Skit Comp 29.6 - 6.7.11 Page 2

MAXIMUS:
I bow before you oh Great Caeser

CAESER:
At last! A brave volunteer. What is your name soldier?

MAXIMUS:
I Am Maximus Relaximus, husband to a murdered wife, father to a murdered child & I will have my revenge in this life or ...

CAESER:
I asked for your name, not your life story (ASIDE) Why does everyone do that these days? Anway I must ask you if you are prepared to lay your life down for Rome.

MAXIMUS:
I have been in many battles I have slaughtered the Barbarians, vanquished the Visigoths, & killed over 10,000 men. I have no fear of Death Caeser.

CAESER:
Excellent, Excellent, in that case a small village in Gaul should not prove too large an obstacle.

MAXIMUS:
Gaul you say ? erm I er.... I think I'm washing my hair that day.

CAESER:
But I didn't mention a day.

MAXIMUS:
Oh right! Well I um meant that I'm probably busy , you know, what with it being Banquet season and everything

CAESER:
What's wrong all of a sudden. Surely you don't believe these myths of Barbarians with Magic potions that give them Inhuman strength

MAXIMUS:
No No of course not! Well maybe a little bit. .

CAESER:
But you said you had no fear of Death.

MAXIMUS:
I don't! But it is said that these men never bring death, They just like to beat people up & I don't want to get beaten up

CAESER:
You're saying that you are scared of being beaten up?

MAXIMUS:
Not just beaten up Caeser, I have heard tales that when they hit you , you fly up in the air & your sandals stay exactly where they were on the ground, and then you end up hanging over the branch of a tree with birds tweeting around your head.

CAESER:
Do you realise how ridiculous that sounds?

MAXIMUS:
But I have seen soldiers return from Gaul myself, with all manner of black eyes & wonky helmets., it is not a fate I would wish on my worst enemy.

CAESER:
Even if there was such a thing as Magic potion, they should still be no match for a Roman Army.

MAXIMUS:
But one of them fell in the barrel when he was a baby, ... he's well strong.

CAESER:
If I say there is no Magic Potion, then there is no Magic potion, are you to believe a few drunken tales instead of the word of your Emporer.

MAXIMUS:
No Caeser, sorry Caeser

CAESER:
That's settled then, you will leave at Sunrise.

THE NEXT DAY
WE SEE MAXIMUS HANGING OVER THE BRANCH OF A TREE NEXT TO ANOTHER SOLDIER
THEY BOTH HAVE BLACK EYES WONKY HELMETS & BIRDS TWEETING AROUND THEIR HEADS

MAXIMUS:
That Caeser is such a Bastard.

My entry for OUCH

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/21637#P783546

1. INT FACTORY. A MAN (KEV) IS DOING SOME CARPENTRY WHEN HE HITS HIS FINGER WITH A HAMMER.

KEV:
BOLLOCKS.

SUDDENLY A MIDDLE AGED MAN (GORDON) EMERGES WITH A CLIPBOARD AND A CARRIER BAG

GORDON:
Ouch.

KEV:
Bollocks actually. I nearly took my bloody thumb off.

GORDON:
No OUCH. I'm from OUCH. We're a consultancy that's helping you ORGANISE and UNDERSTAND your COMPANIES HEALTH and safety.

KEV:
Great. Just what I need.

GORDON:
You don't think it's important? I'd normally show you some graphic photos, but I've forgotten my computer so we'll have to make do with some sketches.

GORDON SCRIBBLES ON A PIECE OF PAPER AND SHOWS KEV

GORDON:
Meet Rupert Smith.

KEV:
What are those blobs next to him?

GORDON SOUNDS IRRITATED BUT CARRIES ON SKETCHING

GORDON:
His family. He's happy. He's got a new job starting on Monday. The kids are asleep. Him and and his wife have just had a bottle of wine. They go up to bed, and then this happens. (beat) Rupert, you lucky bastard.

GORDON SHOWS KEV THE PICTURE. KEV LOOKS SHOCKED. GORDON KEEPS DRAWING

GORDON:
Come on. We're both adults. Anyway, next day he's at work. He doesn't think health and safety is important either. Until that is, he's the victim of a poorly maintained conveyor belt.

GORDON SHOWS KEV THE NEXT DRAWING

KEV:
What the bloody hell is that?

GORDON:
His ball sack my friend. Mangled beyond recognition. Do you want me to keep drawing?

KEV:
No thanks.

GORDON:
Good man. So, I'll be visiting you and your colleagues over the next few days giving you some bite-sized health and safety tips. As an aide-memoire, I've made these tips into a series of handy little songs.

GORDON CLEARS HIS THROAT AND STARTS TO SING

GORDON:
If you're lifting heavy weights this is the way to go.
Stand right above it, bend your knees down low.
Lift with your legs and you'll be right on track.
Keep it slow and steady or you'll blow your f**king back.

Altogether now.

KEV SINGS ALONG VERY UNCOMFORTABLY

GORDON:
Wonderful. You've been such a good listener, you've won a prize. It's a coconut.

GORDON KEEPS HIS LEGS STRAIGHT AND BENDS DOWN TO PICK A COCONUT OUT OF HIS BAG. A LOUD CRACKING SOUND ECHOES AROUND THE FACTORY.

GORDON:
Jesus wept

KEV:
You ok?

GORDON:
I'm fine. It's happened before. It's easy to sort out. Could you just come behind me and pop your finger up my bottom? The shock usually stops my back spasming.

KEV PICKS UP THE PAD, SCRIBBLES ON IT, SHOWS IT TO GORDON AND STORMS OFF.

GORDON:
Fair enough.

Great bunch this week but my vote just goes to ISHY. It was the song wot won it.

Teddy Padalack...

'The customer holding both hands to his face just nods.'

Great last line...

I enjoyed them all, 404Notfounds Ouchy line made me laugh especially.
But Shandonbelle was my fave this time around.

Angiebaby - I really like that.

Redzed333 I thought it hilarious. I meant to say, they are all good and a high standard this time.

Kasm, short but sweet

Brilliant week. Too many good ones to mention them all, but I'm going for Otterfox this week

404 Not Found

It's a toss up between Angiebaby and Otterfox for me, but I'm going for Otterfox

SONG: MONDAY MORNING MISHAP

Got up feeling groggy,
Bod a little soggy from the night
Demons and devils, nightmares straddled me
Screeching in me lugs when I was wrapped up tight

But now awake
I make a cuppa in the kitchen,
This languid body's twitchin'
And for Rosy Lee it's itchin'

Fill the kettle with brown water from a rusted tap,
Seethin' liquids, pour the water, kettle handle snaps,
I wouldn't mind too much I swear but only for the fact,
That my John Thomas hanging out was scolded to the sack

Never make tea in the nude.
Never make tea in the nude.
I ain't a prude, just please, be shrewd,
And Never make tea in the nude.

It really ain't all clever
To expose your old fella
'Alf a kettle tests your mettle
An' leaves ya feelin' yella

So never make tea in the nude

Several years long after that
My wife long-since departed
Not from her death, but death of sex,
My pistons' not since started

She said I stank, and drank a lot,
An' was a useless prannock,
But worse disgrace -- a waste of space
Now that I could not fill her crannock

If you ask me in the pub at five thirty I will say
That she's a f**kin' whore, a slut, an' I left her that day,
But come the tollin' of the bell at closin' time pissed up,
I'll tell the truth, an' climb the roof, an' threaten to jump off

It happens every night, last night was no exception,
This morn a banging head, black eyes, and half a recollection,
So I take my medicine, half a pint of gin,
An' an English fry up, to my doss hard day begin,

A fryin' pan of butter, sizzlin' sausages,
Some rashers, mushrooms, and brown bread,
Just what old Frankie needs;
The chocka-block brown-rusted pan
I popped in a few eggs,
But I slipped, the handle ripped,
Fried sausage 'twixt two legs.

Never make eggs in the nude.
Never make eggs in the nude.
I ain't a prude, just please, be shrewd,
And Never make eggs in the nude.

It really ain't all clever
To expose your old fella
A full up pan sears ya man
An' leaves ya feelin' yella

So never make eggs in the nude
Never make eggs in the nude
Don't be like Frank who'll no more wank
Never make eggs in the nude.
Never make eggs in the nude.
Don't be like Frank who'll no more wank,
And never make eggs in the nude.

ISHY wins it for me.

Really hard to choose this week, liked 404's, Steve's, Angiebaby's and Redzed333 but going for Teddy Paddalack.

Again a tough choice, Some great work from lots of entrants,
Otterfox has got my vote though.