Newmans Sat Nav

This is one we did a while ago and I don't think it's been posted before.

I've put a marker where it COULD finish early to make snappier and Gav could animate.

Comments welcome.

NEWMAN'S SAT NAV

SCENE INSIDE NEWMAN'S CAR. MIKE IS DRIVING, SARA IS IN THE FRONT PASSENGER SEAT AND HANNAH WITH HEADPHONES ON AND LANCE WITH A HAND-HELD GAME ARE SITTING IN THE BACK.

SAT NAV VOICE :
At the next junction take the next turning on the left.

SARA :
These sat nav's are a wonderful invention Mike.

MIKE :
Nah - they're not all they're cracked up to be.

SARA :
Rubbish. Without it we'd be lost by now. You'd have taken the wrong turning miles back.

LANCE :
Is it really a man in the box looking at a map mum?

SARA :
Don't be silly Lance.

LANCE (LOOKING ANGRILY AT HANNAH) :
Well that's what Hannah said.

HANNAH GRINS SMUGGLY

SAT NAV VOICE :
Take the second turning off the next roundabout.

MIKE :
Well he's got that wrong for a start. I know for a fact it's the third turning.

SARA :
But Mike, the sat nav knows best.

MIKE :
Look - I remember this journey from last year.

SARA (AS THEY PASS THE SECOND TURNING) :
Mike!

MIKE (AS THEY TAKE THE THIRD EXIT) :
Look - who's driving this car?

SAT NAV VOICE :
Turn round at the next opportunity.

SARA :
See - I told you.

MIKE (STUBBORNLY) :
I know what I'm doing.

THEY CARRY ON DRIVING.

SAT NAV VOICE :
I said - turn round at the next opportunity.

MIKE LOOKS DAGGERS AT THE SAT-NAV. SARA LOOKS DAGGERS AT MIKE. LANCE LOOKS EXCITED.

MIKE PUTS HIS FOOT DOWN AND STARTS LA-LA'ING TO HIMSELF.

SAT NAV VOICE :
You're going to be sorry!

SARA :
Are you sure you know where we're going?

MIKE :
I am totally in control.

SARA :
Mike - it's a dead-end!

MIKE BRAKES HARD AS THEY COME TO A SIGN AND BARRIER ACROSS THE ROAD SAYING ROAD CLOSED.

MIKE :
Damn!

SARA :
Who knows best?

MIKE IS STUBBORNLY QUIET.

SARA :
Who knows best?

MIKE STILL SITS THERE IN SILENCE.

SARA (SHOUTS) :
Mike!

SAT NAV VOICE :
I told you so!

MIKE :
Shut that thing up!

???????????????????????????????

PROVISIONAL END

?????????????????????????????

SARA :
That's the only way we'll get there.

MIKE :
Stupid machine.

SAT NAV VOICE :
Right - that does it! Bye!

SAT NAV TURNS ITSELF OFF.

LANCE :
Wow - this is great!

MIKE :
Give me the map.

SARA :
What map?

MIKE :
Didn't you bring it?

SARA :
You burnt it last time we got lost. Now switch the sat nav on.

MIKE :
I am not taking orders from a machine.

SARA (SHOUTING) :
Mike!

MIKE :
OK, OK, OK!

MIKE SWITCHES THE SAT NAV ON AGAIN.

SAT NAV :
Hello - this is your sat-nav speaking.

MIKE :
How do we get back?

SAT NAV VOICE :
Say sorry first!

MIKE :
I'm not apologising to a machine!

SAT NAV VOICE:
Tum tee tum.

SARA (SHOUTING) :
Mike!

MIKE :
OK, OK, OK.

SAT NAV :
I'm waiting.

MIKE (THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) :
I'm sorry.

SAT NAV VOICE :
Can you speak up please.

MIKE :
I said I'm sorry.

SAT NAV VOICE :
Are you really sorry?

MIKE :
Yes!

SAT NAV VOICE :
Are you really - really sorry?

MIKE (SHOUTING) :
Yes!

SAT NAV VOICE :
No need to shout!

SARA:
Be nice Mike!

MIKE :
Yes - I am really, truly sorry.

SAT NAV VOICE :
Thank you - now that wasn't too difficult was it.

MIKE :
So where do we go now?

SAT NAV VOICE:
Well firstly you've got to turn round.

MIKE :
Well I guessed that bit.

SARA :
Mike!

MIKE :
Right - thank you. I'm turning round now.

SAT NAV VOICE :
I can tell you know.

MIKE :
So where now.

SAT NAV VOICE :
Carry on down the road for two hundred yards.

MIKE :
Right.

SAT NAV VOICE :
Say thank you nicely.

MIKE (LOOKING DAGGERS AT THE MACHINE AGAIN) :
Thank you - nicely.

SCENE CLOSES

Sorry, but it does nothing for me.

All rather too dry for me, I'm afraid...

Me neither. It just isn't very funny.

Don't be disheartened - the concept is good. It's just a bit unrealistic.
I for instance do a lot of sat nav navigation and I talk to the woman in the sat nav as if she were a real passenger (is that just me?)

Even cussing at her when the directions are unclear.
It might be funnier if the sat-nav took on a little intelligence and spoke back even swearing back or calling him an idiot.

There's some OK stuff in there but I don't think there's anything original I'm afraid.

I remember chatting to Adam Bromley at one of the RFTP recordings. He was saying that they'd had well over 2,000 sketch submissions and approximately 25% of those were about a satnav getting stroppy, falling in love with the owner or turning into Hal from 2001.

OK - thanks for al that then. It was written a couple of years ago and I had suggested Gav animate it or "comic" it. However seems that would be a waste of Gav's time.

I'm with the others. It needs something to make it stand out from a zillion sat nav ideas. Could you use the kids more - e.g.have them mimic the sat nav and cause misdirection? Something that uses your characters more than using the sat nav itself.

It's actually some of the best Newman's dialogue I've read. It's not too cluttered or confusing. Unfortunately the jokes aren't strong enough and the concept isn't utilized as well as it could have been.

Perhaps you could have the sat nav giving evidence in court against the driver.
It could claim he was texting his mistress at the time of the crash, to gasps from the gallery etc

I just thought it was too long and not funny.

A family holiday through Wales with family scoffing at the SatNavs inability to pronounce some Welsh towns and villages causing a tense stand off...

A SatNav's software accidentally installed in Polish and the family have to use Babelfish to interpret its instructions...

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ July 11 2011, 6:00 PM BST

Perhaps you could have the sat nav giving evidence in court against the driver.
It could claim he was texting his mistress at the time of the crash, to gasps from the gallery etc

View original

Wonderful.

Standard Court Room Set

There is a privacy type screen obscuring the evidence box.

Judge:
The evidence you the jury will now hear is being given by a witness who has been granted anonymity.

Defendant:
Your honour I must once again protest, I must have the right to face my accuser.

Judge:
Mr Carter, you have already threatened two witnesses in my court room and as such have lost that right through your actions.

The usher then walks over to the box carrying an A to Z and begins to issue the oath to the witness from behind the screen.

A woman sitting behind the defendant places a hand on him in a bid to calm him.

Usher:
"Please place it on the book and read out the card"

Robotic Voice
"I declare that the data I issue at this postcode SW1 8UP has been independently verified"

Defendant;
"What the f**k's this?"

Judge: Hits Gavel
"Silence!"

The Robotic voice behind the screen continues:
"The defendant was driving recklessly"

Defendant:
"I'm sure I recognise that voice"

Robotic Voice
"When the accident occurred he was travelling at 77mph despite the limit being 40 "

Defendant:
Shouts at the screen
"You lying bastard"

Judge;
"Silence"

Defendant:
"He's lying"

Robotic Voice
"You're the liar, you sent two text messages less than one minute before the accident, one to your wife saying you where stuck on the M6 despite the fact we where on the A456 and a further message to an unknown woman advising her to "Get her Kit off and be ready"

Audience gasp and the woman who was sitting behind the defendant faints

Defendant
"That's a lie"

Robotic voice:
"He was sending a third text message about Viagra when the accident its self occurred!"

Defendant
"You f**king Judas!"

The defendant then rushes across the floor and pulls down the screen. As the screen is yanked away we see a Sat Nav in sunglasses sitting on an A to Z.

Everyone even the defendant is stunned

Sat Nav:

"How the hell has this happened I was guaranteed anonymity!"

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It was a bit obvious