ST MARTINS FINEST CRITIC

INT: INSIDE AN ART GALLERY:

TARQUIN FARQUIOS:
Absolutely tremendous Zane...I think you've really grasped the immense corruption of societies hypothesis...the extravagant prejudiced examples of modern superficial living is totally expressed in every single carefully liberated brush stroke...I applaud you and your highly selective solution towards the defining, definition of contemporary art...Bravo...Bravo.

ZANE KAI KYE;
Eh!!!

TARQUIN:
Your exquisite masterpiece that you've so willingly let me adore with my very own thankful..appreciative windows of expression...the welcomed exuberance of colours that reaches every area of my catarct free cornea's...sending an eclectic array of distracted understandings...shooting aimlessly through the recumbents parts of my cranium.

ZANE:
Eh!!!

TARQUIN:
your painting...if I may so presumptuously mention...possibly the very next Turner Prize winner...in the waiting.

ZANE:
Eh!!!

TARQUIN:
The burning churchyard scene...and the absolutely controversial burning of the... extremely opulent and dangerously ambiguous, elicit sffigy.

ZANE:
Are you taking the piss...that's a poster advertising "Dangly Bottoms" next amateur dramatic society's next theatre production...at the local rep.

TARQUIN:
OOOOPs...is that your latest artistic interpretation over there then Zane.

ZANE:
Where.

TARQUIN:
Where I hear you modestly announce...the quartet of pure unrelenting tranquillity...the quartet that actually transports the unexpected wiewer into experiencing your rather raw and harmonious serenty...that's so exquisitely appreciated amidst your tender brush strokes...of Tuscany.

ZANE:
Eh!! that's a picture of Florence you Twat..."Dangly Bottom" is promoting Florence because they've just become twinned...are you actually ant art critic.

TARQUIN:
How dare you...i've been head of art at "Southernbees" for the last six years...
i graduated from St Martins with a first in both fine and contemporary.

ZANE:
I'm waiting.

TARQUIN:
That one.

ZANE:
Nope.

TARQUIN:
That one.

ZANE:
NOPE...LAST CHANCE...I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE...it's actually about my person.

TARQUIN:
Well i'll be flabergasted...i can actuall see it now...it's your amazing depravity...your total corrupt imagination being delightfully expressed dangling from your mutilated ear lobe...a classic example of moder art...BRAVO.

ZANE:
Just F-off...it's my bloody anguished personality...being internally tortured...the art is me you twat...f-off

TARQUIN:
Get a life will ya...all you artists are the same...i aint no crazed medium...i'm a proffesional critic.

END

Good theme, spelling is a bit iffy here and there (you're probably typing too fast!) but that's pretty easy to sort out. It doesn't need the f-offs in my opinion ... but then I don't really think anything particularly comedic does!! Tarquin's last line could be extended a bit, I think, for more comic effect. A lot of stuff that appears here looks like it's been produced in a rush ... tell me this wasn't ... or edit it a bit maybe ... hope I'm not sounding too negative ... it's not intended!

Thankyou very much...like I said before...living in France and the shi** system means I have to type fast because the bloody i-ter-net turns off when it wants...could be 10 min 30 min or ten seconds...i never know...so i type like forrest gump looking for the sunset...it looks a lot better on my word pro...if only i could email it on...but once again thankyou v muchly for reading it...i looves ya...probably to much because i've just had abottle of Bordeaux.

Hello Reiss. I'm beginning to warm to your style. To begin with I thought "What the hell is he on?" but then gradually Vic Reeves style I'm starting to enjoy it.

One point - you'll have to change Tarquin's name because there's a similar Art Critic character in Viz called Tarquin. Make it something like jeremy maybe.

Cheers mate to start with I thought people thought I was a TW** but I a'int really...i'm just your random guy who wants work on telly...call me a wannabe if you like...but i know i'm not brill...i just want a chance...but that's enough about me...thank you muchly

Ps also i've changed Tarquins name to Rupert and changed the ednding...cheers David for your comments...Rupert the rent a critic

Pleased to see you've made these changes.

Reiss, type it out first in wordpad and paste it in, you'll save your fingertips a lot of pounding, dude.

cool. I like Reiss.

I like it, Reiss. Great minds take the piss out of art!

I like it too Reiss. You`ve got a great imagination.

Sorry for being a total PRIC* and letting my vanity rule my ego... I have made changes that I sent to ANGELEYE I will try and post it 2-morr its 12:00 here and i've just watched Brothers and sister's Once again i won't be a pric* again I promise... Once my works been read I'll take the comments as a given and let it rest DID DIB DIB n all that

Quote: David Chapman @ July 11, 2007, 9:28 PM

Pleased to see you've made these changes.

View original

Some people really don't know what they're talking about - do they!

Sorry to be the voice of dissent, but I disliked this sketch immensely.

I think David C hit the nail on the head when he mentioned The Critics - a Viz strip that's been running for, what, ten years? Sure, it was funny way back when, but it's 2007 now and they've well and truly punctured the bubble of critic pomposity. In any case, it was obvious that the person writing that strip was paying attention to what was going on in the art scene at the time. You don't do that at all. Have you spent time with St Martins students, or indeed around any artists, because it certainly doesn't read that way.

If anything, your sketch comes across as more pretentious than the target it's trying to lampoon, and if you're aiming for satire that's about as far wrong as you can go.

OOOPS... I haven't spent much time with any dectectives but i'm writing a sitcom about them... I don't know lots of situations or peoples jobs but I can't just write about who I know all the time... I do understand what you wrote and I'm not beating myself with a bamboo stick in total dissapointment... thougth I may start reading Viz... if you can get it in France... anywho I'll just plod on and write about.... ???? what I know... and nothing else... i'll leave everything else to the people that do i guess... or just make my writing better.