A Monologue may use in standup

I wrote this for a contest on monologues on mental illness, but couldn't enter it as I'm not Scottish

Thinking of using it in standup, am I nuts?

Your honour is it my turn to speak?

Too demanding.

Your honour is it ok if I speak?

Too ingratiating.

Your honour where do I begin?

Oh this is hopeless, Winston Smith, this is your only chance to stay out of jail and you can't even get started. Ok let's begin at the beginning.

My name is Winston Smith and I have a late diagnosis. I found this out at work last month. I'm a traffic enforcement officer for Camden council...and there goes the sympathy of half the court.

I didn't choose this career it sort of chose me. I'd been an assistant baker, a trainee cashier and a probationary shelf stacker. And the rent needed to get paid and then this job was advertised at the job centre plus. So I went for it. I think they were rather surprised to see a chap called Winston who was both white and wanted to be a traffic warden.

Wanted to be a traffic warden? There goes the sympathy of the other half of the court.

How can I put it? It just appealed, a uniform a set area to patrol, rules to enforce. Every day much like the one before and much like the one to follow. Oh sure people shouted at me, sometimes spat me but when they saw my expression (which I have since been told looks politely baffled like a laboratory beagle being offered another cigarette). They lose interest and storm off. There's no point in raging at the enforcing arm of the state, when the enforcing arm of the state just looks just a bit confused.

I wonder if I'd known about Asperger's at the time if I might have joined the dots sooner. But there were cars too be ticketed, wives to listen to and children to embarrass.

The day started the same as the day before and probably the same as the day to follow. Except those 3 days were to be quite different.

I was patrolling what we in the traffic enforcement industry call a target rich environment. It was home time at a nice church school in an area with 2 Waitrose's and rising property prices. There were enough armoured 4 by 4s to make a general in Iraq quite jealous.

And the yummy mummies who drove them never thumped me, swore or spat. Often they thanked me. They seemed to collect tickets. The ability to pay a number of £50 fines seemingly proof of the virility of their partners. Having long evolved past hunting mammoths or invading France.

But as I say this day was to be unlike the day before and the days to follow were to be very different indeed.

She came out of one of the houses on the street, just as I ticketed her car something especially shiny and expensive looking. I don't really pay attention to cars and I can't stand Top Gear. Too much shouting and movement.

"Do you know who I am?" LV(LADYS VOICE)

"No miss, have we met?" WV(WINSTONS VOICE)

"You're a cheeky little,." LV

"I prefer not to use the word she used next in a court of law, but I will write it down if you like." WV

"Miss you are parked on a double yellow line, I have taken a picture of your vehicle and issued a ticket. This ticket is now a legal document that I no longer have the power to cancel." LV

"Are you mental or something?" LV

"No miss I am not mental, I am a authorised traffic enforcement officer empowered by..." WV

It was at that point she hit me.

I'm used to that.

She hit me again.

As I said previously I'm not used to that.

Then she hit a third time

So I stuck my fingers in my ears and shut my eyes and burst into tears. It seemed to be the right thing to do at the time.

Apparently I also shouted according to witnesses

"Why won't you please stop hitting me I only wish to issue you a parking enforcement notice, if you have difficulty paying you can arrange payment over the internet." WV

By now a crowd had gathered.

And I really don't know what happened next. All the shouting, the surrounded me like the ocean.

Words slipped out occaisonally;

"He's an undercover reporter look he's got a camera." MAN IN CROWD

"He's a bloody traffic warden." WOMEN IN CROWD

"He's an undercover traffic warden reporter, the bastard." MAN IN CROWD

But in the end the bedlam was such I didn't even notice when the police grabbed me. I wasn't sure if it was me who called them? It all seems so long ago.

I sat in the cell it was rather quiet, which was nice. They'd taken my shoelaces, belt, radio, jacket and my ticket book. Was being prevented from fulfilling my job part of the punishment? I don't know I never watch police shows on the TV, too much aggression.

I've been a traffic warden for 15 years and I'm still "White Winston works for the immigration office probably."

. It smells funny, like it's too clean and the lights they're so loud. How does anyone put up with that humming? It's so loud. And the lights are too bright, is this torture is this legal?

And then the door opens and in comes a young Asian chap comes in, in what I am assuming is a Moss Bross suit,

"Oh for Giggs sake they've given me another mental! Are you all right mate? Have you taken something?" MO

"Has he at least seen the nurse?" MO

He turns to leave.

"Don't go." WV

"Oh you can speak, thank the prophet Ferguson. Sorry mate but you were rocking and muttering." MO

"Was I? I haven't done that since I was in school. Are you my lawyer?" WV

"Lawyer? You should be lucky my names Mohammed I'm a 2nd year law student at Goldsmith's I'm just doing the duty work for my placement. You can call me Mo. What's your name?" MO

He laughed,

"Winston man? No wonder they're giving you such a hard time, they must think you're the whitest rasta in North London. So you're the guy who hassled.. MO

"I still can't remember her name apparently she's famous or she had sex with someone famous or is it the same thing?"

Then his eyes sort of narrow, I'm not sure what that means. I'm not very good at reading facial expressions.

And he says those fatal words.

"You're autistic intcha? like my cousin Rahman. Went to Cambridge got a 2:1 in mathematics. " MO

"Good for him I suppose he's a professor or researcher or something." WV

"Nah mate he's the Peter Crouch of the family, collects trolleys at Tescos. He just can't get on with being told what to do Silly prick almost ended up getting shot by the police when he kept posting on a Jihadi website, cos he thought their interpretation of the Prophet's words were the most logical." MO

"Oh I went to university got a 2:2 in astrophysics and." WV

"You're a traffic warden. " MO

So I have a developmental condition what does that actually mean? It makes me sound like a poor African country." WV

"Well it means you ain't retarded and you ain't mental but you ain't right. Like poor old Rahman. He can beat me at chess but he's a total spaz at anything real like Call of Duty or chatting up the honeys." MO

"I'm married." WV

Mo high 5s me.

"Blood you're one up on half the Aspies out there." MO

"I met Janice at uni, her boyfriend from school had just dumped her. She thought I was sweet and I listened. It was about 2 years after we'd been married she realised I just didn't talk. I worry if it wasn't for Jake she'd have left me some time ago. Which puts him in the position of wishing he was never born so I'd leave him and his mum" WV

"That's great but if we're going to keep you out of prison, we're going to have get you a proper diagnosis." MO

"Mo you seem to know so much from your cousin, Mo is there a cure will I ever be normal?" WV

"What's normal? You'll take longer getting jokes and what ever, but you seem happy enough. Mate if there's one thing Rahman taught me. Some time it's the rest of the world who need to catchup. Unless we're happy with mathematicians collecting shopping trolleys and astrophysicists handing out parking tickets." MO

I'm so grateful to Mo he sorted the diagnosis.

And 2 weeks later I'm sitting in front of 2 nice psychologists saying

'No I don't know what the man in the photo's thinking." WV

"I can see a woodsman and a wolf in the picture and a girl in a red hood." WV

"Oh it's little red riding hood." WV

2 hours I have my diagnosis. Asperger's syndrome related to Autistic Spectrum Disorders, but with less learning disability and less tendency towards the more isolating aspects.

There's my diagnosis only 40 years late and surprisingly expensive, so it's not uncommon for it to be missed for years.. So your honour when considering the charges against me today.

Think how many other people there are stacking shelves, mowing lawns, giving out parking tickets.

Each one quietly whispering to themselves

"Did I get it right."

"Did I laugh at the right part of the joke."

"If I keep quiet they'll think I'm just like them."

"I'm ready Mo"

That is excellent, really took me along and liked the last few lines especially, it has a realistic 'seeing it from their eyes' feel. Right though, how could it transfer to standup? I can't see it, it's funny and poignant but it's a talking head sort of thing, a short play maybe...standup no.

Hmm it's heavily reduced from the original so I thought I could read it as a solo piece, but yeh probably lacks snap.

You'd have to play all the parts too!...think it would be a leap too far for a standup audience, then again you could start a new trend...monocomedy

It's meant to be the narrator doing all the voices, but I'm not a good actor so poor idea

Okay, I read it very patiently, doing the voices to get an idea as to what it might sound like if delivered on stage.

I'm not sure of the potential at a stand up gig, as it's reasonably light on laugh out loud stuff, but I was thoroughly enjoying myself reading it.

Unfortunately, it falls off quite a lot when he is in the hospital (I assume). The writing for the Doctor is not very natural at all. After that it is very worthy, and I don't doubt it's sincerity and factual accuracy. The problem is that it becomes more of a book than a routine. Not a bad book, but I think it would start to die onstage. As Shandonbelle says, the very ending is spot on, but the last part of the journey there doesn't sit well with the earlier stuff when he is on the job.

I was very pleasantly surprised with the character you have created (or is it based on someone real?) - with some work this could work on stage, but choose your audience wisely is the best advice I can give.

Well done for trying something different and doing it well.

This is the best thing you've ever posted up (in my time here)

You couldn't do it justice in a stand up routine, the best thing would be a short film, if directed to capture the tone of your writing/his pov it would be very well recieved. It would be cheap to do as well. If the main role was well cast everyone else could be blurred or head out of view (like a tom n jerry cartoon).

Spot on mate.

Thanks I'll stick to ripping the pis out of lamps

Good feedback

And Winston is a composite of several people I've known.
(and a small amount of myself)

I agree with Lady Laughter almost 100% (let's call it 98.7%).

The central voice is great, you just need to sort out the reported speech of the other characters, particularly in hospital. Too much of that feels like info-dump.

It's not stand-up though. It could work very well at the right night of theatre-cum-comedy IMHO.

Thanks Badge, I cut a lot out about Winston having a son as it slowed it down a lot. And some banter with Mo which was kinda weak, but I agree it does feel a bit info dumpy.

Really like this. I agree that it's not laugh out loud funny, but it is bloody good. I hope you figure out what to do with it as it is a decent piece of work. Nice one Sootyj.

My aim is to do these as a series of monologues exploring the way we live now for people who are more excluded from everyday society.

Excellent. Looking forward to reading them.