DEREK AND STEVE ARE ROOM-MATES. SATURDAY MORNING DEREK IS WOKEN UP ABRUPTLY BY STEVE WHO IS SHAKING HIM AND HITTING HIM ACROSS THE FACE.
STEVE:
Wake up, wake up, Wake up!!
DEREK:
(ANNOYED) What!? I'm awake. Whats wrong with you!?
STEVE:
You told me to wake you if you slept it in.
DEREK:
Yeah. On a week day. Jeez!
STEVE:
Oh. Sorry about the ol' punches across the face there. Might have taken in a weensy bit far.
DEREK:
You think?! The least you can do is make me breakfast to make up for it.
STEVE:
Fair enough.
STEVE WALKS OFF AND DEREK GETS OUT OF BED AND HEADS FOR THE STAIRS GROGGILY.
STEVE:
(SHOUTING FROM DOWNSTAIRS)
Be careful of the stairs. I'm freezing it.
DEREK:
Wha...?
DEREK TUMBLES DOWN TO STAIRS VERY CLUMSILY.
DEREK:
Ow my flippin' ear! What the f**k are you doing freezing the stairs?!
STEVE:
Never mind that. Here's a lovely fry up for you.
DEREK:
This better be good. Hmm. These scrambled eggs taste a bit different. Did you put something in them?
STEVE:
(NONCHALANTLY) Oh yeah. They're lambs eggs.
DEREK:
La- What in the name of Jesus are lambs eggs?!!! (he spits it out. stands up and puts on his jacket)
STEVE:
Where are you going?
DEREK:
I'm getting out of here before I throw you down the bloody stairs.
STEVE:
What? Like the way you threw yourself down the stairs earlier?
DEREK:
Ye...Oooh. Just, just keep pushing me!
DEREK PUTS HIS HANDS IN HIS JACKET POCKETS AND HIS HANDS ARE COVERED IN GOO.
DEREK:
What the f**k is this?
STEVE:
......Well we were out of pots and pans, werent we.... I had to mix the ingredients somewhere.
DEREK:
What is wrong with you? What is actually wrong with you?!!
DEREK STORMS OFF. HE IS WALKING ALONG A COUNTRY ROAD. A CAR PASSES DRIVING INTO A HUGE PUDDLE OF WATER SOAKING HIM FROM HEAD TO TOE.
THE CAR PULLS UP AND IN IT IS SUSAN WHO DEREK OBVIOUSLY FANCIES. SHE LETS DOWN THE PASSENGER WINDOW.
DEREK(water flowing off of him):
What the f...oh hi Susan. How are you?
SUSAN:
Hi Derek. I'm so sorry. Did I splash you?
DEREK:
No, no. I-I-I'm j-just out of the shower and I am forgot to dry off.
SUSAN:
Oh. I was sure I got you. I definitely got someone.
DEREK:
Yeah. I saw him. He am.....he... I think he jumped into a field, you know, to am.. to dry off.
SUSAN LOOKS INTO THE FIELD.
SUSAN:
I don't see him. I really should go back and apologise.
DEREK:
No!! He's gone. He's after thumbing a lift.
SUSAN:
But no cars passed us.
DEREK:
Yes. Very true. He, he, he got a lift on a tractor...in the field. He's gone...away...probably forever.
SUSAN:
Oh ok.
AWKWARD SILENCE
DEREK:
Sooo.........what am......
SUSAN:
Well I'd better get going.
DEREK:
Yep sure yeah. See you again.
SUSAN DRIVES OFF. WE STAY WITH SUSAN AS SHE DRIVES. AFTER ABOUT 20 SECONDS SHE HEARS A HIGH-PITCHED DRONE. SHE LOOKS OVER AND SEES THAT ITS DEREK. HIS HAIR IS CAUGHT IN THE WINDOW AND HAD BEEN RUNNING ALONG BESIDE THE CAR ALL THE TIME.
SUSAN PULLS UP.
SUSAN:
Oh my God!! Derek are you ok. I'm so sorry. Why did'nt you say anything?
DEREK:
Ah I did'nt want to disturb you. You looked busy....lovely day isn't it.
SUSAN:
Are you alright? Are you hurt?
DEREK:
No no. (blood rolling down his head and blood stains all over his jeans) Never better. I'll just head back home.
SUSAN:
Well look, heres my number. Give me a call later and let me know how you are.
DEREK:
(DELIGHTED) YEAH! I mean, um yeah sure whatever.
DEREK IS WALKING BACK WITH A SPRING IN HIS STEP AND IS ADMIRING THE PIECE OF PAPER WITH SUSANS NUMBER ON IT WHEN A CROW FLIES DOWN GRABS THE PAPER AND FLIES OFF.
CUT TO SEVERAL CLIPS OF DEREK CHASING THE CROW THROUGH FIELDS, BUSHES, ROOVES OF HOUSES, TELEPHONE POLES. THE CROW KNOCKS HIS GLASSES OFF AND THEY SMASH ON THE GROUND. HE FINALLY GIVES UP.
HE IS WALKING PAST A RUGBY PITCH AND A PLAYER IS ASKING DEREK TO GET THE BALL OUT OF THE BUSH AND KICK IT TO HIM. DEREK PICKS UP WHAT HE THINKS IS THE BALL BUT IS ACTUALLY A BEEHIVE. HE KICKS IT AND THOUSANDS OF BEES FLY OUT STINGING HIM ALL OVER.
DEREK IS NOW SOAKING, HAS BLOOD FLOWING FROM HIS HEAD AND LEGS, IS WEARING BROKEN GLASSES, HIS CLOTHES ARE RIPPED AND HE HAS STING MARKS ALL OVER HIM.
HE STUMBLES IN THE DOOR.
STEVE:
Well how was the walk. Are you feeling better?
DEREK:
Help me! Ring me an ambulance (cough) and then get me a mirror. I have to see..owww... the damage.
STEVE:
The lines are down. Someone must have been tampering with the telephone poles and both our mobiles were in your jacket pockets.
DEREK:
A-at least get me a mirror for God sake...Let me see what I look like before I die (gasp).
STEVE:
Aw do I have to?...Ok, here.
DEREK LOOKS IN THE HAND HELD MIRROR BUT HE HAS NO REFLECTION LOOKING BACK AT HIM. STEVE LOOKS IN AND HIS REFLECTION APPEARS.
DEREK:
(IN DISBELIEF) Where the f**k is my reflection?!! What, how can this happen. Wheres my reflection gone?! Where the Christ is it? Am I dead?
STEVE:
How am I supposed to know.
WE ZOOM INSIDE THE MIRROR AND SEE DEREKS REFLECTION RUSHING IN THE DOOR. LOOKING AT HIS WATCH AND HURRIEDLY PUTTING ON MAKEUP AND FAKE CUTS AND BRUISES AND TEARING HIS CLOTHES TO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE THE REAL DEREK.
REFLECTION DEREK:
I bloody told Steve to wake me.
END.
