

"What?"

"Don't tell Tom Cruise - his last cheque hasn't cleared yet..."

Quote: Lady Laughter @ July 14 2011, 1:47 PM BST

Has anyone heard of Scientology?

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I understand this is a link to explain what it is but I cringe when comics to this. It's a bit weak. Would this piece be the start or is it just a random segment? The punchline is a bit weak too, although the "cheque cleared" bit is ok, I suppose.

Quote: Lady Laughter @ July 14 2011, 1:47 PM BST

"Right. The final secret of Scientology is....

View original

At this point you have the opportunity to completely rip the "religion" apart. Take all your anger out on it, tell the people what you really think and why it bothers you so much you feel the need to tell your audience and to put it in your routine. "Yeah - it's all bollocks" is a bit of an anti-climax, plus bollocks isn't very American (considering you were doing voices).

I though the Grand Master's voice would suit English better, so wasn't gonna do an impression.

Part of me wants to rip it apart, but that's too easy and time consuming, with the laughs coming from its own absurdity, rather than myself.

I hate it when comics do that! It would just be me saying "This is what Scientology is about - isn't it funny!" I DO hate it, but cannot be Bill Hicks, much as I'd love to. He would have LOVED Scientology!

Not bad, LL, made me snicker. But scientology is so rich in parodying possibilities that surely you can make more of this, no?

Also, I always feel it's a bit "safe" when people have a go at scientology without referencing other religious movements; they are ALL f***ing crackers, sorry, Christianity, Islam, Judaiism, and the rest.

Good point, it just came out of a chat I was having, so I jotted it down. WOuld like to expand on it, but the small premise here made me chuckle as a mid set piece to get a laugh or two.

Hmmm... maybe a better payoff line would be me saying "I hear a very similar thing happens in the Vatican"

good line?

Maybe. Altho I do actually find the Tom Cruise cheque line quite funny anyway. I feel that this could definitely work well, but within the context of something bigger -- a longer stand up segment?

Too on the nose in my view. One of the problems with truly ridiculous funny events is it's hard to make them funnier than they are.

I'd have a look and my view would be counterpoint it. Make it sound like your hugely into scientology.

The intro was piss poor, explaining things is never a good sign, so I stopped at that point.
If I was in a club and you opened with that line I would go the bar.
If you work on the intro I may be tempted to go further, but at this time I am only prepared to lambaste the opening.

Also Scientology has much more funny stuff.

Including the fact that the Cruiser can apparently fly thanks to his elevated status.

Still getting used to this upfront criticism, and I feel I have a cheek saying anything because a) I have just joined and b) I have not posted anything, yet. But if I am being honest, I didnt find it funny at all. Maybe not my kind of humour, though

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ July 14 2011, 3:16 PM BST

but at this time I am only prepared to lambaste the opening.

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That's nice of you.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ July 14 2011, 3:16 PM BST

but at this time I am only prepared to baste my opening.

View original

That's rather forward of you.

The opening was poor, if it got better I would read on, if it was brilliant after that I would actually say so, what more could I say?

Hee, Teddy! You won't read a couple of paragraphs but you expected others to read your opus? Cheeky bugger.

I know its pathetic, but it helps.