Alright folks. Just finished watching the Djokovic game (tennis). Spunked this sketch off as a result. Bleurgh.
******
EXT. TENNIS COURT. DAY.
COMMENTATOR (VO)
Papadopoulis, the world number 749, against world number one and eighteen times Wimbledon champion David Glitzhammer, of Leictenstein. Two sets all, Papadopoulis so close to a place in tennis history now. You could cut the atmosphere with a spoon.
Several Cypriot flags wave in the audience.
UMPIRE
Please.
Silence settles over the crowd.
COMMENTATOR (VO)
Glitzhammer to serve.
GLITZHAMMER serves. An extraordinary rally of several dozen shots unfolds ending in PAPADOPOULIS leaping through the air, long jump style, and volleying the ball mid-flight, flames shoot out of the ball as it lands: point to PAPADOPOULIS.
The crowd goes completely apeshit mental.
COMMENTATOR (VO)
Extraordinary! Extraordinary!
The camera cuts to several audience members. One is totally freaking out, slapping his own face repeatedly, and screaming manically. Another grabs a nearby female and squeezes with glee till she screams with agony and her faces bulges blue and red and explodes in bile, blood, and brain. A third stands there in a Rugby jersey, holding a rugby ball, and looking about confused.
Back on court, PAPADOPOULIS is dancing an apparently traditional Greek folk-jig. The crowd eat it up.
COMMENTATOR (VO)
Oh wonderful. Jolly well wonderful!
Cut back to PAPADOPOULIS who is now playing a bouzouki.
UMPIRE
Silence, please.
COMMENTATOR (VO)
Papadopoulis, game, set, and match point. Can he make history. Can he?
Cut to an audience member who is so nervous he chews his own hands off without apparently realising.
GLITZHAMMER serves. Super slow-mo as the ball approaches PAPADOPOULIS. His face wrinkled like a cerebrum from the concentration and effort. He swings his racket, connecting with the ball.
Cut to several audience members shaking their heads from excitement and adrenalin: where will the ball land!?
slowly, slowly, slowly... it's in. Return to normal speed.
UMPIRE
Game, set, and match: Papadopoulis.
The audience flip. GLITZHAMMER starts to blub and blows his nose on his floppy mane. PAPADOPOULIS falls to his knees, his face a vision of joy.
The roar of the crowd is deafening.
COMMENTATOR (VO)
Listen to that! Listen to that! A true people's champion.
PAPADOPOULIS repeatedly fist-punches. He cartwheels, he backflips, he springs in the air, leaping to a tremendous height, curls up into a ball, and spins Sonic the hedgehog style towards the net: he lands head first on it, and somehow manages to balance, on his head, on the top of the net, his body rigid like an upturned Angel of the North.
The crowd are on their feet applauding hard. One man's hands fall off. Another's explode. A third's catch fire.
COMMENTATOR (VO)
The people are in the palm of this man's hand!
PAPADOPOULIS rushes to an on-court mike.
PAPADOPOULIS
Thank you, people! I love you all! I just want to say, this was a long time coming. I hope my victory can bring people on both sides of the divide in Cyprus together, as one!
The crowd go wild.
PAPADOPOULIS (cont.)
One Cyprus, one nation, united... under Greek rule!
The crowd are confused, stop applauding, silence.
PAPADOPOULIS
Eins reich! Eins Folk! Eins Fuehrer!
The crowd switch now. Some have started to boo. PAPADOPOULIS nazi-salutes.
PAPADOPOULIS
We WILL defeat the Turk! We WILL drive him from our lands and drown him in the sea! We WILL reoccupy Constantinople and make it the new capital of a Magna Graecia, overlords of all Asia Minor and the Balkans!!
The crowd universally boo and start to pelt him with stuff.
PAPADOPOULIS
Nothing will stop us! Nothing!!!!!
He slips on a pot of taramasalata, falls to the ground, explodes.
The crowd cheers.
COMMENTATOR (VO)
What a way to lose a crowd.
