This was an entry in the 2011 Manchester SitCom Trials but I think it missed the deadline so I'm putting it on here for your very delectation...
LIGHTS UP:
INT. MANCHESTER - LASS O'GOWRIE - EVENING
KEV (30's,) slightly harassed look, is in the bar, glances anxiously at it his watch, taps nervously on the table with his fingers as he sips his Perrier and cider snakebite.
Three rather wet looking student types in their 20's, CHERYL, pleasantly plump, GORDON, keen looking and NORMAN, not that intellectual looking at all, shuffle nervously into the bar.
Kev sees the three, looks at his dossier, grimaces and masks his face with a sticky copy of Woman's Weekly.
Norman approaches Kev and pulls down the magazine with one finger and grins at him.
NORMAN: Wotcha...
KEV: Er, wotcha..
NORMAN: You must be Kelvin.
KEV: Kevin, actually.
Norman shoots out a hand.
NORMAN: I'm Norman..
After shaking Kev looks at his hand, it's all wet.
NORMAN: Er, sorry about that.
Kev takes out a handkerchief and wipes his hand.
KEV: It's okay, is it raining out?
NORMAN: No, I've just had a piss and there was nowhere to wash my hands.
Kev sniffs the handkerchief, grimaces and throws it under the table.
Cheryl and Gordon sit at the table.
CHERYL: Hello, I'm Cheryl, Chezza to me mates.
NORMAN: I've never heard anyone call you that.
GORDON: And I'm Gordon.
Gordon goes to shake hands, Kev folds his arms and leans back.
KEV: Did the agency send you?
NORMAN: Er, yes and no.
KEV: Yes and no..?
CHERYL: Mostly no...
NORMAN: Yeah, we originally had our names down for the varsity boat race trials but we got disqualified.
KEV: Why was that..?
GORDON: We haven't got a boat.
NORMAN: We did have a boat.
CHERYL: But it sunk.
NORMAN: That's why we're all wet.
Kev sits and stares.
CHERYL: It was the seagull's fault.
KEV: A seagull sunk your boat?
NORMAN: Yeah, should've seen it, it was like a f**king animal.
KEV: But why would a seagull...?
GORDON: It was after her chips.
Kev sits momentarily open mouthed, pushes his glasses onto his nose and opens the dossier before changing the subject.
KEV: Can I ask if any of you have done this sort of thing before?
NORMAN: Well, I once dropped a pie off the Woolwich ferry, and that sunk.
KEV: What, the ferry?
NORMAN: No, the pie..!
Kev's voice is growing a little tense.
KEV: I meant showbiz..! Have any of you done any acting or stuff...?
The three look at each other in puzzlement.
GORDON: Not me, I've never been on the Woolwich ferry.
CHERYL: I once played a one legged lesbian goat juggler from Azerbaijan.
Gordon and Norman look astonished.
GORDON: I didn't even know you could get lesbian goats.
NORMAN: Especially with one leg.
CHERYL: Not the goat, stupid, me, I was playing a one legged lesbian from Azerbaijan.
Norman and Gordon look studiously at Cheryl's two legs, Norman points.
NORMAN: But..?
Cheryl taps her leg, it's made of wood.
GORDON: I wondered why you was paddling up the Manchester Ship Canal with your left leg.
CHERYL: I lost me paddle when we got attacked by the seagull.
NORMAN: That reminds me, I'll have to pop into Mothercare in the morning and get that back.
GORDON: Yeah, that was some shot, you ever thought about taking up the javelin?
CHERYL: No, but I once got auditioned for dancing on ice.
The lads look on impressed. Kev reluctantly takes notes.
CHERYL: Got right up to the final selection procedure, I did.
GORDON: Really, what happened?
CHERYL: I took a bit of a wobbler on the final Arabian Cartwheel, he went left, I went right and before you knew it the thread came loose and I skidded forty yards along the ice with only me piss flaps to slow me down.
The lads wince.
CHERYL: That's how I got the job as a one legged lesbian goat juggler from Azerbaijan.
GORDON: Azerbaijani lesbians only have one leg?
CHERYL: No, coz their fannies are all swollen up like the lips of a duck-billed platypus.
Gordon and Norman groan in sympathy.
NORMAN: Blimey, Chezza, I didn't even know you could juggle.
CHERYL: I can't, that's why I'm studying advanced varnishing and wood rot prevention at Manchester Uni.
Kev pushes his glasses onto his nose, slightly hyperventilates and looks hopefully at Norman.
KEV: And I suppose you...
CHERYL: Don't take any notice of Norman, Kelvin, he's a bit thick.
NORMAN: Aha, that's where I fool everybody, see. I'm not really thick at all, I just act thick.
CHERYL & GORDON: Well, you're a f**king good actor..!
Gordon turns excitedly to Kev.
GORDON: I once helped me dad with some animal training.
Kev looks interested.
GORDON: Yeah, it was me dad's whippet, every time United win the league it dances the hornpipe and plays 'I come from Alabama' on the banjo...
KEV: What happens if City win it?
GORDON: I don't know, we've only had it 43 years.
Kev puffs his cheeks, blows hard and reads from his dossier.
KEV: Are there any known medical conditions that may prevent you from performing on stage?
Norman raises a finger.
NORMAN: I once had piles.
Everybody looks at Norman with disdain.
NORMAN: They're gone now though, I got these tablets from the doc, you had to push them four inches up your bottom.
Norman wiggles his fingers to the others.
NORMAN: Not very easy when your fingers are only three inches long.
Gordon and Chezza look on fascinated, Kev looks worried.
CHERYL: So how did you...?
NORMAN: Me mate, Dave, gave us a hand.
GORDON: Not 'Four Inch' Dave from Canal Street?
NORMAN: Yeah, you know him?
CHERYL: Why do they call him 'Four Inch' Dave?
Gordon leans over to whisper in Cheryl's ear.
CHERYL: That's disgusting...!
NORMAN: Hey, don't knock it unless you've tried it, that's my motto.
Cheryl pulls a face.
CHERYL: You mean you've actually had a...? Up your...?
NORMAN: Yeah, why not? This is the Twenty-First Century, sweetheart, you gotta live and let live. No room for unfounded blind homophobic prejudices in this day and age.
Gordon and Cheryl look at each other with unease.
NORMAN: I gave it up after a couple of weeks though.
GORDON: Why's that?
NORMAN: It hurt me arse.!
Kev nods in agreement then rapidly shakes his head.
NORMAN: I was the helpless victim of Dave's mad passionate advances. One night he came back blind drunk from the Dog and Booties and threatened to give me eight inches and make me bleed.
GORDON: What happened?
NORMAN: He f**ked me twice and punched me in the mouth.
LIGHTS DOWN:
NORMAN (O.S.): Hey, what the f**k? It's gone all dark..!
GORDON (O.S.): What's going on...?
KEV (O.S.): SHIT...!!! It's the cliffhanger, I'd forgotten all about it...!
CHERYL (O.S.): Cliffhanger..?
KEV (O.S.): Yeah, the first scene always ends with a moving and often poignant moment that leaves the audience craving for more in the second half.
NORMAN (O.S.): But how do you know if the crowd want more?
KEV (O.S.): They go mad and cheer.
(beat)
LOUDER THAN THAT...!!!!
END OF ACT ONE
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Okay folks, audience participation time...
If you want to find out what becomes of our three intrepid auditioners and the hapless Kev then you gotta shout 'MORE' (or LESS if you're less than impressed)
I'll add the votes up later and if there's more MORES than LESSES I'll print the rest later.
MORES get 8 points, LESS gets -1
