Just something I knocked up while I was waiting for my injection.
Most people enjoy visitors don't they? I know I do, it's all part of the welcoming nature of being a human being...
It's when those sneaky little bastards that turn up out of the blue come knocking that gets on my tits, doesn't it you..?
Mormons, they're the worse, they do take the piss. Have you noticed, you wait in all day for them to come knocking so you can have an informed and intellectual debate on the the second coming of the Lord and existentialism though the process of comparing multiple conflicting dogma, and what happens? Nothing, not a f**king thing..!
No, but you sit down with your sausage, egg and chips to watch deal or no deal, what happens?
Yeah, that's right, just as the bird on the end with the massive tits bends right forward to flash off the old top bollocks, what happens?
Thousands of the f**kers, all over the country, they must hide away in the bushes and peep through your curtains until a good bit comes on the telly.
KNOCK KNOCK!!
"Hello, I'm.."
"F**k off..!"
And you known what the most annoying thing about them is? You can never piss them off, it's true.
You can swear at them, insult them, racially abuse them and they just stand there, grinning...
The other day I was sitting there, having a few cans watching me favourite video, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Snow White was just about to blow off Dopey when..
KNOCK, KNOCK!!
Lucky I never had me underpants on coz I nearly shit myself. Who the f**k's that I thought?
Yeah, you guessed it, two of the c**ts. Clean cut, all American guys with tombstones for teeth...
I was furious, I opens the door, he's stood there and before you can say a f**king word it's..
"Good evening, Sir, what would you say to me if I was Jesus Christ?"
I says, "F**k off, Jesus, I'm watching the telly.."
Nothing! Not a f**king murmur!
The other one goes, "Okay, sir, sorry to have disturbed you, enjoy your film, by the way, you've got some tissue stuck to the side of your sleeve."
And they just walk off..!
They gets halfway up the street and I shouts out, "Oi..!"
He comes running back, all smiles.
"Yes, sir..?"
I says "Shut the f**king gate, Jesus..!"
And he does, how annoying is that?
Mind you, I think they've started to toughen up a bit now. One knocked on my my door the other day, I looked through the curtains, he had a Millwall shirt on, when I opened the door he told ME to f**k off..!
He then walks off with the gate..!
I didn't say nothing in case he took offence...
Alright, alright, what do you expect at these prices..?
Mind you, these religious types ain't all nutters.
The other day I was waiting in for a cooker to be delivered, and you know what it's like, they're never time.
Anyway, I was absolutely busting for a shite so I thought I'd nip up stairs, have a speed shit and straight back down.
I'd no sooner sat down on the bog when, yeah, you guessed it...
KNOCK KNOCK..!!!
I couldn't get off coz I was in mid flow, so to speak, so I shouts out..
"If that's the cooker, take it round the back, I'm having a shite, I'll be down in a minute..."
A little voice shouts up through the letter box...
"No, it's me, Elsie from the Salvation Army, take your time, I'll call back when you finished your shite..!"
Bless.
And Halloween, what's that all about..?
Knock at the door, opens it, there's cute little girl, all dressed up in her cute little witches oufit, perfect little make up and a pumpkin all neatly carved out with the golden glow of one of them tea candles you get in Wilkinsons for £1.49 for 20.
She smiled everso sweetly and says, "The sky is blue..."
I says "No it ain't, it black..."
You know when you write a play and you add a couple of (beats) and you think to yourself, "Is that perhaps a beat too long..?
I swear her eyes turned red, I could hear the theme tune to the Exorcist coming from the earphones of her iPod...!
She just stood there, staring at me, drops her pumpkin and runs off screaming into the night.
The next thing you know her mother's at the door bashing seven buckets of shite out of me with her broom handle...
I thought Chinese burns were illegal in this country..!
