Should I give this stuff a go Updated

Ok have tried to change it round a little mainly have ideas of how to fill in needs punchlines but its a work in progress !! so don't slay me

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Walk onto stage, totally quiet head in hands just far enough from mic to pic up mumbling,

not again, mumble, is this really my life..... mumble oh God I'm gonna kill ... mumble..

HEY everybody awww its brilliant to be here!!! (very pep)

I'm Chris and I'm about to tell you some jokes!

bet you never saw that coming

Porn! anyone here like porn yeah you love it that's why there's so much of it everywhere, I can understand people looking at porn watching people have sex and getting off over it but when I go to categories there are a few I just don't understand

Midget porn its out there you just have to look a little harder to see them, it usually goes like this,
Plumber comes in sees girl on the bed masturbating sex starts and bang 5 midgets run out of a wardrobe and its on!! that's so unbelievable who can get a plumber

Pregnant porn isn't that just like pre child porn ? does it really need to be there? I mean we have fat birds already, we mistake those for pregnant women all the time so won't that do?

My personal fave at the moment MONSTER COCKS, which seams to always be a guy holding a 18inch plastic cock out of his flies which could just about be believable if it wasn't for his mate doing the same thing with an identical cock.

my the last think I need to ask Porn site advertisements, Is there really that much call in the world for a man to grow his cock by 4 inches in 1 month who is clicking on these advertisements to fund it, I haven't had a wank in 3 years without seeing an advertisement for cock growth the 2 go hand in hand, which I usually find grows my cock by about 4 inches anyway

And Get ripped in 6 weeks ! insta growth, before and after picture of 2 different people that have the same haircut first one some flabby guy then the second guy is usually some guy that has lived in a gym, WHO buys this shit,... f**king morons its aimed at you because they know your a fat lazy f**k who can't be arsed to exercise and wants everything with no or minimum effort.

ooooohhhh snapp!! I knew it would come along one day a tablet that will totally change my body in 6 weeks without me having to do anything!! ill be an Adonis.. look out ladies...
6 weeks later your still going to be the same fat f**k you always were just now with added embarrassment at believing it would work, which then has the knock on effect of you guilt eating Thorntons, shit I'd be surprised if you had even had the willpower to drop your slab of galaxy chocolate for long enough to take the tablets or better still bend over to pick up the package when it was delivered.

Fat people I hate fat people, but im allowed to because

A. Im chubby and im projecting my hatred of my own situation onto the world

and

B. I used to be one of the really BIG ones.

Its where I picked up my jollyness,

When fat people know that you used to be fat and now aren't... as fat.... you always get asked the same question over and over again

How did you lose it?

Well I got the hover, a sharp knife and a Tesco first aid kit, then I just cut myself open and hovered the fat out using the attatchemnt for getting around the skirting boards.

How do you think I lost it?? its not a f**king myth the thin people don't lie just to watch fatty on a treadmill, moving further than your chair to your fridge actually makes it go amazing I know I couldn't believe it either.. f**king fat people make me sick which also helped me with losing the weight come to think of it...

what was I talking about anyway, oh yeah porn, I worked in porn, yeah check me out the porn star .. not quite, it was my job to clean everyone's bodily fluids up, I left when the production company decided to only film gay porn.

But that was ages ago God 5 6 no 7 years doesn't matter non of this shit is true, I haven't even got a job, any one here got a job ...?
lucky bastards, I can't get any work at all that's why I'm chatting shit to you people that's the joy of a recession,

I got seriously f**ked by the recession, no really had an arse like a blood orange by the time I could afford my rent,

quite literally A RENT BOY.

I'm getting off on the wrong foot here so far I'm a rent boy that watches far to much porn but I'm not really I just wanted to say a few things that would distract you for when I told you I was from stoke on Trent.

Oh what a shit hole it is, cliche I know my home town sucks, but for some reason the people who live there don't see it, not only do they not see its a shit hole they think its really nice!

How retarded do you have to be to proudly call it the potteries after all the pottery industry has moved to china!?! That's like calling Sheffield steelville

Everyone is stoke is really nice and friendly they say, well I have a few points to why I disagree,

I once got asked for a cigarette by a stranger and his 18 friends at a bus stop, by the time I was finished explaining the cigarette I was smoking was my last it had been punched down my throat, apparently my lack of cigarettes had annoyed him more than it had me.

Case number two I LIVE IN STOKE ON TRENT and have EYES

If I ever get around to a comedy tour I think ill call it please get me the f**k out of stoke on Trent

I used to talk in a welsh accent and tell people I was called Bryn so I could avoid people knowing the embarrassment of where I was from.

Its a cliche I know everyone's home town is full of inbreds but stoke seams to just be that little step ahead the English, funny shit I mean look at us, oh a royal wedding, everyone in England watched,

WHY??

To see William's gradual transformation into Charles,.. see if anyone tries to blow it all up??

Now if it had been harry getting married that's another story, walking down the isle wearing a Nazi uniform smoking a spliff, the lovely chelsea wearing at the alter, glowing glamor model orange, bridesmaids all in matching dresses dancing on matching stripper poles, now that wedding is probably worth a watch just to see how pissed everyone gets.

F**king royal wedding its almost enough to get onto my reasons for giving up on humanity list.

Close but not quite, but its a tough list, non of that oh there's no world peace or oh starving people I mean actual reasons

Number 1 reason on the list for giving up on humanity was a little white haired old lady walking her dog, nothing out of the ordinary there yeah,

as she was walking the dog the dog stopped and took a shit and just like you see all the time out came the plastic bag and she picked up the shit, but its what happened next that lost me my faith in humanity, she reached for her pocket and pulled out a tissue then wiped the dogs arse.

F**k me picking up its shit is one thing wiping its arse is another ...
I don't like wiping my own f**king arse never mind a dogs ...
even the dog looked at her as if to ask what are you doing.

My number 2 reason on the list for giving up on humanity.
The fact that people need a warning on spirits of a pregnant woman with a line through it. WHO THE FUCK THINKS oh 3rd trimester bottoms up,.... didn't you do that 9 months ago, are people that stupid what's next little girls knickers with a line through a hard cock

Oh I'm glad that warning was there I was just about to get my cock out,

old people have the ability to get their cocks out you know,

Which brings me onto old people.......

Old people have it bad today yeah ...
like really bad, they have to have races between their last years of life and the NHS waiting list,

they're getting a really crap pension plan, here old man your £13.72 for the month go buy some sticks you were around when they made fire like that right.

they're scared of all the teenagers, but with that one I have to say, so .. I'm f**king scared of all the teenagers, with clothes so baggy you don't know what they're carrying ... could be concealing another teenager for all I know and that one could have a knife!

so the oldies are getting it rough or are they? I mean shit 500 years ago there was no medical help for these people, no pension to get the fire all nice and warm, no just for men to cover the white hair, no blue rinse.. to make you look more normal ?

so they grew up just riddled with old. and that's not the bad part they looked so old decrepit and scary people thought you were witches and wizards, you just got dunked in water until you drowned! or if you were lucky you would float then they would just set you on fire anyway, mainly to warm the other old people up.

are they really that cold in the winter? If they are I think I know why! they get summer and winter mixed up, have you ever seen what old people wear in the blazing heat, a vest, 3 jumpers a coat 2 pairs of tights and a pair of trousers, don't ask how I know what the average granny wears, someone has to appear in grandma porn, hey I told you I was broke!

Excuse me, but who on Earth, in God's name and a pig's ear is the first half aimed at? Is it aimed at sex-starved teens who laugh at someone stabbing themselves to death with the first slightly blunt object that comes to hand? I'm sorry to say that and more so if it is true but, for me, the first half i.e. porn and rent boy, is just tragic. I only say this because in my estimation, shock comedy, as I believe this is, is frankly pathetic, I cannot stand it at all. As for the second half: royal wedding, your list, old people etc, in terms of laughter is not much better.

There is undoubtedly an audience for this and the routine would probably tickle their porn-bones as well as their funny-bones, however it took a hammer to mine and served them both up in a crappy french restaurant. My advice is this: yes it is probably worth a try, but be warned that you need to play to wider audience not just the friday night pub gatherers (no offence intended by the way).

So all this being my opinion and I will say that I have no experience in these matters but I know what I like and this isn't it I'm afraid. I'm very sorry for being like that, but that is my (near) honest opinion. But now I'm going to clean my brain with some Two Ronnies sketches and maybe A Bit Of Fry And Laurie. (Sorry again)

I think this set sounds quite hateful, generally, which comedy club audiences get very uncomfortable with. If you're doing shock humour it's got to be VERY funny or you will struggle like hell.

Or you have a VERY likeable personality. Very, massively likeable mind.

Ive seen this sketch now in various stages of evolution and imho this is weaker than previous versions.

I think I can guess what your problem is (just my opinion) I think that because you have these jokes written down you're chained to them, and reworking and reworking isnt helping you.

My advice would be to liberate yourself now by binning this entire set and starting from scratch, or at least file ie away for now.

Your getting ahead of yourself by aiming for talk about porn, obesity etc, these are cliches, unnaturally heightened observations without any real-world grounding.

I swear this time next week you'll have a better set if you start with a blank page. Don't try for shock value unless you are genuine Howard Stern type maverick headcase.

This won't get laughs, Nat seems grounded and honest and natural at this so I'd listen to her because she'll be around in ten years doing this whilst you'll die after ten seconds in your first gong.

Trust me, start with a blank page and you'll be better for it.

(royal weddings already over, unless you're performing in Stoke no-one cares to hear about it, the gym miracle-pill stuff is simply a reporting of facts and not a joke, the weight stuff is a bit Hmmm, even the opening is a miss - forget trying to create the complete package of Delivery, Persona and Style and instead focus on material - What do you you think is funny? Would you laugh at this set?)

I promise you if you unshackle yourself from this "idea" of what you need to be to stand out or controversial, and just start over with new ideas you'll be glad you did.

All this is just my opinion and Im not trying to be a negative prick because critiscm of an idea is v.disheartening. Im only giving it because I care about people trying to be as good as they can be.

and ps, I like the Plumbers line and I like the Baggy Clothes line if joined up with the Last Cigarette line.

The problem with putting up routines like this is that a) We don't know you, we don't know what you look like, your delivery style, your ability style etc so it's difficult to read how you would perform it. If you were to give us clue like you Stoke's answer to Frankie Boyle, then we could fit that into our mindset whilst reading.

The second point is: who is your material aimed at? If it was a local pubs amateur comedy night you might get away with some of it, if it's the Burslem OAP Friday night karate clubs gig you might want to give it a miss, or at least take out some personal insurance...

Either way, I felt the material was too diverse, too many subjects, dialogue went on a bit and wasn't all that funny...

Actually, I did like the plumber line. You could easily pull that out into a different context:
' I'm trying to film my own porno, but I didn't realise there's a four day waiting period for a corgi registered plumber.'
Obviously that's not very funny as it is, but you get the idea. The joke becomes about you being foolish. It sets you as the target, which makes it easier for the audience to accept.

im going back to my drawing board, not to start again but to remove everything ive changed so far and get it back to where I started, my delivery isn't what anyone is thinking which is where im getting lost then im changing it all based on what people are saying about it and this is what its become, I need to do some stuff and post a video you'll get it more.

You have some decent gags, but Nat's on the nail too hateful. And also to crude.

Plumber line excelent, but expand it..

A pizza delivery guy who's on time. Any kind of porn cliche.

The midgets running out of the cupboard is another great image.

Drop the attempts to shock, disgust or be mean. Take the stuff that's funny and expand on it.

I suggest you perform the routine with a stopwatch and see how long it takes then ask yourself would you realistically get that much stage time to perform it..?

You've probably got enough stuff there for 4/5 routines but lumping it all together doesn't seem to work...

Look at what people on here have said they like, keep it, and dump the rest. You can then develop your material from there, piece by piece...

Don't dump it- the worst thing you can do is dump it. My jokes tend not to be funny until about the third edit, and even then they change after you've performed them a few times. The key is to try to rewrite into something workable and understand WHY it works.

And the more you'e dropping bad jokes, in all likelihood the better you are doing.

Quote: Nat Wicks @ June 24 2011, 12:09 PM BST

Don't dump it- the worst thing you can do is dump it. My jokes tend not to be funny until about the third edit, and even then they change after you've performed them a few times. The key is to try to rewrite into something workable and understand WHY it works.

View original

I'll rephrase that: put it to one side...

That indeed.

Agreed with what is being said above. Unless you utterly devoid of a brain, I think anyone can write expletive-less jokes, you need to have them in your arsenal to show that you aren't all about the fat people and porn and swearing. Otherwise, within the scene of stand-up, you will be type cast immediately.