INT - GREEN ROOM - EVENING
Jerry is practising his heckler retorts in the mirror.
JERRY:
Hey, that's in Bulgaria, isn't it? Isn't that in Bulgaria?
FRANKIE BOIL enters.
FRANKIE:
Hey, little man, you still at it?
JERRY:
You know what they say, Mr Boil, practice makes perfect.
FRANKIE:
Listen, son, no amount of practice can help you once you're out there, you're on your own, you gotta think standing on your feet. You've got to spot the troublemaker early and go straight for jugular, show no mercy, take no prisoners, that's my advice.
GREEN ROOM TANNOY:
Two minutes, Mr Ball.
Jerry takes a deep breath.
FRANKIE:
Remember, son, you only have to warm them up, not cremate them, that's my job...
COMPARE:
Mr Jerry Balllllllll.....
Jerry enters stage right.
JERRY:
Good evening everybody, my name's Jerry Ball...
Two female patrons at the front giggle. Jerry pounces.
JERRY:
Oh, we got a couple of wise guys, have we? Well let me tell you, pal, you're nothing but a bucket full shit from the arse of a goneritic camel. You're scum!
The audience sit in silence. One of the women appears upset and stands up to leave.
JERRY:
Aha, you don't like it when the man gives it back, do you? You decrepit old kangaroo cock sucker. Go on, go take your face for a shite, you c**t.
The shocked woman's friend stands and follows her into the toilet.
JERRY:
Hey, look, her dyke mate wants to get in on the action. Just look at the f**king state of that. Call yourself a Goth? Ninja f**king turtle more like. F**king fanny noshers, don't they make you sick?.
The audience continue to sit in stone silence as Jerry starts to wind up his act.
JERRY:
Well, they say a comedian's only as good as his audience and tonight, ladies and gentlemen, you've been brilliant...
Jerry points to the two women stood weeping at the bar.
JERRY:
All except you two bastards, that is. My name's Jerry Ball, good night and God bless...
Jerry exits stage right to murmured dissent.
INT - GREEN ROOM - EVENING
Frankie Boil stands practicing his poses in the mirror. Jerry enters brimming full of confidence.
JERRY:
God, I'm on fire...
FRANKIE:
Way to go, son, start as you mean to go on.
GREEN ROOM TANNOY:
Two minutes Mr Boil! Oh, and by the way, Frankie, there's a couple of highly distressed nuns in the audience, any chance you could lay off the religious stuff tonight?
Jerry's face burns scarlet. Frankie puts a friendly arm around Jerry.
FRANKIE:
You know what, son, when you're starting out in this game there's three areas of comedy you really need to learn to avoid, Religion, Racism and Retards, you just got burned but you're young, you'll learn.
COMPARE:
Mr Frankie Boylllllle...!!
The audience cheer wildy.
FRANKIE:
Good evening everybody, my name's Frankie Boil...
The two nuns giggle, Frankie pounces.
FRANKIE:
Hello, looks like we have a couple of friends of Batman here, you two sisters?
The crowd laugh and cheer.
FRANKIE:
Where's Cinderella?
The two nuns squeal with laughter.
FRANKIE:
You two fat bitches remind me of the two nuns sitting in maternity, the midwife says 'Christmas party?' The nun says 'No, Benedictus.'
The place falls about laughing.
INT - GREEN ROOM - EVENING
Jerry listens enthusiastically to Frankie's routine on the tannoy.
GREEN ROOM TANNOY:
Hey, that Pope's a right c**t isn't he? Ex f**king Nazi! Just as well they made wax out of those f**kers, six million candles runs out quite expensive, especially on top of the gas bill.
Crowd screams with laughter.
GREEN ROOM TANNOY:
Anyway, this spastic walks into a bar...
Jerry smiles to himself in the mirror.
JERRY:
One day, son, you'll be a class act too, and no mistake...
GREEN ROOM TANNOY:
And I don't think he was born like that anyway, I reckon one of her tits exploded and knocked the poor liitle f**ker senseless...
I've been Frankie Boil and you've been shit, good night and God bless!
The audience stand and wildly cheer for more...
