Sketch - Heavy Metal

Let the mauling commence! Written for radio.

SCENE ONE:
Two heavy metal teenagers, JASON and DWEEZIL in the pub. JASON SOUNDS SENSIBLE, WHILST DWEEZIL IS A BIT OF A DIM BULB.

BACKGROUND NOISE: General pub sounds

JASON:
Alright Dweez?

DWEEZIL:
Hows it hangin' Jase?

JASON:
Cool, man. You hear that new Deathgrinder single yet?

DWEEZIL:
What, Ritual Devil Sacrifice? Yeah, it's well cool. Love the bit where they simulate dismembering a virgin in the middle.

JASON:
I heard, right, that they actually dismembered a real virgin in the studio. Now that's dedication to music, right?

DWEEZIL:
Spot on, mate. 'Ere, you want dedication, mate, guess what I'vegone and done.

JASON:
What?

DWEEZIL:
Get a load of this. Did it meself with a compass and an old ink cartridge. That's like they do it in prison, like. Hurts like buggery, mind, but that, my friend, is a real tattoo.

JASON:
It's very... nice, mate.

DWEEZIL:
Nice? It's rock hard that is mate. My parents are gonna go ape, man. I mean look at it - In league with Satan! They are gonna flip.

JASON:
Well, they might not.

DWEEZIL:
What do you mean? Course they will.

JASON:
Okay, they might if it actually did say In League With Satan,but as it actually says In League With Santa, I think they're more likely to be mildly amused. I mean, it's one thing to have an eighteen year old son who worships the Devil, but quite another to have one who not only still believes in Father Christmas, but has formed a partnership with him.

DWEEZIL:
...S.....A..... Oh bugger... Why didn't I notice that?

JASON:
It's because you're an idiot, Dweezil.

DWEEZIL:
Oh yeah, I forgot. What can I do?

JASON:
Well, you haven't any money, so surgery is out, as is getting a professional to go over it. I suggest adding a bit more. It won't be perfect, but it will get the message across, albeit a little sloppily...

SCENE TWO: In DWEEZIL's house, with JASON'S MUM. She is posh.

BGN: DOOR CLOSING

DWEEZIL:
Mum, I'm home!

DWEEZIL'S MUM:
Hello, sweetie. Oh my God! What on earth is that bleeding on your arm.

DWEEZIL:
It's my new tattoo. Cool eh?

DWEEZIL'S MUM:
What on earth does it say darling?

DWEEZIL:
It says Not In League With Santa, Actually In League With Satan. Bet you're well pissed off, eh?

DWEEZIL'S MUM:
Not at all. It's lovely. Now go and clean it up a bit, you're ruining your new shirt. The poor masturbating nun is getting bloodstains all over her wimple.

DWEEZIL:
Why aren't you annoyed? I'm a Satanist. I eat babies and stuff.

DWEEZIL'S MUM:
I'm sure it's just a phase, love. Now go on and have a good wash, there's a dear. If you do a good job I might just let you lick the cake bowl, okay?

DWEEZIL:
(Resigned and defeated) Yes Mum... Mum?

DWEEZIL'S MUM:
Yes dear?

DWEEZIL:
Do you think Dad will be annoyed?

DWEEZIL'S MUM:
I shouldn't think so dear. After all, he is the lead singer of Satans F**k Monkeys...

Quote: Lady Laughter @ July 6 2011, 11:39 PM BST

Let the mauling commence! Written for radio.

SCENE ONE:
Two heavy metal teenagers, JASON and DWEEZIL in the pub. JASON SOUNDS SENSIBLE, WHILST DWEEZIL IS A BIT OF A DIM BULB.

BACKGROUND NOISE: General pub sounds

JASON:
Alright Dweez?

DWEEZIL:
Hows it hangin' Jase?

JASON:
Cool, man. You hear that new Deathgrinder single yet?

DWEEZIL:
What, Ritual Devil Sacrifice? Yeah, it's well cool. Love the bit where they simulate dismembering a virgin in the middle.

JASON:
I heard, right, that they actually dismembered a real virgin in the studio. Now that's dedication to music, right?

DWEEZIL:
Spot on, mate. 'Ere, you want dedication, mate, guess what I'vegone and done.

JASON:
What?

DWEEZIL:
Get a load of this. Did it meself with a compass and an old ink cartridge. That's like they do it in prison, like. Hurts like buggery, mind, but that, my friend, is a real tattoo.

JASON:
It's very... nice, mate.

DWEEZIL:
Nice? It's rock hard that is mate. My parents are gonna go ape, man. I mean look at it - In league with Satan! They are gonna flip.

JASON:
Well, they might not.

DWEEZIL:
What do you mean? Course they will.

JASON:
Okay, they might if it actually did say In League With Satan,but as it actually says In League With Santa, I think they're more likely to be mildly amused. I mean, it's one thing to have an eighteen year old son who worships the Devil, but quite another to have one who not only still believes in Father Christmas, but has formed a partnership with him.

DWEEZIL:
...S.....A..... Oh bugger... Why didn't I notice that?

JASON:
It's because you're an idiot, Dweezil.

DWEEZIL:
Oh yeah, I forgot. What can I do?

JASON:
Well, you haven't any money, so surgery is out, as is getting a professional to go over it. I suggest adding a bit more. It won't be perfect, but it will get the message across, albeit a little sloppily...

SCENE TWO: In JASON's house, with JASON'S MUM. She is posh.

BGN: DOOR CLOSING

JASON:
Mum, I'm home!

JASON'S MUM:
Hello, sweetie. Oh my God! What on earth is that bleeding on your arm.

JASON:
It's my new tattoo. Cool eh?

JASON'S MUM:
What on earth does it say darling?

JASON:
It says Not In League With Santa, Actually In League With Satan. Bet you're well pissed off, eh?

JASON'S MUM:
Not at all. It's lovely. Now go and clean it up a bit, you're ruining your new shirt. The poor masturbating nun is getting bloodstains all over her wimple.

JASON:
Why aren't you annoyed? I'm a Satanist. I eat babies and stuff.

JASON'S MUM:
I'm sure it's just a phase, love. Now go on and have a good wash, there's a dear. If you do a good job I might just let you lick the cake bowl, okay?

JASON:
(Resigned and defeated) Yes Mum... Mum?

JASON'S MUM:
Yes dear?

JASON:
Do you think Dad will be annoyed?

JASON'S MUM:
I shouldn't think so dear. After all, he is the lead singer of Satans F**k Monkeys...

View original

Scene 2 confused me, I thought it was Dweezil that got the tattoo...

Frak me, you are correct! Written in a hurry!

Amended, and thanks for spotting such a stupid mistake.

A bit 'heavy' on the verbals in places, need to get in late and get out early...

Didn't think you needed the 'virgin' or 'nun' bits they didn't add anything to it...

All a bit dumb/dumber but not so amusing...

Zed's spot on about the nun thing.

I thought it was funny, prob a wee bit long considering santa/satan mix-up was the only real joke in there, like the dyslexic sells his soul to santa gag.

Still, funny, but the context of it all felt definitely late 80s early 90s not at all relevent, but if rewrote you could have goth types, I think faux-depressed emo girls would work better than metalhead boys and give you a better scope for gags on self-pity rather than being hard. (just my opinion)

The writing's likeable.

Putting the wholly unrealistic dialogue to one side and ignoring the whole heavy metal kids dated feel including reference to singles in the down load age and how modern tattoos are the norm. I really tried to see how this could work but the fact is this is not even remotely funny.

This may seem harsh but its the truth and given that you have slated most posters on this site often unfairly from an almost self imposed lofty position and given that you had plenty of time to create something that would show you at least have the basic craft, I think you failed miserably and would ask that you refrain from commenting on any future posts.

It would seem that this site encourages not only wanna be comedians but is now hosting trainee hecklers like yourself, well you'll never make it, because the sad reality is you're not even a good troll!

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ July 7 2011, 7:32 AM BST

This may seem harsh but its the truth and given that you have slated most posters on this site often unfairly from an almost self imposed lofty position and given that you had plenty of time to create something that would show you at least have the basic craft, I think you failed miserably and would ask that you refrain from commenting on any future posts.

It would seem that this site encourages not only wanna be comedians but is now hosting trainee hecklers like yourself, well you'll never make it, because the sad reality is you're not even a good troll!

View original

Bet you loved that, Theodore.

Sorry, not going anywhere.

Well that went pretty much to expectation.

Well done for posting a sketch LL. The pay off was the best bit, the dyslexia joke did feel a bit heard it before. Maybe the twist should be that the kids talk posh too- lift it out of the familiar.

What's your problem? You posted something that you knew in advance would be slated,the time frame was of your own choosing all you had to do was put up something that was funny and I would have seen my arse and my criticism would have been seen as bitterness.

Instead you put up something that is clearly tired and dog eared and given the reason for the post I am forced to presume this is your best.

I have seen attempts on here by people that have been way off what I like, but the underlying intent was to amuse and that has to admired.

But this particular post was designed to show that your constant criticism of others was based on an innate skill that your criticisms suggested you had, but in reality clearly don't possess.

I don't mind being slated, if I did I wouldn't put stuff up, I did at first but I soon learned just how subjective humour is.

But your across the board sniping and claims too have heard the gag before type of snipes got me thinking.

This is a big site, you can post on numerous subjects, but I noticed that you stay predominantly inside critique section, you did not submit, you just sniped at peoples efforts and that in my book makes you lower than a troll.

I could be wrong (I often am) This post could get filled by posters singing your virtues and applauding this sketch, after all that's the reason you posted it.

So you see this is a learning curve for me, if your post gets the approval of the posters I'm well off target and your sketch is the Bee Knees.

If I'm right I will get no satisfaction, but I will at least know my compass isn't playing up on me.

Teddy, LL,

I like -- nay, love -- you both, but this back and forth you've got going on -- and why, exactly, do you have it going on?? -- is getting seriously old now; or, as the kidz say, "ur gey".

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ July 7 2011, 8:51 AM BST

But this particular post was designed to show that your constant criticism of others was based on an innate skill that your criticisms suggested you had, but in reality clearly don't possess.

View original

This is wrong. I have never said I was a great sketch writer, or even a good one. I've only written about four! You don't have to be able to write a sketch to criticise, as you have often demonstrated.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ July 7 2011, 8:51 AM BST

But your across the board sniping and claims too have heard the gag before type of snipes got me thinking.

View original

Your generalisation is also wrong. I like soe stuff, I don't like others. I don't often claim to have heard a joke before, because it just doesn't happen much.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ July 7 2011, 8:51 AM BST

This is a big site, you can post on numerous subjects, but I noticed that you stay predominantly inside critique section, you did not submit, you just sniped at peoples efforts and that in my book makes you lower than a troll.

View original

You are entitled to your opinion. Funnily enough, so am I. I like critiquing people's work, I like being honest about it. Apart from with you, I don't post deliberate wind ups, and as such a not a troll. I am not trying to get a reaction, just telling the truth. As I have pointed out, you are much more of a troll than I could ever be with your posts on Chortle.

I have only tried to do sketches since I have bene on here, and thought a couple werequite good. This one isn't, really, but it has it's good points. I'll live with it - after all, if I can't take it, I really shouldn't dish it out.

Thing is, I can take it. It's just the internet, Theodore, and you are a speck in it, nothing more.

I don't know, I didn't really find it funny, although in league with Santa is vaguely amusing. Oh well, keep trying, and I'll go see if I can find my funny bone.