Get Ready To Laugh . . . .

Ok maybe you won't laugh, or even smirk. But anyway, here comes another sketch.
Would board members please leave a critique if you read it and have time? Because of them all this is the only one I've done that I like and am submitting to be made/uploaded online.
Thanks a lot...

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FADE IN:

* title card - "... LOSING YOUR FRONT DOOR KEY ..."
* * voiceover - smooth, clear, deep and educational.

A man named Jack gets to his front door, reaches into his pocket.

[VOICEOVER] One: First you think it is just
a regular day.

Jack realises his pocket is empty. He sighs.

[VOICEOVER] Two: You become ever so slightly panicked
but still confident all will be okay.

Jack searches pocket again, then checks other pockets, looks all around, checks the floor.

[VOICEOVER] Three: Your confidence and gentle
panic turns into confusion and fear...

Jack's face reddens. He rechecks pockets. Lays contents out on step. starts patting himself down.

[VOICEOVER] Four: The fear gives way to
critical self-judgement...

Jack kicks the step. Takes off his jacket and shakes it down. He checks the front door, won't budge.

[VOICEOVER] Five: Self-judgement slowly devolves
into anger...

Jack starts to check the windows. All fastened except a small upstairs bathroom one. He checks the stability of the drainpipe.

[VOICEOVER] Six: Anger breeds irrationality...

Jack steps a foot up onto the drainpipe bracket.

[VOICEOVER] Seven: Irrationality gives way to a misjudgement
of one's own physicality.

Jack climbs higher and higher. The drainpipe's attaching screws begin to slowly unwind, the distance from pipe to wall grows wider.

[VOICEOVER] Eight: Misjudgement clouds reason
and dissolves into regret.

Snap! The screws pop out the wall, the drainpipe falls away. Jack slips and let's go. He falls to the ground. The fall breaks his back and splits his head.
Blood begins to pool around him. Jack's eyes stare upward as all sign of life slowly leaves his body.

[VOICEOVER] Nine: Regret will often turn into
a state of crystal clear hindsight.

The front door opens from within. Jack's Wife stands in the doorway.
She sees the broken body of her husband and screams aloud.

FADE OUT:
______________________________________________________________________

Sorry Jack, but it didn't raise a titter, let alone the Titanic.

This is a surprisingly clever sketch, it amused and caught me out which is pretty rare

the humour coming mainly from a tonal shift

Tht said intro could be shorter and the guy could get mor desperate

Good sketch Jack. I'm with Sooty on this one. If you are going to film it though, it will need clever execution to make it as funny off-page. Don't skimp on the retakes.

All narrative is about escalation, but it is also about a reversal of expectation. I'm not sure we get that here. But I will give you it is off the wall.

You are probably right there Marc.

I'd add that this is obviously not an original idea in terms the basic premise of, "man thinks he is locked out so man tries to enter house by climbing drainpipe only to find someone in/door is open".

Laurel and Hardy did this.

What made me laugh was my own imagination of the tone of the narrator when the sketch went dark as the guy actually ends up dead and his wife is genuinely distressed.

L&L defo didn't do that.

I think I may have seen a similar scenario in the 1937 Kreigsmarine training film 'Achtung Das Latch'.

That aside the plot description and voice over all come together to make a very good sketch.

Losing keys, a common occurance that happens to everyone from time to time, so as I was reading I was waiting for it to get more funny as it went along, but afraid for me it didn't. I liked the idea of the voiceover contrasting with the reality,but think you could have done more woth this sketch. The shock ending for me didn't work as the build up wasn't funny enough. Sorry I can't be more positive on this one.
Maybe if there was a title like 'what not to do in an emergency'? and you could have other sketches to go with it?

I think if the intro was more of a sketch in and of it's self then the twist may work better.

It would be good to get Anton Rogers for the voiceover if, in fact, he is not dead himself. If he is, then maybe you can sample his voice from the many shows he has done (word by word) to make up the narrators script? I'm sure his Estate won't mind, assuming he drove one. If he isn't dead yet then maybe he'll work cheap for 'Art's sake'? Just ideas... [N.B. he is dead, just checked on Wiki..]

it's ok.. I tend to agree with what others are saying with regards to originality and the twist at the end wasn't unexpected. I think there is hope for the sketch though.. funniest line for me was

"[VOICEOVER] Seven: Irrationality gives way to a misjudgement
of one's own physicality."

I think the whole thing needs to be pushed further and the twist at the end needs to be really unexpected, maybe we could be lead to think someone is gunna turn out to be in or its simply the wrong house then BAM! something out of the blue and maybe even surreal. I don't know what that thing is.. but yeah, something

Thanks so much for leaving replies!

12 hours a lot can happen though. Ive made a few non-comedy short films which I never question but sketches feel like a novelty so am trying to get it right, a friend has a discount deal with Kodak as part of his graduation thing and we'll get to shoot 35mm for the first time in seven years so because he wanted comedy I came up with this.

However, having posted it up on a filmmaking forum when asking a question about colour correcting the sky, the overnight traffic from American posters warned me the premise is unoriginal. There were links to Laurel and Hardy as Frankie said - which I had NO knowledge of, there was a link to a commercial where a guys drops his keys down the drain and bad things happen, more worryingly there was a link to the following animated sketch which is a similar concept to mine but ONE MILLION times funnier. So am axing my script and we're going with a Tim Burton inspired arty piece instead (non comedy)

Read this though... This is hilarious...

A giraffe is sinking in quicksand, struggling to get out.

Giraffe: Uh-oh.

["Stage One: Denial"]

Giraffe: It's no big deal. It's probably not even quicksand. I'm gonna have a good laugh about this tonight with the guys. [Laughs nervously.]

["Stage Two: Anger"]

Giraffe: Well, this is just f**king perfect!! Stupid quicksand! Stupid jungle! Ah! I wanna bite someone in the face! Motherf**ker!!! Motherf**ker!!! Motherf**k!!! Ahh! F**k!!! That stupid jungle! Uhh!! Fuuuuuuuuck!!!

["Stage Three: Bargaining"]

Giraffe: Are you there, God? It's me, Giraffe. Li-listen if you could just give me a mulligan on this quicksand thing, I promise, I promise, no more peeing on your shorter creatures. [Laughs nervously.] We got a deal?

["Stage Four: Depression"]

Giraffe: [Screams and cries.] MOMMY!!

["Stage Five: Acceptance"]

Giraffe: You know somethin'? I'm cool with this. I-I bet, I bet heaven has all the tender leaves I can eat and everyone gets their own Slurpee machine. Yeah! Take me sweet death! I await your loving embrace! [The sinking stops.] What? I think I hit the bottom. [The giraffe struggles with no avail.] F**k...

Definitely prefer the giraffe version. Although I wouldn't class depression as screaming and crying for your mother. I think a more downbeat portrayal would work better.

Having worked with several Giraffes, I would say its reactions were realistic.

I'm not disagreeing with you learned opinion, just saying it comes across more like panic and fear than depression. Although, I think you deserve full credit for all your selfless work with emotionally disturbed giraffes.