Sisters

Sorry it's not a comic or animation just boring words. But I will be making it if people like.

Int. Fancy Resturant
 
Sara and Mike enter, and approach a table with Sara's Sister and Mayor Tom have already sat.

Sara Sister
(Fake Posh Voice)
Hi Sara, Mike.
 
Tom
Glad you could make it.
 
Tom Stands and shakes Mikes Hand, Tom crushes Mikes hand innocently.
 
Mike VO
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!
 
He takes his hand away and it's throbbing. Mike and Sara sit down.
 
Sara VO
It was either this or end up watching Die Hard for the 58th time with him.
 
Mike
Yeh it was lucky we found a sitter last minute
 
//Cut Away//
 
INT. Newmans Kitchen

Lance and Hannah fight in the kitchen.
 
A pizza boy sits in the kitchen pizza still piping hot.
 
Pizza
I'm not sure if this is covered by the 30 minutes or free.
 
//
 
Sara Sister
Fabulous, Take a seat.  I hope you don't mind we ordered some wine but we've already opened it.
 
Sara
No that's fine.
 
Sara VO
Bitch!
 
Mike
So this is a nice place, how did you guys find it?
 
Sara Sister
Oh well it's a really funny story actually...
 
Sara's sister, Tom and Mike continue to talk.
 
Sara VO
God she's dull. Every time we go out, some boring story about finding the place. I can't believe she's just had a kid look at her. She can't breathe in that tight girdle can she? Or maybe it's liposuction? I wonder where does the fat they suck out goes to? They can't flush it down the sink like we do with the George Forman Grill. And that hair too - obviously fake, she makes Elton John's barnet look subtle.  Anything to be Cinderella and make me into the ugly sister, Bitch.
 
Sara's Sister
And that's when Tom said to me, darling your sitting on it. (Laughs)
 
Mike
Ha that is amazing, so do you guys come here often?
 
SARA VO
Urgh! Look at him the fat chimp dribbling all over her, so shallow. I bet he's not thinking about the riveting conversation. He can barely spell it,
 
Mike VO
What?
 
Sara VO
You! pick your jaw up off the ground!
 
Sara raises an eyebrow
 
Sara VO
It's disgusting you leering all over my younger sister like some sex starved wild man! Poor Tom he'd be so heartbroken.  She wouldn't care that his big heart was breaking, even behind that big chest and those big blue eyes...Look at those biceps (Sara Gulps).
 
Mike VO
AHEM! And don't think I didn't see your eyes drawn to soldier boys weapons of mass destruction.
 
Mike and Sara stare at each other.
 
Mike & Sara
(through gritted teeth)
I need to go pee!
 
The two rush off. Tom and Sara's sister continue chatting several minutes later Mike and Sara come back hair messed up clothes put back hastily.
 
Tom
Welcome back guys now where were we?
 
Sara VO
(Sounds of army soldiers marching)
mmmmmmm
 
Sara shivers and sinks in her seat.

Hi Gavin,

I really like the constant use of VO to contrast people's actual thoughts/feelings with those they say. The whole repressed politeness thing, especially given the context of having a jolly nice night out. However, I don't really know what's going on in this sketch. I couldn't understand it particularly, and I didn't really find it funny (which is a result of my not really "getting" what I was reading).

Quote: Bryan Parry @ June 21 2011, 12:02 PM BST

Hi Gavin,

I really like the constant use of VO to contrast people's actual thoughts/feelings with those they say. The whole repressed politeness thing, especially given the context of having a jolly nice night out. However, I don't really know what's going on in this sketch. I couldn't understand it particularly, and I didn't really find it funny (which is a result of my not really "getting" what I was reading).

View original

HI Bryan,

Thanks for reading pal. At which point did the sketch lose you? I'm interested as it's probably something I've neglected to put into the script.

Well, to me it seemed as tho it went on for too long without anything "happening", so to speak, or without me having a sense of where it was going. Therefore, I got kind lost a third to half way through it.

Okthat's fair. Might be a tad baggy. Certainly worth looking at it see if I can trim the fat.

It looks like you wrote it in your comic strip style, that's why it appears a bit muddled written like that.
I wondered why you didn't give Sara's sister a name?..that and the style was a bit messy to read.
But there were some funny bits in there, the end of the joke line 'you're sitting on it' was funny in that context.

Quote: Shandonbelle @ June 21 2011, 12:30 PM BST

It looks like you wrote it in your comic strip style, that's why it appears a bit muddled written like that.
I wondered why you didn't give Sara's sister a name?..that and the style was a bit messy to read.
But there were some funny bits in there, the end of the joke line 'you're sitting on it' was funny in that context.

View original

Cheers mate, Fair comment on the layout I'll address that now.

Uh I never really thought of giving her a name. I suppose in the script it looks a bit weird.

WHo are the Newans? Who are the people fighting in their kitchen? I assume it's Mike & Sara's kitchen and sitters, but not at all clear.

Do Mike and Sara have a telepathic link? It sees so, which doesn't make any sense.

The whols thing is so derivative of Peep Show it's tiresome and uninspiring. I can picture the hand held camera shots in my head.

Quote: Lady Laughter @ June 21 2011, 1:29 PM BST

WHo are the Newans? Who are the people fighting in their kitchen? I assume it's Mike & Sara's kitchen and sitters, but not at all clear.

Do Mike and Sara have a telepathic link? It sees so, which doesn't make any sense.

The whols thing is so derivative of Peep Show it's tiresome and uninspiring. I can picture the hand held camera shots in my head.

View original

Tiresome and uninspiring is fine but like the Peep show, ouch stick the dagger in

Shall I take it you didn't like it then

Quote: Gavin @ June 21 2011, 1:36 PM BST

Tiresome and uninspiring is fine but like the Peep show, ouch stick the dagger in

Shall I take it you didn't like it then

View original

I think that basically LL wasn't aware of the animated charcters themselves and so lance and Hannah fighting wouldn't make sense. It would have to be explained.

Basically though I think that written on the page it doesn't seem so obvious. Let's edit and then animate it and repost.

No, I don't have the backstory. Do you have a link to a previous episode?

It's a bit messy and doesn't flow as well as it could. But it may be down to the way it is written. It's good that you're trying different things with the Newmans and this sketch has potential. But it doesn't seem to have a clear direction as to where it's going.

It's a bit long and muddled, but I like the idea. It just needs trimming in places. I like the pizza boy bit best I think, trimmed, that could be a strip on it's own rather than part of the animation. E.g. Mike & Sara at table saying to the waiter how lucky they are to be out after finding a last minute baby sitter, then the kitchen scene.

Like an earlier poster I had no idea who the Newmans were until I clicked your link, then it all made sense...

To make it work as a comic there'd need to be some drastic editing, the long dialogue by Sara would never work...

Bit confused about Tom, is he a Mayor or a Major..?

Good stuff...